I watched all 3 hours of last night’s American Music Awards and it took a lot of the sweet nectar to get through it. I’m surprised I’m not typing this from a hospital bed as a nurse stands next to me, wringing the booze out of my liver before shoving it back up my asshole. Watching it felt like being stuck in a suburban 10-year-old’s iTunes playlist. It was one shit song after another and at one point I weeped for our nation’s children, because when I was a kid our ears were filled with the artistic melodies put out by real artists like Milli Vanilli and Vanilla Ice.
Taylor Swift opened the crap song buffet with a performance of that “Blank Space” song and she probably gave the best performance of the night. I’m only saying that because it was a wreck from start to finish. Tay Tay recreated her video by playing a crazy-eyed, boyfriend-ruining psycho (read: herself, basically). It works in the video, but it was a mess live. Bitch ran around like an ostrich with mad squirrel disease. It’s like the deranged spirit of Norma Desmond possessed the body of a vintage Barbie.
Tay Tay’s performance looks like it was done on the set of a non-union touring production of Scooby Doo Live. I kept waiting for Shaggy and the gang to come out, pull off Taylor Swift’s mask and reveal that she’s actually Old Farmer Jenkins and it was him killing all those young, hot white men. Tay Tay’s acting wasn’t the only messy part of that performance. At first I thought she was mouthing to a track, but it became apparent that she wasn’t totally lip-synching when an off-key note shot out of her mouth and drop kicked my eardrum.
For the rest of the show, Taylor did what Taylor does: she held court with the “popular girls” (Selena Gomez and Selena’s one-time arch rival Lorde) and busted her out inflatable wind dancer moves in the front row. During Selena Gomez’s ~emotionally raw~ performance in front of a screensaver, Tay Tay did this:
Those duo of side-eyes…. They say everything.
Lorde (aka Emily the Strange with a spiral perm) is thinking to herself, “Cry, bitch, cry more! Your pain feeds my Hot Topic soul” and Taylor is either crying from the raw emotion or she’s crying from the second-hand embarrassment she feels while watching Selena squirt out tears over Justin Fucking Bieber.
And at the end of the show, I made the same face Taylor’s making when I realized that I wasted 3 hours of my night and could’ve watched The Comeback instead.
Uh oh, passive-aggressive shots fired! It was revealed yesterday in a Rolling Stone interview that human Werther’s Original Taylor Swift had written a song for her upcoming album 1989 about a super-mean tour-sabotaging former showbiz frenemy titled “Bad Blood”, but it could have also been called “Bad Blind” because it was pretty obvious she was talking about Katy Perry. Now would be a good time to remind you that Taylor Swift is almost 25 and Katy Perry will be 30 years old next month. You know, just in case you thought we were discussing the drama between two 13-year-old girls.
Even though Tay-Tay Butterscotch Sundae never named her by name (CALL A BITCH OUT, TAYLOR), Katy Perry took to Twitter (via UsWeekly) to let everyone know that even though a certain someone (CALL A BITCH OUT, KATY) might act all sweet and innocent, she’s actually more of a mean girl than she lets on:
“I prefer to think of myself as a sweet lil’ apple pie-baking spring lamb, but sheep works too I guess” – Taylor Swift.
So let me get this straight: Kay-Kay and Tay-Tay used to be friends until Kay-Kay started doing some major plastics sabotage by hooking up with Tay-Tay’s leftovers and trying to steal her dancers and saying mean things to Tay-Tay, which made Tay-Tay cry tears of liquid butterscotch into her hand-embroidered lace-trimmed pillows. So she decided to get revenge by showing everyone what an awful person Kay-Kay is by writing a song about her, but she doesn’t say who she’s talking about, because she’s SUCH a good person and would NEVER do something so bitchy. Then Kay-Kay gets revenge on Tay-Tay by
pushing her in front of a bus dragging a bitch on Twitter.
Oh my god, does Ms. Norbury have to call you two into the gymnasium and talk about the times you’ve felt personally victimized by each other?? Well she isn’t going to, because Ms. Norbury is a high school teacher and YOU ARE TWO GROWN-ASS WOMEN!
Madonna’s 13th studio album isn’t expected to be released till like, Christmas or 2016 or some shit (whenever she takes a break from Instagramming sexy memaw selfies in the bathroom, really), but the details of one track have already been leaked, and I’m sure it was totally by accident and not carefully choreographed, because Madonna would never pull such a cheap stunt to drum up publicity for an upcoming album. Never!
