And it’s obvious that something is TOM BRADY!
In movies and most interviews, Ben Affleck makes a rock look like it’s full of complex emotions and feelings. But when you bring up Tom Brady and Tom Brady’s deflating balls, Ben Affleck comes alive and will let the raw emotions ooze out of every one of his pores. HBO’s new sports talk show Any Given Wednesday with Bill Simmons premiered last night, and the Botoxed Easter Island statue broke out of his stony exterior and stroked Tom Brady’s dick so hard that Tom is going to need a dick skin graft, because Ben stroked it all off.
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
Casey Affleck, an actor who you may know as Ben Affleck’s brother or Jimmy’s friend Russell from To Die For (probably the second one), is currently in a movie called Triple 9. And just like every actor trying to get asses in theater seats, Casey is hustling Triple 9 on the talk show circuit. The only problem is that it appears Casey would rather clean the crotch sweat stains out of his big brother’s Batman suit than have to make small talk about his movie to Stephen Colbert.
Casey was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, and you could feel the “I don’t want to be here” vibes right away. Casey looked like a hungover supply teacher (Note from Michael: That’s “substitute teacher” to us ‘Muricans) who is counting down the seconds till he can throw on a DVD full of Heritage Minutes and take a nap in his car. Or as Stephen Colbert observed, a “street corner Jesus.” Casey didn’t like Stephen’s comments about his clothes. But Stephen kept going, because he left all his fucks in his old office at Comedy Central.
Eventually Stephen moved on from Casey’s hobo Stu Pickles cosplay, but it didn’t get any less awkward. Behold, all five minutes and fifty-four seconds of Casey Affleck’s living nightmare.
“Those bitches stole our look!” hissed David Letterman and Madonna.
Who knows if Casey’s uncomfortable laughter and over-it silences were the result of his brain telling him he’s too good for this talk show or he was high on prescription-strength Fuckitol or that it was the Triple 9 PR team’s sneaky way of getting some publicity. But there are places out there that are a lot worse for an actor than The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Like The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Casey, being called a street corner Jesus is nothing compared to the humiliation of being in one of those Ew! sketches.
Kanye West Thinks He’s 50 Percent More Influential Than Picasso, And Other Bits Of Delusion From His SNL Tantrum
Kanye West threw a Kanye West-like fit right before his performance on Saturday Night Live last week, because the set wasn’t right. The crew had to rip out the floor, because it was too shiny and was causing weird effects on the video wall. Kanye wasn’t having it and almost walked off before Lorne Michaels talked him away from the edge and got him to perform. Well, Page Six somehow magically got a hold of the audio of Kanye bringing his Twitter rants to life by spitting out all sorts of crazy declarations of how he’s the most important thing to happen to this planet since oxygen.
Page Six said that Kanye cursed out SNL production staff, but TMZ was right on time, and heard from a source (Fun fact: “TMZ’s source” is Latin for Pimp Mama Kris) that he didn’t throw the fuck word at producers. He was venting backstage in front of his people and the producers weren’t around.
Here’s a few of the nuggets that Kanye’s mouth delivered, and yes, it’s gotten to the point where he’s coming for dead people and the apostles:
“That and Taylor Swift, fake ass.”
“Bro! By 50 Percent, Stanley Kubrick, Apostle Paul…Picasso… fucking Picasso and Escobar. By 50 percent more influential than any other human being.”
“Don’t fuck with me! By 50 percent, dead or alive. By 50 percent for the next thousand years. Stanley Kubrick, ye!”
“Fake ass.” I’m not saying he’s wrong, but that’s coming from the dude who married into a family of fake asses (and I mean that in more ways than one).
You know, if I didn’t know who spouted out that nonsensicalness, I’d probably think it was Donald Trump on coke.
UPDATE: Maybe Kanye knew that audio was coming, because he did have a moment of self-awareness today:
My number one enemy has been my ego… there is only one throne and that’s God's …
— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) February 17, 2016
I know I’m a thirsty bitch, but that tweet has got me thinking that I’m so dehydrated that I’m not seeing things right. That tweet must be a mirage.
