Joaquin Phoenix Announced He Was Getting Married To His Yoga Instructor Last Night, Confirms This Morning That It Was A Joke
That might be the most Joaquin Phoenix-y sentence I have ever written. Last night, Joaquin Phoenix – the greasy bag of human crazy that I so would – announced during an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman that he was engaged to his yoga instructor. The last time we checked in on Qui Qui’s love life, he was dating a 19-year-old DJ named Allie Teilz. But I guess he got tired of constantly explaining to her what Seinfeld was or something, because Joaquin confessed that he had met the “the one” and it was the woman teaching him how to do a move called “harnessing the hog” (funny, that’s the same term the Mad Men costume department uses when talking about fitting Jon Hamm for pants):
“First we do these breathing exercises and I go, ‘I can do this’…and then she says we are going to get in the first position — the “harnessing of the hog’. Before I can say, ‘Who is the hog?’ She grabs me — and it’s a compromising and vulnerable position — and she gets a strap [around me] and she’s thrusting [against] me and I go, ‘Oh, no! My back pain!’ And she goes, ‘No, that’s your emotional back pain’. This is the crazy part of the story – we started dating, and I think she’s the one. I proposed to her and she said yes.”
Awwww, so sweet! Except for the fact that Qui Qui’s story was total bullshit. Joaquin appeared on GMA this morning and admitted that he made the whole thing up because his life is boring and he wanted the audience at The Late Show to like him. Obviously, this isn’t the first time Qui Qui has fucked with David Letterman; remember when he was still doing that performance art piece about looking like a matted crotch scab on drain cleaner?
So he’s not engaged. That’s actually a real bummer, because I was really looking forward to Joaquin’s messy interpretation of a wedding. I just pictured Joaquin and his yoga instructor girlfriend riding down the back alley of a secret hipster baron the back of dude dressed like a cockroach while a punk band made up of 89-year-old grandmothers scream a backwards version of Ave Maria.
And here’s Qui Qui before and after he faked an engagement for attention last night on The Late Show:
The world’s most famous “Cool Mom” Madonna recently sat down for an interview with drowsy-looking magician David Blaine (because I guess even the word random feels the needs to reinvent itself sometimes) for Interview Magazine, as well as a tits-out photo shoot, because it’s Madonna, and if she doesn’t take a couple pictures with her tits out, did the interview even really happen? Exactly. Also, the interview was as boring as watching paint dry at Blake Lively’s house, so they needed something to keep people from falling into a coma, and what better way than 16 heavily Photoshopped half-naked pictures of Madonna?
Although I’m not entirely sure the above person is Madonna; it actually looks more like a fan drawing of Detox from RuPaul’s Drag Race. It also looks like what you’d get if Kim Kardashian put on one of Jessica Lange’s Elsa Mars wigs from American Horror Story and a pair of blue contact lenses. Then again, Madonna is pretty much 97% Gaussian blur in Photoshop now, so saying “This looks nothing like Madonna” is like a riddle wrapped in a conundrum dipped in existentialism.
Regardless, I am having a real hard time trying to figure out what’s going on with her boob situation. Why did they decide to Photoshop her cleavage to look like a science class textbook picture of cell division? Those aren’t boobs! That’s one boob that decided to split into two.
Here’s the rest of Madonna’s Interview photo shoot, including one NSFW nipple shot (“Outta my way!” cried no one) and a couple where she looks like Hannibal Lecter trying to disguise himself as a horny attention-starved cougar:
The last time we checked in on Lady Gaga, she was pledging her allegiance to her fans, the Little Monsters, by getting the severed hand of a witch suffering from a chronic case of eczema tattooed on her left shoulder. Because nothing says “I love you guys” like a rash-covered claw, right? Anyways, last night she decided to prove her love to the Little Monsters once again and got the words “Mother Monster” with some paisley swirls tattooed just below her armpit. Move over, rashy claw – you’re old news! Go join the 36 other tattoos floating randomly around Gaga’s body.
