Dolly Parton Confirms That She, Jane Fonda And Lily Tomlin Will All Clock-In For The “9 to 5” Reboot
Had it up to here sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigots? You are not alone! The teased 9 to 5 reboot just got sanctified by my personal lord and savior, Dolly Parton. According to Vulture, Dolly, Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin have all agreed to reprise their roles in the upcoming film. Upon hearing this news, I screamed to my secretary to get his cute little ass in here with some napkins to wipe the shit eating grin on my face.
If you love the kind of grotesque imagery that will turn your stomach and haunt your dreams forever, then you’re no doubt a fan of Today’s annual Halloween costume parade of half-assed horrors. Obviously nothing will ever top the year they dropped nightmares all over your childhood by dressing up as a near-sighted serial killer’s idea of the Peanuts gang. This year the Today crew slipped into their best country-fied drag for a Grand Ole Opry-themed Halloween.
Besides the fact that she gets to regularly take in the luminous sight of the delicate sleeping raccoon on Billy Ray Cyrus’ head, the only thing that makes me jealous of Miley Cyrus is that her godmother is Dolly Parton. The only way Miley could have a greater godmother is if GOD herself (yes, I said herself) was her godmother.
Miley has growled out her godmother’s song Jolene so many times that Jolene should press charges against the trick for stalking, and Dolly is featured on the song Rainbowland from her new album Younger Now. Miley decided to take her love and obsession for her godmother to the next level by dressed up as Dolly on The Tonight Show last night.
Much like Wu-Tang Clan, Dolly Parton is for the children. Dolly will be releasing a new album this fall, and it’s a children’s album! This is exactly the tonic we need in these trying times. People reports:
At a Nashville press conference on Tuesday, the country superstar announced she will release a new album this fall, this one for kids. Her first-ever children’s album, titled I Believe in You, will be available digitally Sept. 29, and the physical album will hit stores worldwide on Oct. 13.
2016 has been nothing but a chunky diarrhea tsunami of shitty news, and it really hasn’t let up during the past 24 hours. There was the attack at Ohio State University, the plane crash in Colombia and the massive Tennessee wildfires that have eaten dozens of homes and businesses. And as all of that is going on, the un-drainable thrombosed hemorrhoid that us Americans will soon call our overlord has pretty much suggested that we rip up the Constitution by jailing or revoking the citizenship of anyone who burns the American flag. But back to the threat of another American institution….
Any Beyhive member will tell you that last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Beyonce Country Time Jamboree Extravaganza (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)! But to us Dollies, last night’s Country Music Awards was really The Dolly Tribute Spectacular (featuring some other tricks and awards, I guess, I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention)!