No, I do not follow Justin Bieber on Instagram. Every time I go to his page, a cloud of maple-scented smegma hits my nostrils and I’m allergic to that, so that screen shot came from a friend who follows him on IG. Yeah, that’s it.
As everyone was busy watching the Battle of Royal Assholes between Taylor Swift and Kanye West, poor, widdle Justin Bieber sat in the corner all by his lonesome, feeling about as unwanted as a coochie at an all-gay orgy. So, the Biebs figured that since everyone’s eyes are on Taylor and Kanye bumping throbbing egos, he should squirm his way in if he wants some attention. Believe it or not, but Kanye and Kim Kartrashian’s side is now 3000% douchier, because the needy and bratty Tender Tears doll has pledged his allegiance to them.
Early this morning, the Biebs posted that picture on Instagram of him FaceTiming with Taylor’s arch rival Kanye West, and he threw in the caption, “Taylor swift what up“.
Never mind that the Biebs look like a bookworm’s badass brother who don’t read no books cause books r 4 nurrdz, that caption is just sad… It reads like that little chickenhawk is puffing up his chest at Taylor. I know that Taylor weighs about as much as an ant’s burp bubble, but she could easily end the Biebs and make his cry to Usher by flicking his forehead or by making Selena Gomez call him and say, “Justin, I love you and I miss you, let’s get back together…….. SIKE!” Maybe the Biebs will finally realize that he ain’t about that life while crying into Kanye’s lap after Selena puts an owwie on his toddler heart.
If you didn’t know who Claudia Jordan was, you learned who she was yesterday when she made WORLDWIDE HEADLINES for confirming that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are bumping nipples. Claudia (who was in The Real Housewives of Atlanta was Briefcase Model #1 on Deal or No Deal) is friends with Jamie, and on the Allegedly podcast yesterday, she earned a dozen thirst points by saying that he’s very happy with Katie Holmes. But somebody (read: Suri) must have gotten to Claudia and told her to fix it, because now she’s backpedalling so hard that she’s probably developed six-packs on her calves.
After Claudia said that Jamie and Katie are very happy, she told Entertainment Tonight that she had no idea what she was talking about. If there was video footage of Claudia on the Allegedly podcast, you’d clearly see her spreading her ass cheeks open in front of a mic to let her b-hole do the talking, because that info about Jamie and Katie has as much weight as a fart. Claudia told ET that she has no idea if FoxHol is real, she’s never seem them together, Jamie has never told her that they’re together and she “misspoke.” The clip is actually kind of funny, because Claudia keeps repeating herself and wants to nail it into our brains that she knows nothing about FoxHol. If you looked into her head, you’d see her brain jizzing from a camera being on her, but you’d also see her praying that Jamie Foxx doesn’t kick her out of his entourage.
Or maybe it wasn’t Jamie or Katie who got to Claudia. Maybe just maybe Katie has some weird agreement with Tom Cruise and Scientology to not let her relationships go public. Maybe it was Tommy who got to Claudia. I mean, Claudia does look like she’s trying not to laugh while remembering the moment when Little Lord Tommy got in her face and threatened her while standing on a stack of phone books on an apple box.
And since I brought up Claudia’s ass, here it is in an old bikini photo shoot a few years ago:
One day – ONE DAY – after she dramatically announced she was quitting Twitter and Instagram in an attempt to stop herself from “sayin shit“, Demi Lovato is back. I honestly thought she’d at least be able to make it to Friday, but no. Clearly the only thing worse than negative attention was the thought of getting no attention.
Literally 24 hours after she blew her goodbye kisses to the crowd from the metaphorical balcony, she hopped back on Twitter to announce that “the haters” couldn’t stop her from tweeting whatever nonsense her fingers felt like typing. It’s just like everyone’s wise old grandfathers used to say: If you stop being a mess on social media, then the haters have truly won.
Fuck this.. I’m back bitches. And I’m coming back more honest than ever
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 21, 2016
I love my Lovatics so fucking much
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 22, 2016
I love my Lovatics too much to leave them over some lame ass haters.. What was I thinking?! ??
— Demi Lovato (@ddlovato) June 22, 2016
“More honest.” Watch out, other famous people – Demi’s shit-starting quest continues! I can’t wait to see who Demi comes for next. My money is on either Meghan Trainor or that famous Instagram dog whose tongue is always hanging out.
Okay, let’s see if I can’t get this straight. Demi quit Twitter and Instagram because she finally realized she kept saying stuff that was getting her into trouble and that bad internet strangers were bothering her. But then she returned vowing to say even more stuff that will inevitably get her into trouble. You know, for the good internet strangers. Does anyone know how to get Demi’s number to Iyanla Vanzant? Because this feels like a real Fix My Life situation. You know your life needs some SuperSoul Sunday-levels of fixing when you’re crying wolf about quitting Twitter.
Hot on the heels of fellow How Is She Still A Thing? club member Rita Ora, Iggy Azalea has decided to get herself a lil’ slice of attention pie by uttering this week’s phrase that pays, “Becky.” That’s right, Iggy Azalea wants you to know that she definitely is NOT a Becky with good, bad or any other kind of hair. She is not a Becky at all and doesn’t want you calling her that.
Because self-awareness and dignity are not things Kris’s Kadets learn, Kimmy Krapdashian surprised no one when she tried to make last night about her. Kimmy, Kimmy, Kimmy… The waxed ball of butt implants decided to post a bunch of thirst trap pictures to Twitter and number them countdown/art serial number style while Beyonce’s Lemonade was airing on HBO last night. Koincedence? I think not. The black and white snaps are close-ups of legs and tits and her face, basically what comes to mind when you think of her. They’re also just krappy pictures kropped krappily with a black and white filter thrown in to try and make you think Kim is entering her “artist” phase.
I’d say this is the first sign of end times, but this is an event far unholier than any of that. I’m pretty sure even the Four Horsemen are nervously thinking, “What’s happening? I’m scared“, as the sound of Kris Jenner gleefully cackling echoes around them.
Yesterday afternoon, in what was probably an attempt to yank some attention away from His Majesty Prince (or at least try to distract our eyes from that beautiful video of him kicking her older sister off stage), Kylie Jenner posed for some social media selfies with Blac Chyna. That’s right – Kylie Jenner just so happened to make friends with the kurrent biggest kramp in the Kardashian’s rubber asses and her sworn enemy on the day a legend died.