“Hey girls, meet your new sister – Katniss Kardashian! Yes, she’s about 28 lbs too light in the ass, but I’m sure a couple visits to the Kardashian Khompound’s In-House Rump Plumper will take care of that.”
Sometime late last night, Satan’s right-hand hooker and reason for upgrading his phone plan to include call display, Kris Jenner, wrapped her hooves around America’s Fart-Ripping Girlfriend Jennifer Lawrence, summoned one of her minions to take a picture, and released to the internet. I’ve seen The Exorcist, I know what’s happening here – this is what it looks like the moment before you’re about to be possessed by a dark-sided social-climbing demon. (Crosses self, reaches for the holy water) I’m going to need an old priest, a young priest, and an extra-large pepperoni pizza. Back away from the legitimate celebrity, Kris!
“Happy Birthday you piece of shit… God I love you #Jenniferlawrence thanks for making this night a night to remember…..even if we did get caught… I love you Happy Birthday Gorgeous!!! #Bible #momager #doll”
Somewhere in a giant pile of unsold socks, Pimp Mama Kris’ lowest earner Rob Kardashian read the words “you piece of shit” and got a little jealous.
I still have no idea what Kris Jenner and Jennifer Lawrence were doing in the same picture. I guess the only explanation I can come to is that a hungry hungry JLaw uttered the words “I’d do anything for a dozen deep-fried donut-glazed chicken wings” in her kitchen one night, at which point Lucifer appeared through a firey hole in her kitchen floor and hissed “I think I can arrange that. The only thing is, you’re going to have to do some truly despicable shit for them.” Then Lucifer escorted JLaw to a hotel room containing an iPhone and the Pimp Mistress (who took one look at JLaw, started thinking about how much attention she was about to receive, and nearly blew out the load-bearing beam in her nose by hyperventilating too hard). You know JLaw was probably like “Is it too late to sell you my soul instead?”
Since every trick, tramp and trollop has served her chichis and ass on Instagram this summer, Xtina has waved her hand and screamed, “Don’t forget about meeeeee,” from the back of the room by posting a picture her half-naked body in nothing but a pair of pink chonies. Xtina told her Instagram followers that she wants to show more of herself and be real and what’s more real than posting a picture that was practically taken in the dark, ran through Photoshop a couple of times and covered in Instagram filters? That truly is the definition of “real.”
Just so you know with me, it’s all real, all the time. Felt like it was time to start sharing some personal stuff with you guys… And it’s just the beginning. Night night. X
You know, I’m all for Xtina getting into the ho shit fun on Instagram, but this is not the way to do it. This is not how you present your half-naked bathroom selfie body. There are many things wrong with this picture, but I’m just going to cover a few:
1. TURN ON THE FUCKING LIGHTS! I know Xtina was going for ~moody~ and ~mysterious~ and shit, but this isn’t a Brian DePalma movie. This is a bathroom selfie. How are we even supposed to know it’s her when it’s dark as all hell in there? If you told me that was my friend James pushing two pan dulces against his chest with his elbows while wearing a pair of VS PINK panties, I would not call you a liar.
2. The hell is that scary shadow behind her? I’m sure it’s just another statue since Xtina obviously wants her bathroom to look like a fancy Pier 1. But can the statue please make itself useful and do something like turn on the damn lights?
3. The minute I saw this picture, my eyes went directly to the gigantic rubber ducky on the side. That rubber ducky is in the darkness, but it’s still sucking in all the attention. Never ever pose with a rubber ducky if you want all eyes on you. A giant rubber ducky is like Uggie the dog. It will steal the scene without even trying.
If Nicki Minaj’s use of the words “baby” and “father” are true, then there’s a tiny fetus with Nicki’s original butt chilling out underneath that busted off-brand Ice Capades costume. TMZ says that during a Pinkprint Tour show in Burgettstown, PA last night, Nicki Minaj put the stunt in ohyoushamelessstuntqueenyou by vaguely referring to her maybe fiance and the star of Drake’s most recent tear-stained diary entry Meek Mill “my baby father.” Meek responded by smiling and blushing on the outside, and hollering “Ha ha! Looks like you can upgrade my job title” in Drake’s direction on the inside. And somewhere in Destiny’s Castle, Beyonce is slow-clapping for Nicki’s expert-level attention-grabbing possible pregnancy announcement skills.
