In a move that I’m sure has absolutely nothing to do with controlling the damage caused by last week’s PR nightmare, Ben Affleck has recently adopted a stray dog. Ben may have hands of cheap nickel, but he’s got a heart of pure gold.
I’m pretty clueless about Game of Thrones (that’s not an invitation to leak more information, hackers). But I’m aware of the direwolf cuteness on Game of Thrones. The direwolves on Game of Thrones, like Arya Stark’s Nymeria, are obviously played by huskies and not actual wolves. According to Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones has the same effect as 101 Dalmatians did in 1997; people are still getting pupnotized by the cuteness they seen on screen. But before you seek out a husky to recreate Game of Thrones at home, Peter is here to politely ask that you think twice about that.
Lena Dunham used to have a rescue dog named Lamby, and for a while he was the star of her Instagram. He was always getting into some kind of panty-chewing trouble and general canine urine mischief. Then Lamby got into some real trouble a couple years ago when he bit Lena in the ass and drew blood. Lamby wasn’t on Lena’s Instagram that much after that. That was over three years ago, and Lena came clean about where Lamby went. She claims Lamby was a very abused puppy and she just couldn’t handle his special needs. Except according to the Brooklyn dog rescue where she got Lamby, she’s lying.
It looks like we’re going to have to update the definition of the phrase “Excuse my beauty” twice today. Once for the pup on the left giving us demure cross-legged bashful arm candy, and once for the gorgeous BBP (big beautiful pooch) shamelessly showing off her pug goodies on the right.
This weekend, Clint Eastwood’s second ex-wife Dina Eastwood married the guy she left her rich pepaw husband for. And as you can see, it was an incredibly elegant affair. People says Dina and her new husband Scott Fisher got married in Santa Barbara, which I’m positive is where 98% of famous people get married. Instead of having human bridesmaids who might try to steal yo man or upstage your ass, Dina put two of her pugs, Morgy and Chica, in some very exquisite doggy gowns and let them lead her down the aisle. Morgy was actually the Maid of Honor.
One quick peek at Dina’s Instagram will tell you that she’s majorly into her pugs, so it’s not exactly a surprise that she would make them a part of her wedding. Sadly, Morgy and Chica broke Bridesmaid Rule #1 by totally upstaging the bride. Especially Chica (the chunkier one with her tongue and business hanging out). Chica is really giving Gary Fisher a run for his money in the scene-stealing dog department. Like, how are you supposed to compete for attention around a dog like Chica? You can’t. But I don’t think Chica does it on purpose; when you’re a perfect 10, it’s hard not to get noticed.
That picture above is perfect for many reasons. But I really love it because Morgy and Chica’s faces totally look like a version of the comedy/tragedy masks that represent the two main emotions of being at a wedding reception. Morgy (tragedy) is all “Ugh, where’s the bar“, and Chica (comedy) is all “LOL I FOUND IT!!”
Salma Hayek recently posted on Instagram about how her 9-year-old dog Mozart was found shot to death on her ranch in Washington State. I immediately screamed, “MURDER!” But it turns out that it was an accident and the investigation is closed.
The Seattle Times says a neighbor told investigators with the Thurston County Sheriff’s Office that he fired a pellet gun at Mozart Hayek because the dog was causing trouble. The neighbors say that Mozart attacked his two dogs so he fired a pellet gun to scare the dog off. It did a whole lot more than scare Mozart off. That pellet sent poor Mozart’s soul to heaven. The neighbor claims that he didn’t know that he shot Mozart. A vet said that a lead pellet hit one of Mozart’s arteries and he bled to death.
Salma wasn’t at her ranch at the time. A caretaker went for a horseback ride with a few of Salma’s dogs. When they got to the end of the road, the dogs, including Mozart, heard the sound of barking and ran toward the neighbor’s house. The caretaker didn’t go after them. The wife of the neighbor who shot Mozart said that he regularly used to go onto their property to fight with their dogs. Her husband finally had it and fired what he thought was a warning shot. She said that they’re very sorry that Mozart died.
“I’m still coming to terms with all of this, as you can imagine. We didn’t even know we killed a dog. To find out we killed a dog that belonged to a high profile person, I’m in shock. My heart is broken. I’m really sorry that the dog died.”
Investigators ruled the shooting as “justified,” but they still passed the case over to prosecutors who will review it.
So many questions. Why hasn’t Salma built a fence? Why did the caretaker just let the dogs go like that? Why didn’t the neighbor scare Mozart off in a harmless way like blast an LMFAO song at him? (Scratch that. That’s not harmless.)
I know that both of their ranches are probably many acres big, but this is definitely going to cause a whole lot of tension. My neighbor’s dog once pissed on my front door mat in front of me and I never stopped throwing them dirty looks. So I can’t even imagine the kind of looks Salma is going to throw at the neighbor who shot her dog.
Rest in peace again, Mozart.
I see that George and Amal Clooney are trying to be the Brangelina of shelter dogs. While some rich dumb fucks are spending the price of a really nice car (or a condo in Scottsdale) on a dog, George and Amal have given a luxurious home to a down-and-out soul in need. The San Gabriel Valley Humane Society (Shout out to the SGV!) says that George and Amal recently stopped in to adopt a 4-year-old Basset Hound mix they found on PetFinder. Earlier this month, Millie the Basset Hound was found scrounging for food scraps in front of a restaurant and now she’s living that opulent life in mansions and shit. The SGVHS said this on their site:
Today her luck changed for the better when she was adopted by George and Amal Clooney. They were searching for a basset hound and saw Millie’s picture on Petfinder.
They did a ‘meet and greet’ with her and spent time introducing her to their other rescue, a cocker spaniel named Louie. It was good news that Millie and Louie hit it off and the happy, new family headed home together! We hope Millie will stay in touch and send photos. Congratulations to the Clooney family and thank you for adopting!
If I would’ve known that George and Amal were looking to adopt a new dog, I would’ve slipped on a dog mask (“You don’t need a mask, bitch!” – you) and put an ad on Petfinder. Because the life IS lapping up Casawhatever tequila from a bowl on the terrace of a Lake Como villa while Amal is busy doing international law stuff and George is busy making commercials for Japanese beer brands. I wouldn’t even care if they trotted me out for a good old-fashioned photo-op. Speaking of, this is what’s happening in that picture:
Millie: “Noooooooooo! No pictures! No pictures!”
Louie: “Get used to it, bitch.”
Pic: SGV Humane Society