Just like last time, Gaga made sure to Instagram 4 million pictures of the whole thing, including a video featuring an extreme close-up of her stubble-covered armpit. I know armpits are normal and everybody has them, but good lord, are they ever gross when you get in that close. Seeing Gaga’s reminded me of the first time I tried to wax my own sub-basement and – you know what? I’m stopping there. Gaga’s armpit is already too much, I don’t need you dry heaving over my parts too.
And it’s great that Gaga got another tattoo for her fans, but did she really have to specify that she’s the Mother Monster? That would be like if Jimmy Buffett got a tattoo that said “Papa Parrothead“. The Parrotheads know who their leader is! I would assume the Little Monsters are the same.
Here’s Lady Gaga showing off her new armpit tattoo in some kind of Lisa Frank drug fart onesie while taking her dog for a walk in Manchester today, and then changing into something equally weird and adding a helmet:
The first time we saw horny human joint Miley Cyrus and Patrick Schwarzenegger, they were leaving Patrick’s apartment the morning after what many assumed was a night filled with Miley twerking her mudflaps against Patrick’s crotch and asking if he’d want to see her “sex mouse”. And now it looks like they’ve upgraded their relationship from We Might Be Fucking to Oh Yeah, We Fucking. Congrats, you two crazy kids!
Miley and Patrick decided to take their love public last night at a USC Trojans football game by taking selfies of themselves slobbering all over each other, and luckily a pap was there to catch the whole thing. That’s so great, because how many times have you tried to take a picture of you pretending to make out with your current fuck partner and thought “I really wish I had a picture of this from several different angles”? All the time, right? Not to mention that a college football game is the perfect place to announce to the world that you’re officially fucking, since there’s no more hallowed ground for horny crotch-bumping youngins than the jizz-sprayed bleachers of a football field.
And in case you’re wondering why a GED recipient from Billy Bob’s Backwoods Book Learnin’ Academy is wearing head-to-toe USC colors, it’s because Patrick went there. Then again, Miley could just be wearing it because she likes Trojans. “I also like LifeStyles and Durex and the ones which you gets from the gas station vending machines that taste like strawberry! Thems mah favorite!”
Because Khloe Kartrashian is Pimp Mama Kris’ second hardest-whoring fame ho, she made sure that Kim Kartrashian’s greasy James and the Giant Peach ass didn’t inhale all of the attention last night. Right before Kim Kartrashian’s BP oil spill ass suffocated the Internet and left greasy dingles all over our screens, Khloe Kartrashian scratched her LOOK AT ME spot (“Um, isn’t that trick one big giant LOOK AT ME spot?” – you) by Instagramming a meme that is older than the pentagram that PMK tattooed on her ass lips after solidifying her pact with the devil.
After King Koopa Kardashian shat up the joke that has been told a million times before, some of her Instagram followers screamed “RACIST!” and were shocked that a low-down dirty fame fucker whose demon heart feeds on attention would actually do something for attention. Once Khlozilla started getting hit with poop bombs of hate, she deleted her post, because she knew that someone already took a screen shot of it and a thousand blog posts would be written about it. I know, I fell for those whores’ tricks again!
The Slow One’s piece Scott Isadick also farted up the meme on Instagram and added the note “And a jew.” Unlike Khlozilla, Scott hasn’t taken it down.
Never mind the fact that this meme is outdated since the KKK redefined WTF by announcing that they want black, gay, jewish and hispanic members, I’m holding onto my crucifix tight and have my vat of holy water ready, because I know Pimp Mama Kris is going to try to top both of her hos. Khloe re-told an old KKK joke and Kim hit the Internet with her oily ass cheeks, so I fully expect PMK to “leak” a sex tape of her doing her man in a plastic pool full of lube while wearing a white hood.
I stared at this picture of Beyoncé boarding a plane in France for a good 15 minutes in an attempt to determine whether she was breaking in her Publicity’s Choice 1st trimester pillow or just wearing a roomy sweater. My verdict? I’m sorry your honor, but I couldn’t come to a decision because I was too distracted by the busted sticker-looking mess on her arms and leg. Good god girl, step away from the stickers! You look like a damn daycare!
