Azealia Banks Reportedly Got Kicked Out Of Russell Crowe’s Hotel Suite For Acting Like Azealia Banks (UPDATE)
Yesterday, I saw the headline “Azealia Banks Alleges Physical Abuse at the Hands of Actor Russell Crowe” and it immediately activated the question mark maker inside of my head. My brain shot out a thousand Huhs?, Whats? and Hows? And the easy answer to all of those questions is: 2016!! 2016 keeps finding extremely creative ways to show us that it’s the corner where “mess” and “fuckery” meet.
In a now-deleted Facebook post, Azealia Banks claimed that noted phone thrower Russell Crowe choked her out, spit at her, called her the n-word and threw her out of his hotel suite. Multiple witnesses told TMZ that yes, Azealia was thrown out of Russell’s suite, but she was tossed through the door after she acted a mess and threatened to stab him and another guest in the froat. You mean to tell me that Russell Crowe and Azealia Banks were in the same room together and shit turned into a scene from a Bad Girls Club reunion. That’s surprising since Azealia and Russell have always been known to be reasonable and calm.
I know, I’m really not right for not putting a “TRIGGER WARNING” above that close-up picture of Trump. Never forgive me that.
Early this morning, while many of us were in a deep sleep, dreaming about puppies, Alexander Skarsgard and Double-Doubles, Donald Trump was sitting straight up on the California King-sized tanning bed he sleeps in and orange grenade smoke shot out of his ears as he continued to rage over the Alicia Machado situation. Jabba the Trump grabbed his phone and used his roasted baby carrot fingers to furiously tweet more shit about Alicia Machado. Trump is staying bothered!
Criminal Minds is going to go on forever, because the world will always have moms in it, and our moms will always need a show to have on in the background as they spend 45 minutes trying to unwrap a butterscotch candy. My mom is going to get me for that one. She doesn’t watch Criminal Minds! It comes on as the same time as Castle re-runs on TNT, so she watches that while unwrapping a sugar-free butterscotch candy, thankyouverymuch. But that’s besides the point. The point is that new episodes of Criminal Minds will play on TV screens until the end of time and Thomas Gibson, also from Dharma & Greg and The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, had a sure thing going until he screwed it up by allegedly kicking a producer. Oh, that ThoMESS Gibson stays messy.
The real story here is that someone interviewed Jean-Claude Van Damme in the year 2016.
JCVD is doing a speaking tour (????) in Australia next month and so he did a bunch of satellite interviews from Bangkok to promote it. During one of the interviews, the Muscles from Brussels’ last nerve got twisted up over the questions he was being asked and he dramatically busted out of there. Either JVCD’s walk-off was fake and staged to show the people that they would get some DRAMA in his speaking show, or he was genuinely not amused by the questions that were tossed his way.
It seemed like for a quick minute or two the world’s one-time leading producer of fuckery, Lindsay Lohan, was laying low and that the messiness in her messy life had settled down a bit. But over the weekend, she let out a freckled storm of foolery when she claimed in several Instagram posts that her Russian trust fund fiancé piece Egor Tarabasov had done her wrong by passing his peen to a Russian prostitution whore-ah. Child services in London also called a red siren emergency meeting when LiLo made it seem like an actual living thing is growing in her womb. Reading LiLo’s incoherent Instagram posts made me think that maybe Apple should install a feature that locks you out of all of your social media accounts when you put your finger on your iPhone and it detects that you’ve got massive amounts of mind-altering substances flowing through you. But then again if Apple did that, use on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat would plummet since it seems like 50% of the people posting on social media are drunk or cracked out. And yes, I’m including myself in that 50%.
LiLo becoming someone’s mother is serious, serious business, but shit got really serious and darker when The Sun posted a grainy video of her screaming on the balcony of her fancy London flat about how her Russian piece allegedly choked her out and tried to kill her. The video made my brain flashback to 2009 when LiLo and SamRo used to reenact scenes from Casino in front of the paps.
And it’s obvious that something is TOM BRADY!
In movies and most interviews, Ben Affleck makes a rock look like it’s full of complex emotions and feelings. But when you bring up Tom Brady and Tom Brady’s deflating balls, Ben Affleck comes alive and will let the raw emotions ooze out of every one of his pores. HBO’s new sports talk show Any Given Wednesday with Bill Simmons premiered last night, and the Botoxed Easter Island statue broke out of his stony exterior and stroked Tom Brady’s dick so hard that Tom is going to need a dick skin graft, because Ben stroked it all off.