Donny Deutsch? Really, Michael K.?

Um. This morning Michael K. (who, even while sunning his whore ass in Hawaii, still keeps an eye on the blog because he loves you guys and also because he knows I’m an idiot who insists on shutting down the blog every time I guest by not remembering to resize photos. Thank fuck that he has Sweetas around) called my attention to a photoset featuring a dude named Donny Deutsch. And he mentioned that he would do him. Do that Deutsch proper. How quickly our b-hole turns! And he didn’t know why. I had no clue who Mr. Deutsch was, except that I was delighting in pronouncing his name as “Douche” as I took a peek at the pics. But now I understand Michael K.’s disgust with himself. The fuck? I knew he wasn’t discerning about what dirty dicks he rides, but isn’t that my friend’s greasy parent who tried to molest me when he saw me in my bikini by the pool during my high school graduation party? I look fiery hot in my ‘kini but still! Beat it, Pops!

Michael K. wants to get on that guy! He wants to put his face really close to those shorts so he can read exactly what they say. Real close. Close enough to breathe on his peen and possibly get screwdriver splashes on his head. There’s addiction to dick, but then there’s ADDICTION TO DICK. You don’t want to get with an flaccid oldster who looks like he’s got explosive diarrhea and is desperately searching for a dune to shit behind.

But maybe I’m missing something glorious down there in Miami Beach. That thickset ho he was chatting up seems into it. In fact, after he fled to find that dune, she quickly phoned a friend to talk about the steely fox who lucked upon her and smelled of Polo cologne and Rogaine. She was so turned on by her sensual encounter with his sleeveless majesty that she’s sucking on her thumb and imagining it’s Deutsch peen.

I figured it out, though. This dude had a finance show, was a judge on The Apprentice and owns a 40 million dollar house in NYC and a 29 million dollar one in East Hampton. Michael K.’s b-hole lights right the fuck up when there’s gold to be sucked up into it. #getmidlifecrisisdudemoneybitch