Category: Don’t Threaten Me With A Good Time

Channing Tatum’s Writing Partner Is A Marble Bust Of The Texas T-Rex

February 10, 2014 / Posted by:

But where are his tiny marble T-Rex arms? How can he play tiny marble bongos on a little marble beach without his tiny T-Rex arms? And why is it so white? Matthew McConaughey never lets his beautiful, leathery skin get half a shade lighter than Pantone 173-C (I believe it’s called Faded Football).

Good news today for those of you obsessed with seeing dudes shake their junk in oversized sweatpants (shamefully raises hand); Channing Tatum uploaded this picture of himself in a dumb hat staring at the dead eyes of David Wooderson to Instagram with the caption:

“What better way to start writing #MagicMike2 than with my old friend Dallas? #runatribe”

Well, I can think of a better way. If you’re writing a script about male strippers, you should be eyeball-deep in dongs; the only penis-like thing I can see in that room is whatever it is that’s sticking out of your hat, and that’s not good enough. I don’t want to watch a movie about wispy feather-peens. And maybe switch out that boring statue of the Texas T-Rex for a dancing Santa in a g-string. I’m not trying to be bossy; I just to make sure that Channing Tatum is going to follow through on the promise he made to The Hollywood Reporter back in June that Magic Mike 2 is going to burn Magic Mike 1 down and grind all over the ashes:

“It will be a road-trip movie, and it will essentially be the movie that everyone thought the first one was going to be: crazy and fun and less slice-of-life and less drama. The first one, we had to make not so cheesy and campy; this one we are going to swing for the fences.”

That’s too many words! He should have just saved himself some time and held up a picture of Joe Manganiello“More of this. Lots more of this. 2 hours of this humping on stuff to 2 Chainz“.

(Pic: Channing Tatum)

Alexis Carrington And Shirley Partridge Are Fighting About Group Sex (UPDATE: Alexis Is Victorious!)

August 1, 2013 / Posted by:

Before we get nipples deep into Alexis Carrington and Shirley Partridge’s foursome fluids, let’s take a moment to bow down to Shirley Jones’ style skills. Yes, she’s a goddamn whore mouth lie-teller (more on that in a second), but she knows how to put together a glamorous ensemble. Mixing a rhinestone necklace with a Land’s End fleece jacket is the look and more.

Shirley Jones is out there peddling her memoirs and she knows that the easiest way to get people to put their eyes on her book is to write about the adventures of Mrs. Partridge’s pussy. (Or is it, “the easiest way to get people’s eyes to fall out of their head“? I get the two confused.) Shirley’s book is filled with a few stories about the sex stuff she got into over the years and in one chapter she writes about how her vagine almost ran into Alexis Carrington’s precious jewel box. Shirley claims that long before Joan Collins became everybody’s idol Alexis Carrington, she met her in the 1960s. Shirley and her husband-at-the-time Jack Cassidy had dinner at Joan’s house. After dinner, Joan’s then-husband Anthony Newley subtly suggested that they cleanse their palates on each other’s naked bodies. Shirley writes that Anthony suggested that they all get naked and watch porn together and “it was clear what Tony was leading up to — swinging.” Shirley says that she and Jack turned their invitation to Four Way Fuck Town down.

Joan is about to slap Shirley Jones and beat her ass in a fountain, because she says that the whole thing is a lie. According to TMZ, Joan’s lawyers sent a cease and desist letter to Shirley demanding that she stop selling the book since it’s full of lies. Shirley spat on Joan’s threat and isn’t pulling her book out of stores since she claims she only wrote the truth.

It goes without saying, but I am always on Team Alexis. But this time, I am really on Team Alexis. Shirley’s little story doesn’t even make sense. Shirley is trying to make us believe that her husband said “no, thank you” to Joan Collins’ lusciously smooth sex goddess body? It’s as if a Pop-Tart ice cream sandwich from Carl’s Jr. landed on my lap and I said, “I don’t want to put my mouth on that today, sorry.” It just doesn’t make sense. No me can resist a Pop-Tart ice cream sandwich and no man, gay, straight or bi can resist Joan Collins! That’s the most slanderous part of Shirley’s obviously fake story.

