Ooh wee, someone clearly needs to run themselves a Calgon bath and put on some Enya, because that is not the face of a well-rested working girl! This is the face of someone who’s been burning the midnight oil and/or chasing the midnight dragon. Lindsay Lohan, you worked a whole day this week! Pour yourself a cup of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer and put your feet up, you deserve it! For real though, whatever you’re doing, you need to stop, because you look EXHAUSTED.
To celebrate the rave reviews she received for her opening night performance in Speed-The-Plow, Lindsay Lohan (or as she’s now known in America: “London’s Problem Now”) decided to treat herself to a night on the town. After all, it isn’t every day the Apricot Ashtray actually shows up for work semi-sober! Or at all, really. So she decided to go where every famous ho goes when they’re in London, the Chiltern Firehouse. Thank god it’s not an actual firehouse anymore, otherwise LiLo would have spent the night wandering around asking people if she can “slide down the pole” and trying to snort up the white parts of the dalmatian. Instead, she probably spent the night wandering around from table to table, asking rich dudes if she can slide down the pole and snorting up whatever she found on the floor before someone reminded her she has to go back to work the next day. “Wait, you mean I have to show up more than once???”
And I know I’ll hate myself for making this joke, but if Lindsay looks this tired after one day of work, maybe it’s time to Plow-The-Speed. Oh lord, that was awful – I’ll show myself out.
“My precious…. My precious… Wait, can I smoke these?”
Miracles happen every day (one example: I didn’t immediately run into oncoming traffic when I discovered I was fresh out of the good shit this morning) and today a miracle happened when the first preview for Speed-The-Plow in London started and Lindsay Lohan actually showed up on time and didn’t quit 10 minutes into it. Progress! People on Twitter were split about this shit. Some say that the first preview was a flaming train wreck and others say it was just “meh.” The Daily Mail and The Daily Beast say that LiLo and her cast mate Richard Schiff didn’t know their lines, the audience laughed at her during her big speech, the acting was high school levels of amateur and a messy bitch in the balcony (read: probably White Oprah) dropped champagne on another audience member’s head. That last part was probably the most exciting and theatrical thing that happened all night.
People on Twitter say that when LiLo wasn’t reading her lines out of a prop book she was holding, an assistant offstage fed them to her. LiLo stuttered through David Mamet’s words and when Richard Schiff’s character said to her, “You have done a fantastic job,” the audience laughed at the irony of it all. They laughed at LiLo’s ass again when her character said, “I know what it is to be bad. I’ve been bad.” But a source (Hi, White Oprah!) tells The Daily Mail that she was a pleasant surprise, looked “amazing” and it was only the first preview so she has time before opening night to get her shit together.
“She was just fine, she did forget her lines a couple of times but covered it up like a pro. She was a pleasant surprise for sure. Lindsay’s character was quite interesting and she immersed herself in the role, she was very strong in the second scene which was her biggest one. She looked amazing… I was in awe of her. It was no means a perfect performance and she’s certainly no Judi Dench, but she wasn’t awful. There is a line where she says ‘I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad” and the audience all cracked up laughing but she got great applause in the curtain call and someone passed her flowers from audience.”
So LiLo screwed up a few lines. Big deal! We all know she’s a pro at doing lines. It was probably a one-off. Besides, LiLo didn’t have time to memorize dumb lines for her job. She busy doing more important things like partying in Italy and France! But you know, I’d consider tonight a triumph. First of all, bitch didn’t hold up the curtain for 9 hours because her alarm went off at 6:30pm and she hit the snooze button 400 times. Second of all, LiLo didn’t suddenly come down with “walking pneumonia” 15 minutes in and leave to go to the hospital (the club). Third of all, she didn’t show up late to one of her cues because she was stealing coats out of the coat check room. What more do those people want?!
I didn’t know the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN truthers were still a thing until CNN reported this morning that there’s another huge crack in the ozone layer from the high-pitched hot cries of woeful pain that the Robsten fangirls let out when seeing these pictures of Robert Pattinson holding hands with a trick who isn’t Kristen Stewart. They still will not believe. #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN will never become #ROBSTENISBROKEN. They will not let themselves believe that Rob is licking another trick’s armpit.
The former keeper of the Unicorn Forest, 28-yearold RPattz, has been dating 26-year-old British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (born name: Tahliah Barnett) for a few weeks now and they’ve been papped hanging out in NYC. But just like I refuse to believe that Beverly Hills Teens got canceled and isn’t just on a really, really long hiatus, the Robsten fandom (yes, a little piece of my already dead soul dies more whenever I type “Robsten fandom”) refuses to believe that Robsten is out and SonWigs is in. But the hard truth stabbed them all in the hearts over the weekend when Instagram user shia_da posted pictures of RPattz and FKA Twigs holding hands while strolling on the beach in Venice, CA.
After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)
She probably just found out that Jennifer Lawrence is dating both John Mayer AND Chris Martin and it drove her over the edge….
