Tori Spelling‘s forty millionth book, Spelling It Like It Is (from Bitches Gots To Get Paid Publishing, Inc.) came out last month and in it, she perverted one of the best movie lines of all time into “Katie Holmes is a plastic robot who can’t sing”.
Katie is either still enjoying the spoils of sympathy from the finely crafted PR after her divorce from Tom Cruise, has fans left over from her Dawson’s Creek days (Team Pacey 4EVA!) or Suri has been staying up past her bedtime leading a letter writing campaign because hell came swiftly for Tori in the form of backlash over her criticism according to Radar.
“Tori was hospitalized for stress and anxiety for a few days because she was receiving a lot of negative feedback about revelations she made in the book and she had no anticipation that it was going to hit a nerve.
“Tori didn’t think making comments about a chance encounter with Katie Holmes would cause such a ruckus.
“She just grew very anxious about having to defend her actions in the book in media interviews and decided that she needed to go to the hospital.”
Let’s all take a moment to bow our heads to pray that Tori is just Queen of the No-Ball Pussies and really couldn’t handle owning her shit and ran to the hospital so nobody could see that she ugly cries worse than Dawson Leery or her wrist was really tired from signing autographs for the three idiots who showed up to her book signing. The other, infinitely more horrifying explanation is that the publisher’s check was late, Candy wouldn’t front them vasectomy money for Dean and the Boy Scout knot he tried on his dick didn’t hold and Tori is really knocked up again.
UPDATE: The video’s been yanked off of YouTube, so click here if you want to see Kanye blow air kisses of love at the paps.
While some of us were still hugging our softest pillow while dreaming of hiking half-naked through the mountains with their sister’s cat sitting in a bag strapped to our back (I swallowed a whole lot of dark chocolate before bed, which is my only explanation for my dream), the paparazzi were camped out in front of Kanye Kardashian’s concrete lair (the concrete lair he can’t sell) at 4 this morning. TMZ says that Kanye and Kim were leaving his house to catch a flight to Paris (cut to Riccardo Tisci getting a full-body wax and slipping on his sexiest leather jogging pants) when the paparazzi started filling his ears with questions about his arch rival Jimmy Kimmel. And let the fucking with Kanye begin!
The paps don’t care that Kanye is the Helen Sinclair of egomaniacal toddlers and never wants to hear you speak. Don’t speak to Kanye! But the paparazzi are like a 3-year-old who just learned that their most powerful nerve-killing weapon against adults is to ask annoying question after annoying question. They know how to tug at Kanye’s throbbing ass lips of rage. They kept asking him questions and he kept mouth farting back at them with, “DON’T TALK TO ME!” Kanye kept his hands to himself this time, but he did charge at a ho. I’m sure that pap will go down to the police station and say that when Kanye charged at him, the wind hit his face a little too hard, giving him a black eye and now he can’t work for at least 8 weeks.
And if only Kanye knew that the quickest way to get bitches to scatter out of his face is to say to them, “So, did I ever tell you what I think about Wreck It Ralph…”
After centuries upon centuries of hearing that Brit Brit’s going to bring her Arm Waving And Lip-Synching Spectacular to Las Vegas, she finally announced on Good Morning America today that she’s doing a two year residency at Planet Hollywood. Thousands of her fans dressed up in her …Baby One More Time school girl outfit and dragged themselves to the middle of the Nevada desert at 2 in the morning to hold up a giant sign for her. Brit Brit saw the sign from a helicopter and she later told Sam Champion that she got the sicks during the ride. Yack, bitch! And yes, Brit Brit barfing up in the helicopter before announcing has Las Vegas shows is foreshadowing.
When Brit Brit finally landed on the ground and rinsed the voms out of her mouth with pork rind-flavored Listerine, she told Sam Champion that her new album is coming out on December 3rd and her Las Vegas show “Britney: Piece of Me” will start on December 27th. She’s (and by “she” I mean Daddy Spears and her other wallet holders) supposedly getting $30 million to do 96 shows during a 2 year period.
