Phoebe Price must’ve spent the night in and didn’t grace the paps’ lenses with her star presence, because they had to settle for taking pictures of the rapping Double Trouble action figure Iggy Azalea buying eggs at a grocery store in L.A.Iggy wasn’t having it.
The YouTube description says that Iggy and her sidekick/assistant/friend were buying eggs and frozen turkeys to stuff her ass with when they caught a paparazzo taking pictures of them. The pap claims that Iggy and her yappy Yorkie of a friend put him in a chokehold and spit on him. Iggy shouldn’t do that shit for free, because I’m sure some sucio freak out there would pay top dollar for an Australian lady rapper with a stress ball ass to choke and spit on them.
When they got to the parking lot, the pap screamed, “Do you have AIDS? Maybe I got Ebola,” because Iggy spit on him. Iggy and her friend, Scrappy Doo, screamed back at the pap and told him that they hope he has Ebola and dies. Basically, Iggy and the pap blew sweet words of love at each other.
The equally-as-crazy pap screamed at Iggy to go live in Nebraska if she doesn’t want to deal with paps. That’s my new go to response for ho’s who complain about living in L.A. “Ugh, do you know how long it took me to get from Sunset to Wilshire?” Bitch, go live in Nebraska! “Ugh, can you believe that Trader Joe’s was all out of peppermint bark?” Bitch, go live in Nebraska!
Iggy and her shrieking hyena of a friend went after the pap some more before disappearing into the night. Iggy later threw up some shit on Instagram about how she’s the Britney Spears of 2014.
You know, Iggy could’ve easily made that pap scat. She should’ve put on her “rap accent” and screamed at him, “AH’M DA RILLEST! AH’M DA BADDESS BITCH!” He would’ve dropped his camera and ran for his mommy, because Iggy is that hard.
Here’s Iggy looking like a Cirque du Soleil reject at the ACL Music Festival in Austin on Saturday.
Seen above looking frazzled, worn out and tired after spending 10 long minutes telling the weekday morning chef how to properly make a quinoa, flaxseed and cloudberry breakfast tart for Apple and Moses (the plight of a working mother), Goopy Paltrow hosted a Democratic National Committee Fundraiser in the backyard of the Haus of GOOP in Brentwood last night. When she wasn’t GOOPing in her $900 French silk chonies over President Obama, she continued to be the Norma Rae of our time by fighting for the working class!
Buzzfeed says that 250 guests, including Julia Roberts and Bradley Whitford, paid anywhere from $1,000 to $32,400 to watch President Obama speak. Actually, I don’t think anybody “watched” him speak since their eyeballs rolled onto their freshly baked wood-burned pizzalets when Goopy Paltrow mouth farted out her usual shit while introducing him. Ever since Goopy got an ocean full of diarrhea dropped on her for saying that she, a famous millionaire, has it so much harder than regular 9 to 5 working moms, she’s been pedaling hard on the damage control cycle. While introducing Obama last night, Goopy pulled a Goopy. via the NYDN
“Paltrow cited sustainable energy efforts as well as Obama’s push for equal pay, which she called ‘Very important to me as a working mother.’”
Bitch always has to find a way to GOOP it up. She was fine until she threw in “as a working mother.” Goopy really knows the trials and tribulations of your average working mother. I mean, Goopy has to shoot one whole film a year to pay all the au pairs, chefs, chauffeurs, tutors, nutritionists, acupuncturists and butlers who take care of her two children. The other day, Goopy had to tell her contractor to do the pool in Capri in Carrara marble instead of crushed diamond tiles because she has to cut the budget. Goopy is barely making ends meet! Do something about this, Obama!
Goopy then gushed from every orifice as she flirted with Obama. Buzzfeed says these words came out of her mouth:
- “I am one of your biggest fans, if not the biggest.”
- “It would be wonderful if we were able to give this man all of the power that he needs to pass the things that he needs to pass.”
- “You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly.”
Um, but does she ever speak properly? Since the sight of Obama makes Goopy almost speechless, we now know that the quickest way to get her to shut the fuck up is to show her a picture of Obama.