According to the Daily Mail, the cunty diss-hissing Madonna of days past makes a return during a song called “Two Steps Behind Me” (aka where the assistant who was hired solely to administer her daily Botox injections is at all times) which is rumored to be about unauthorized Madonna impersonator Lady Gaga. And just like Lady Gaga, the a sampling of the lyrics shows that “Two Steps Behind Me” is destined to be a busted mess:
“You’re a copycat, Where is my royalty? You’re a pretty girl, I’ll give you that. But stealing my recipe, it’s an ugly look.”
“Did you study me hard enough? You’re never gonna be, you’re just a wannabe me. Like a sister all messed-up, who’s gonna help you out? In your fantasy, you can try it all. But you can’t be me.”
“You can walk the walk, even talk the talk. But you’ll always be two steps behind me.”
Oh my god, I love bitchy Madonna as much as the next person, but this song sounds like it was written by Regina George coming out of a Kalteen Bar coma. NO! Regina George would be more creative than that! This is the song Kim Kardashian would write about the “haters” if she knew how to write. It’s so bad. But you know the video will be way worse, and I’m actually really excited about that. Madonna is about as subtle as a shit in a shoe, so the video will definitely have a low-budget Lady Gaga (“So a low-budget Madonna?” – You) spying on Madge with binoculars and tearing Vogue-era pictures of out of magazines and hanging them on her wall. It’s going to be a melodramatic middle school-looking disaster. I can’t wait!
And now for your hourly update on the state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s maybe-crumbling marriage. According to Page Six, the everlasting love between Yawncé and Joe Camel is as dead as the wifi signal in the basement (Unable to join the network “Is there not a box of old weaves I asked you to organize, Solange?”). But because Beyoncé has an ego the size of …well…Beyoncé’s ego, and Jay-Z doesn’t want to admit that one of his 99 problems is, in fact, his bitch, they’re doing everything in their power to keep from getting divorced.
A source claims that Jay-Z hired marriage counsellors to travel with them on their “On The Run” tour, but they’re really only there to help them pretend they don’t totally hate each other as they sing about being sooooo in love night after night. Apparently, once the tour ends, Beyoncé plans on putting everything Jay-Z owns in a box to the left and telling that hussy-chasing camel to hit the bricks. The source also says they stopped wearing their wedding rings a long time ago, and that Blue Ivy was a band-aid baby. Basically, IT’S OVER. Except that it’s not:
“They are trying to figure out a way to split without divorcing. This is a huge concert tour and they’ve already gotten most of the money from the promoters up front.”
The only thing those two whores love more than attention is money, so this must be a tough decision for them. While Stuntyoncé and Jay-Z would no doubt kill for the chance to milk the hell out of a public divorce, they also want to keep counting their money without getting that guilty feeling that comes from swindling gullible fools at $75 a pop. That’s what’s known in the legal community calls a Katch-22, aka ”The Kardashian Connundrum”.
And how dare I refer to Blue Ivy a band-aid baby! I should know better. Band-aids are for commoners. Surely there’s some kind of luxury designer adhesive bandage product on the market. Maybe in France? Oh shit, I spoke to soon…
That Model Magic-faced troublemaking Muppet is at it again! Less than a month after an Instagram picture of Tameka “Tiny” Cottle instigated a fight between T.I. and boxer Floyd Mayweather that turned into an ugly Memorial Day chair-throwing Fatburger brawl, she’s found herself in the middle of yet another one of her husband’s fights, this time with full-time professional crazy Internet person (and sometime rapper) Azealia Banks. Billboard says that it all started after the release of T.I.’s single with Iggy Azalea, “No Mediocre”, to which Azealia Cupholder Full of Loose Change Tweeted (then deleted):
“U want no mediocre but…Have you seen your wife?”
