Finally, a story that will lift your soul high and carry you into Saturday night on a cloud of YAASSSSSS.
TMZ says that living legend Patti LaBelle was performing in Vancouver last night, and she invited a few fans on stage to bump and grind during “Lady Marmalade.” Sadly, Patti’s security team didn’t exactly screen said fans well enough, because Patti found herself face to face with an aspiring stripper. Patti has professionalism pumping through her veins, so instead of throwing a handful of crumpled up $1 bills at him, she stopped her band, hissed “Don’t you dare“, and laid into his ass. She also came for Nicki Minaj’s ass and Miley Cyrus’ barely-there ass. Patti came for everybody, because Patti LaBelle is NOT here for anybody’s trashy hobag stripper antics!
“Or that little…um…Miley….” Well??? That little what? Hussy? It was totally hussy, wasn’t it Patti?
I absolutely loved it when that dude pretended to flash his ass at Patti and she hollered “Get off of my god-darned stage, BITCH!” It’s like she knew she was in Canada, so she tried to keep it polite by saying “darned“, but then her heart stepped in and reminded her that Patti LaBelle keeps it real, thus giving us that epic “BITCH” at the end.
The only thing I don’t get is Patti’s comment about stripper dude being brought to her by The Devil (at least that’s what I got from it). Is she trying to say that Hell is filled with strippers who bust it out to “Lady Marmalade“? Patti, I don’t know – that sounds more like Heaven to me.
I’m just going to pretend that shirt says “FART,” because I’d like to believe that Neil Young matches his facial expressions to his tees.
Before angry anal wart Donald Trump officially announced that he’s going for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential race, he made a grand entrance on an escalator to Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” as his maybe bought-and-paid-for supporters cheered him on. If you haven’t already seen it and care about this mess, you can watch Trump’s hilarious escalator entrance in the beginning of the video below. While watching it, I almost said, “Please malfunction, please malfunction,” out loud, but I stopped myself, because I don’t want to wish any harm upon delicate gold digging rose Melania Trump.
Since Donald Trump is a 13-year-old girl trapped in a spoiled ham, he’s always going off on the h8rs on Twitter, so I expected his entrance song to be Hilary Duff’s “Haters.” But he went with a Neil Young song and Neil Young was pissed about it. Neil’s manager let Jabba the Hutt’s used cum rag know to keep “Rockin’ In The Free World” out of his campaign. Neil’s manager said in a statement that Donald Trump’s people never asked for permission to use the song and even if they did, Neil would’ve wet farted on their request, because he’s backing Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders.
“Donald Trump was not authorized to use ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ in his presidential candidacy announcement. Neil Young, a Canadian citizen, is a supporter of Bernie Sanders for president of the United States of America.”
Trump’s rep tells Variety that they paid for the legal right to use the song:
“Through a license agreement with ASCAP, Mr. Trump’s campaign paid for and obtained the legal right to use Neil Young’s recording of ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ at today’s event. Nevertheless, we won’t be using it again — there are plenty of songs to choose from. Despite Neil’s differing political views, Mr. Trump likes Neil very much.”
As Variety and everyone else points out, this isn’t the first time that a political candidate has been forced to change their campaign song after the maker of that song said, “Bitch, no.” It’s happened a hundred times before. As a serious business man you’d think that future president Fuckface Von Clownstick would do his research and go with another song. I mean, he should’ve rode down that grand escalator while the theme song to Bloopers & Practical Jokes played. It’s the perfect song, because Donald Trump claims he was friends with Dick Clark and it pretty much sums up his STUNT QUEEN-approved practical joke of a campaign.
If you’ve ever asked yourself the question “I wonder if anyone still has “Let It Go” from Frozen set as the incoming call ringtone on their cellphone?” the answer is yes, there is still one person, and it’s 78-year-old Senator Pat Roberts. Poppa Roberts forgot to turn his phone off during a committee hearing with Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, and so when a call came in, instead of giving him a case of the secret good feels by vibrating silently in his pocket, his phone started playing “Let It Go” loud enough for everyone to hear. Poppa Roberts quickly yanked his phone out of his pocket and turned it off before jokingly telling Tom Vilsack to “Just let it go, mister.”
