We had to learn “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” back in middle school typing class, but Australia is about to teach its typers-to-be “The lazy dog is just frontin’ cuz his owner is trying to cut playtime short!” 9 News down in Aussie-land caught a dog playing dead for a minute because its owner was trying to leave the park, and Fido wasn’t quite done. Lying there like a corpse can get you anything you desire! (“Don’t I know!” –Melania Trump)
The owner tries to extend its paw to get it to move, but that pooch is showing about as much life as an Olsen twin at Fashion Week. It isn’t until when the owner derobes the canine (aka takes off its collar) that it rises from the dead and prances out like an emancipated Duggar offspring to the cheers and cries of other parkgoers. That pup better realize how lucky he is to have such a nice parent! Back in my day, Mama C.J. would play the “1…2…2 ½ …” game when I would demand five more minutes in the ball pit at McDonalds. If she ever got to 2 ¾ , I knew there was going to be a McHell to pay!
Last month, human alpha dog Cesar Milan got in a bit of trouble with Los Angeles County Animal Control after a delinquent doggy named Simon snapped at the ear of a trainer pig and drew blood during an episode of Cesar 911. LA Animal Control received a lot of concerned calls regarding Simon’s caught-on-camera attempted pork roast and decided to investigate further to see if there was any evidence of animal cruelty.
However, both Cesar and National Geographic WILD (the channel that airs Cesar 911) maintained that no neglectful shit happened and the pig was fine. LA Animal Control obviously agrees, because the LA Times is reporting that after a month of investigating, they’ve decided not to change Cesar with animal cruelty. The deputy director of the LACAC released this statement about Bacongate:
“After a comprehensive investigation by our officers, we presented a very thorough and complete report to the District Attorney’s office and they were unable to find anything to charge Mr. Millan with. It’s a fair decision.”
Apparently they came to the decision to clear Cesar Millan after watching the video of Simon and Trainer Pig’s tussle several times, reading the vet reports, and speaking to everyone who appeared in the episode. Cesar also released a statement of his own to Page Six, but his had a little more of an “I told you so!” flare to it.
“I am pleased but not surprised by this news. Our animal handling procedures are safe and humane. Just like LA County Animal Control, my team and I are 100% dedicated to the proper care of all animals, including the farm pig in this case. The investigation spanned several weeks and case evidence – including a complete video of the incident and interviews with those on the scene – was presented to the LA District Attorney’s office for final review.
“I am continuing my work rescuing and rehabilitating even the most difficult problem dogs. Which has saved the lives of thousands of animals that otherwise would have been euthanized.”
Cesar has said since the beginning that Simon and Trainer Pig put whatever drama they had behind them and are now best friends. I wonder if Animal Control also investigated that, since that’s clearly the most suspicious part of this whole mess. I mean, everybody knows that nobody goes on a reality show to “make friends.”
Yesterday, Allison, brought us the harrowing tale of how Cesar Millan, dog whisperer, is being investigated by Los Angeles County Animal Control for possible counts of animal cruelty. The animal in question is a lil’ ol’ pig that a dog named Simon bit on an episode of his show, Cesar 911. Simon, le dog avec aggression, apparently lives on a nearby farm and has had issues with le pigs before so Cesar has been rehabilitating him. But, those reality TV hos got him on camera going in for a nibble on a pig ear.
Well this is turning out to be a real backwards week for reality TV stars. First greasy gob Josh Duggar has been released back into the world. Now NBC4 Los Angeles (via People) is saying that passionate pooch helper Cesar Millan, of Dog Whisperer with Cesar Millan and Cesar 911, is being investigated for animal cruelty. This is some Black Mirror shit.
