The Crown people need to stop whatever they’re doing and immediately start shooting the current day royal years, because I really want to sit back with a cup of gin on the rocks (in honor of THE QUEEN) and get into the 100% factual scene where Meghan Markle (played by Duchess Meghan) and THE QUEEN (played by Imelda Staunton in older lady drag) tussle over a tiara as a Corgi bites at Meghan’s ankle and Prince Philip referees.
The New York Times of England known as The Sun says that THE QUEEN had to tell Prince Hot Ginge to check his ho (those are the exact words THE QUEEN used) when Meghan got mad about not being able to wear her first choice for a tiara on her wedding day. Who knew that Samantha Markle was the new editor-in-chief of The Sun? Congrats on getting an actual job, Sammy!
The list of celebrities whose houses have been broken into is long and gets longer with each passing day. Just in the past couple of months, Christina Milian, Chrissy Metz, Yasiel Puig, Rihanna, and Brandi Glanville have all been hit up. Many of them were hit up by a teenage bling ring. In Hollywood, even the criminal rings get rebooted. Most of those robberies ended with the famous type losing lots of expensive shit, but on Saturday night, the only thing the criminal left with was an almost heart attack from fucking with Mr. Feeny! 91-year-old William Daniels, who played Mr. Feeny in Boy Meets World, Dr. Mark Craig in St. Elsewhere, Dustin Hoffman’s dad in The Graduate, and the voice of KITT in Knight Rider, scared off an intruder who was trying to get into his house.
If the thought of Mr. Feeny loosening his tie and pushing up his blazer sleeves to punch an evil thief in the throat has made your day and you want to keep it that way, stop reading and believe what you want to believe. But if you want to read the not-as-exciting truth of what happened, keep on.
What you are looking at is a picture taken during the Wacken Open Air metal festival in Germany. What you don’t see is the two elderly German metalheads who broke away from their nursing home and went to Wacken to party as hard as their old bones could handle. The two Costco-brawling seniors could really learn a lesson in friendship from these two German seniors. Why fight over something as inconsequential as cheese samples when you could instead team up for an epic adventure of daring escape and Danzig?
Finally, a story that will lift your soul high and carry you into Saturday night on a cloud of YAASSSSSS.
TMZ says that living legend Patti LaBelle was performing in Vancouver last night, and she invited a few fans on stage to bump and grind during “Lady Marmalade.” Sadly, Patti’s security team didn’t exactly screen said fans well enough, because Patti found herself face to face with an aspiring stripper. Patti has professionalism pumping through her veins, so instead of throwing a handful of crumpled up $1 bills at him, she stopped her band, hissed “Don’t you dare“, and laid into his ass. She also came for Nicki Minaj’s ass and Miley Cyrus’ barely-there ass. Patti came for everybody, because Patti LaBelle is NOT here for anybody’s trashy hobag stripper antics!
“Or that little…um…Miley….” Well??? That little what? Hussy? It was totally hussy, wasn’t it Patti?
I absolutely loved it when that dude pretended to flash his ass at Patti and she hollered “Get off of my god-darned stage, BITCH!” It’s like she knew she was in Canada, so she tried to keep it polite by saying “darned“, but then her heart stepped in and reminded her that Patti LaBelle keeps it real, thus giving us that epic “BITCH” at the end.
The only thing I don’t get is Patti’s comment about stripper dude being brought to her by The Devil (at least that’s what I got from it). Is she trying to say that Hell is filled with strippers who bust it out to “Lady Marmalade“? Patti, I don’t know – that sounds more like Heaven to me.
I’m just going to pretend that shirt says “FART,” because I’d like to believe that Neil Young matches his facial expressions to his tees.
Before angry anal wart Donald Trump officially announced that he’s going for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential race, he made a grand entrance on an escalator to Neil Young’s “Rockin’ In The Free World” as his maybe bought-and-paid-for supporters cheered him on. If you haven’t already seen it and care about this mess, you can watch Trump’s hilarious escalator entrance in the beginning of the video below. While watching it, I almost said, “Please malfunction, please malfunction,” out loud, but I stopped myself, because I don’t want to wish any harm upon delicate gold digging rose Melania Trump.
Since Donald Trump is a 13-year-old girl trapped in a spoiled ham, he’s always going off on the h8rs on Twitter, so I expected his entrance song to be Hilary Duff’s “Haters.” But he went with a Neil Young song and Neil Young was pissed about it. Neil’s manager let Jabba the Hutt’s used cum rag know to keep “Rockin’ In The Free World” out of his campaign. Neil’s manager said in a statement that Donald Trump’s people never asked for permission to use the song and even if they did, Neil would’ve wet farted on their request, because he’s backing Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders.
“Donald Trump was not authorized to use ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ in his presidential candidacy announcement. Neil Young, a Canadian citizen, is a supporter of Bernie Sanders for president of the United States of America.”
Trump’s rep tells Variety that they paid for the legal right to use the song:
“Through a license agreement with ASCAP, Mr. Trump’s campaign paid for and obtained the legal right to use Neil Young’s recording of ‘Rockin’ in the Free World’ at today’s event. Nevertheless, we won’t be using it again — there are plenty of songs to choose from. Despite Neil’s differing political views, Mr. Trump likes Neil very much.”
As Variety and everyone else points out, this isn’t the first time that a political candidate has been forced to change their campaign song after the maker of that song said, “Bitch, no.” It’s happened a hundred times before. As a serious business man you’d think that future president Fuckface Von Clownstick would do his research and go with another song. I mean, he should’ve rode down that grand escalator while the theme song to Bloopers & Practical Jokes played. It’s the perfect song, because Donald Trump claims he was friends with Dick Clark and it pretty much sums up his STUNT QUEEN-approved practical joke of a campaign.
If you’ve ever asked yourself the question “I wonder if anyone still has “Let It Go” from Frozen set as the incoming call ringtone on their cellphone?” the answer is yes, there is still one person, and it’s 78-year-old Senator Pat Roberts. Poppa Roberts forgot to turn his phone off during a committee hearing with Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, and so when a call came in, instead of giving him a case of the secret good feels by vibrating silently in his pocket, his phone started playing “Let It Go” loud enough for everyone to hear. Poppa Roberts quickly yanked his phone out of his pocket and turned it off before jokingly telling Tom Vilsack to “Just let it go, mister.”
Of course, because this shit happened on CSPAN or whatever, it was all recorded and he was outed as a hardcore Frozen fan. But before you go emailing Pat Roberts a link to BuzzFeed’s 10 Ways To Tell Whether You’re An Anna Or An Elsa (irrelevant – he’s totally an Olaf), his spokesperson says that the “Let It Go” ringtone is for his grandkids. He also tried to make a joke about it on Twitter. Then he closed the door to his office, lit a trash can fire, and burned his custom-made snow queen gown in an attempt to destroy the rest of the evidence.
Cellphones! Those shady bitches will take any opportunity to shame your ass, I swear. Once I had LMFAO’s “Party Rock Anthem” set as my ringtone and my phone went off in the middle of a date. I swear I had set that shit to silent and removed the battery in my flip phone (oh lord, that might have been the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever admitted) just in case, and it still went off. No, there was no second date. Can you blame him?