Criminal Minds is going to go on forever, because the world will always have moms in it, and our moms will always need a show to have on in the background as they spend 45 minutes trying to unwrap a butterscotch candy. My mom is going to get me for that one. She doesn’t watch Criminal Minds! It comes on as the same time as Castle re-runs on TNT, so she watches that while unwrapping a sugar-free butterscotch candy, thankyouverymuch. But that’s besides the point. The point is that new episodes of Criminal Minds will play on TV screens until the end of time and Thomas Gibson, also from Dharma & Greg and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, had a sure thing going until he screwed it up by allegedly kicking a producer. Oh, that ThoMESS Gibson stays messy.
The real story here is that someone interviewed Jean-Claude Van Damme in the year 2016.
JCVD is doing a speaking tour (????) in Australia next month and so he did a bunch of satellite interviews from Bangkok to promote it. During one of the interviews, the Muscles from Brussels’ last nerve got twisted up over the questions he was being asked and he dramatically busted out of there. Either JVCD’s walk-off was fake and staged to show the people that they would get some DRAMA in his speaking show, or he was genuinely not amused by the questions that were tossed his way.
It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.
LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.
And it’s obvious that something is TOM BRADY!
In movies and most interviews, Ben Affleck makes a rock look like it’s full of complex emotions and feelings. But when you bring up Tom Brady and Tom Brady’s deflating balls, Ben Affleck comes alive and will let the raw emotions ooze out of every one of his pores. HBO’s new sports talk show Any Given Wednesday with Bill Simmons premiered last night, and the Botoxed Easter Island statue broke out of his stony exterior and stroked Tom Brady’s dick so hard that Tom is going to need a dick skin graft, because Ben stroked it all off.
If your name is Rachel or Rachael or Roy or even Ray and you’ve got an Instagram page, you better look for a RAID emoji real quick. Because the eyes of the Beyhive are filled with so much blind rage that they don’t even know who they’re attacking anymore.
Casey Affleck, an actor who you may know as Ben Affleck’s brother or Jimmy’s friend Russell from To Die For (probably the second one), is currently in a movie called Triple 9. And just like every actor trying to get asses in theater seats, Casey is hustling Triple 9 on the talk show circuit. The only problem is that it appears Casey would rather clean the crotch sweat stains out of his big brother’s Batman suit than have to make small talk about his movie to Stephen Colbert.
Casey was on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert last night, and you could feel the “I don’t want to be here” vibes right away. Casey looked like a hungover supply teacher (Note from Michael: That’s “substitute teacher” to us ‘Muricans) who is counting down the seconds till he can throw on a DVD full of Heritage Minutes and take a nap in his car. Or as Stephen Colbert observed, a “street corner Jesus.” Casey didn’t like Stephen’s comments about his clothes. But Stephen kept going, because he left all his fucks in his old office at Comedy Central.
Eventually Stephen moved on from Casey’s hobo Stu Pickles cosplay, but it didn’t get any less awkward. Behold, all five minutes and fifty-four seconds of Casey Affleck’s living nightmare.
“Those bitches stole our look!” hissed David Letterman and Madonna.
Who knows if Casey’s uncomfortable laughter and over-it silences were the result of his brain telling him he’s too good for this talk show or he was high on prescription-strength Fuckitol or that it was the Triple 9 PR team’s sneaky way of getting some publicity. But there are places out there that are a lot worse for an actor than The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. Like The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. Casey, being called a street corner Jesus is nothing compared to the humiliation of being in one of those Ew! sketches.