Don’t worry, the dog is fine. Sure, he might suffer from chronic doggy lung damage after breathing in Justin Bieber’s douche fumes, but that has nothing to do with the two-storey fall off a balcony. But how did Justin Bieber’s dog end up being tossed over a balcony in the first place, you may be asking. According to TMZ, it all started a year ago when the human expired Go-Gurt tube and his father Jeremy adopted an American Bulldog puppy they named Karma. Yes, they gave their dog a stripper name. Would you expect anything less from these two dildos? Anyways, I guess Justin is still too little to take care of a puppy, so Karma went to live with Bieber Sr. in Canada. Because Justin is living proof that Jeremy is really good at raising things.
Once Karma moved up north, Jeremy hired a trainer to make sure the dog didn’t go all Cujo, but Karma was still a bit of a mess and he ended up biting one of Jeremy’s other kids, Jaxon. Karma’s trainer Trevor Dvernichuk says that’s when Jeremy allegedly grabbed Karma and threw him off a second storey balcony into a snowbank, hissing at Trevor to take the dog and not to bring him back till Karma is properly socialized.
The only problem (well, besides the fact that assholes are still allowed to own dogs) is that Trevor still has Karma and has been telling everyone that Justin and Jeremy pretty much abandoned his ass. However, Jeremy says Trevor stole Karma, and now he’s getting the police involved so he can get Karma back. Meanwhile in California, Karma’s other deadbeat daddy Justin Bieber is also dealing with the police, but it’s because somebody called the cops on him for being an obnoxious little shit on his skateboard.
Say it with me now: THIS FAMILY IS TRASH! Throwing a dog off a balcony? Hay-zoos, even Michael Vick is like “Errr…“. Although part of me thinks that Jeremy didn’t actually throw Karma off the balcony, but that Karma jumped to get away from those awful garbage people.
And I really hope that if Karma is returned to Jeremy, he lives up to his name and comes back to literally bite Jeremy in the ass.
I hear you saying to yourself, “But was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton… but was it Parasite Hilton…”
Anybody who watches the diamante-covered silicone turd that is The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills knows that Kim Richards’ pit bull, Kingsley (seen above screaming “HELP” with his Tiny eyes), is an absolute mess. Like owner, like dog, right? And I say that as the human of a chihuahua who does everything he does like nap for hours on end, sniff ass and twirl when he sees a piece of beef jerky. During one episode, Kim hired dog trainer David Utter to help her control Kingsley and when Kingsley came at him, he did the professional dog training move of trying to kick the dog in the head. (If you’re like me, then that sentence will make you want to watch You Kick My Dog again.) Cesar Milan calls that move the “not calm and not submissive move.”
Kim had a hard time controlling Kingsley, so it’s not exactly shocking that he attacked a human. Two days ago, the basic cable Demi Moore, Kyle Richards, Instagramm’d this picture of her and her daughters having a hospital room slumber party. Kyle said that her 18-year-old daughter Alexia was laid up in the hospital after getting attacked by a vicious dog, to which all of us said, “Okay, which one of those crazy bitches on the Real Housewives went too far this time and attacked a castmate’s child?”
TMZ says that Kingsley is the dog who mauled Alexia’s hand. Over the weekend, Kyle and her daughters were hanging out at Kim’s house when “out of nowhere” Kingsley went Cujo on Alexia. Kingsley bit Alexia’s finger to the bone and she had to have several surgeries. Animal Control was never called and Kingsley is still living at Kim’s house. Animal Services won’t do anything about the attack unless Alexia or another family member reports Kingsley. Kingsley apparently has a file with Animal Services, because he’s attacked several dogs and people including Kim’s friend who had to get attention from paramedics after he bit into her arm.
Never mind that Kim Richards shouldn’t own a half-broken Tamagotchi let alone a living and breathing pit bull, look at Kingsley’s surroundings. Kingsley is surrounded by a bunch of rabid, insane messes who constantly bark and go after each other. They all need to spend time in Victoria Stilwell’s dog training camp. I’m actually surprised that Andy Cohen hasn’t slapped a weave, a chunky rhinestone necklace and a silky blouse on Kingsley and made him a Real Housewife. I’d like to see Brandi Glanville accuse Kingsley of doing meth in the bathroom.