Actually, I should change that. Usually an exorcist is the person you call when a loved one is haunted by the supernatural and is talking all kinds of nonsense. Jenny McCarthy, on the other hand, has been known to say some crazy things without the aid of a demon possession. This situation might actually just call for regular, old Ghostbusters.
Tom Brady fans probably came up with a million ways to convince themselves that last Sunday’s Super Bowl loss wasn’t Tom Brady’s fault. Tom accidentally ingested a strawberry and it made him temporarily forget what a football was, maybe. According to USA Today, Gisele’s reported explanation to her kids was that the Eagles hadn’t won “in a million years” and that sometimes you have to “let someone else win” because “sharing is caring.” Gisele says she didn’t mean it like that.
Pictured: Mariah Carey being mortified in Aspen.
It’s been a little over three days since 2016 ended with a BANG, which was the sound that was made when Mimi threw her microphone at a tech person’s head backstage after doing a reboot of Britney Spears’ 2007 VMAs performance. We’re still talking about it, because it’s either talk about that or think about Doomsday on January 20th.
After Mimi made 2016 a teensy bit better with her disastrous performance, she shrugged on Twitter by saying, “Shit happens.” Mimi had more words to say later and told Entertainment Weekly that if Dick Clark was still alive, he’d be on her side. But Our Lady of Measles, Jenny McCarthy, thinks that if Dick Clark was still alive, he’d be on their side.
Jenny McCarthy and Donnie Wahlberg, seen above looking like an auto show girl-turned-aspiring pop singer and her manager/boyfriend/Hard Rock Cafe enthuriast, recently made an appearance on Howard Stern’s SiriuXM radio show, and of course they started talking about Jenny’s old job at The View. Since the most contagious virus you can catch from having unprotected sex with Jenny McCarthy is bullshititis, Donnie burped up some “Sure, Jan” story about how shortly after Rosie O’Donnell filed her walking papers, The View called up his wife and begged her to come back.
“She’s very gracious about The View, and I will say, I told her the day that she left, I said, ‘They’re gonna ask you back within six months.’ And she won’t say it, but they did. Not officially, but they did.”
That’s when Jenny elaborated on Donnie’s story by adding:
“One of the producers called and said, would I ever consider it? And I said, ‘No, thank you’ because I couldn’t be me! You know — you called it from the start. I couldn’t be myself.”
Remember from 3 seconds ago that thing Donnie said about Jenny being very gracious about The View? I guess Donnie’s definition of gracious includes the words “acting like a shady bitch“, because when asked about the future of The View, Jenny ripped the following stinky poo whisper in their direction:
“They might try one more year and then I think the Titanic might go down.”
I guess that would make Jenny one of the rats who jumped off the ship? No! That doesn’t make any sense – the rats chose to jump, whereas Jenny McCarthy was pretty much pushed. It’s also highly offensive to rats. I’m sorry Remy!
After being married for all of two months, Us Weekly says that vaccination expert and former shoe model Jenny McCarthy and the poor soul legally bound to her in desperate attention-seeking fuckery Donnie Wahlberg (seen above in a rare moment where they’re not completely slobbering all over each other) have decided to pimp out their relationship for reality television. I know, I’m shocked that it took this long too!
America’s Slutty Fart and Mahky Mahk’s brother will star in a 10-episode “docu-series” called Donnie Loves Jenny that will air sometime in early 2015 on A&E. Jenny and Donnie, who are co-producers of Donnie Loves Jenny, said this about Jenny’s latest cling to relevancy:
“Not only have we found a new home together, we have found the perfect place for our exciting new projects to live with A&E Network. We’re so excited about this deal and look forward to a long and successful relationship creating entertaining and provocative unscripted programming with our partners at A&E. Our feeling is, who better to make our first show for the network about than about us? We love working together and with our crazy schedules this gives us the chance to both work and play together.”
Donnie and Jenny have truly hit the A&E jackpot, because Donnie Loves Jenny will spawn at least a couple future spin-offs! First comes Donnie Loves Jenny, then Donnie’s Starting To Get Real Tired Of Jenny’s Shit, followed by Donnie Realizes He’s Made A Terrible Mistake, which leads us to Donnie Hates Jenny, Marky Said This Would Happen, and Donnie Files For Divorce. Then in 2016, Jenny can campaign for her own Jenny-centric series: Jenny Loves Attention.
Esteemed scientist and voice of reason Jenny McCarthy once said that when she first hung out with Donnie Wahlberg she thought he was gay because he didn’t try to bone her right away. Donnie didn’t wet hump her right away because he wanted to get up to date on his shots, obviously. But when they finally did sex, she was so hypnotized by the beauty of his beautiful beautiful dick. On Watch What Happens Live (via E!) last night, a “caller” called in to ask the question we all ask ourselves before we go to sleep and when we wake up in the morning: “How has sex changed with Donnie?” Before we get into the answer that Jenny burped up, you know the “caller” was calling from the green room, because it was Jenny’s assistant who was forced to ask this question, because she wanted to let everyone know that she and Donnie’s fuck time fun is so powerful and amazing that it can cure autism.
Jenny used the question to tell us how beautiful Donnie’s dick is:
“Without a doubt, it gets better every single time I make love to him. First of all, he has the most beautiful penis I’ve ever seen in my life. But you know what it is, he knows how to [use it],”
Fellow guest Tom Bergeron needed a better visual, so he asked Jenny what she means by “beautiful” and she continued to spit up more TMIness:
“Sometimes they’re deformed-looking and sometimes they’re a different color that you’re not used to. Some are, like, purple. Some are pink. The size is perfect. I can’t get too descriptive. But, you know what I mean! It fits my vagina perfectly and hits the spots right. But the thing about it is…he makes love to a woman.”
So many “battering ram down a hallway” jokes, so little time.
But really, deformed dicks? The hell kind of CDC hall of fame dick has she had? I wonder if the peens were deformed before or after sexing Jenny? If they looked like that after, she can’t blame them. They obviously got deformed and sick-looking because they caught whooping cough and the mumps from her chocha.