And this goes without typing, but your thoughts about Kanye West’s latest Twitter rant of insanity are best expressed through the face that North West is making in that picture. (Side note: She’s probably really making that face because she can’t with her parents making her wear another jacket made out of Fizzgig’s slaughtered relatives.)
Ever since Kanye West has started promoting his new album, his Twitter page has really, really turned into “shit a schizophrenic homeless man screams about on a NYC subway train during rush hour on a Monday morning.” It’s always kind of been like that, but Kanye has taken it to new levels of crazy. Kanye klaimed on Twitter that he’s as broke as Pimp Mama Kris’ sense of dignity, because being the greatest artiste of all-time has put him in debt by as much as $53 million. And last night, he went on an insane Twitter rant that made us all say, “Hmmm, I didn’t know that Tila Tequila was Kanye West’s ghost tweeter.”
Kanye wants Mark Zuckerberg and all of the other tech richies in Silicone Valley to stop building schools in Africa and give him $1 billion to make art because he’s our modern day Walt Disney or something. Who cares about the needy children in Africa! What the world really needs is more leather jogging pants and overpriced ugly sneakers! At first I thought that Kanye panhandling on the Internet was PMK’s influence at work, but even she is more subtle with her schemes. Many of Kanye’s brain-melting tweets are after the cut. Part of me thinks he’s got a PhD in grand master trolling and is putting it to good use. The other part of me thinks that being locked up with those Kartrashians has made whatever is left of his sanity slide into a dark, scary place that strangely enough looks a lot like the space between Kim Kartrashian’s ass cheeks.
I only know the name Cam Newton, because I am a devoted follower of glamour that makes b-holes pucker and he has shown us time and time again that his personal style falls somewhere between “Zoolander’s back-up stylist” and “security guard at the Roberto Cavalli boutique in Moscow who works part-time as a Russian pimp.” Cam isn’t only the walking definition of demure male elegance, he’s also the quarterback for the Carolina Panthers. Cam wore that “Liberace’s accountant” ensemble while showing up to play in the Super Bowl yesterday, and well, those sparkles on his magical loafers probably aren’t sparkling anymore.
In case the mixture of 50 gallons of beer, 28 pounds of deep fried cheese, Coldplay’s presence and boring football shit put you into a coma, which you didn’t come out of until this morning, I’ll tell you that the Panthers lost against the Broncos. Players have to speak to reporters after the game whether they won or lost. It’s a hard job but someone has to get paid millions upon millions of dollars to do it.
Because Cam Newton’s team lost, he had to sit in a chair and listen to reporters ask him what went wrong, why is he such a loser and why does his team suck horse nuts and so on and so on. Cam should’ve done a Marshawn Lynch and said, “I’m just here so I won’t get fined.” Instead, Cam sat there all glum-like while spitting out short answers before he quit that bitch by walking off.
Some sites said that Betty White’s Dab protege STORMED OUT of the press conference, so I was expecting some real theater! I mean, Cam Newton dresses like a gay hairdresser in a telenovela, so I thought he was going to give us some Neely O’Hara-approved messiness while storming out. But no, he just walked off.
Apparently, Cam exited stage left because he overheard one of the Broncos telling a reporter how his team beat Cam Newton. Whatever, fuck the Broncos, because I’m sure that none of them took breaths away while showing up to the after-party in a Givenchy leather skirt.
Back in November 2014, Taryn Manning got into some trouble when she allegedly violated a restraining order that her friend turned stalker Jeanine Heller had out against her. Well, it turns out that Taryn Manning’s Jerry Springer episode meets Melrose Place episode of a life is still Taryn Manning along.
TMZ says that makeup artist Holly Hartman filed a restraining order against Taryn for allegedly bringing a beat down on her several times. Holly claims that the last time Taryn went crazy on her was back in November 2015. They were in Taryn’s apartment in NYC when Pennsyltucky allegedly headbutted her in the face, whipped her with a wet towel, put her in a headlock and sprayed Windex in her eyes and mouth. In Taryn’s defense, if a makeup artist did my makeup like that, I’d probably tell her to clean her eyes with Windex too. The violent craziness didn’t end there, so claims Holly.