In the pre-recorded interview with RedFace McVeneers, Brit Brit didn’t look that uncomfortable and she didn’t look like a pilled up robot deer caught in the headlights. She looked semi-alive-ish! But then in the live interview, she was fidgety, over it and looked like she would’ve rather been eating a plate full of organic, farm fresh vegetables than be in the middle of the desert with Sam Champion. It’s hard to blame her, because standing on top of the graves of people who messed with the mob while being surrounded by a bunch of screaming crazies in school girl costumes sounds like a Hell worse than Burning Man.
And why was she dressed like a Hong Kong-based lady pimp?
Fans of all kinds are yanking and pulling at Beyonce. A couple of months ago, an actual fan grabbed Beyonce’s Malaysian weave and tried to snatch that shit from off of her head. That fan was later put down, dismantled and all of its part were thrown down into the basement with Basement Baby. Basement Baby is now using the fan to grill moth balls on. And then last night at a show in Sao Paulo, a crazed, shirtless Brazilian fan grabbed her and pulled her into the pit of rabid Bumblebeys while she was singing “Irreplaceable.” A look of potent fear and terror covered Beyonce’s face as if somebody just told her that her entire wig crypt (copyright: Fresh) was just destroyed in a fire. Seriously, this looks like a human being swallowed by a mob of zombies.
Before all the crazed Bumblebeys pounced on her and drowned her with their slobber, her bodyguards pulled her out of the pit and she kept on singing. Beyonce’s bodyguards were going to throw the insane body snatcher out of the show, but she stopped them and ten seconds later shook the crazy bitch’s hand. Beyonce shaking that crazy bitch’s hand was her way of giving him his last rites, because I’m sure her bodyguards dragged him out of there and he was later used as a sacrifice to the Illuminati.
Will crazy bitches stop yanking at Beyonce? Is it really that serious? It’s just Beyonce! It’s not like she’s the last Cronut on Earth or a box of America’s rarest and most delicious delicacy Jell-O-1-2-3. I swear, Beyonce’s going to have to get herself a mic that doubles as a taser.
The never-ending sexual tension between Alec Baldwin and the paps once again reached a fever pitch today when he threw one on a car and took him right then and there in front of everyone.
The NYDN says that Alec and his wife Hilaria Baldwin, who gave birth to their daughter about three seconds ago, were walking around in their neighborhood in Manhattan when a paparazzo started asking her a bunch of questions. Hilaria ran into a tea shop to get away from the pap and Alec did what he does best, go after that trick. The East Coast Kanye called the cops before grabbing and pinning the pap to the hood of a parked car. There they were, two grown men, huffing and puffing while one of them was bent over a car. Why is it when two grown men are dry humping on each other on the hood of a car in public, it’s never the two grown men I want to see dry humping on each other on the hood of a car in public?
The police showed up and Alec told them his side and so did the pap. They both admitted to shoving each other, so nobody was arrested and no charges will be filed. They both went their separate ways knowing that one day soon they’ll finish what they started on the hood of that parked car.
Back in the olden days, Lady CaCa and Perez Hilton were partners in fuckery and then I guess they realized that they’ll get more mentions on Twitter if they hate each other rather than love on each other, so they stopped being friends. Cut to two days ago when Lady CaCa said on her Twatter that right after her “accident,” PH texted her a picture of her in a wheelchair with the words “KARMA” written across it and Madonna pointing a gun at her. Then this morning, CaCa and Perez’s after-school special feud turned into the worst plot for the worst Lifetime movie ever when she accused him of stalking her.
