Category: Douche Moves
Chris Brown Lost Last Night’s “Best R&B Album” Grammy to Robert Glasper, And Unsurprisingly, Acted Like A Sore Loser
In a time when we can almost always find ways to disagree on the most trivial of issues, I find comfort in knowing the majority of us (aside from Kelly Rowland; Lizzo; and for some reason, the people who keep nominating him for awards) can come together to agree that Chris Brown has remained the actual worst for well over a decade. He’s shown no growth. Yet, he’s somehow managed to remain in the pop culture lexicon, and his album, Breezy (Deluxe), was just nominated for Best R&B Album at last night’s Grammys. But Chris lost to Robert Glasper, who also beat Mary J. Blige, Lucky Daye, and PJ Morton to claim the trophy for his album, Black Radio III. It should be shocking to no one that Chris acted like a sore Chris Brown loser and took to his Instagram Stories several times to take several Chris Browns shits on Robert.
YouTube Douche Logan Paul Apologized Twice For Filming A Recent Suicide Victim
If a shitstain had a shitstain, that shitstain’s shitstain would be YouTube celebrity vlogger/prankster Logan Paul. If you don’t know who he is, I’d describe him as having the swagger and style of an early aughts Justin Bieber mixed with the wit and cunning of Carrot Top and the glassy eyed, slack jawed vibe of a lobotomized Jeff Spicoli. And because we are a troubled nation, Logan Paul is very, very popular. Or at least he was until his latest stunt, filmed in Japan’s infamous Aokigahara forest which is sometimes referred to as the “suicide forest”, reminded everybody that he’s a fucking asshole.
Don’t You Even Dare Clap Offbeat In Justin Bieber’s Presence!
Justin Bieber’s Tantrum Tour through Europe took him to Spain where he walked out of a radio station interview because he didn’t like their questions and it also took him to Norway where he walked off the stage in a hissy fit after some fans kept touching his legs as he tried to clean up the wet oopsie he made (spilled water, my ass!). Well, before he left Europe, the Biebs delivered one last smug moment during a performance on the Spanish TV show El Hormiguero.
As cracked out peen puppets swayed on the side, the Biebs yodeled out an acoustic version of “What Do You Mean?” but stopped for a minute when his not-knowing fans kept clapping offbeat. Those fans are lucky they didn’t clap off key at a Taylor Swift concert, because she would’ve sued them all for ruining her song. But those rhythmically challenged peasants did get a lesson in clapping from Toddler Professor Bieber. It starts at around the 2:33 mark.
In the Biebs defense (I hate myself a whole lot more whenever I type that), the audience’s clapping skills were a mess and I did laugh at him getting all bitchy with his own damn fans. And I bet that after he left the stage, the sound of clapping grew louder because everyone repeatedly slapped themselves for being that little turd’s fan.
And here’s the clap master outside of Kendall Jenner’s birthday party in L.A. last night.
Pics: Splash
Justin Bieber Is Becoming A Junior Master At Quitting Things
Yesterday, Justin Bieber, a proud graduate of Kanye West’s Nurse School of Doucheness, walked out in the middle of an interview with a Spanish radio station, because he didn’t like the question about who dresses him (a slow clap for that shady question) and other questions that didn’t have to do with his music. The Biebs made it perfectly clear with his facial expressions that he was over it and he left without saying so much as an “adios, bitch!” The truth is, the Beibs is showing a little bit of maturity, because in the past, he would’ve thrown a hissy fight and cried until his au pair ran in, stuck a Sizzurp-dipped pacifier in his cry hole and carried him out while burping him. Well, today, Justin Bieber walked out on something again, but this time he walked out on a bunch of his fans who buy his music and keep him in the finest saggy diaper pants money can buy .
Right before a performance for a TV show in Oslo, Norway, some of his fans in the front row spilled water. The Biebs tried to clean it up at first, but after scolding his fans, he said fuck it and dramatically exited the stage. Justin’s dramatic asshole stage exit gets a solid F from me, because he didn’t throw an invisible scarf around his shoulder, arch his back and do a jazz walk offstage.
The Biebs later burped up an apology on Instragram and said that he’s sowwy. He’s just got the tireds real bad!