Get that bitch, Joan. Get her for trying to ruin your reputation.

UPDATE: TMZ says that both Shirley and her publisher realized that they are no match for the most powerful woman in the world Alexis Carrington and have decided to erase the Joan story from the e-book and it won’t be in future reprints. Joan told TMZ, “We all make mistakes. I’ve made a few myself, but not with Mrs. Jones. I’m a serial monogamist.”

Don’t You Just Hate It When A One Night Stand Pulls A Knife On You?

April 18, 2013 / Posted by:

Seen above as the kosher meat in a caucasian-jewish-korean manwich, Eddie Kaye Thomas, better known as Shit-Break from the American Pie movies, had to call the police yesterday afternoon after his one night trick turned into a knife-wielding crazy bitch who was once step away from boiling his bunny rabbit. Didn’t Eddie Kaye Thomas learn anything from his own movies? Sometimes it’s better just to stay home and fuck an apple pie from Costco.

TMZ says that Eddie picked up a trick at Mel’s Diner of all places on Tuesday night and brought her back to his house in the Hollywood Hills. The next day, Eddie tried to get the trick out of his house and that’s when she pulled some “I’m not going to be ignored” shit. My guess is that Eddie told her she had to leave, because he was needed on set. Even crazy bitches know that Eddie hasn’t said that line truthfully since 2010.

When Eddie asked that insane trick to leave, she pulled a knife on him. Eddie ran outside and called the police. They sent the SWAT team and while they were outside of Eddie’s house, the crazy bitch was inside, trashing his house. The SWAT team had to tear gas the ho to get her out. She was booked for felony vandalism after she was checked out at a hospital.

Who in the hell brings a jump-off home anymore? (If you’ve got a one night trick cleaning out their genitals in your bathroom sink while you’re reading this, you should make a guilty face.) Yes, most of us have done it, but we still know that you’re not supposed to bring a one-time fuck partner to your house. That’s what the backseat of cars, alleyways, bar bathrooms and Porta Potties on construction sites are for. (Side note: Somebody should really make Porta Potties for one night stands. They can put ‘em outside of all the bars. They can call ‘em Porta Fuckies.)

If Eddie wanted to get that lunatic ho out fast, he should’ve just put on one of those direct-to-DVD American Pie movies. That will make even the craziest bitch scatter for the door.

With all that being said, you know Eddie’s going to call her back for a second round, because there ain’t no ass like crazy ass.

Beer Pong In Cabo

December 31, 2012 / Posted by:

New Year’s Eve started early in Cabo San Lucas! Here’s a pic that Stacy Kiebler tweeted of Michael Phelps and herself playing a friendly little game of beer pong with the message “Dominating. #TeamBaltimore #geometry m_phelps00 #goodtimes.”

Gossip Cop says half of Hollywood is in Cabo right now, including George “I came for the Phelps” Clooney, Jennifer Aniston, Justin Theroux, Jimmy Kimmel, Emily Blunt and Molly McNearney. But none of them know how to party like a frat boy like these two. I guess the multi-talented Phelps can swim AND drink like a fish!! That is truly bringing home the gold. And you know Stacy’s ass can put away some booze, like she does every night while she writes “Mrs. Stacy Clooney” over and over in fancy script on tear stained paper.

My question is, how long did it take Phelps to figure out that Stacey had asked him to play “pong” and not “bong”?? I wonder how many times he tried to light his beer. “This shit is too wet, and where the hell is the carb??” -Phelps.

Happy New Year! I say we all do like Stacy and Michael and start getting our drunk on NOW.

“I’m Not Fucking Justin Bieber, You Motherfuckers!”

September 22, 2012 / Posted by:

Never mess with a rock star who still looks like a Joan Jett rag doll made of t-shirts from Hot Topic, because he will burn the place down with the fuck bombs launching out of his mouth.