— marcus (@MarcusMraz) August 9, 2015
Nicki didn’t exactly confirm that Meek’s anaconda slithered up inside her inside parts and covered her eggs in hollandaise, and so far she’s said nothing on Twitter (that’s a first), so who knows if she’s actually pregnant. Although she did sort of fan the flames on Instragram by posting a group picture from after the show and captioning it “My beautiful babies.” Meanwhile, MediaTakeOut has been saying since June that she’s knocked up, so this could be Nicki’s way of announcing that she’s with fetus.
If she is pregnant, then I cannot wait for two things. One, the bonkers-to-Mars-and-back name she gives it. Boy or girl, my guess is Myx Moscato™ (alien symbols) Minaj Mill or More Royal Than Lil Kim’s Baby Royal Reign. Two, seeing how jealous her ass gets when her stomach eclipses it in size. Yes, I see a ass vs. stomach parking lot slap fight sometime in the second trimester (my money’s on ass).
Last year around this time, Taylor “Don’t Call Me A Desperate Clinger” Swift (seen above quite literally desperately clinging to current boyfriend Calvin Harris) celebrated the Fourth of July with a small collection of her closest famous girl friends, because her management team was going for a sort-of “me & my gals” friendship vibe. But this year, it looks like her management team OK’d her request to make it all about her new boyfriend.
Yesterday, Calvin Harris Instagrammed the first picture from Tay Tay’s Independence Day Spectacular, and today we have the rest. Just like the last time Taylor threw a party with her famous girl crew, it’s a real “Oh say can you see…ME!” celebration. If pictures from Taylor Swift’s Gathering of the Butterscotch parties were a drinking game, we’d all be halfway to hammered right now. Take a shot if Taylor Swift and her friends post a picture of them jumping in the air. Take another shot if she’s making a mouth-open surprised face while she’s doing it. Chug your drink every time she looks like she’s auditioning for an Ann Taylor LOFT-sponsored remake of Gidget.
If you’re expecting to see Tay Tay digging in to a Cool Whip flag cake or taking a selfie with some sparklers, you’ve come to the wrong Fourth of July party. Tay Tay is rich, so her Fourth of July is nothing like a regular person’s Fourth of July. Instead, it’s more like what I imagine the 10th birthday party for Uncle Sam’s spoiled daughter would look like. Taylor filled her pool with giant inflatable swans and rented some sort of red, white, and blue floating super slide to match their red, white, and blue beach towels. Then she forced all her friends to put on American flag onesies and take cutesy slumber party pictures. Now that I think of it, that Cool Whip flag cake would have fit in perfectly.
We can never ever believe anything that comes out of Paris Hilton’s mouth again. When she releases another “leaked” sex tape for attention and we all watch her spit up a load of cum in it, we’ll ask ourselves, “Is it really man leche or is it watered down goat milk?” Everything that dribbles out of her mouth is a falsity. What’s next? We’re going to find out that Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar lied through their Jesus teeth during that Fox News interview? The world is a lie.
Parasite Hilton recently threatened to sue the Egyptian production company of the show that pranked her by making her believe that she was about to die in a plane crash. Paris claimed she knew nothing about the prank. But her threats are probably full of shit, like her, because TMZ says that she was in on the prank. TMZ somehow got a hold of a document (which is one way of saying “the Egyptian production company gave it to them after Paris threatened to sue“) from the Egyptian production company that was passed to the reps of several American celebrities back in March. The document says that the production company will drop a pile of $$$$ into the lap of the American celebrity who agrees to fake the fear in a faux plane ride gone wrong.
The document states, “We will act as if something is going wrong and ask all passengers to jump off the plane!!! Of course everyone will panic, we’ll be having skydivers in disguise with us on board.”
The doc goes on, “We will monitor the funny reactions from our celebrity guest when they fear jumping off the plane.”
The document also claims that officials in Dubai, including the crown prince, were aware of the fake prank and promised to provide the show with security. Many celebs said no to that shit, but since Paris Hilton’s food of life is attention, she agreed to do it. Apparently, she was paid at least $1 million for it.
TMZ ran into Paris yesterday and asked her about the “prank.” She said that they took it “too far” and it wasn’t not funny.
