The L.A. County Jail should really make Suge Knight teach community college theater students how to bring the theatrics and raw drama in extra heavy doses, because he knows how it’s done. Since Suge has been in jail on murder charges, he has collapsed in the court room all extra dramatic-like, had a panic attack and appeared before a judge in a wheelchair, because what kind of cold-hearted judge is going to punish a weak soul in a wheelchair? Since the meanie judge has yet to take pity on Suge’s plight and transfer him from his jail cell to a suite at the Four Seasons, he has stepped it up. Suge is crying that his toilet is crazier than him and claims he might have a brain tumah.
Tom Mesereau, who represented Michael Jackson during that child touching trial, is Suge’s new lawyer and he recently filed papers asking for the Blanche DuBois of gangsters to be moved to a different cell. Suge is crying that his toilet is broken and flushes every 20 minutes all day and all night. Poor delicate, dew drop Suge doesn’t have a proper velvet settee to have his fainting spells upon and now he has to deal with a busted toilet disturbing his beauty sleep. Even the toilet is sick of his shit.
On top of Suge’s possessed toilet woes, he also claims that doctors think he could have a brain tumor since he regularly experiences numbness on the side of his body. That numbness could merely be from Suge sleeping on a cheap jail cot instead of an Egyptian cotton-covered mattress filled with swan feathers like he’s used to. Suge asked that his new cell be in a jail that has access to a medical facility.
The judge is still not taking pity on Suge’s plight. The judge denied Suge’s transfer request, so he’ll have to continue to deal with the sound of the ones he’s wronged saying, “Suuuuuuge, Iiiiiii’m goooooing to geeeeet youuuuu,” through the haunted toilet. The judge also denied Suge’s request to lower his $10 billion bail.
So what now? Suge can either borrow a stunt from fellow jail bird drama queen Roxie Hart by faking a pregnancy or he can start working on an escape plan by wooing a sad and desperate jail house sewing teacher whose clit gets the throbs for diabolical rap mogul dick.
You’d think that any Ian Somerhalder fan who is devoted and crazy enough to stand outside of his hotel in Paris would know that May 28th is International Ian Somerhalder Day and on that day, Ian Somerhalder does not take selfies or sign autographs, thankyouverymuch.
Yesterday in Paris, Ian and his partner in cheese Nikki Reed walked out of their hotel and straight into a group of fans who wanted a picture with him. Since it was May 28th and his day, Ian Somerhalder dramatically let his fans know in an impassioned speech that he would not be posing with them. If you’re fluent in side-eye reading, then you can clearly see the guy in the black suit and t-shirt saying, “Um, you know you could just take a quick picture with them in the time it’s taking you to give this long ass speech,” with his side-eye
That crying girl… It’s just Ian Somerhalder! It’s not like it’s a legendary Ian like Ian Ziering or anything.
I, for one, love Ian’s anti-Norma Desmond “I am NOT ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille” monologue. With a few changes, it’s the perfect speech to say in many situations. The next time a bill collector calls you, say to them, “You guys, I am not taking a single call from a bill collector today. It is MY day. Don’t call me, please. I love you. You’re so awesome.” Make sure you grab and shake your left titty when you say “MY” so they can really feel the emotion through the phone.
But seriously, if Ian really wanted those fans to leave him alone, he should’ve just said to them, “Hi, everyone, I’m not Zac Efron.” They would’ve said, “Oh shit,” before shuffling away.
I watched all 3 hours of last night’s American Music Awards and it took a lot of the sweet nectar to get through it. I’m surprised I’m not typing this from a hospital bed as a nurse stands next to me, wringing the booze out of my liver before shoving it back up my asshole. Watching it felt like being stuck in a suburban 10-year-old’s iTunes playlist. It was one shit song after another and at one point I weeped for our nation’s children, because when I was a kid our ears were filled with the artistic melodies put out by real artists like Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.
Taylor Swift opened the crap song buffet with a performance of that “Blank Space” song and she probably gave the best performance of the night. I’m only saying that because it was a wreck from start to finish. Tay Tay recreated her video by playing a crazy-eyed, boyfriend-ruining psycho (read: herself, basically). It works in the video, but it was a mess live. Bitch ran around like an ostrich with mad squirrel disease. It’s like the deranged spirit of Norma Desmond possessed the body of a vintage Barbie.