During Green Day’s set at the iHeartRadio Music Festival in Las Vegas last night, the timer in front of the band let them know that they only had 1 minute left, because Usher went 25 minutes over. Billie Joe Armstrong was not having any of it. Bille Joe stopped everything to give the performance of Green Day’s career. Billie Joe busted into a hilarious freak out where he yelled at the organizers for disrespecting a dude who has been in the game for over 20 years. I kept waiting for someone to hand BJ a dirty martini and for him to lean against a grand piano and slur out shit like, “Your know what your problem is! You have some nerve! It’s the pictures that got small! Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my -godfuckingdamnit, that guitar is looking at me funny. I’ll show you, guitar!

Billie Joe got so mad that I’m sure the hairs on his b-hole stood up like some of the hairs on his head. Bitch went off and I love every millisecond of this dramatic cunt meltdown from the first “fuck” that comes out of his mouth to the last one. I even loved that it almost took him 10 minutes to destroy his guitar. PUNK! ROCK! If that guitar had eyes, it would be rolling them. It was taking so long for BJ to put a dent in that guitar, so it finally took pity on him and broke itself.

And Billie Joe’s eyeliner stayed immaculate during this entire bitch fest. A true DIVA!

Here’s some hos who got to witness Billie Joe’s “We’re fucking done professionally!” rant live last night. In order: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, the second hardest bitches there, the hardest bitch there, Usher, No Doubt, Kathy Griffin, Ryan Lochte (looking like a 2nd grader circa 1983 wearing a homemade Thriller costume) and Colton Haynes.

Jason Statham Is A Spitter

February 24, 2012 / Posted by:

Not since Pumkin gave New York a saliva facial on Flavor of Love have I seen a spray of spit hit a face like this.

The size small bag of British muscles known as Jason Statham was out apartment shopping in NYC with his girlfriend Rosie Huntington-Whateverly yesterday when he greeted an aggressive ass paparazzo with a warm load of foamy mouth spooge. There are some hos who would gnaw their leg off with a pair of old dentures to get it in the face from Jason Statham and he’s out there giving it away for free.

So if an item on your cum bucket list is to get sprayed in the face with Jason Statham’s bodily fluids, then just come at him with a camera. Make sure you shut your eyes and tell him to watch the hair. Also, have a medic standing by, because I’m pretty sure his saliva has biceps on it too.

They Don’t Call It The Heart Attack Grill For Nothing

February 15, 2012 / Posted by:

WARNING: If you’re an American, this story will make you TOO proud to be an American.

Las Vegas’ The Heart Attack Grill is a giant slice of KFed’s idea of heaven and it’s a charbroiled magical emporium of greasy gross where mega fat bitches who weigh over 350lbs eat for free and where one burger can be stuffed with almost 8,000 calories. The waitresses dress like slutty nurses and they’ll roll you out to your car in a wheelchair after you’ve eaten more calories than an entire village in Somalia eats in a year. There’s even a sign warning you that it’s hazardous to your health. It’s the perfect place to go when you’ve released all the fucks in your system to make way for 10 pounds of bacon wrapped around a block of fried cheese stuffed into an entire ground up cow. So that’s Heart Attack Grill and the other day, a 40-something dude put the heart attack in Heart Attack Grill when he had one while eating there.

The unnamed man walked into the Heart Attack Grill by himself and made the artery veins around his heart cringe when he picked up a menu. Then he made those artery veins pull themselves from his heart when he ordered a Triple Bypass Burger. The man ate half of the burger when he started getting the sweats and couldn’t form words. His waitress/fake nurse told the owner/fake doctor (seen above) who called 911. The EMTs arrived, threw him onto a gurney and wheeled him out of the restaurant through a crowd of tourists who thought it was a stunt and took a bunch of pictures.

The owner confirms that the man had a heart attack and says that he’s recovering at the hospital. The owner also tried to keep from creaming into his scrubs over the free publicity when he told Fox5Vegas that he feels sorry for the man: “I actually felt horrible for the gentleman because the tourists were taking photos of him as if it were some type of stunt. Even with our own morbid sense of humor, we would never pull a stunt like that.”

See, doesn’t it feel like the American flag is warmly hugging your heart? Or maybe you’re having a coronary from just thinking about shoving over 4,000 delicious calories into your eat hole at one time.

