I’ve seen that face before. That’s the face I get whenever I tell Michael K that I think Prince William is the hotter brother.
As if you couldn’t already tell by the picture above, Penelope Cruz had a “Bitch, you better talk to your research department” moment during an interview with the Today Show yesterday. Towards the end of the interview, Savannah Guthrie, a woman whose name sounds like a clothing store for southern moms who think Chico’s is “too tarty“, made the mistake of asking Penelope Cruz about her ugly feet. Penny (who was dressed like a fancy pilot for some reason) was a ballet dancer before she was an actress. And I guess Savannah wanted to ask her about her feet because she heard they look like Quasi Modo’s puppies after all those years in pointe shoes. The only problem is, Penelope Cruz doesn’t have ugly feet, SAVANNAH. The awkwardness all happens around the 4:15 mark.
“You have ugly feet” is a pretty random nugget of trivia to know about someone. Did nobody think to double-check that? Who at the Today show was drunk enough to let that whoopsie slip though? It was totally Kathie Lee Gifford screwing around with the teleprompter, wasn’t it?
So the good news is Penelope Cruz has officially killed any rumor that she has fugly feet. The bad news is she’s about to receive a whole lot of creepy phone calls from foot fetish king Quentin Tarantino. “Hey Penelope! So I just caught your interview on the Today show, and I heard you talking about your feet. Are you also still married to Anton Chigurh? You are? Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I guess I’ll try again later.“
No longer content with being little more than the memory of a bygone reality era (remember when we used to watch shows about bland bowls of oatmeal staring at each other?) Kristin Chevy Cavalier keeps reaching for that rainbow of relevancy by telling us more about vaccinations, specifically how vaccinations are bad, m’kay? On Tuesday night’s episode of Watch What Happens Live, viewers got to watch what happens when you ask Kristin to rub two brain cells together (LIVE!) and explain just why she’s not vaccinating her two crotch droppings:
Andy Cohen: “We got a lot of questions, Kristin, about your stand on vaccines. Kat George wants to know ‘How can you knowingly support the spread of potentially deadly diseases by not vaccinating your children?'”
Kristin Clamato Cocktail: “Here’s the thing: At the end of the day, I’m just a mom. I’m trying to make the best decision for my kid. There are very scary statistics out there regarding what is in vaccines and what they cause – asthma, allergies, ear infections, all kinds of things. And we feel like we’re making the best decision for our kids.”
You know things aren’t good when it’s plausible that swapping out Kristin for Heidi Montag might raise the intelligence level. So basically, she’s not vaccinating her kids because she saw something that Lo Bosworth liked on Jen Bunney’s Facebook page, is taking it as 100% truth (because if her eyes read it, it must be true, and also because research is hard and facts are too factual) and continuing to scatter vaccination conspiracy theories across the nation like a dum-dum Johnny Appleseed.
And isn’t it just too rich when a trick schools you on the dangers of toxic chemicals while wearing a face full of eyelash glue, a noxious spray tan, and 10 lbs of bleach-dipped fake hair?
I suppose now she’ll want us to change her name to Ariana Grande Soy Latte. Ugh, do you know how much paperwork it takes to legally change a name? How rude. I don’t have the time to wait in a government line for 6 hours before being told I filled out the wrong form. I don’t care how much you hate cows and their milk, you’re staying as Ariana Grande Latte.
Instead of tackling the hard-hitting issues that affect the world of Ariana Grande, such as “Why do you always look like an American Girl doll going to prom?” V Magazine instead chose to break Rule No.1 of preventing an interview from going off the tracks by asking Ariana about her vegan lifestyle. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible to talk about being a vegan without sounding patronizingly smug – it is possible – but talking to a 20-year-old about why they’re vegan? Whole other story:
“In America, almost everybody thinks you need to have meat for protein. Protein, protein, protein! And what’s in dairy? Calcium, calcium, calcium. It’s those kinds of proteins that latch onto the insides of your blood- stream and make it easier for you to have a heart attack. Look, cows produce milk withnutrients for cows. Maybe that’s why Americans end up looking like cows! Ultimately, no one wants cow tit pus in their food, do they?”
Ex-cue-sah-you biiiiiiitch. Some of us love cow tit pus and don’t care for the attitude; nobody throws that much shade at my favorite Baileys mixer and gets away with it. I honestly could give a shit what people put in their mouths, whether it be seitan nuggets or Satan’s nut sack (“Ooh, lemme just wipe off my lipgloss first” – Kris Jenner) but I refuse to take unsolicited advice from an un-smart young one about how I need to stop drinking Peanut Butter Fudge Shakes from Sonic. BECAUSE I NEVER WILL (until they remove them from the menu, in which case I’ll have the #5 combo of slow wall-slide with a side of inconsolable weeping).
And because you haven’t seen it a billion and one times, here’s more of Ariana Grande Steamed Milk in V making the same ‘trying to stealthily squeeze out a difficult tofu fart’ expression she always does:
(Pics: V Magazine)
Yes, I picked this picture of Sir Patrick Stewart and Sir Ian McKellen on purpose, and not because Sir Pat stuffing a wiener in his mouth while wearing a muscle shirt is 3 shades south of gay (if hot dogs in your mouth-hole is gay, then consider me Liberace snuggling a pomeranian on a pile of Rojo Caliente’s best flannel shirts). It’s adorable picture of two pals wearing matching hats and eating snacks at Coney Island and it makes me feel warm and snuggly inside. We should all be so lucky to have a best pal to wear matching clothes and eat snacks with.
The next time Tommy Girl decides to sue the pants off someone for calling him gay, he should stop for a second and remember how Sir Pat would handle the situation, because it will make him about a 1000 times more likeable. After Ellen Page’s public confirmation that she’s a teeny-tiny gayelle, The Guardian wrote a story about the endless praise and congratulations she received on Twitter, including a very nice tweet from Professor Xavier himself. However, I guess they forgot about his recent wedding to a lady because they wrote:
“Some gay people, such as Sir Patrick Stewart, think Page’s coming out speech is newsworthy because a high-profile and surprisingly politically aware young actress has decided not to play by the rules that so many closeted Hollywood actors are advised to follow if they are to enjoy mainstream success.”
Even though his best friend forever is an out-and-proud gay, Sir Pat is not. But instead of putting The Guardian on blast on Twitter or gift wrapping a defamation lawsuit, he politely reminded everyone that he wouldn’t be making the internet’s dreams come true by divorcing his wife and marrying Gandalf any time soon:
— Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) February 18, 2014
Well, @guardian it makes for a nice change…at least I didn't wake up to the internet telling me I was dead again.
— Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) February 18, 2014
The Guardian has since changed it from “Some gay people” to “Some people”, but it’s too late! The damage has already been done. You can’t casually refer to Sir Pat as gay and not expect the minds of every internet dork to be blown into a million pieces when they picture Professor Xavier asking Magneto for his hand in marriage. I hope The Guardian has a good lawyer, because they’re about to find themselves the subject of a class-action lawsuit (The Guardian vs. The People’s Extreme Happiness).
(Pic: Patrick Stewart)