Hi all! I’m C.J. and just starting today with Dlisted. Like J Harvey, I’m from Boston, but I don’t have a cah to pahk in the yahd, unfortunately. And I apologize in advance for the uptick in Jane Pauley-related posts, but she’s a national treasure and long overdue for her moment! In the meantime….
Ryan Murphy is somewhere praying Iggy Azalea and Azealia Banks start fighting again ASAP because F/X is going to be F/X/Y/Zzzzzzzz if Feud 17 has to be about Drake Bell not getting the invite to Josh Peck’s wedding and crying about it. John Stamos, Josh’s Grandfathered co-star, Instagrammed a photo where he’s posing like Fabio on the cover of a Dollar Tree romance novel and boasted how he got the invite and didn’t even want to go.
Josh Peck and Drake Bell have appeared on multiple Nickelodeon TV shows together (The Amanda Show, Drake & Josh, the two Drake & Josh specials). But that was clearly a long time ago. Josh is no longer a chubby kid in a series of bad wigs, and Drake has moved on to the messy former child star chapter of his life. By all accounts, they’re not close. That didn’t stop Drake from pouting online about not getting an invitation to Josh’s wedding.
Josh Peck married his girlfriend Paige O’Brien on Saturday. E! News says that several fans wondered online why Drake Bell was MIA from the wedding. Drake took his complaints to Twitter and tweeted (then deleted) “When you’re not invited to the wedding the message is clear…” which was followed by “Loyalty is key. ALWAYS remember where you came from.”
That’s not to say Josh didn’t invite any of his former co-workers to his wedding. On the contrary, E! says the guest list included his Grandfathered co-star John Stamos, as well as the mom of the two 4-year-old twins who plays Josh’s on-screen daughter.
I’m sure there’s a very good reason for why Drake didn’t get invited. Weddings are expensive, and Josh probably only had enough money left in the budget for one extra celebrity guest. And when it comes down to it, you know he’s always going to keep a seat open for Oprah.
Don’t worry, Silver Age of Nickelodeon fanpeople, he’s only going to jail for about four days. The 11 of you can breathe easy. On Friday, attempted Justin Bieber arch-nemesis Drake Bell accepted a plea deal for his 2015 DUI arrest. He’ll have to do 96 hours in jail. According to California law, you have to spend at least four days going #2 with very little privacy if you have a second conviction within a ten-year span. Bell received another DUI in San Diego back in 2009.
According to People, Bell failed a sobriety test in Glendale, CA in December of last year. He was pulled over for “for straddling a lane, traveling at an unsafe speed and abruptly stopping at a red light.”
Things post-Drake & Josh have been hit-or-miss for Mr. Bell. He starred in a couple of movies and looked pretty damn good in a speedo on a reality diving show. However, he declared bankruptcy in 2014, and apparently doesn’t have any buddies around to snatch his car keys out of his hand at critical moments. Also, he spent time cat-scratching at Bieber on Twitter more than once, and then tussled with the irritating shithead’s insane fans over it. That’s beneath him. That’s beneath anybody. That’s beneath your basement’s dirt floor and most puddles. That beneath…shit, nevermind.
I should add that the only thing I’ve actually seen Bell act in was this movie where he was duct-taped nude to a statue in public. I’m going to bet having to appear like that on camera was still less traumatizing than taking a smash with an audience.
UPDATE: Aaaaaand he’s already out for “good behavior.”
Drake Bell, who was in that Drake & Josh show on Nickelodeon, has joined those of us who tell the Target cashier, “Oh, let me just rub that shit against my pants. The strip is obviously wonky,” when our card declines while buying bacon jerky and boxed wine.
Drake Bell’s Broke Ass Child Star membership card arrived in the mail the other day when he filed for bankruptcy. TMZ says that most of Drake’s assets can fit in that Speedo. In the documents, Drake says his debts total $581,000 and he makes $2,820 a month, but has $18,771 a month in expenses. Drake’s house is valued at $1.575 million, but I guess he took out a few loans on it, because he owes $1.597 million. Last year, Zillow said that the bank slapped a foreclosure notice on Drake’s house in Los Feliz. TMZ also says that Drake pulled in $408,000 in 2012, but 2013 wasn’t that bitch’s year, because he only brought in $14,099. On top of all of that, Drake owes a mountain of money to the IRS.
Drake Bell, of course, is denying all of this on Twatter:
Sweet! Finally TMZ has printed false statements about me!! Hahaha
— Drake Bell (@DrakeBell) February 12, 2014
I know that when Nickelodeon and Disney child stars start to grow pubes on their own, the evil pimp executives throw them out onto the curb and don’t really care what happens to them. But those pimp executives should grow a sliver of a heart and at least give them a Suze Orman book while kicking them out the exit door. Maybe then they’d learn that they probably shouldn’t blow their cash on a house they can’t really afford and Victoria Justice Real Dolls (squint and you might see it), because if they do they could end up sucking dick for some Pintos ‘N Cheese behind a Taco Bell with the rest of us. (I could make a dirty dick joke here, but I won’t do it today. It’s lunchtime.)
I was going to say that Drake could make some cash by doing a reality shit show, but he already did the shittiest reality shit show of them all: Splash. So that leaves gay porn. That “private” number burning up your phone, isn’t another creditor calling for their cash, Drake. It’s Sean Cody. Pick it up.
If only Drake Bell got a dollar for every time a Belieber’s cherry exploded while reading this story, he’d have enough cash to pay off all his debts and then some.