RUDE! Tiny Cottle is the very definition of remarkable and extraordinary, you jealous hag. Naturally a statement that nasty would make anyone want to reply back: “Bitch, have you seen how long it’s taking you to release an album??”, but T.I. took the high road and said nothing. This must have pissed off Azealia even more, because she kept taking swipes at T.I. and Tiny in an insanely bold Twitter rant on Tuesday (which has since been deleted, because Azealia has a hard time releasing stuff) but thankfully Billboard hit ctrl+C before she did. This shit is long and messy, so it’s after the break:
If you ever wished someone would combine the harrowing courtroom custody battle from Kramer vs. Kramer with the over-the-top drama school theatrics of a Real Housewives reunion show and just a pinch of Michael Jackson face, then I have good news for you! Bethenny Frankel, former RHONY cast member, former talk show host, and former praying mantis (needs verification) is currently fighting with her ex-husband Jason Hoppy over the custody of their 4-year-old daughter Bryn, and Us Weekly says that Bethenny is putting on a performance worthy of a Daytime Emmy with her testimony against her ex. For your consideration...
Bethenny brings the Lifetime made-for-TV movie drama:
“Jason said to me, ‘Get ready, we are going to war. It’s over. We’re done.” He would hold Bryn, and he would say, ‘You’re finished, you’re done. I’m going to ruin you.’”
Bethenny brings the classic afternoon telenovela drama:
“He said, ‘You’re dead to me. I want nothing to do with you. You think I want to be with you on the holidays? You’re a piece of shit. You’re garbage. You have no idea what I’ve got on you.”
Bethenny brings the Disney Channel drama:
“He would say, ‘Mommy should be Ursula the witch. She’s a great witch. You be the princess, I’ll be the prince, Mommy will be the witch.”
Bethenny bring some sort of A&E’s Hoarders-themed drama:
“He would leave the house in shambles. There would be dishes everywhere. He would pee and poop and leave it in the toilets.”
I understand wanting to come for a trifling hoe in a court of law, but damn, this custody fight is getting messy. I’m not a parent, but it was my understanding that as long as you gave them clean clothes, food, hugs, snuggles, and teach them shapes and shit, you’re doing an a-ok job raising your kid. As it turns out, floating a bootycake in the toilet bowl is grounds for losing custody of your child.
And I hope the first thing the judge did after hearing Bethenny’s testimony was politely inform her that being compared to Ursula is a compliment, not an insult.
In between tripping down the red carpet, riffing to the audience at the Academy Awards, and stuffing her face full of pizza, Jennifer Lawrence appeared to be going for a new personal best in regards to convincing us that even though she’s at the Oscars, she’s still just a frumpy food-hongray bridge troll who snuck into Hollywood and keeps it rill by ripping farts in her Dior dress. However, some people thought she might be laying in on a little thick, one of which being Jesus’s druggy fuckup brother Jared Leto, who all but dramatically screamed “STUNT QUEEEEEEN!” when asked by Access Hollywood about J-Law:
Shortly before presenting an award, Lawrence looked into the crowd and said, “Why are you laughing? What, is this funny? I’m still watching you!”
And it seems as though Leto, and his family, were to blame for the distraction just moments after she walked out onto the stage.
“She said, ‘What are you laughing at?’ But what she didn’t know was that Ellen [DeGeneres] was on the side…making, pantomiming [motions like], ‘Don’t fall, don’t fall!’, and my mom and brother are all cracking up,” he revealed.
“I guess we don’t have manners. You can take them out of Louisiana, but you can’t take the Louisiana out of them, right?”
That would be enough evidence for the government to make you mysteriously disappear. But I guess Jared keeps it more real than J-Law and doesn’t give a fuck about taking America’s Sweetheart’s name in vain, because he then said this:
The Dallas Buyers Club actor jokingly dissed J.Law when asked what he thought about her latest falling incident:
“You know, I’m starting to wonder if this is a bit of an act.”
And immediately after the last word left his lips, a cloth bag was thrown over Jared’s head and he was ushered away into protective custody, where he’ll live out the rest of his life as a pharmacy assistant at a New Mexico Walgreens under the assumed name of Darren Sbarro.
Shia LaDouche is facing a lawsuit from comic book artist Daniel Clowes for stealing some of Clowes’ work for his short film and he’s also facing a class-action lawsuit from millions of humans who sprained their necks while shaking their heads at his copy + paste theatrics. Everybody hates Shia LaDouche right now. So because Shia’s name is the #1 answer for the question, “Whose face do you want to punch repeatedly?” on Family Feud, he’s taking the hint and retiring. Shia dramatically announced on Twitter last night that he’s taking his final bow and is done with creating. To quote Jon Gosselin’s piece after he cums and says he’s done fucking her: “I wasn’t even aware you started, bitch.” Shia LaDouche has only created a crotch crabs and dick fleas mutant hybrid, but whatever.
