The inauguration of the United States’ future overlord Donald Trump is less than a month away and up until a couple of days ago, the only confirmed act to perform was America’s Got Talent runner-up Jackie Evancho who will sing the national anthem. Jackie’s sister is transgender, so maybe at the end of the national anthem she’ll sing, “Aaaaaaaand fuuuuuuck youuuuu Mike Peeeeeeence.” Probably.
Andrea Bocelli was confirmed to sing and then later it was confirmed that he would not sing. Elton John, Celine Dion, KISS and Garth Brooks all reportedly turned down offers. So it was looking like the inauguration talent line-up would only include Jackie Evancho, The Cries Of The People Choir, the squishy sound of Trump fapping over getting the nuclear codes and Ted Nugent (backed by Scott Baio on tambourine). But then yesterday it was announced that the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and the Rockettes will join the illustrious A-list lineup at the inauguration. Some Rockettes aren’t happy about that, but were told in so many words that if they don’t kick for Trump, they can kick their way to the back of the unemployment line.
After we learned this past week that both the CIA and the FBI believe that Russia interfered with the election to help Donald Trump win the White House, we’re ready for some cat tranquilizers!
We were also prepped for a Saturday Night Live sketch spoofing this whole sordid mess, which we got. In this era of fake news and the media inadvertently helping His Orange Badness win the presidency, the only news sources that people are actually paying attention to are SNL and that awful man’s tweets. At least one of them is intentionally funny.
In the sketch, Beck Bennett as Russia’s president Vladimir Putin comes tits out down the chimney to wish Trump a Merry Christmas. A crazy thin John Goodman shows up as Rex Tillerson (that’s the oil CEO that Trump chose for Secretary of State). In the sketch (as in life), he knows Vlad somewhat intimately. Broad strokes!
SNL also gifted us with Beck Bennett’s nipples. I didn’t mind that. Beck is kind of underrated in the nipples department. Look what this election has done! It’s rendered me pathetic and thirsty! I heard that, you in the back! No, I wasn’t already pathetic and thirsty (yeah, I was)! Nipples might be the only thing to get us through the next four years.
Watch SNL‘s latest Trump dig below.
The election and this post-election time has been such a scat show circus that the headline, “Scott Baio Claims Physical Attack by Chili Pepper’s Wife Over Trump,” didn’t even make me think about contorting my face into the “Que?” position. We’re living in a time when WTF stories are part of daily life.
Everyone knows that Scott Baio has been Donald Trump’s ride-or-die bitch since almost the beginning and his tongue has touched Trump’s prostate almost as many times as Chris Christie’s has. Scott even praised Trump at the Republican National Convention, and so because Chachi was the A-list celebrity face of the Trump campaign, someone who hates Trump saw him at a school event and let him know her thoughts. That someone was Nancy Mack, the architect wife of Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith.
Kanye West wasn’t the only PR prop who was paraded in front of reporters at Trump Tower yesterday. Anna Wintour, whose magazine Vogue endorsed Hillary Clinton and who helped HRC choose some of those pantsuits, also paid a visit to the gold tower to kiss the ring. If you didn’t think we were doomed before, then you must think that now since it looks like Donald Trump is using the dark powers of the Illuminati and the Death Eaters to take control over America, and then the world! Kunty Karl is probably sitting in the waiting room at Trump Tower as I type this….
And one second after Jabba the Trump stuck out his finger to say, “I’m with stupider,” Kanye’s hungry, hungry booty hole latched onto that thing before completely swallowing up that charred dildo in a baggy suit. If only….
TMZ says that Kanye West is back on his meds after allegedly having a mental breakdown, and last night he flew to NYC with his medical team and Pimp Mama Kris’ leased piece Corey Gamble to interview psychiatrists that can help him whenever he’s on the East Coast. Well, the meds are clearly sugar pills provided by Dr. PMK, because this morning, he met with a level 10 attention whore whose throbbing and pus-stuffed ego maaaaaaay be bigger than his. Giving Donald Trump a compliment gives me the wet shits, but I have to slow clap for him for creating a building that’s strong enough to hold in those two Mars-sized egos.
Well, of course he will. What better way to uphold the office of POTUS with dignity and respect than appear on season 15 of your own reality show? Former governor of California and secret family keeper Arnold Schwarzenegger is the new “you’re fired!” character on The Celebrity Apprentice.
People reports that, during a press conference to promote the new season, Arnold answered questions about the recent revelation that our President-elect Donald Trump will still be listed as “executive producer” of the show in the credits. This, of course, has everyone wondering if this is a conflict of interest like some of his other business ventures. Ahnuld (a reputed fellow “pussy-grabber” to Trump in his own right) thinks Trump might even appear as a “guest advisor.”