“Don’t look to your left too fast or your that camera lens will be covered with fillers and tissue after your face explodes from seeing that much beauty up close.” – Jocelyn Wildenstein’s man to himself in that picture.
Last week, the 100% plastic feline jewel was arrested and slapped with feliney assault charges for allegedly going pussy gone rabid on her longtime man Lloyd Klein by clawing him, cutting him up with scissors and throwing a metal tray at him in her Trump World Tower apartment in Manhattan. Jocelyn was released back into the wild without having to post bail and went back to her apartment. But the cat scratch drama was hardly over.
It’s been way too long since I’ve been lucky enough to write about a citizen’s arrest. But the citizen’s arrest dry spell is over thanks to actor, comedian and noted mess T.J. Miller allegedly busting a slappity slap show on an Uber driver’s face after fighting about Donald Trump. But before we get to the end-of-the-week fuckery provided by the dude from Silicon Valley, I’ll explain why in that picture, he looks like a 12-year-old you after you pierced your ear in the bathroom using only ice, a safety pin and a prayer. And yes, it’s because of Trump.
PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! PAGING JACKSON GALAXY! Your services are needed at Trump World Tower in Manhattan and not because the tortured and mangy cat on Donald Trump’s head needs rescuing. There’s a rabid pussy on the loose there. Or was, anyway.
Page Six reports that the socialite millionairess who spent millions of dollars to purposefully look like Simba in glamour drag was trapped in a net by animal control this morning and was sedated before she was shipped off to cat jail. No, but 15-year-old (in cat years) Jocelyn Wildenstein was reportedly arrested on
feliney felony assault charges for allegedly scratching the face of her 49-year-old man Lloyd Klein during a violent fight in their Trump World Tower apartment at around 1:30 this morning. Sources say that Jocelyn also slashed Lloyd’s chest with scissors, which caused him to bleed.
Lloyd apparently had to shove Jocelyn into a closet to keep her from attacking him again. I’m sure that before he did that, he tried to distract her rabid ass with a laser pointer or paralyze her by tying a sock around her waist.
Jocelyn is way too damn old to be going wild like that. All the cats I know who are that old are always tired and if they wanted to hurt you, they’d just shank you with their eyes or piss on your shoes. I take back what I said in the headline about Jocelyn being committed to the cat thing. If she was really committed to acting like a cat her age, she wouldn’t be attacking Lloyd. She’d be too busy trying to clean her ass before giving up and taking her 99th nap of the day.
And if Jocelyn was Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s cat, she’d be on her way to a new home right now.
God bless the big-tittied blonde model that IS Kate Upton for fighting for what’s really important in this country. Just so we’re all clear, Kate Upton thinks it’s wrong and disrespectful for anyone to protest against racism in this country by kneeling down during the national anthem. But Kate Upton thinks it’s okay to curse out baseball writers over the illegal INJUSTICE of her baseball-playing man losing an award.
Azealia Banks Reportedly Got Kicked Out Of Russell Crowe’s Hotel Suite For Acting Like Azealia Banks (UPDATE)
Yesterday, I saw the headline “Azealia Banks Alleges Physical Abuse at the Hands of Actor Russell Crowe” and it immediately activated the question mark maker inside of my head. My brain shot out a thousand Huhs?, Whats? and Hows? And the easy answer to all of those questions is: 2016!! 2016 keeps finding extremely creative ways to show us that it’s the corner where “mess” and “fuckery” meet.
In a now-deleted Facebook post, Azealia Banks claimed that noted phone thrower Russell Crowe choked her out, spit at her, called her the n-word and threw her out of his hotel suite. Multiple witnesses told TMZ that yes, Azealia was thrown out of Russell’s suite, but she was tossed through the door after she acted a mess and threatened to stab him and another guest in the froat. You mean to tell me that Russell Crowe and Azealia Banks were in the same room together and shit turned into a scene from a Bad Girls Club reunion. That’s surprising since Azealia and Russell have always been known to be reasonable and calm.
I know, I’m really not right for not putting a “TRIGGER WARNING” above that close-up picture of Trump. Never forgive me that.
Early this morning, while many of us were in a deep sleep, dreaming about puppies, Alexander Skarsgard and Double-Doubles, Donald Trump was sitting straight up on the California King-sized tanning bed he sleeps in and orange grenade smoke shot out of his ears as he continued to rage over the Alicia Machado situation. Jabba the Trump grabbed his phone and used his roasted baby carrot fingers to furiously tweet more shit about Alicia Machado. Trump is staying bothered!