Category: Dreams Don’t Come True

Tom Hiddleston’s Bond Dreams Are Probably Dead

August 10, 2016 / Posted by:

Tom Hiddleston turned himself into a thirst trap by awkwardly posing in his calzones and he did a worldwide photo-op tour with Taylor Swift, and the only thing he has to show for it is a throw pillow that his girlfriend cross-stitched the words “Bond Of My Heart” onto. Tom reportedly wanted the James Bond role as though he was us and the role was a lubed-up Olympic flag-bearer from Tonga. But well, one dude, who claims he’s in-the-know, says that Tom working it harder than a go-go dancer at a gay club during Fleet Week did not pay off, because he isn’t going to be James Bond.

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No, Zayn Malik’s Gay Sex Tape Didn’t Leak

July 19, 2016 / Posted by:

There are a few things that’ll make me click for my life and those few things are:

  1. A celebrity peen pic.
  2. A peen pic of anyone.
  3. Porn.
  4. A note from the IRS saying that I owe a shitload in back taxes and are about to get audited. (Yes, I still almost fall for IRS scams in 2016. I’m your grandma.)

So, when several of you sent me e-mails today with the subject, “Pics Of Zayn Giving A Beej,” I clicked so hard that my mouse is dead and buried now. I clicked that poor bitch to death. I clicked as though it was 1999 and the e-mail subject was, “Pics of JC Chasez giving a blowjob.”

The hashtag #GottaZayn is trending on Twitter and that’s because of a couple of grainy and blurry pictures of a dude who sort of looks like Zayn Malik sucking on a peen. Someone on Twitter passed the pics around and said it was Zayn. The dude in the pics has grey hair and a black beard, so he’s Zayn-esque. But the pictures are so damn blurry that if you told me it was an abuelito playing a recorder vertically, I’d probably believe your ass. Gossip Cop got down to the mystery of the dick sucking video, and a source (read: their own eyes) popped the fap dreams of teen girls who really wanted to see Zayn in a gay sex tape by confirming that it’s not him:

The tattoos on the person in the X-rated footage don’t match those of Zayn’s, and neither does the nose piercing. There happen to be some facial similarities between Malik and the subject of the video, but it’s 100 percent not him.

If you want to see the video where the pics came from, (Not Safe For Prude Workplaces) click here. Zayn comes off like he has the energy of a wet pillow, and the dude in the video really gets into it, so that’s a dead giveaway right there.

So, that’s that. Zayn’s gay sex tape did not leak today. But well, Not-Zayn has probably already gotten a few offers to star in another One Direction gay porn parody called One Erection. I say “another,” because one already exists. Of course.

Pic: Instagram

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