According to MediaTakeOut, Jay-Z might have spilled they Bey-eans (I hate myself for typing that, don’t worry) last night during one of their final “On The Run” concerts in Paris. Joe Camel reportedly hinted that a certain someone might be knocked-up with the second chosen Illuminati child when he changed the lyrics to the song “Beach is Better” from “Niggas asking if the oven’s on” to “Niggas asking, cause she pregnant with another one“. If you have family who live in Paris, now is the time to call them and make sure they’re still alive after the massive tsunami of Bumblebey tears fell from their eyes and destroyed the city.
Jay-Z never actually names Beyoncé as the one with fetus fever, so for all we know he could be rapping about Duchess Kate and the recent announcement that she’s pregnant with her second royal freeloader. But it’s probably about Beyoncé. “Everything is about Beyoncé” – Beyoncé.
Call me a skeptic, but I don’t think Yawn-cé is currently renting her womb to Blue Ivy’s sister or brother. Announcing your pregnancy by changing the lyrics to a song is a classic stunt queen move, but it’s not nearly dramatic enough. This is probably more of a pre-announcement announcement. When Jay-Z says she’s “pregnant with another one“, he’s not using the word pregnant to describe being knocked-up; that clever camel is using the alternate definition of pregnant, as in “full of meaning; significant or suggestive”. A week later, Beyoncé will post a picture of a First Response piss-stick with the caption: “The test came back positive! I’m pregnant…WITH A NEW ALBUM!!!!” Then when the album finally comes out (titled BEY-BY NO. 2) the album art will be a picture of a sonogram and the first music video will be footage of Blue Ivy holding her hair back as she throws up into a toilet. It’s all about the long game for Bey.
Two Master Stunt Queens Attempted To Put On A Convincing Show At The “Made In America” Festival This Weekend
Okay, this is starting to get goddamn ridiculous. Even though I know and you know and your dog knows that the current state of Beyoncé and Jay-Z’s relationship is hovering somewhere around the attic of a haunted house (ie: it’s been dead for so long, it’s now officially a ghost), they’re still hustling this tired come-to-life Heart Family bullshit like we’re all a bunch of gullible rubes. Except nobody’s buying what they’re selling! It’s gotten to the point where I’m pretty sure that even members of the Beygency are like “Girl, stop.”
And yet, these two continue to pull out their stale loaf of love bread and make stunt queen sandwiches for the never-ending publicity pic-a-nic that is their lives. Yawnce and Joe Camel decided to follow up their display of affection at the VMAs last weekend (for real, what in camel hell was that) by snuggling on each other at the “Made in America” festival in Los Angeles on Sunday night, and it was..something. I mean, it wasn’t nearly as tacky and blatant as their PDA performance at the VMAs, but it was still pretty awkward.
I know a couple of people who are deeply in love (myself and Doritos don’t count), and it would be really weird to see them pulling the kind of stiff Sears Portrait Studio poses that Bey and Jay were working on Sunday night. Did they take classes from the Lance Bass Modeling School? They’re SO awkward! They look like a stock image from a Christian sex toy website, but not one of the freaky horn-horn-for-Jesus ones (they exist, trust me), the other kind – the boring ones that refer to dildos as “marital aids.” I’m so surfbored.
But the thing that’s bothering me most of all is that everything is so damn red! Was the “Made in America” festival held in a high school dark room?
Oh my god, here we go again: another totally subtle Instagram picture from the stunt queen of damage control, Beyoncé. YES, AGAIN. I swear to god, I legit expect to turn on my alarm clock and hear “I Got You Babe” or run into Stephen Tobolowsky, because this “Divorce? What divorce? Wink!” shit is starting to feel like a goddamn sequel to Groundhog Day. Except there’s no Bill Murray, no pie, and the only furry creature is the one attached to a lacefront glued securely to Bey’s forehead (and as far as I know, it can’t predict the weather).
Because it’s a day that ends in Y, the extremely private Beyoncé posted this completely spontaneous picture of herself wearing only a jersey with her husband’s last name on the back and the number 4, which is the Illuminati number for all things Bey-Z: Bey’s birthday (09/04), Jay-Z’s birthday (12/04), their wedding anniversary (04/04), and the number of times a day Beyoncé has to tell Solange to get back in the basement. Rather than stick with tradition and caption the picture something totally cheesy, like “This booty is 4 Carter” or some shit, she simply captioned it with an emoji of a kiss (I guess because an emoji of a tired publicity stunt hasn’t been invented yet).
