Donatella Versace may be my pick for best dressed mess at last night’s Meth Gala and that’s only because sources (that only exist in my head) tell me that she trolled the shit out of the KarJenners.
Because Anna Wintour will invite any ole’ trick with 10 million Instagram followers or more to the Met Gala, Kylie Jenner went again and looked like the low-tide baby of Draco Malfoy and Travis The Singing Trout who got caught in a barf-colored fishermen’s net. Donatella Versace is partly responsible for that busted look since she designed the dress, but that’s not the trolling I’m talking about. I’m talking about Donatella posing next to Kim Kartrashian’s fame whore apparent while looking like a really glamorous piss stream.
The original Kim Kartrashian was there last night, so I’m surprised that her packing peanuts-stuffed ass didn’t act on instinct and immediately rub themselves against Donatella’s golden showers gown. My only complaint about Donatella’s stunning sopissticated look is that she didn’t finish it off with a boomerang fascinator on her head. Then she’d really look like piss coming out of Ray-J’s boomerang dick. Next time, Donatella. Next time!
I don’t whether to scream out a million FUCK YESes over Lady Gaga not getting cast as plastic orchid Donatella Versace, or scream out a million NOOOOOOooos over La Bruja from Real Housewives of Miami getting shamelessly robbed of the role!
Ryan Murphy already made many breathe out a giant sigh of relief by saying that Lady Gaga is too busy to play Donatella Versace in the third season of American Crime Story, which is going to focus on the murder of Gianni Versace. Ryan said that they were in talks with an Oscar-winner to play Donatella and my guess was Charlize Theron. But FX announced today that the Oscar-winner who will throw on a wig of bleached straw, a melting rubber Muppet mask and a thick Italian accent to play Donatella will be Penelope Cruz.
TVLine says that filming for Versace: ACS will start next month. It will air sometime in 2018 after the second season of American Crime Story airs. The second season is about the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina and the fourth season is about the Monica Lewinsky and Bill Clinton sex escandalo.
Darren Criss is playing Andrew Cunanan and Edgar Ramirez will be Gianni Versace in Versace: ACS.
I don’t totally hate this and mainly because one of my favorite Penelope Cruz performances is when she played a gold digging coke whore in Blow. She wore a blond wig in that for a second. So maybe going blond again will bring out yet another magnificent performance from her.
And since I brought up Penelope Cruz’s highly riveting performance in Blow, here’s the scene that should’ve gotten her a thousand Oscars:
You know…. seeing Johnny Depp with that blond hair is making me say that his ass should’ve played Donatella!
Lately, Jared Leto has been looking like the pure definition of a fashion victim, and at The Fashion Awards 2016 in London last night, he turned it all the way up. If Jared and his stylist were going for “Willy Wonka after getting a bootleg Beatles haircut and dye job and moving to The Valley to become a sleazy porn producer,” they nailed it hard. That Gucci’d out ensemble just screams, “I’m going to make you a STAH, baby, now let’s go back to my place to sign the contracts….” Trick looks like the orgy baby that every character in Boogie Nights made together.
Well, I guess if you’re going to look like Liberace as seen through the eyes of Terry Richardson, a fashion awards show is the place to do it. And Jared Leto, who is becoming a Fighting The Hot Grand Champion, must’ve gotten sick of hos throwing their coochies and assholes at him all the time, so he turned himself into a walking boner killer by getting a janky bowl cut that looks like it was done with safety scissors. That’ll do it!
Here’s a million more pictures from The Fashion Awards. Come for David Gandy (“You can say that again.” – your genitals) and stay for Donatella Versace serving up Solid Gold Muppet sexiness.
When it was announced last month that the third season of American Crime Story would focus on the murder of Gianni Versace, Michael, myself, and everyone else pleaded with the television gods to spare us from Lady Gaga as Donatella Versace. Either the prayer reception up in Television Heaven isn’t too good or A-list Donatella impersonator Miss Fame was busy with a prior commitment, because Gaga is reportedly a done deal.
The second season of American Crime Story hasn’t even started filming yet, but FX has already ordered and fast-tracked a third season, which will be all about insane serial killer Andrew Cunanan and Gianni Versace’s murder in 1997. Somewhere in the Scientology Celebrity Centre bathhouse, John Travolta busted out of his private massage room and ran off to work on his Italian accent and search his closet for Versace silk shirts from the 90s.
“Face, face, work it, sell it. It’s that time of the month and there isn’t a tampon big enough to handle all this fierce mythological leakage” is what I assume was running through Jennifer Lopez’s brain while she was posing for her life. I know, that was redundant – JLo is always posing for her life. But last night she was working her sexy cat face hard, because it’s the only trick she had left to draw any attention away from that blood-barfing dragon thing on her dress.
I know it’s probably supposed to be fire, but let’s be honest with ourselves – it looks like blood. Either that, or that dragon ate too many Twizzlers during a red wine bender and is heaving them all up. Regardless, I can definitely see some Game of Thrones-obsessed boyfriend trying to recreate this dress for his girlfriend using a beige body stocking and $200 worth of sequins and stick-on gemstones from Hobby Lobby. “It appears your dress has lit my loins on fire, m’lady.”
Or maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe that dragon is trying to yank the attention away from JLo’s killer body-oddy-oddy. For real, where is she hiding her Spanx? She’s not wearing any, you say? Oh, cool (loud shame weeping).
Here’s more of JLo, as well as Donatella Verrr-SOH-chee, who was dressed in some kind of weird black and red fishnet…sticker book…thing, and a bunch of other famous types in red dresses. Oh, and also Sienna Miller in what appears to be a child’s sized tuxedo with no shirt.
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com