Shia is so sick and tired of hating whores calling him out for his acts of shameless thievery that he’s done with public life. As an entire world weeped and screamed out “OH GOD OH GOD WHY?!” at the fact that there will never be an Even Stevens reunion movie, Shia twatted this out:
In light of the recent attacks against my artistic integrity, I am retiring from all public life.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
My love goes out to those who have supported me.
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
— Shia LaBeouf (@thecampaignbook) January 10, 2014
Not too long ago, a certain douchey piece of trash toddler was so sick of everyone “picking” on him for being a crusty ass sore that he took all his toys away, said he was done playing and went to sulk in the corner thinking everyone would scream, “No. Don’t go. Please.” That toddler’s name is Justin Bieber. So Shia LaDouche is plagiarizing Justin Bieber now….
Well, at least we have Eagle Eye to remember Shia LaDouche’s artistic contributions to culture.
If real life was Hairspray, Gwyneth Paltrow would be Velma Von Tussle, Vanity Fair would be Tracy Turnblad, Dlisted would be Corny Collins, and the rest of us would all be Link Larkin swooning over the framed picture of Vanity Fair on our night stand. Just like Velma spent every waking hour trying to get Tracy booted off The Corny Collins Show, Gwyneth is funnelling all her smug hatred into bringing down Vanity Fair. Today’s Question With an Obvious Answer is: Do we think Gwyneth was a bully in high school?
Radar reports that despite Vanity Fair’s latest issue lacking the expose, Gwyneth isn’t sleeping soundly just yet. A source claims:
“It’s still going to run and it could possibly break online in the next two-three weeks. Too many resources have been plowed into it and too many bridges have been brined for it to be killed. She wants the magazine’s reputation destroyed before they can even publish anything on her.”
Even though Gwyneth has publicly bragged about how few fucks she gives what people think of her, behind closed doors (very expensive doors on special hinges that you cannot afford) she’s up all night sending out mass emails begging her friends to destroy Vanity Fair’s reputation before the story is published. It’s reported that she’s convinced George Clooney to withdraw from the magazine’s Hollywood Issue cover, but others, like Julia Roberts (who is close with Vanity Fair’s editor-in-chief Graydon Carter), have not been so responsive.
“[Julia] is ignoring Gwyneth, has no problem with Graydon and is happily still committed to appear on the cover of that issue,” the source revealed, noting that the refusal to bend to Paltrow’s wishes “has probably ended any chance of a friendship between the two of them.”
Ouch. Sounds like Julia responded to Gwyneth’s email with an extra-strenght eye roll and the dealwithit.gif. In other news, did I just start hating Julia Roberts a little less? Julia just proved that no matter how deluded you are to think you could take down an entire magazine, there will always be somebody with a bit more power, laughing at you as they forward your emails to the trash bin.
And if you’re ever having a bad day, just imagine Gwyneth Paltrow at home shitting herself in a pair of $350 100-mile panties every time she refreshes the Vanity Fair homepage.
(Pic via Wenn)
The Summer’s Eve Douche Death Match between Justin Timberlake and Kanye West went into round 2 last night on SNL when Justin grabbed Kanye’s kilt and dragged that trick’s ass along the floor for talking shit about “Suit & Tie.”
At his show in London last month, Kanye Kardashian fired the first shot during one of his eye roll-inducing rants when he said, “I got love for Hov, but I ain’t fucking with that ‘Suit & Tie.’” Coming from a trick who’s fucking with a Kardashian, that’s a compliment. So Justin should’ve flipped his head the other way and ignored Gay Fish, but since he can’t resist a good old-fashioned douche off, he fired back last night. While performing “Suit & Tie” with Jay-Z (click here if you need to see it), the Robin Thicke impersonator sang out this lyric:
“My hits so sick/Got rappers acting dramatic.”
This beef is nowhere near as entertaining as LaDouche vs. Baldwin, but I still love it when two catty queens try to yank the plugs out of each other’s asses. I’m sure Kanye will come back and try to slap the Dark & Lovely out of Justin’s hair. I’m not on Team Gay Fish and I’m not on Team Timberlake, but I still can’t wait for their next meeting in the ladies room.
Here’s some pictures of Justin and Jessica Biel outside of the SNL after-party last night and also some pictures of Jessica trying to stir up the pregnancy rumors by wearing some maternity shit yesterday afternoon.