At this point Beyoncé is trolling us, right? She has to be. There’s no way she honestly believes that this charade is working. I think it’s less about convincing us she’s still weave-over-heels in love with Joe Camel and more like an elaborate hoax. Beyoncé IS Andy Kaufman! Beyoncé will follow up this picture with the release of a remix to “Drunk in Love” called “Camel-Flavored Kisses”, followed by a picture of her at a tattoo parlour getting the words “4 (GET IT??) EVER” written on her neck, then Instagram a selfie at City Hall to show that she’s legally changed her name from Beyoncé Knowles-Carter to Cartér Knowles-Carter. I see you, Beyoncé!
The Internet Is Not Happy That Bethenny Frankel Took A Picture Wearing Her 4-Year-Old Daughter’s Pajamas
Failed talk-show host and successful Joker look-a-like Bethenny Frankel must have really started missing all the attention she got during her messy divorce, so on Sunday she decided to rustle up some attention by posting a picture of herself wearing her 4-year-old daughter Bryn’s Hello Kitty pyjamas to Instagram with the question: “Think we’re ready to start sharing clothes yet?”. Bethenny didn’t need an answer, since Hello Kitty’s unimpressed face pretty much speaks for all of us (“Is this bitch for real?”). But some people decided that since Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, they would speak on her behalf. According to UsWeekly, some commenters on Instagram were surprised that the woman who named her company Skinnygirl would have the audacity to prove how skinny she is. One commenter wrote:
“I would just caution doing this as she gets more impressionable. She needs to develop a healthy self image because she may not have all of your genes…and it won’t be obvious to you, but it will look as though you are competing with her.”
While another wrote:
“Really don’t think your sending your daughter a good message:/she probably thinks wow my mom’s a lot older than me and can fit my clothes, so I must be really big for my age.”
Then a user named @BruceWayne replied:
“Nice disguise, but I still know it’s you, Joker.”
Bethenny didn’t have time to reply to every comment because she was too busy seeing if she could still squeeze into her daughter’s newborn clothes, but she did take a break to Tweet that she didn’t give a skinny fuck about what a bunch of anonymous Instagram haters thought:
“And if she just so happens to also want u to take a picture looking like a malnourished Hello Kitty superhero and post it to social media, then u do that too, becuz u gotta start teaching them about the fame whore game as young as u can.”
I know, how dare I; Scarface’s glamorous sister would never leave the house looking like a dumpy Long Island party girl who trades sloppy hand jobs for $5 worth of speed and a ride to Burger King.
Proving once again that they’re the most brilliant con-artist of our time, Lady Gaag’s lazy-ass stylist pilfered a grimy wig and a shitty shirt from the bus station lost and found, grabbed a pair of fishnets and boots from under the bed, deemed it POST-MODERN HIGH-ART HOOKER, and dropped it off to Gaag in a Hefty bag with an invoice for $3000. And since Gaag still needs to hustle ARTPOP and that damn ARTPOP Magic 8 Ball Tour or whatever it’s called, she shook the cigarette butts and loose change from the wig and cut them a check.
Lady Gaag was spotted out in New York earlier today dressed like the skanky 1st grade teacher at my elementary school who always wore 4-inch white leather pumps and smoked du Maurier Avanti’s in her Trans Am in the parking lot. I’ll always remember her because one time she subbed in for our teacher and I asked her to help me spell something, and she told me to use a “magic squiggle”, which was literally just a fucking wiggly line. She probably invented it one night after attempting to write a fan letter to Tom Selleck and realizing she’d drank too many wine coolers (yes, this was the 80s, and yes, she probably tried to write the letter using one of these). Don’t get me wrong, she was alagant as hell, but she was also a busted mess.
Here’s more of Lady Gaag reminding us just how quickly one can run out of ideas by working some third-rate Rick James drag queen realness in New York earlier today.