If you didn’t know who Claudia Jordan was, you learned who she was yesterday when she made WORLDWIDE HEADLINES for confirming that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are bumping nipples. Claudia (who was in The Real Housewives of Atlanta was Briefcase Model #1 on Deal or No Deal) is friends with Jamie, and on the Allegedly podcast yesterday, she earned a dozen thirst points by saying that he’s very happy with Katie Holmes. But somebody (read: Suri) must have gotten to Claudia and told her to fix it, because now she’s backpedalling so hard that she’s probably developed six-packs on her calves.
After Claudia said that Jamie and Katie are very happy, she told Entertainment Tonight that she had no idea what she was talking about. If there was video footage of Claudia on the Allegedly podcast, you’d clearly see her spreading her ass cheeks open in front of a mic to let her b-hole do the talking, because that info about Jamie and Katie has as much weight as a fart. Claudia told ET that she has no idea if FoxHol is real, she’s never seem them together, Jamie has never told her that they’re together and she “misspoke.” The clip is actually kind of funny, because Claudia keeps repeating herself and wants to nail it into our brains that she knows nothing about FoxHol. If you looked into her head, you’d see her brain jizzing from a camera being on her, but you’d also see her praying that Jamie Foxx doesn’t kick her out of his entourage.
Or maybe it wasn’t Jamie or Katie who got to Claudia. Maybe just maybe Katie has some weird agreement with Tom Cruise and Scientology to not let her relationships go public. Maybe it was Tommy who got to Claudia. I mean, Claudia does look like she’s trying not to laugh while remembering the moment when Little Lord Tommy got in her face and threatened her while standing on a stack of phone books on an apple box.
And since I brought up Claudia’s ass, here it is in an old bikini photo shoot a few years ago:
One day – ONE DAY – after she dramatically announced she was quitting Twitter and Instagram in an attempt to stop herself from “sayin shit“, Demi Lovato is back. I honestly thought she’d at least be able to make it to Friday, but no. Clearly the only thing worse than negative attention was the thought of getting no attention.
Literally 24 hours after she blew her goodbye kisses to the crowd from the metaphorical balcony, she hopped back on Twitter to announce that “the haters” couldn’t stop her from tweeting whatever nonsense her fingers felt like typing. It’s just like everyone’s wise old grandfathers used to say: If you stop being a mess on social media, then the haters have truly won.
Fuck this.. I’m back bitches. And I’m coming back more honest than ever
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 21, 2016
I love my Lovatics so fucking much
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 22, 2016
I love my Lovatics too much to leave them over some lame ass haters.. What was I thinking?! 😝😂
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 22, 2016
“More honest.” Watch out, other famous people – Demi’s shit-starting quest continues! I can’t wait to see who Demi comes for next. My money is on either Meghan Trainor or that famous Instagram dog whose tongue is always hanging out.
Okay, let’s see if I can’t get this straight. Demi quit Twitter and Instagram because she finally realized she kept saying stuff that was getting her into trouble and that bad internet strangers were bothering her. But then she returned vowing to say even more stuff that will inevitably get her into trouble. You know, for the good internet strangers. Does anyone know how to get Demi’s number to Iyanla Vanzant? Because this feels like a real Fix My Life situation. You know your life needs some SuperSoul Sunday-levels of fixing when you’re crying wolf about quitting Twitter.
Hot on the heels of fellow How Is She Still A Thing? club member Rita Ora, Iggy Azalea has decided to get herself a lil’ slice of attention pie by uttering this week’s phrase that pays, “Becky.” That’s right, Iggy Azalea wants you to know that she definitely is NOT a Becky with good, bad or any other kind of hair. She is not a Becky at all and doesn’t want you calling her that.
Because self-awareness and dignity are not things Kris’s Kadets learn, Kimmy Krapdashian surprised no one when she tried to make last night about her. Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy… The waxed ball of butt implants decided to post a bunch of thirst trap pictures to Twitter and number them countdown/art serial number style while Beyonce’s Lemonade was airing on HBO last night. Koincedence? I think not. The black and white snaps are close-ups of legs and tits and her face, basically what comes to mind when you think of her. They’re also just krappy pictures kropped krappily with a black and white filter thrown in to try and make you think Kim is entering her “artist” phase.
I’d say this is the first sign of end times, but this is an event far unholier than any of that. I’m pretty sure even the Four Horsemen are nervously thinking, “What’s happening? I’m scared“, as the sound of Kris Jenner gleefully cackling echoes around them.
Yesterday afternoon, in what was probably an attempt to yank some attention away from His Majesty Prince (or at least try to distract our eyes from that beautiful video of him kicking her older sister off stage), Kylie Jenner posed for some social media selfies with Blac Chyna. That’s right – Kylie Jenner just so happened to make friends with the kurrent biggest kramp in the Kardashian’s rubber asses and her sworn enemy on the day a legend died.
I guess going all of six weeks without seeing his name in the news accompanied by the words “… started ranting about (insert name of famous person)” was irritating Kanye West’s attention-hole, because he recently dragged a famous person into a rant. This time it was his on-again/off-again enemy Taylor Swift. Billboard says that Kanye once again got into his never-ending messy relationship with her during a concert in the Philippines on Saturday.