Tay Tay’s performance looks like it was done on the set of a non-union touring production of Scooby Doo Live. I kept waiting for Shaggy and the gang to come out, pull off Taylor Swift’s mask and reveal that she’s actually Old Farmer Jenkins and it was him killing all those young, hot white men. Tay Tay’s acting wasn’t the only messy part of that performance. At first I thought she was mouthing to a track, but it became apparent that she wasn’t totally lip-synching when an off-key note shot out of her mouth and drop kicked my eardrum.
For the rest of the show, Taylor did what Taylor does: she held court with the “popular girls” (Selena Gomez and Selena’s one-time arch rival Lorde) and busted her out inflatable wind dancer moves in the front row. During Selena Gomez’s ~emotionally raw~ performance in front of a screensaver, Tay Tay did this:
Those duo of side-eyes…. They say everything.
Lorde (aka Emily the Strange with a spiral perm) is thinking to herself, “Cry, bitch, cry more! Your pain feeds my Hot Topic soul” and Taylor is either crying from the raw emotion or she’s crying from the second-hand embarrassment she feels while watching Selena squirt out tears over Justin Fucking Bieber.
And at the end of the show, I made the same face Taylor’s making when I realized that I wasted 3 hours of my night and could’ve watched The Comeback instead.
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!
Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!
According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:
“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”
“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”
“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”
Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!
And now for your hourly update on the state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s maybe-crumbling marriage. According to Page Six, the everlasting love between Yawncé and Joe Camel is as dead as the wifi signal in the basement (Unable to join the network “Is there not a box of old weaves I asked you to organize, Solange?”). But because Beyoncé has an ego the size of …well…Beyoncé’s ego, and Jay-Z doesn’t want to admit that one of his 99 problems is, in fact, his bitch, they’re doing everything in their power to keep from getting divorced.
A source claims that Jay-Z hired marriage counsellors to travel with them on their “On The Run” tour, but they’re really only there to help them pretend they don’t totally hate each other as they sing about being sooooo in love night after night. Apparently, once the tour ends, Beyoncé plans on putting everything Jay-Z owns in a box to the left and telling that hussy-chasing camel to hit the bricks. The source also says they stopped wearing their wedding rings a long time ago, and that Blue Ivy was a band-aid baby. Basically, IT’S OVER. Except that it’s not:
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing. This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front.”
The only thing those two whores love more than attention is money, so this must be a tough decision for them. While Stuntyoncé and Jay-Z would no doubt kill for the chance to milk the hell out of a public divorce, they also want to keep counting their money without getting that guilty feeling that comes from swindling gullible fools at $75 a pop. That’s what’s known in the legal community calls a Katch-22, aka “The Kardashian Connundrum”.
And how dare I refer to Blue Ivy a band-aid baby! I should know better. Band-aids are for commoners. Surely there’s some kind of luxury designer adhesive bandage product on the market. Maybe in France? Oh shit, I spoke to soon…
That Model Magic-faced troublemaking Muppet is at it again! Less than a month after an Instagram picture of Tameka “Tiny” Cottle instigated a fight between T.I. and boxer Floyd Mayweather that turned into an ugly Memorial Day chair-throwing Fatburger brawl, she’s found herself in the middle of yet another one of her husband’s fights, this time with full-time professional crazy Internet person (and sometime rapper) Azealia Banks. Billboard says that it all started after the release of T.I.’s single with Iggy Azalea, “No Mediocre”, to which Azealia Cupholder Full of Loose Change Tweeted (then deleted):
“U want no mediocre but…Have you seen your wife?”
RUDE! Tiny Cottle is the very definition of remarkable and extraordinary, you jealous hag. Naturally a statement that nasty would make anyone want to reply back: “Bitch, have you seen how long it’s taking you to release an album??”, but T.I. took the high road and said nothing. This must have pissed off Azealia even more, because she kept taking swipes at T.I. and Tiny in an insanely bold Twitter rant on Tuesday (which has since been deleted, because Azealia has a hard time releasing stuff) but thankfully Billboard hit ctrl+C before she did. This shit is long and messy, so it’s after the break:
If you ever wished someone would combine the harrowing courtroom custody battle from Kramer vs. Kramer with the over-the-top drama school theatrics of a Real Housewives reunion show and just a pinch of Michael Jackson face, then I have good news for you! Bethenny Frankel, former RHONY cast member, former talk show host, and former praying mantis (needs verification) is currently fighting with her ex-husband Jason Hoppy over the custody of their 4-year-old daughter Bryn, and Us Weekly says that Bethenny is putting on a performance worthy of a Daytime Emmy with her testimony against her ex. For your consideration...