Whenever you see a screen shot of a video starring a blonde rod of range in a tank top throwing two fuck yous in front of a palm tree, you shrug and say to yourself, “Oh, Florida.” But surprisingly enough, this mess didn’t go down in Florida. It happened all the way in Honolulu, Hawaii. Ryan Arakaki, the dude who shot the video, writes in the YouTube description that he was driving behind this Minivan Mom and she kept looking down at what he thinks was her phone. She had a bunch of space in front of her, so he switched lanes and got in front of her. Some moms have a throbbing ball of sheer rage living in their bodies and they’re just waiting for some trick to screw with them so they can let it out. So when Ryan cut her off, she brought out the rage and ear punched him with a string of curse words.
Ryan writes that she rode his ass hard and at one point she switched into the lane next to him and tried to run him off the road. Sarah Palin’s Hawaiian cousin pulled up next to him and turned the inside of her minivan into a classroom at Road Rage Elementary by teaching the poor kid next to her how to properly overreact and go insane on a driver. I believe the children are our future and I believe we owe it to them to teach them useful words like ASS-HOLE. This crazy mom agrees with me, obviously. Ryan says that he eventually drove into the parking lot of a shopping center. Dude should’ve driven into the parking lot of a weed dispensary, because angry mom definitely needed a dose of the good shit. After he drove into the parking, angry minivan mom jumped out, got in his face, called him a “fat boy” and threatened to “fuck him up.”
If Lifetime did a reboot of Falling Down for the minivan-driving set, that video would be its trailer.
After the video went viral, the NOT THE ONE minivan mom told KITV4 that she doesn’t regret bringing the crazy on him, but she does regret spitting out a bunch of fuck words.
Tom Brady is on the cover of Man of the World (via People), but the verbal fart bubbles he dribbled out to the magazine sound like they came straight out of Toddler of the Playpen Monthly. Tom tells the magazine that he always wants attention from Gisele Bundchen and when she doesn’t give him the attention he wants, he goes full Bieber by whining and throwing a tantrum as their two little kids throw a side-eye that says: “Will you idiotic bitches grow up and get on our maturity level already?” The overgrown man child spat this up to MOTW:
“I like attention from her, so when I’m not getting it I let her know in immature ways, like a young, immature child would. You throw fits and you pout and you whine until you get what you want.
She’s on to me, she knows all of my tricks. So now I have to learn new tricks.”
And suddenly, just like that, Bridget Moynahan doesn’t feel so bad about Tom Brady dumping her ass for a supermodel while their unborn baby was growing in her uterus. The sound of a bullet whizzing by Bridget Moynahan sounds exactly like Tom Brady wailing as his big fists pound on the floor.
Tom continued to paint his marriage with colors of maturity and healthiness by saying that Gisele is always nagging him, but that’s okay, because wimmuns always be nagging. That’s what they do:
“I’m a guy, what doesn’t she get on me for? That’s just what wives do.”
Tom was talking to Men of the World Magazine, so maybe Tom was mostly joking and thought that the men of the world wanted him to say that wives are nagging bitches and husbands are pouty man babies. But you know, I can totally picture Gisele nagging at Tom to finish his chicken fangers while barbecue sauce is smeared all over his mouth and he screams about how he wants to go outside for splash splash fun in the pool.
If Tom was being serious, then somebody should tell Gisele that she can easily shut down every fit that Tantrum Tommy throws. Every time he starts to whine, all she has to say to shut him up is, “Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., if you don’t stop now, there will be no more slidey times for you!”
Game point: Gis
To promote their movie Clouds of Sils Maria, Juliette Binoche and the human equivalent of a crumpled up paper bag full of spray paint fumes had a conversation for the German edition of Interview Magazine. As Celebitchy points out, Juliette Binoche and Kristen Stewart’s talk was translated by a Kristen Stewart fan from the Russian edition of Interview. So the interview was done in English, then translated into German, then translated into Russian, then translated back into English. Or it was translated from KStew’s mumble speak into English, then into Russian and back into English. Whatever the case may be, there was a lot of translating going on and so shit could’ve gotten twisted in translation. But then again this wouldn’t be the first time that KStew has dribbled out a shit nugget of humbleness.
During most of the interview, Juliette and KStew have their lips attached to each other’s asses. KStew only pried her lips off of Juliette’s nalgas to press them against her own ass. Juliette and KStew got into talking about doing big-budget Hollywood movies and indies. KStew hates it when people say you should do one role for yourself and one role for the audience. KStew only does roles for herself (Side note: It shows, bitch, it shows). KStew then redefined the meaning of “humble” by saying that she’s a magical genie and all she has to do is snap her fingers to get a role.
Jamie Dornan Will Get An Oscar For Playing Christian Grey, So Says Fifty Shades Of Grey’s Screenwriter
Fifty Shades of Grey is going to win Oscars in the same universe where Parasite Hilton is going to sweep the Grammys, Tori Spelling is going to sweet the Emmys, Meryl Streep is going to sweep the Razzies, I’m going to win a Pulitzer for my dedication to writing about dick cheese and Lindsay Lohan is going to win something besides another court date. But Fifty Shades of Shit’s screenwriter, Kelly Marcel, thinks that at the 2016 Oscars, 2015′s Best Actress Oscar winner, January Jones for The Mother Theresa Story, will say the words, “And the Oscar goes to JAMIE DORNAN,” as
hell freezes over it starts snowing at Coachella and pigs fly the Kardashians sprout wings. Either Kelly Marcel was just joking or she’s been in the Fifty Shades of Shit world for so long that she’s gone crazy.