The audience at Mimi’s “The Elusive Chanteuse Show“in Tokyo, Japan on Saturday night was filled with cringing lambs, because instead of yodeling out high-pitched, glitter-covered musical notes of perfection, the Unicornie Rainbow Butterfly Empress nearly busted out of her cocoon of Spanx as she struggled to sing. I haven’t been this embarrassed by someone trying to hit high notes since my friend sent me a blurry, grainy cell phone video of me destroying the shit out of Radiohead’s “Creep” while drunkenly playing Rock Band.
As UsWeekly points out, yesterday clips of the Elusive Chanteuse struggling through several of her songs made the rounds. Mimi couldn’t hit some notes, forgot lyrics and her voice cracked a few times. She basically sounded like JLo when JLo sings live. Some of her fans defended her by saying that since her marriage to Nick Cannon is now a butchered carcass, the sads/booze are squeezing her vocal cords. Others blamed it on mic issues. But Mimi’s rep says that there were no issues and they’ve only heard good things from fans.
“The comments we have heard from the fans have been great!”
Mimi’s rep should’ve said that Mimi did hit all those high notes and the notes were so high that only dogs and angels could hear them.
Here’s another clip:
We all know what’s really going on here. As Mimi’s singing voice grows weaker, Ariana Grande Latte’s singing voice grows stronger. Ariana Grande is slowly stealing Mimi’s voice. Ariana Grande Latte must be stopped. She cannot be the new Supreme!
Ooh wee, someone clearly needs to run themselves a Calgon bath and put on some Enya, because that is not the face of a well-rested working girl! This is the face of someone who’s been burning the midnight oil and/or chasing the midnight dragon. Lindsay Lohan, you worked a whole day this week! Pour yourself a cup of Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer and put your feet up, you deserve it! For real though, whatever you’re doing, you need to stop, because you look EXHAUSTED.
To celebrate the rave reviews she received for her opening night performance in Speed-The-Plow, Lindsay Lohan (or as she’s now known in America: “London’s Problem Now”) decided to treat herself to a night on the town. After all, it isn’t every day the Apricot Ashtray actually shows up for work semi-sober! Or at all, really. So she decided to go where every famous ho goes when they’re in London, the Chiltern Firehouse. Thank god it’s not an actual firehouse anymore, otherwise LiLo would have spent the night wandering around asking people if she can “slide down the pole” and trying to snort up the white parts of the dalmatian. Instead, she probably spent the night wandering around from table to table, asking rich dudes if she can slide down the pole and snorting up whatever she found on the floor before someone reminded her she has to go back to work the next day. “Wait, you mean I have to show up more than once???”
And I know I’ll hate myself for making this joke, but if Lindsay looks this tired after one day of work, maybe it’s time to Plow-The-Speed. Oh lord, that was awful – I’ll show myself out.
“My precious…. My precious… Wait, can I smoke these?”
Miracles happen every day (one example: I didn’t immediately run into oncoming traffic when I discovered I was fresh out of the good shit this morning) and today a miracle happened when the first preview for Speed-The-Plow in London started and Lindsay Lohan actually showed up on time and didn’t quit 10 minutes into it. Progress! People on Twitter were split about this shit. Some say that the first preview was a flaming train wreck and others say it was just “meh.” The Daily Mail and The Daily Beast say that LiLo and her cast mate Richard Schiff didn’t know their lines, the audience laughed at her during her big speech, the acting was high school levels of amateur and a messy bitch in the balcony (read: probably White Oprah) dropped champagne on another audience member’s head. That last part was probably the most exciting and theatrical thing that happened all night.
People on Twitter say that when LiLo wasn’t reading her lines out of a prop book she was holding, an assistant offstage fed them to her. LiLo stuttered through David Mamet’s words and when Richard Schiff’s character said to her, “You have done a fantastic job,” the audience laughed at the irony of it all. They laughed at LiLo’s ass again when her character said, “I know what it is to be bad. I’ve been bad.” But a source (Hi, White Oprah!) tells The Daily Mail that she was a pleasant surprise, looked “amazing” and it was only the first preview so she has time before opening night to get her shit together.