Of course, because this shit happened on CSPAN or whatever, it was all recorded and he was outed as a hardcore Frozen fan. But before you go emailing Pat Roberts a link to BuzzFeed’s 10 Ways To Tell Whether You’re An Anna Or An Elsa (irrelevant – he’s totally an Olaf), his spokesperson says that the “Let It Go” ringtone is for his grandkids. He also tried to make a joke about it on Twitter. Then he closed the door to his office, lit a trash can fire, and burned his custom-made snow queen gown in an attempt to destroy the rest of the evidence.
Cellphones! Those shady bitches will take any opportunity to shame your ass, I swear. Once I had LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” set as my ringtone and my phone went off in the middle of a date. I swear I had set that shit to silent and removed the battery in my flip phone (oh lord, that might have been the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever admitted) just in case, and it still went off. No, there was no second date. Can you blame him?
I can tolerate Sarah Silverman and Chelsea Handler, and actually would love to party with them and live to tell. They both seem like that crazy fun bitch that will show you the best time of your life and bail right before you wake up in jail in a pile of someone else’s barf on the drunk tank floor. People has a video of them as Thelma and Louise and their tribute is cute and all, but.
BITCHES CAN WE TALK. You don’t touch Thelma & Louise unless you can bring it better and since there is no better, just don’t go there. Ever. Actually I think that’s the 28th amendment to the Constitution: Leave Thelma & Louise ALOOOOOOONE.
Gena Davis and Susan Sarandon, the original and only T&L, had this reaction when they saw the video:
So basically Sara And Chelsea can choose from “WHAT NOW BITCHES” and “NO”. But thanks for playing! And call me but first, call a bail bondsman.
Usually whenever someone famous dies, I have to cycle throughout the rolodex in my brain to see if I can come up with a match. Nine times out of ten I’m unable to do it; most of my memories have been replaced with Malibu from American Gladiators. But when I heard that Mickey Rooney had passed away on Sunday, my brain knew exactly who he was because he held a permanent place in my heart as Milhouse’s replacement in the Radioactive Man movie on The Simpsons. Unfortunately, there must not be a lot of die-hard Milhouse fans in the news world, because Jimmy Kimmel has compiled a video of multiple news anchors confusing Mickey Rooney for another very old papaw, 60 Minutes’s Andy Rooney.
Mickey Rooney became famous for playing a character named “Andy Hardy”, so it seems like a simple mistake. Except for the fact that Andy Rooney flew up to Heaven on the wings of his beautiful eyebrows in 2011 and was a broadcast legend, so you’d think that 99.999% of news anchors would know who the fuck Andy Rooney was. Franky, I’m more shocked that there’s this many people breaking confusing Mickey Rooney with Andy Rooney, and not Mickey Rourke. I had to practically type in MICKEY GOD DAMN ROONEY into my phone because it kept autocorrecting to Mickey Rourke (I don’t know if that says more about me or my phone).
And you know those mistake-making CBS news anchors have it the worst, because you know Andy’s grumpy pepaw ghost knows how to hold a grudge and he’s haunting the shit out of them in the newsroom as we speak.
Board up your doors and lock up your Werthers; a zombie papaw walks among us and if you live in the Lexington, MS area, he could be coming for you and/or your La-Z-Boy recliner next! In a story ripped straight from my non-Kardashian nightmares, Radar brings us the spooky take of Walter “Snowball” Williams, a man who woke up in his own body bag in the morgue. Please tell me I’m not the only one who just got the panicky claustrophobia sweats.
On Wednesday night, a coroner declared 78-year-old Snowball Williams legally dead after showing no signs of a pulse. He was then zipped up in a body bag and shipped off to Porter and Sons Funeral Home where he would be embalmed the following morning. I guess Snowball Williams still had some canasta to play or a hot date with a sexy quilter, because he came back to life and started kicking at the inside of his body bag in an attempt to escape. He was discovered alive and awake the next morning by funeral home employees, who no doubt had to run home and change after shitting their pants out of fear.
At first the coroner’s explanation for Snowball’s return (that’s the name of the zombie movie based on this story) was that it was a miracle. But since this isn’t 1873, the coroner later did some research and amended his story to include Snowball’s glitchy pacemaker. Let this be a lesson to all of us; never buy your pacemaker from a place like Dr. Discount’s Medical Supply Outlet, or you’ll wind up screaming “No!! I’m not dead! My $19 pacemaker fucked up again!” as you try to kick your way out of your own body bag.