Lately, Jared Leto has been looking like the pure definition of a fashion victim, and at The Fashion Awards 2016 in London last night, he turned it all the way up. If Jared and his stylist were going for “Willy Wonka after getting a bootleg Beatles haircut and dye job and moving to The Valley to become a sleazy porn producer,” they nailed it hard. That Gucci’d out ensemble just screams, “I’m going to make you a STAH, baby, now let’s go back to my place to sign the contracts….” Trick looks like the orgy baby that every character in Boogie Nights made together.
Well, I guess if you’re going to look like Liberace as seen through the eyes of Terry Richardson, a fashion awards show is the place to do it. And Jared Leto, who is becoming a Fighting The Hot Grand Champion, must’ve gotten sick of hos throwing their coochies and assholes at him all the time, so he turned himself into a walking boner killer by getting a janky bowl cut that looks like it was done with safety scissors. That’ll do it!
Here’s a million more pictures from The Fashion Awards. Come for David Gandy (“You can say that again.” – your genitals) and stay for Donatella Versace serving up Solid Gold Muppet sexiness.
When it was announced last month that the third season of American Crime Story would focus on the murder of Gianni Versace, Michael, myself, and everyone else pleaded with the television gods to spare us from Lady Gaga as Donatella Versace. Either the prayer reception up in Television Heaven isn’t too good or A-list Donatella impersonator Miss Fame was busy with a prior commitment, because Gaga is reportedly a done deal.
The second season of American Crime Story hasn’t even started filming yet, but FX has already ordered and fast-tracked a third season, which will be all about insane serial killer Andrew Cunanan and Gianni Versace’s murder in 1997. Somewhere in the Scientology Celebrity Centre bathhouse, John Travolta busted out of his private massage room and ran off to work on his Italian accent and search his closet for Versace silk shirts from the 90s.
“Face, face, work it, sell it. It’s that time of the month and there isn’t a tampon big enough to handle all this fierce mythological leakage” is what I assume was running through Jennifer Lopez’s brain while she was posing for her life. I know, that was redundant – JLo is always posing for her life. But last night she was working her sexy cat face hard, because it’s the only trick she had left to draw any attention away from that blood-barfing dragon thing on her dress.
I know it’s probably supposed to be fire, but let’s be honest with ourselves – it looks like blood. Either that, or that dragon ate too many Twizzlers during a red wine bender and is heaving them all up. Regardless, I can definitely see some Game of Thrones-obsessed boyfriend trying to recreate this dress for his girlfriend using a beige body stocking and $200 worth of sequins and stick-on gemstones from Hobby Lobby. “It appears your dress has lit my loins on fire, m’lady.”
Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe that dragon is trying to yank the attention away from JLo’s killer body-oddy-oddy. For real, where is she hiding her Spanx? She’s not wearing any, you say? Oh, cool (loud shame weeping).
Here’s more of JLo, as well as Donatella Verrr-SOH-chee, who was dressed in some kind of weird black and red fishnet…sticker book…thing, and a bunch of other famous types in red dresses. Oh, and also Sienna Miller in what appears to be a child’s sized tuxedo with no shirt.
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
Usually Christina Hendricks uses scaffolding, two tire jacks and five rolls of duct tape to hike her magnificent chichis all the way past her face until they’re touching her eyebrows. But at Vanity Fair’s Oscar party last night, her Mount Everest titty balls weren’t suffocating and they weren’t touching God’s feet and hos probably said to her, “So that’s what your face looks like, bitch!”
Christina Hendricks’ chichi domes look magnificent when they’re squeezed up to the roof of heaven or when they look like two extra large mounds of uncooked sourdough cooling on a rack (see: above), but what in Mrs. Roper’s cleaning dress HELL is that on her body?! When I was in the 4th grade, I had a friend whose mom didn’t have money to buy her a Halloween costume, so I helped her make a witch costume using a nun’s gown I wore the year before (yes, I was a nun for Halloween in the 3rd grade, don’t ask how much shit I got for that), a black curtain panel from Ikea and black construction paper. My friend’s costume cost zero dollars, was busted as fuck and was made by two brats whose hands were shaking from eating too much candy and it still looked more luxurious and fashion forward than that shit Christina wore. That dress looks like something Endora would wear to the funeral of a whore she hated. It looks like something from the American Horror Story: Coven collection at Dress Barn.
With all that being said, Christina Hendricks, hausfrau in mourning dress and all, was still the hottest look at that VF party (no, it wasn’t), because mostly everybody else (just Kate Beckinsale) looked like the last place loser at the Miss Bolivia 1993 pageant.
When you think of Donatella Versace it’s probably because you’re watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame or eating a bowl of charbroiled sausage coins and spaghetti, but that’s besides the point. When you think of Donatella Versace, you automatically think of the question, “What is the secret to her looking like Iggy Pop’s torso in a white blond weave?” You must share a brain with The Telegraph’s Lisa Armstrong, because she thought the same thing. During interviews with The Telegraph and WWD (via Fashionista), Donatella, seen below at Madge’s concert in Milan, told them that she stays young from cutting down on cigarettes, sleeping in a chilled meat locker and injecting her beautiful Play-Doh mug with Botox.
On how she keeps her face fresh so the Health Republic of Italy doesn’t recall it:
At 57, she looks astonishing. “How do I keep young?” she growls in a dust-bowl of an accent so thick it sometimes requires subtitles. “Haven’t you heard? I sleep every night in the deep freezer!”
On how she keeps the Botox needle away from her labia:
And in truth, she can look a bit fearsome. But to know her even a little is to understand that 70 per cent of her armour – the flaxen, waist-length extensions, the fake lashes, the Botox (“only on my face, not on my body, that’s the result of hard work”) and stormy expressions – is a front she has been cultivating ever since, aged 11, her big brother Gianni goaded her to peroxide her hair.
I see the Death Eaters pin-up ghoul wants to keep all her beauty secrets to herself. I get it. I mean, Botox, exercise and sleeping in a freezer? That’s shit only simple mortals do. Most of us know that Donatella keeps herself young by lacing her cigarettes with the fear of skinny children, sleeping in a vacuum sealed coffin and going down to the studio that makes Wallace & Gromit every other week to get her clay face re-molded. But don’t worry, Donatella, your beauty secrets are safe with us.
And Donatella also had something to say about feminism:
“Feminism is dead in the world. It comes from another time. I’m a feminist. I want to fight, but I don’t see many people with this desire to fight for something. Women don’t help each other, especially in fashion. I know Miuccia [Prada]… but that’s it. Nobody else.”
I think what Donatella meant to say is that feminism is dead, because there’s just way too many fat bitches in the world and it’s really, really hard for her to look at a fat woman let alone help one!