“She was just fine, she did forget her lines a couple of times but covered it up like a pro. She was a pleasant surprise for sure. Lindsay’s character was quite interesting and she immersed herself in the role, she was very strong in the second scene which was her biggest one. She looked amazing… I was in awe of her. It was no means a perfect performance and she’s certainly no Judi Dench, but she wasn’t awful. There is a line where she says ‘I know what it is to be bad, I’ve been bad” and the audience all cracked up laughing but she got great applause in the curtain call and someone passed her flowers from audience.”
So LiLo screwed up a few lines. Big deal! We all know she’s a pro at doing lines. It was probably a one-off. Besides, LiLo didn’t have time to memorize dumb lines for her job. She busy doing more important things like partying in Italy and France! But you know, I’d consider tonight a triumph. First of all, bitch didn’t hold up the curtain for 9 hours because her alarm went off at 6:30pm and she hit the snooze button 400 times. Second of all, LiLo didn’t suddenly come down with “walking pneumonia” 15 minutes in and leave to go to the hospital (the club). Third of all, she didn’t show up late to one of her cues because she was stealing coats out of the coat check room. What more do those people want?!
I didn’t know the #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN truthers were still a thing until CNN reported this morning that there’s another huge crack in the ozone layer from the high-pitched hot cries of woeful pain that the Robsten fangirls let out when seeing these pictures of Robert Pattinson holding hands with a trick who isn’t Kristen Stewart. They still will not believe. #ROBSTENISUNBROKEN will never become #ROBSTENISBROKEN. They will not let themselves believe that Rob is licking another trick’s armpit.
The former keeper of the Unicorn Forest, 28-yearold RPattz, has been dating 26-year-old British singer-songwriter FKA Twigs (born name: Tahliah Barnett) for a few weeks now and they’ve been papped hanging out in NYC. But just like I refuse to believe that Beverly Hills Teens got canceled and isn’t just on a really, really long hiatus, the Robsten fandom (yes, a little piece of my already dead soul dies more whenever I type “Robsten fandom”) refuses to believe that Robsten is out and SonWigs is in. But the hard truth stabbed them all in the hearts over the weekend when Instagram user shia_da posted pictures of RPattz and FKA Twigs holding hands while strolling on the beach in Venice, CA.
After Kanye West told a fan in a wheelchair to stand up at one of his shows in Sydney, he should’ve just said, “Sowwy. *Kanye shrug*,” and moved onto his next act of buffoonery. But Kanye West wouldn’t be Kanye West if he didn’t use a situation to nail himself to the cross and mouth shit out a long-winded stream of cold farts about how the media keeps painting him, an egotistical ass, as an egotistical ass. During his last show in Sydney last night, Kanye queefed up another WOE IS ME rant where he said that the media has the wrong target and he’s a married Christian man. Sorry, Christians, but Kanye belongs to you now and you can’t give him back. No refunds or exchanges! “Well, we had a good run. RIP Christianity 1-2014″ - Paul, Jesus or whoever the founder and president of Christianity is (was)
She probably just found out that Jennifer Lawrence is dating both John Mayer AND Chris Martin and it drove her over the edge….
Whenever you see a screen shot of a video starring a blonde rod of range in a tank top throwing two fuck yous in front of a palm tree, you shrug and say to yourself, “Oh, Florida.” But surprisingly enough, this mess didn’t go down in Florida. It happened all the way in Honolulu, Hawaii. Ryan Arakaki, the dude who shot the video, writes in the YouTube description that he was driving behind this Minivan Mom and she kept looking down at what he thinks was her phone. She had a bunch of space in front of her, so he switched lanes and got in front of her. Some moms have a throbbing ball of sheer rage living in their bodies and they’re just waiting for some trick to screw with them so they can let it out. So when Ryan cut her off, she brought out the rage and ear punched him with a string of curse words.