The obvious STUNT QUEEN publicity stunt started when a Little Monster, who was hanging outside of her apartment building in NYC for some reason, tweeted to her that Perez was in the lobby of her building. You know that scene in Sleeping with the Enemy when Julia Roberts notices that the bath towels in her new house are all straight and neat just like how her abusive husband liked ‘em? When CaCa read that Little Monster’s tweet, she made the same OMGHESHERE face Julia made. CaCa asked her Little Monster to take a picture of Perez in her building, because the situation is very very SERIOUS! Dumbass CaCa even told her Little Monster that she asked her doorman to let him in so he can get a picture of Perez. I guess CaCa called her building’s security, because eventually Perez was escorted out of the building. That’s what she claims anyway. And then she raged against Perez Kanye-style in an ALL-CAPS melodramatic rant.
THIS BITCH thinks she’s the next John Lennon now. I’m surprise her next tweet wasn’t: “BAN CATCHER IN THE RYE BEFORE I GET SHOT IN THE HEAD AND THE ART WORLD DIES WITH ME!!!1! #BUYAPPLAUSEONITUNESNOW“. But I do love it when messes who aren’t at all behaving like human beings scream, “I’M A HUMAN BEING!”
Here’s the Human Being leaving Chateau Marmont on Friday.
Hugh JackMeOff wasn’t going to let puny ass Nick Jonas be the only trick showing his muscle-wrapped muscles off today, so he tweeted this picture of his skin screeching for dear life as it tries to hold in his bulging veins while he lifts a bunch of oversized checkers (or whatever those things are) at a gym in NYC. Once Hugh dropped the bar and re-attached his arms to his shoulders, he tweeted the note, “If the bar ain’t bendin, then you’re just pretendin.” That’s one of my mottos too! My other motto is, “If my guts ain’t bustin’, you ain’t a thrustin.”
There’s so much going on in this picture and I have a lot of questions. Who is that silver fox in the mirror? Is that Anderson Cooper sitting on a Sybian or is it Bob Tuschman? Does it looks like his peen is resting its head on that bar while his other muscles scream for mercy? Wouldn’t that extra chunky belt look better with a thin summer sweater and leggings? And are you making the same face Hugh is making when you look at those horrific ass glove shoes?! I don’t care if they serve a purpose. If you really don’t want Quentin Tarantino to flirt with your feet, put those dark-sided things on. Nobody will want to fuck your feet if you wear those. They’re like stained granny panties for your feet.
And about Hugh’s face…..
He looks like a bearded cherry tomato. Now we know what Hugh’s face looks like when he prolapses while suffering from a severe case of the hard shits and we also know what his face looks like the moment he realizes that getting DP’d isn’t really for him.
And I was joking when I said that nobody wants to hump Hugh’s feet in those glove shoes. I’d totally do Hugh’s feet, fugly ass glove shoes and all.
At Comic-Con over the weekend, Jennifer Lawrence was doing press for that Hunger Games shit when she nearly pre-jizzed out of her eyes after spotting Jeff Bridges down the line (starts at around the 2:30 mark). Jennifer ran up to him, got the shyes, ran way and then ran back up to him. If she was stumbling drunk and got shot down at the end, she would look just like me doing my signature mating call at the gay bar. Jennifer somehow kept her excitement from squirting all over the place and told Jeff Bridges what a huge fan she is before the reporter from Extra handed her the mic and let her do the interview.
Some are saying that oh, this is just Jennifer Lawrence being quirky, weird, OHSOREALZ and the anti-Anne Hathaway. But I look at this and all I see is Jennifer Lawrence being oh-so-stooooooooooned. A stoner meeting The Dude is like Big Brother’s Aryan Nation meeting Paula Deen or like Pimp Mama Kris meeting Lucifer. Everybody becomes a giant salivating boner when meeting their hero.
If Jeff Bridges put on his Southwestern abuelita cardigan and handed Jennifer Lawrence a joint, she’d totally pull an Anne Hathaway by cooing, “It came trueeeeee.”