Charlize Can Sleep On My Bed Anytime

December 28, 2011 / Posted by:

Charlize Theron has been a busy goddess. Between filming Young Adult, Snow White and The Huntsman and Prometheus, she says what she does in her downtime is mostly sleep, according to Showbiz Spy. In the interview, she talks about her love of travel, wine, and good conversation, none of which she has time for right now. Beer boy below may just have to wait. Charlize gets first crack. Ha I just said Charlize and crack, and of course my mind went there. Excuse me for a minute.

Okay, I’m back. That didn’t take long…I mean we’re talking about Charlize here. So she also said “I love watching movies. I haven’t been able to watch a lot of movies recently and I can’t wait to go home and have the screeners come in and just couch up.” GIRL, I am with you. I have a great DVD collection in addition to pronhub so we are SO on the same page. We can drink wine, have conversation (maybe “good” is not on the menu, but hey), watch movies (bow-chicka-BOW-WOW), do uh whatever comes naturally and then you can catch your coveted Zs on my pillow top king size. Just enjoy those sweet dreams and don’t pay any attention to the woman under the silk sheet.

FINALLY! Glenn Beck Is Putting Out A Teabagger Clothing Line!

October 12, 2011 / Posted by:

So I’m over at Towleroad and I come across this bright shining headline that made the pores on my thighs let out a simultaneous YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEESSSS! Glenn Beck is finally answering all of ours calls by putting out a clothing line for teabaggers. Now, I didn’t read the statement since usually everything that comes out of Glenn Beck’s mouth sounds like a vagina bawling into a rubber Barbie face to me and I was really too busy screaming at the upcoming winter winds that they aren’t going to give me frozen thighs this year!

Think about it. Don’t you just hate it when you’re out in “the field,” dunking your bags in a trick’s mouth and you suddenly see a flashing flashlight coming from yonder. You gotta undunk and then run your almost bare ass out onto the street while pulling your jeans up over your cold thighs. It’s the worst and will ruin your night. Don’t even ask me, “But Michael, why don’t you just push your goods out through the zipper hole?” Are you serious? And don’t even ask me to wear button fly. But I don’t need to now that Glenn Beck’s teabagger clothing line is almost here!

It’s probably going to look something like this:

But you know, the trapdoor will be in the front instead. It will also be fastened with Velcro and there will be two tiny trapdoors since sometimes you just want to dunk one nut instead of the whole pot. Even if you don’t play outdoors, Glenn Beck’s teabagger pants will come in handy when you’ve got a hardcore itch on your crotch ball that can’t be killed with an over-the-pants scratch.

I don’t know if America will thank Glenn Beck, but I know plenty of nutsacks and thighs that will.

PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!

July 8, 2011 / Posted by:

Unless you’re the person in charge of writing Tommy Girl’s rider, you probably don’t get the word “PENIS!” shouted at you in the workplace. But the lucky (or unlucky, depending on who you ask) employees at Archie Comics know exactly what it feels like to get harshly fucked in the ears with the “PENIS” word by their co-CEO Nancy Silberkleit and now they want her out.

TMZ reports that Nancy, who inherited the job from her late husband and has no experience in running a comic book company, is being sued by Archie Comics Publications for bullying and sexually harassing employees. They say that once during a meeting in 2009, Nancy crashed into the conference room and shouted “PENIS! PENIS! PENIS! PENIS!” while pointing at each person there. Nancy went on another verbal PENIS! frenzy last year and also told a few employees that her “balls hurt.”

A firm who specializes in sexual harassment cases advised Archie Comics to pull the PENIS! out of their company and fire Nancy. Archie Comics wants a judge to ban Nancy from the offices and keep her from representing their shit at events.

Either this is marketing for Horrible Bosses, ho has Tourette’s or she’s my kind of boss who uses PENIS! to spice up a bland and boring meeting. Most of us have sat in useless, stupid meetings wishing that who ever was talking would say the word PENIS! on a loop and that there would be cups and plates of PENIS! on the table instead of stale crackers and tap water, so I’m not even mad at Nancy. PENIS! is a beautiful word and should be used as much as possible. But maybe this crazy penis-loving bitch just isn’t right for Archie. Nancy should get a job where PENIS! is cherished, loved and appreciated. You know, like the Scientology Center or the office of an anti-gay politician.

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