Ryan writes that she rode his ass hard and at one point she switched into the lane next to him and tried to run him off the road. Sarah Palin’s Hawaiian cousin pulled up next to him and turned the inside of her minivan into a classroom at Road Rage Elementary by teaching the poor kid next to her how to properly overreact and go insane on a driver. I believe the children are our future and I believe we owe it to them to teach them useful words like ASS-HOLE. This crazy mom agrees with me, obviously. Ryan says that he eventually drove into the parking lot of a shopping center. Dude should’ve driven into the parking lot of a weed dispensary, because angry mom definitely needed a dose of the good shit. After he drove into the parking, angry minivan mom jumped out, got in his face, called him a “fat boy” and threatened to “fuck him up.”
If Lifetime did a reboot of Falling Down for the minivan-driving set, that video would be its trailer.
After the video went viral, the NOT THE ONE minivan mom told KITV4 that she doesn’t regret bringing the crazy on him, but she does regret spitting out a bunch of fuck words.
Tom Brady is on the cover of Man of the World (via People), but the verbal fart bubbles he dribbled out to the magazine sound like they came straight out of Toddler of the Playpen Monthly. Tom tells the magazine that he always wants attention from Gisele Bundchen and when she doesn’t give him the attention he wants, he goes full Bieber by whining and throwing a tantrum as their two little kids throw a side-eye that says: “Will you idiotic bitches grow up and get on our maturity level already?” The overgrown man child spat this up to MOTW:
“I like attention from her, so when I’m not getting it I let her know in immature ways, like a young, immature child would. You throw fits and you pout and you whine until you get what you want.
She’s on to me, she knows all of my tricks. So now I have to learn new tricks.”
And suddenly, just like that, Bridget Moynahan doesn’t feel so bad about Tom Brady dumping her ass for a supermodel while their unborn baby was growing in her uterus. The sound of a bullet whizzing by Bridget Moynahan sounds exactly like Tom Brady wailing as his big fists pound on the floor.
Tom continued to paint his marriage with colors of maturity and healthiness by saying that Gisele is always nagging him, but that’s okay, because wimmuns always be nagging. That’s what they do:
“I’m a guy, what doesn’t she get on me for? That’s just what wives do.”
Tom was talking to Men of the World Magazine, so maybe Tom was mostly joking and thought that the men of the world wanted him to say that wives are nagging bitches and husbands are pouty man babies. But you know, I can totally picture Gisele nagging at Tom to finish his chicken fangers while barbecue sauce is smeared all over his mouth and he screams about how he wants to go outside for splash splash fun in the pool.
If Tom was being serious, then somebody should tell Gisele that she can easily shut down every fit that Tantrum Tommy throws. Every time he starts to whine, all she has to say to shut him up is, “Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., if you don’t stop now, there will be no more slidey times for you!”
Game point: Gis
To promote their movie Clouds of Sils Maria, Juliette Binoche and the human equivalent of a crumpled up paper bag full of spray paint fumes had a conversation for the German edition of Interview Magazine. As Celebitchy points out, Juliette Binoche and Kristen Stewart’s talk was translated by a Kristen Stewart fan from the Russian edition of Interview. So the interview was done in English, then translated into German, then translated into Russian, then translated back into English. Or it was translated from KStew’s mumble speak into English, then into Russian and back into English. Whatever the case may be, there was a lot of translating going on and so shit could’ve gotten twisted in translation. But then again this wouldn’t be the first time that KStew has dribbled out a shit nugget of humbleness.
During most of the interview, Juliette and KStew have their lips attached to each other’s asses. KStew only pried her lips off of Juliette’s nalgas to press them against her own ass. Juliette and KStew got into talking about doing big-budget Hollywood movies and indies. KStew hates it when people say you should do one role for yourself and one role for the audience. KStew only does roles for herself (Side note: It shows, bitch, it shows). KStew then redefined the meaning of “humble” by saying that she’s a magical genie and all she has to do is snap her fingers to get a role.