Kanye West had another dramatic meltdown at LAX today after a paparazzo kept speaking after he told the dude to stop speaking. Kanye out of the terminal with his bodyguard when a bunch of paps started asking a bunch of questions and Kanye hates questions as much as he loves fish sticks. As the paps kept asking him more questions, you could practically see his throbbing b-hole of rage get hotter and hotter and hotter and then he went off. Kanye said “What you’re trying to do is get me in trouble so I [something something] and have to pay you like $250,000″ before pouncing on that trick. Bitch went stage 2 Bjork on that pap.
From the pictures, it looks like Kanye and the pap just did some good old-fashioned man-on-man wrestling right next to that cab. As the pap’s head rubbed up into Kanye’s pit, Kanye tried to grab the camera and when he couldn’t, he jumped in the car and drove away. TMZ says that the paramedics and the LAPD were called. The pap claims that he got hurt when Kanye shoved him to the ground. And on top of all that, the Robbery Homicide Unit is investigating Kanye for attempted robbery since he tried to grab the paparazzo’s camera. That shit’s a felony and once the D.A. gets the case, they’ll decide whether or not to press charges.
Here’s the video of that mess:
Dumb ass Kanye even says, “so I’ll have to pay you $250,000” and then he goes and makes it happen. I’m sure Pimp Mama Kris will make everything better by paying off that paparazzo right after she finishes squirting out a geyser over all the attention this is getting. If you’re in the Hidden Hills area, that’s not hot summer rain falling on your head.
Yes, Rae Dawn Chong still exists and while she was waiting in line for the extras open call for Sharknado 2, she called into Matty P’s Radio Happy Hour to trash God’s understudy on Earth, Oprah. Rae Dawn Chong gave us all some brand new, never-before-heard information when she said that Oprah nose fucked powerful people in the butt to get to the top. Rae Dawn Chong could’ve stopped there and everybody in the congregation would’ve nodded their heads in agreement, but she just had to keep going. Rae Dawn Chong didn’t just throw shade, bitch turned out the lights on Oprah.
TMZ has the audio (below) of Tommy Chong’s daughter shitting at the mouth about how Oprah was nice to her during The Color Purple, but when she got a role in a movie with “Maria Shriver’s husband,” The Mighty O turned into a mighty “bi-awwww-etch” and didn’t want anything to do with her. RDC got madder and madder and madder and madder and eventually she made Paula Deen’s clit pimple pop and shoot out a geyser of butter when said that Oprah would be a “field nigger” during the slave days:
“If you look at the way [Oprah] looks, she looks like 60 years ago she would have been a house keeper luckily. She would have not been a house nigger she would have been a field nigger.”
WHAT IN THE HELL?! Will somebody please check on the AC window unit in RDC’s Van Nuys apartment to make sure it’s working, because I think the heat got a hold of her brain and melted it. I was nodding my head yes when RDC said that “Oprah is all about Oprah” and “Oprah’s a brown-noser” and then she went there. RDC then says that Oprah was a fat chick who always wanted to be the popular cheerleader. Then RDC went totally crazy when she spewed out a rant filled with cunt-covered back-handed compliments:
“You gotta respect her, no matter how vile she is — ’cause ultimately she’s all about Oprah and she’s boring — but aside from that, you gotta kinda go, ‘Hello, hats off, you have done an amazing thing. You have actually shifted the DNA of the universe.
We have to give her props. … I have to stop and say this woman is a miracle and I respect her and I say kudos to you and I don’t give two cents about the other parts of it. She shifted the DNA in terms of our thinking of a woman of a certain size and a certain shape. I love her for that. I don’t care what she’s about, I don’t care that I know her ins and outs, I just think that she’s done a lot. I love her for that.”
Bitch is all over the place. It’s like she’s sucking Oprah off and punching her in the gut at the same time. RDC obviously got into her daddy’s stash and smoked the wrong kind of kush.
And the beautiful line “Harpo, who dis woman?” has never been more appropriate.
UPDATE: RDC took a break from painting that wall to apologize for using the N-word. RDC meant it as a compliment but regrets using it. Yeah, I don’t know what she’s saying and I don’t think we ever will.