Bethenny brings the Lifetime made-for-TV movie drama:
“Jason said to me, ‘Get ready, we are going to war. It’s over. We’re done.” He would hold Bryn, and he would say, ‘You’re finished, you’re done. I’m going to ruin you.'”
Bethenny brings the classic afternoon telenovela drama:
“He said, ‘You’re dead to me. I want nothing to do with you. You think I want to be with you on the holidays? You’re a piece of shit. You’re garbage. You have no idea what I’ve got on you.”
Bethenny brings the Disney Channel drama:
“He would say, ‘Mommy should be Ursula the witch. She’s a great witch. You be the princess, I’ll be the prince, Mommy will be the witch.”
Bethenny bring some sort of A&E’s Hoarders-themed drama:
“He would leave the house in shambles. There would be dishes everywhere. He would pee and poop and leave it in the toilets.”
I understand wanting to come for a trifling hoe in a court of law, but damn, this custody fight is getting messy. I’m not a parent, but it was my understanding that as long as you gave them clean clothes, food, hugs, snuggles, and teach them shapes and shit, you’re doing an a-ok job raising your kid. As it turns out, floating a bootycake in the toilet bowl is grounds for losing custody of your child.
And I hope the first thing the judge did after hearing Bethenny’s testimony was politely inform her that being compared to Ursula is a compliment, not an insult.
In between tripping down the red carpet, riffing to the audience at the Academy Awards, and stuffing her face full of pizza, Jennifer Lawrence appeared to be going for a new personal best in regards to convincing us that even though she’s at the Oscars, she’s still just a frumpy food-hongray bridge troll who snuck into Hollywood and keeps it rill by ripping farts in her Dior dress. However, some people thought she might be laying in on a little thick, one of which being Jesus’s druggy fuckup brother Jared Leto, who all but dramatically screamed “STUNT QUEEEEEEN!” when asked by Access Hollywood about J-Law:
Shortly before presenting an award, Lawrence looked into the crowd and said, “Why are you laughing? What, is this funny? I’m still watching you!”
And it seems as though Leto, and his family, were to blame for the distraction just moments after she walked out onto the stage.
“She said, ‘What are you laughing at?’ But what she didn’t know was that Ellen [DeGeneres] was on the side…making, pantomiming [motions like], ‘Don’t fall, don’t fall!’, and my mom and brother are all cracking up,” he revealed.
“I guess we don’t have manners. You can take them out of Louisiana, but you can’t take the Louisiana out of them, right?”
That would be enough evidence for the government to make you mysteriously disappear. But I guess Jared keeps it more real than J-Law and doesn’t give a fuck about taking America’s Sweetheart’s name in vain, because he then said this:
The Dallas Buyers Club actor jokingly dissed J.Law when asked what he thought about her latest falling incident:
“You know, I’m starting to wonder if this is a bit of an act.”
And immediately after the last word left his lips, a cloth bag was thrown over Jared’s head and he was ushered away into protective custody, where he’ll live out the rest of his life as a pharmacy assistant at a New Mexico Walgreens under the assumed name of Darren Sbarro.
Shia LaDouche is facing a lawsuit from comic book artist Daniel Clowes for stealing some of Clowes’ work for his short film and he’s also facing a class-action lawsuit from millions of humans who sprained their necks while shaking their heads at his copy + paste theatrics. Everybody hates Shia LaDouche right now. So because Shia’s name is the #1 answer for the question, “Whose face do you want to punch repeatedly?” on Family Feud, he’s taking the hint and retiring. Shia dramatically announced on Twitter last night that he’s taking his final bow and is done with creating. To quote Jon Gosselin’s piece after he cums and says he’s done fucking her: “I wasn’t even aware you started, bitch.” Shia LaDouche has only created a crotch crabs and dick fleas mutant hybrid, but whatever.
Shia is so sick and tired of hating whores calling him out for his acts of shameless thievery that he’s done with public life. As an entire world weeped and screamed out “OH GOD OH GOD WHY?!” at the fact that there will never be an Even Stevens reunion movie, Shia twatted this out:
In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
My love goes out to those who have supported me.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
Not too long ago, a certain douchey piece of trash toddler was so sick of everyone “picking” on him for being a crusty ass sore that he took all his toys away, said he was done playing and went to sulk in the corner thinking everyone would scream, “No. Don’t go. Please.” That toddler’s name is Justin Bieber. So Shia LaDouche is plagiarizing Justin Bieber now….
Well, at least we have Eagle Eye to remember Shia LaDouche’s artistic contributions to culture.