Hot on the heels of fellow How Is She Still A Thing? club member Rita Ora, Iggy Azalea has decided to get herself a lil’ slice of attention pie by uttering this week’s phrase that pays, “Becky.” That’s right, Iggy Azalea wants you to know that she definitely is NOT a Becky with good, bad or any other kind of hair. She is not a Becky at all and doesn’t want you calling her that.
Because self-awareness and dignity are not things Kris’s Kadets learn, Kimmy Krapdashian surprised no one when she tried to make last night about her. Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy… The waxed ball of butt implants decided to post a bunch of thirst trap pictures to Twitter and number them countdown/art serial number style while Beyonce’s Lemonade was airing on HBO last night. Koincedence? I think not. The black and white snaps are close-ups of legs and tits and her face, basically what comes to mind when you think of her. They’re also just krappy pictures kropped krappily with a black and white filter thrown in to try and make you think Kim is entering her “artist” phase.
I’d say this is the first sign of end times, but this is an event far unholier than any of that. I’m pretty sure even the Four Horsemen are nervously thinking, “What’s happening? I’m scared“, as the sound of Kris Jenner gleefully cackling echoes around them.
Yesterday afternoon, in what was probably an attempt to yank some attention away from His Majesty Prince (or at least try to distract our eyes from that beautiful video of him kicking her older sister off stage), Kylie Jenner posed for some social media selfies with Blac Chyna. That’s right – Kylie Jenner just so happened to make friends with the kurrent biggest kramp in the Kardashian’s rubber asses and her sworn enemy on the day a legend died.
I guess going all of six weeks without seeing his name in the news accompanied by the words “… started ranting about (insert name of famous person)” was irritating Kanye West’s attention-hole, because he recently dragged a famous person into a rant. This time it was his on-again/off-again enemy Taylor Swift. Billboard says that Kanye once again got into his never-ending messy relationship with her during a concert in the Philippines on Saturday.
It’s been approximately 45 seconds since Blac Chyna squirted out that THOTful Instagram post where she made it clear that she’s bumping her humongous stress ball ass cheeks against Rob Kardashian’s FUPA. Since then, Pimp Mama Kris has really made the most of this family “scandal” by probably leaking stories about how Kylie Jenner is mad about her brother doing her boyfriend’s baby mother and how the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is using Rob. They’re pissed because only they are allowed to use a ho for cheap publicity!
But really, I guess Rob finally picked up a script, because today he posted that note and SANS FARDS picture of Blac Chyna on Instagram. Handymen are probably busy loosening the Botox in Kim Kartrashian’s mug with chisels so that her cry face looks sort of natural when she shoots her response to that Instagram post for the season finale of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians. TMZ also posted a pro-Blac Chyna story that claims she’s helping him lose the chunk and get healthy.
Sources close to the unexpected couple tell TMZ, Chyna has been a positive influence on Rob because she’s helping him get back in shape.
We’re told Chyna introduced Rob to her personal trainer about a month ago, and since then they’ve done several intense workouts together.
So let’s see, Blac Chyna is the enemy of the Kartrashians who is healing Rob’s sugar-filled heart and is helping him once again rebel against his family of fame whores. I see that Pimp Mama Kris is blatantly stealing storylines from soap operas now. Let’s hope that she steals her next storyline from One Life to Live and her entire family gets trapped in an underground city far away from civilization!
Not content to let her ex-husband cause a massive nationwide drought with his latest thirst-quenching stunt, Miranda Lambert – seen above snuggling some sort of Brooklyn Bill Gates impersonator – decided to get in on the action too. And frankly, I’m SHOCKED it took this long. Shortly after Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton took their marriage out behind Pa’s barn and gave it the Old Yeller treatment back in July, rumors started going around that she practically had an air traffic controller directing dick to her coochie. So naturally I assumed she’d be the first to rebound.
Sadly, I underestimated the power of a desperate publicity team and it turned out Blake would beat her to it with Gwen Stefani (who are currently gunning for an ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Achievement Award). Miranda, however decided to take a much more subtle and traditional approach: she threw up a picture of herself and her new man in matching floppy hats to Instagram with the caption “The snuggle is real.” No public FaceTime chats? No shameless pop/country crossover duet? How positively quaint.
According to People, the hipster elf snuggling under Miranda’s blanket is a 27-year-old R&B singer named Anderson East. My initial response to that was to side-eye Miranda for breaking the half-your-age-plus-7 rule, but apparently she’s only 32. In which case, get it girl! Get that fresh five-years-younger rebound dick!
Speaking of quaint, here’s one-half of Stefon (I know, how DARE sully Stefon’s good name like that) doing her weekly pap walk at the nail salon with her phone screen in full view. And for once in what seems like forever, there isn’t a crystal-clear FaceTime call with Blake Shelton on it. But…but she always has a public FaceTime call with Blake Shelton open on her phone! Something is very wrong here – there’s clearly a disturbance in the attention whore force. Hold me, I’m scared.
