The Glamour Ghouls Of The Met Ball

I know. I know. It’s Met Ball bukkake on Dlisted today, but this is hopefully my last post on this mess and I’m going out on a terrifying note by giving you things that do bumps in the night. While human hos at the ball sipped on calorie-free champagne, these vampires, zombies, charbroiled trolls and grandma witches sipped on calorie-free carbonated souls. If you put your ear to the screen, you can practically hear the screeches from a pristine young virgin running naked through the halls of the Met as these scary bitches chase after her. Where was Scooby-Doo and the rest of the Mystery, Inc. gang when hos needed them most?

Grab your crucifix, put your garlic bulb anal chain around your neck and get close to the Royal Court of the Death Eaters. In order: Mary-Kate Olsen (looking like the Snow White witch after the dwarves dropped that boulder on her), Anna Wintour, Ronnie Wood (with his toddler-aged girlfriend), Sarah Jessica Parker with Tan Mom’s skin idol Valentino, Donatella Versace, Chupa Zoe and Lana Del Taco.

Donatella Versace Does Not Want You Size 6 Heffas Wearing Versace

The New York Daily News (via THR) planned to do a picture spread featuring non-models wearing some of the hideous tacky shit from Versace’s collection for H&M, but that idea was crushed into fine powder and snorted up by Donatella Versace after she refused to let size 6 fatties represent the Versace brand. That’s right. If you want to be photographed wearing a skirt that looks like it was made from the curtains of a HoJo’s in Boca, your body better be thinner than my will to live when I stare at Donatella’s Shroud of Turd face for too long.

The NYDN says that when they presented the idea of showing off the collection on the size 0 to 6 bodies of New York types, H&M told them to hold that thought, because they had to get Versace’s permission first. H&M didn’t think Donatella would approve it since she’s made it clear that she doesn’t want “real women” modeling the collection. The NYDN sent H&M pictures of the women they wanted to use. H&M was right, because Donatella declared that all but one of the women didn’t fit “Versace’s branding.”

You’d think that Donatella would bend her cunt rules a bit since: 1) Her daughter Allegra has suffered from anorexia for years; and 2) Ugly hos, fat hos, skinny hos, pretty hos and all of the other kinds of hos shop at H&M. But Donatella has a reputation as a nightmare-hearted cretin to uphold.

If Donatella let non-skinny people with non-alien faces wear Verace in a photo shoot, Kunty Karl would banish her from the Death Eaters’ lair forever. Then Donatella would be so upset that she’d eat actual food instead of human souls and she’d eventually turn into a normal person whose heart beats and who thinks reasonable thoughts. We don’t want this! Cunts like Donatella make our world go round.

Oh, and is Donatella wearing brown lip liner in that picture or did the person who anal bleaches her mouth miss a spot? If it’s brown lip liner, ten glamour points for Donatella. If it’s her anal bleachers’ fault, KILL HIM!

JLo, Kindly Take Five Steps To Your Left

The noun “glamour” and the name “JLo” go together like Skeletor and solid foods, but Glamour Magazine still defied logic by naming her as one of their Women of the Year in some ceremony at Carnegie Hall in NYC last night. They gave her an ugly trophy that looks like a Target logo orgy and asked her to pose with the Claymation goddess who designed the dress she wore last night. WRONG MOVE.

On her own, JLo mugs the camera like the lens is an extra hung Q-tip and she’s a Botoxed Siamese cat in heat. But when you put JLo next to the exquisitely crafted Donatella Versace, her face falls into a state of natural demureness. Bitch looks so “made from the earth” next to Donatella. And we all know that natural is out for 2011! So JLo needs to follow the exit signs and let the glorious Candy Kong Muppet take in all the camera clicks.

JLo also needs to hand Donatella that trophy, because glamour IS a woman who is put together with Silly Putty and whose jowls tells us that she mines for diamonds with her mouth on the weekends. Fall back, JLo! Actually, JLo probably did fall back when she let go of Donatella and down came that bobble head toward her.