It’s been approximately 45 seconds since Blac Chyna squirted out that THOTful Instagram post where she made it clear that she’s bumping her humongous stress ball ass cheeks against Rob Kardashian’s FUPA. Since then, Pimp Mama Kris has really made the most of this family “scandal” by probably leaking stories about how Kylie Jenner is mad about her brother doing her boyfriend’s baby mother and how the Kartrashians think that Blac Chyna is using Rob. They’re pissed because only they are allowed to use a ho for cheap publicity!
But really, I guess Rob finally picked up a script, because today he posted that note and SANS FARDS picture of Blac Chyna on Instagram. Handymen are probably busy loosening the Botox in Kim Kartrashian’s mug with chisels so that her cry face looks sort of natural when she shoots her response to that Instagram post for the season finale of Keeping Up with the Kartrashians. TMZ also posted a pro-Blac Chyna story that claims she’s helping him lose the chunk and get healthy.
Sources close to the unexpected couple tell TMZ, Chyna has been a positive influence on Rob because she’s helping him get back in shape.
We’re told Chyna introduced Rob to her personal trainer about a month ago, and since then they’ve done several intense workouts together.
So let’s see, Blac Chyna is the enemy of the Kartrashians who is healing Rob’s sugar-filled heart and is helping him once again rebel against his family of fame whores. I see that Pimp Mama Kris is blatantly stealing storylines from soap operas now. Let’s hope that she steals her next storyline from One Life to Live and her entire family gets trapped in an underground city far away from civilization!
Not content to let her ex-husband cause a massive nationwide drought with his latest thirst-quenching stunt, Miranda Lambert – seen above snuggling some sort of Brooklyn Bill Gates impersonator – decided to get in on the action too. And frankly, I’m SHOCKED it took this long. Shortly after Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton took their marriage out behind Pa’s barn and gave it the Old Yeller treatment back in July, rumors started going around that she practically had an air traffic controller directing dick to her coochie. So naturally I assumed she’d be the first to rebound.
Sadly, I underestimated the power of a desperate publicity team and it turned out Blake would beat her to it with Gwen Stefani (who are currently gunning for an ENOUGH ALREADY!!! Achievement Award). Miranda, however decided to take a much more subtle and traditional approach: she threw up a picture of herself and her new man in matching floppy hats to Instagram with the caption “The snuggle is real.” No public FaceTime chats? No shameless pop/country crossover duet? How positively quaint.
According to People, the hipster elf snuggling under Miranda’s blanket is a 27-year-old R&B singer named Anderson East. My initial response to that was to side-eye Miranda for breaking the half-your-age-plus-7 rule, but apparently she’s only 32. In which case, get it girl! Get that fresh five-years-younger rebound dick!
Speaking of quaint, here’s one-half of Stefon (I know, how DARE sully Stefon’s good name like that) doing her weekly pap walk at the nail salon with her phone screen in full view. And for once in what seems like forever, there isn’t a crystal-clear FaceTime call with Blake Shelton on it. But…but she always has a public FaceTime call with Blake Shelton open on her phone! Something is very wrong here – there’s clearly a disturbance in the attention whore force. Hold me, I’m scared.
Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’s “Don’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.
The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.
We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar
Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.
Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.
“Hey girls, meet your new sister – Katniss Kardashian! Yes, she’s about 28 lbs too light in the ass, but I’m sure a couple visits to the Kardashian Khompound’s In-House Rump Plumper will take care of that.”
Sometime late last night, Satan’s right-hand hooker and reason for upgrading his phone plan to include call display, Kris Jenner, wrapped her hooves around America’s Fart-Ripping Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, summoned one of her minions to take a picture, and released to the internet. I’ve seen The Exorcist, I know what’s happening here – this is what it looks like the moment before you’re about to be possessed by a dark-sided social-climbing demon. (Crosses self, reaches for the holy water) I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, and an extra-large pepperoni pizza. Back away from the legitimate celebrity, Kris!
“Happy Birthday you piece of shit… God I love you #Jenniferlawrence thanks for making this night a night to remember…..even if we did get caught… I love you Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!! #Bible #momager #doll”
Somewhere in a giant pile of unsold socks, Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest earner Rob Kardashian read the words “you piece of shit” and got a little jealous.
I still have no idea what Kris Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence were doing in the same picture. I guess the only explanation I can come to is that a hungry hungry JLaw uttered the words “I’d do anything for a dozen deep-fried donut-glazed chicken wings” in her kitchen one night, at which point Lucifer appeared through a firey hole in her kitchen floor and hissed “I think I can arrange that. The only thing is, you’re going to have to do some truly despicable shit for them.” Then Lucifer escorted JLaw to a hotel room containing an iPhone and the Pimp Mistress (who took one look at JLaw, started thinking about how much attention she was about to receive, and nearly blew out the load-bearing beam in her nose by hyperventilating too hard). You know JLaw was probably like “Is it too late to sell you my soul instead?”