Sadly it’s Been a rough week for me, long days no sleep, while having to be “on” as they would say for cameras fans etc. In no way did I mean to come across mean, but chose to end the show as the people in the front row would not listen. Hopefully people will understand where I am coming from. I don’t always handle things the right way but I’m human and I’m working on getting better at responding not reacting. Unfortunately people were affected by this as am I. For the people in the back I am so sorry and for anyone I may have disappointed im sorry. Sorry for wasting the tv people’s time I’ll be sure to make it up to you next time on tour.. With love Justin.
What’s really shitty is that I don’t even think that’s spilled water. Justin Bieber probably temporarily forgot his potty training and had an accident on the stage. Then he not only blamed it on his fans, but he bitched them out for it. That’s more cold-hearted than letting out a fart and blaming it on your puppy. And Ellen DeGeneres better leave a chair vacant for him, because her show will be his first stop on his Apology 2.0 Tour.
Pic: Wenn.com
Justin Bieber Wants You To Know He Was Just Pretending To Be A Little Asshole Last Year
Richie Rich’s bratty new-money Canadian cousin Justin Bieber learned a very valuable lesson last Christmas: if you act like a shitty little asshole all year, Santa will put your ass on the naughty list and stuff your stocking full of reindeer turds and dry cleaning coupons. So to make sure he doesn’t get put on the naughty list again this year and ensure that Santa brings him the Pooch Patrol he wants, Justin Bieber is doing everything he can to convince us he’s no longer a lil’ asshole troublemaker, including filming a creepy video (in what appears to be a crawlspace or the bottom of a well or the only room in his clubhouse without a working light) claiming that he’s not a lil’ asshole and he never was – he was just pretending to be a lil’ asshole.
Justin Bieber filmed this video shortly after the Justin Bieber: I’m A Good Boy Now tour made a stop at Ellen for the taping of Ellen DeGeneres’ birthday episode yesterday and a clip of him acting all weird and awkward like a guilty toddler hit the internet. But Justin says he was just nervous because he was afraid people would be at home judging him and he didn’t want to come off “arrogant or conceited”. Yeah, too fucking late.
He also got all ~deep~ by talking about how he’s done “pretending” to be someone he’s not, and that he’s not actually an awful come-to-life canker sore. Basically, the brat that terrorized 2014 was actually just Justin’s interpretation of a brat. According to Justin, the real Justin is “kind and loving and gentle and soft”. I knew it! I knew he was technically still a baby! Here’s lil’ baby Justin on Ellen making strange with Ellen and making me want to barf by talking about his CK baby bits ads:
Warning: Toxic Levels Of Douchery Ahead
If Everlast found a way to turn Justin Bieber’s deposition video into a punching bag, they’d be the richest company on the planet and we’d all have broken knuckles and triceps the size of that little twat’s ego from punching that shit repeatedly. Because damn, the Biebs’ deposition video could be used as propaganda for the Abuelitas 4 Spanking League.
The runny bowel nugget that Canada shat onto the US was deposed last week in Miami for that lawsuit thrown at him by a paparazzo who was allegedly attack by his bodyguard and TMZ got a hold of the video. It’s smugness triple wrapped in arrogance and covered with several layers of thick, frothy dick cheese. The Biebs’ face contorts into an arrogant smirk at almost every question that the paparazzo’s lawyer asks him. The Biebs pretends he doesn’t know Usher’s government name, he asks if it’s a deposition or an interview, he calls the lawyer Katie Couric and his anus lips pop off when he’s asked about Selena Gomez. It’s the most hilarious thing this wet piece of tampon lint has ever done. He’s a spoiled, bratty, shit head toddler one minute and a know-it-all asshole dad the next. It’s one hundred percent pure douche and I think my asshole is cleaner from watching it. Kanye and King Joffrey both watched this and said at the same time, “Tone it down, bitch, tone it down.”
I’ll stop, because you really should just watch this mess for yourself. But before you hit play, Gorilla Glue your computer to your desk, because you will want to throw it against the wall before taking a sledgehammer to it.
Where was an abuelita with a chancleta when we all needed one most?! Every time that popped nipple pimple smirked, I thought to myself that if I did that in front of my abuelita, I wouldn’t be able to smirk again, because my face would be paralyzed from her slapping me with all her rings on. The next time the Vanilla Ice butt plug is deposed, the other side should bring an abuelita with them for ammunition. The abuelita wouldn’t even have to slap him. She’d raise a switch at him and he’d go running out of the room while screeching like a kid who was pepper sprayed in the face by a trans flower on the subway.
And the words, “I think I was detrimental to my own career,” will one day be etched into his career’s tombstone.