E! News says that Kelly took part in a Q&A for DBA’s “An Evening in the Writer’s Room” series in Hollywood last week and she talked about how hard (I bet) it was writing sex scenes for Fifty Shades. Kelly says that she had to describe everything and had to get Anastasia Aluminum Foil to say, “You are my popsicle,” to Christian Grey. I don’t know what that means, but if Christian’s dick melts in Ana’s cooch when he sticks it in, she shouldn’t admit that out loud, because it’s not a compliment. Kelly says that they played that scene really well and Jamie Dornan is really good at playing it hard and soft. I don’t know if she means that he’s really good at being vulnerable and rough or if she means that his dick emotes emotion when it’s hard and when it’s asleep.
Marcel laughed and said, “She says that, ‘You are my popsicle.’ That line went in, it’s genius. They apparently did that scene great. Apparently Jamie is great at being soft and hard at the same time. Which is hard to do for an actor! He’s going to get an Oscar!”
But how does someone translate a “Christian Grey popsicle” on-screen? Marcel explained that scenes had to be very specific and descriptive in the script, adding that she couldn’t just write, “They made love” and move on, making things awkward sometimes.
“I had to actually describe everything! It was really embarrassing when you’re doing studio notes around the table with 12 people,” she said.
If anybody’s going to get an Oscar for Fifty Shades of Mom Jizz it better be the tampon, because it probably gives the most multi-layered performance in that shit.
And if Jamie Dornan does win an Oscar for Fifty Shades, all cameras should focus on Leonard DiCaprio as he deflates when the last bubble of hope slips out of his ass.
I’m not sure why, but I just pictured that floppy tit speaking in a charming Cockney accent. “Allo luv! Fancy meeting you ‘ere! Don’t mind me, just ‘avin a wee snooze in the sun before Coronation Street.”
Mermaids everywhere officially hung up their seashell bras and retired today after Lindsay Lohan was spotted strolling a beach in Ibiza looking like a sloppy-titted sea siren. And by sea siren, I mean she set off the siren that alerts beach visitors that the sea has been contaminated by toxic self-tanner sludge and random clumps of orange hair and the beach will be closed until further notice. No! She really does look like a mermaid; like Ariel, if Ariel sold her voice to Ursula for two baggies of coke instead of two legs.
Seeing the Apricot Ashtray slithering around the beaches of Ibiza with her floppy freckled pancakes hanging out makes me feel a lot of things (queasy, nauseous, dry heave-y) but mostly it makes me feel sorry for Ibiza. First Orlando Bloom gets into a dramatic douche fight Justin Bieber in a nightclub, and now Lindsay Lohan is assaulting eyes by serving up a heaping helping of sloppy side boob in one of White Oprah’s trashy old stretched-out Body Glove bathing suits from the 80s. Poor Ibiza; when did you become the Florida of Europe?
And speaking of Florida, apparently there are people in Ibiza who are dumb enough to let Lindsay operate a jet ski. It probably took her all of 10 minutes before she whipped out her phone, started texting her dealer, and rear-ended a dolphin. Then when the cops came to arrest her, she tried to blame it on a starfish. Wait, can you get a DUI on a jet ski? I’m sure Lindsay will find a way.
Pics: Fame Flynet
Arya Stark From Game Of Thrones Slaps At British Airways For Not Letting Her Into The Business Class Lounge
Teenagers really have it the worst and rich, famous teenagers have it worser than worse, because they’re used to hearing “yes” most of the time, but every now and again some evil torturer has to tell them “no” and being told “no” when you’re a famous teenager is worse than getting shot at during war (that line is sponsored by a teenage Goopy Paltrow). 17-year-old Maisie Williams from Game of Thrones knows what I’m talking about, because over the weekend she suffered through some real struggle when she tried to sashay into British Airways’ business class lounge and was denied at the door because she’s under the age of 18. British Airways told The Daily Mail that kids under the age of 18 aren’t allowed into the business class lounge without a parent, because there’s a beautiful, unattended, self-serve open bar in there and we all know that teenagers would guzzle all of it down if they could, because they’re greedy.
Maisie and her luxurious Woolly Bear Caterpillar brows didn’t take their plight to the United Nations since their human rights were obviously violated. But Maisie did jump onto Twitter and yelled at British Airways, because she, a Business Class-paying Business Class citizen, should be able to stand on Business Class soil.
So Maisie Williams, a celebrity, was denied entrance into the British Airways business class lounge and nothing was done about it? I take back everything I said about Kanye West. He was absolutely, one hundred percent right as usual! Celebrities are treated exactly the way black people were in 1960s America!