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
“Hey girls, meet your new sister – Katniss Kardashian! Yes, she’s about 28 lbs too light in the ass, but I’m sure a couple visits to the Kardashian Khompound’s In-House Rump Plumper will take care of that.”
Sometime late last night, Satan’s right-hand hooker and reason for upgrading his phone plan to include call display, Kris Jenner, wrapped her hooves around America’s Fart-Ripping Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, summoned one of her minions to take a picture, and released to the internet. I’ve seen The Exorcist, I know what’s happening here – this is what it looks like the moment before you’re about to be possessed by a dark-sided social-climbing demon. (Crosses self, reaches for the holy water) I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, and an extra-large pepperoni pizza. Back away from the legitimate celebrity, Kris!
“Happy Birthday you piece of shit… God I love you #Jenniferlawrence thanks for making this night a night to remember…..even if we did get caught… I love you Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!! #Bible #momager #doll”
Somewhere in a giant pile of unsold socks, Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest earner Rob Kardashian read the words “you piece of shit” and got a little jealous.
I still have no idea what Kris Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence were doing in the same picture. I guess the only explanation I can come to is that a hungry hungry JLaw uttered the words “I’d do anything for a dozen deep-fried donut-glazed chicken wings” in her kitchen one night, at which point Lucifer appeared through a firey hole in her kitchen floor and hissed “I think I can arrange that. The only thing is, you’re going to have to do some truly despicable shit for them.” Then Lucifer escorted JLaw to a hotel room containing an iPhone and the Pimp Mistress (who took one look at JLaw, started thinking about how much attention she was about to receive, and nearly blew out the load-bearing beam in her nose by hyperventilating too hard). You know JLaw was probably like “Is it too late to sell you my soul instead?”
Since every trick, tramp and trollop has served her chichis and ass on Instagram this summer, Xtina has waved her hand and screamed, “Don’t forget about meeeeee,” from the back of the room by posting a picture her half-naked body in nothing but a pair of pink chonies. Xtina told her Instagram followers that she wants to show more of herself and be real and what’s more real than posting a picture that was practically taken in the dark, ran through Photoshop a couple of times and covered in Instagram filters? That truly is the definition of “real.”
Just so you know with me, it’s all real, all the time. Felt like it was time to start sharing some personal stuff with you guys… And it’s just the beginning. Night night. X
You know, I’m all for Xtina getting into the ho shit fun on Instagram, but this is not the way to do it. This is not how you present your half-naked bathroom selfie body. There are many things wrong with this picture, but I’m just going to cover a few:
1. TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS! I know Xtina was going for ~moody~ and ~mysterious~ and shit, but this isn’t a Brian DePalma movie. This is a bathroom selfie. How are we even supposed to know it’s her when it’s dark as all hell in there? If you told me that was my friend James pushing two pan dulces against his chest with his elbows while wearing a pair of VS PINK panties, I would not call you a liar.
2. The hell is that scary shadow behind her? I’m sure it’s just another statue since Xtina obviously wants her bathroom to look like a fancy Pier 1. But can the statue please make itself useful and do something like turn on the damn lights?
3. The minute I saw this picture, my eyes went directly to the gigantic rubber ducky on the side. That rubber ducky is in the darkness, but it’s still sucking in all the attention. Never ever pose with a rubber ducky if you want all eyes on you. A giant rubber ducky is like Uggie the dog. It will steal the scene without even trying.
If Nicki Minaj’s use of the words “baby” and “father” are true, then there’s a tiny fetus with Nicki’s original butt chilling out underneath that busted off-brand Ice Capades costume. TMZ says that during a Pinkprint Tour show in Burgettstown, PA last night, Nicki Minaj put the stunt in ohyoushamelessstuntqueenyou by vaguely referring to her maybe fiance and the star of Drake’s most recent tear-stained diary entry Meek Mill “my baby father.” Meek responded by smiling and blushing on the outside, and hollering “Ha ha! Looks like you can upgrade my job title” in Drake’s direction on the inside. And somewhere in Destiny’s Castle, Beyonce is slow-clapping for Nicki’s expert-level attention-grabbing possible pregnancy announcement skills.
— marcus (@MarcusMraz) August 9, 2015
Nicki didn’t exactly confirm that Meek’s anaconda slithered up inside her inside parts and covered her eggs in hollandaise, and so far she’s said nothing on Twitter (that’s a first), so who knows if she’s actually pregnant. Although she did sort of fan the flames on Instragram by posting a group picture from after the show and captioning it “My beautiful babies.” Meanwhile, MediaTakeOut has been saying since June that she’s knocked up, so this could be Nicki’s way of announcing that she’s with fetus.
If she is pregnant, then I cannot wait for two things. One, the bonkers-to-Mars-and-back name she gives it. Boy or girl, my guess is Myx Moscato™ (alien symbols) Minaj Mill or More Royal Than Lil Kim’s Baby Royal Reign. Two, seeing how jealous her ass gets when her stomach eclipses it in size. Yes, I see a ass vs. stomach parking lot slap fight sometime in the second trimester (my money’s on ass).