Holly also says in the documents that Taryn Manning dared her to kill Pennsyultucky from Orange is the New Black:
She says during the fight, Manning yelled … “Pick a knife. I’m wearing a white shirt there will be a lot of blood. You will be famous for killing Taryn Manning.”
So let’s see, Taryn headbutted, towel whipped and Windex’d a woman before daring said woman to stab her to death? Lindsay Lohan is laughing at that amateur meltdown, because that’s what she calls a slow day.
Holly filed a request for a restraining order in L.A. instead of in NYC, where the beating allegedly went down, so the judge denied it. Taryn was also arrested in 2012 for allegedly attacking Holly. The charges were later dropped.
Taryn, of course, has slapped back at Holly. Taryn’s lawyers claim that Holly is under investigation for stalking and stealing from her. They think that Holly filed for a restraining order to “obscure her own wrong doing.” Taryn plans to take legal action against Holly.
Taryn also tweeted this today:
It's always settling when you find out your friend aided in your convicted stalker all the while sleeping with your man. So I walked away.
— tarynmanning (@TarynManning) January 29, 2016
I know exactly what Taryn is talking about because that happens to me almost every other week!
Every controversy has to have its shot of WTF and I thought the Original Aunt Viv gave us that when she dragged “Miss Thing” Jada Pinkett Smith and Will Smith in a Facebook video. But nope, Alexis Arquette has done the honors.
Two days after Jada declared that she’s boycotting the Oscars over their all-white acting nominations, Alexis Arquette has come out of nowhere and slapped her and Will down. Alexis has her own reason for why she’s not supporting Jada’s Oscar boycott.
Alexis has gone from talking about how fucking Jared Leto feels like a Praetorian Guard is marching up into your asshole to talking about how Will and Jada are double bearding each other. The rumors about Jada and Will being bi swingers have been around since the beginning of time and Alexis said on Facebook (via ONTD) today that it’s true. According to full-time wreck Alexis Arquette, Will’s first marriage ended when his wife caught his ass bouncing on Benny Medina. Alexis also brought up how Will Smith refused to kiss another dude while filming Six Degrees of Separation. Alexis is not going to stand by Jada and Will until they come twirling out of the closet while loudly declaring their love for cooch and dick. What I got from Alexis’ post is that she thinks Will and Jada are hypocrites for preaching about acceptance when they’re main residence is still in the closet. I think.
And Scientology is coming for Alexis in 3..2.. (UPDATE: Alexis’ post has been deleted, but screen shots live forever.)
The only thing I have to add to this mess is that I wish I could put “He Was Best Known For Butt Servicing His Sugar Daddy” on my tombstone.
A few months ago, Azealia Banks allegedly spit in a French dude’s face and called a flight attendant a “fucking faggot” on a plane. After that mess, Azealia should’ve tried to chill all the way out by meditating in a Calgon bath while Enya played in the background and the soothing scent of angel whispers wafting off of a lit Glade candle filled her nostrils. Or she should’ve taken her ass to anger management. But nope, Azealia Banks is still being Azealia Banks and early this morning she got arrested after her delusions of grandeur got the best of her and she took a bite out of a chichi.
Scientists looking for concrete proof that delusion is the secret ingredient in meth got what they were searching for in the tweet that pop twink turned Hilary Duff stalker Aaron Carter burped up yesterday. Aaron tweeted (and later deleted), “Remember one very important thing. Michael passed down the torch to me. I never had to ask for him to do that,” and that pretty much made Twitter ring the bell because the games had begun.
When a bunch of people on Twitter threw Aaron the same “uh huh, bitch” look that my friends throw at me when I tell them I’m going on a 5 day booze and weed cleanse, he defended himself and stamped the word “bully” on the hos who laughed at him for saying he’s the Michael Jackson of our time. I read the string of tweets this morning and thought they were going to bring the laughs, but they quickly nose dived straight into a puddle of SADS.
Some of the tweets that Aaron tweeted up are after the cut and in case you didn’t know, his nickname for Michael Jackson is “Dookie.” I mean….