Yes, I’d gladly fake scream for a million dollars, but still, screw Paris Hilton. (“Guilty!” – 97% of the world) I thought I was going to live my entire life without ever feeling one tiny drop of sympathy for her and she robbed me of that by playing with my emotions. Even after a few of my friends and several of you screamed, “FAKE,” I still believed her and felt a little bit sorry for her. I should have known. The next time a trailer for a Kristen Stewart movie comes out, I’m going to post it along with the words: I believed Paris Hilton’s plane crash acting. Therefore, I am not the one to critique anybody’s acting skills. Even Kristen Stewart’s.
Here’s that scammer being the portrait of modest by wearing a t-shirt with her image on it.
I guess Miley Cyrus really is bumping her pink pussy bush against the crotch of Victoria’s Secret model Stella Maxwell. The genderqueer who lets her cooze go wherever the wind may take it was on a break from filming her new music video in L.A. when a pap caught her and Stella hugging onto each other. About 6 seconds into the video from TMZ, Miley and Stella both notice the pap taking pictures of them and they step up the girl-on-girl show by making out. (Side note: Stella probably got a good meal out of that thick layer of gunk on Miley’s tongue.) Because Miley has always epitomized demureness, she sticks her hand down Stella’s pants and takes her fingers to Pussy Bang Town. You know that scene in Basic Instinct where Sharon Stone sees Michael Douglas staring at her and her girlfriend dancing so she really gives him something to see by kissing on her piece? This video kind of reminds me of a chipmunk version of that.
I’m actually surprised that Miley didn’t pull out an inflatable carrot-shaped dildo and strap it on before boning Stella as a guy in a giant dick costume sprayed them both with glitter. But you know, Miley and Stella are kind of brand new, so I’m sure she’s saving that for at least their third date for the paps. Deep down Miley is old-fashioned when it comes to public displays of affection for attention.
And it’s definitely true love. I’m talking about Miley and the camera of course. I mean, bitch looks at the camera more than her damn girlfriend.
Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
And in “What Is Lindsay Lohan Causing Possible Damage To Now” news. London’s current problem Lindsay Lohan is currently unemployed (unless you count juggling lawsuits as a job, in which case bitch is working overtime), which means she has a lot more time to take pictures of herself apropos of nothing. So on Saturday she Tweeted a picture of herself looking like a down-on-her-luck Carmen Sandiego two days before the rent is due with the caption: “Break the Internet with clothes on
I’m not sure Lindsay knows how the internet works, because if every picture of a nearly-topless tramp in 10lbs of fake hair could break the internet, Instagram would have already shattered the internet worse than Mama June’s knee cartilage. Or maybe this is just one of the Apricot Ashtray’s classic grifts. First she claims the internet was broken when she got it, then demands she receive a new internet plus a full refund of her money and a handful of coupons. I used to work retail, I know how damaged goods scams work.
Speaking of damaged goods, she also took a picture of her hanging out with the President of the Diskount Hooker Warehouse Kris Jenner and the Kardashian family’s official spackle applicator Joyce Bonelli:
That sound you just heard was the internet cracking under the weight of PMKs thirsty fame whore game.
Whenever I think of people who wear sunglasses indoors, I think of two things: douchebags who love attention and Jack Nicholson at the Oscars. But since the sedated horny badger wasn’t there last night, someone had to take his place as The Person Wearing Sunglasses Indoors For No Good Goddamn Reason, and it appears that person was Anna Wintour. I don’t know what’s more confusing: that Anna Wintour is wearing a pair of gas station sunglasses indoors, or that she was invited to the Oscars. Even Harvey Weinstein is like “So, you feel cold…are you related to the statue or something?”
When the camera panned into the audience and I saw Anna Wintour sitting there looking like the unsalted soda cracker version of Cookie Lyon, all I could think of was just how distracting she must have been for everyone on stage looking down at her; she looks like the Upper West Side old money aunt of Cyclops from The X-Men. I have no idea why she’s wearing sunglasses indoors like she is, but I’m just going to assume it has something to do with not drawing suspicion when a young type would walk on stage and her eyes would get all firey red and excited from the sight of young blood.
And because up is down and nothing makes any sense with that woman, here she is posing for pictures with her daughter Bee Shaffer outside before the show without her sunglasses:
Kanye West Did Some Kind Of Kanye West-y Post-Modern Art Performance On The SNL 40th Anniversary Show
And shockingly, for the first time this week, North West wasn’t sitting in the front row and screaming through the whole thing. During last night’s Saturday Night Live 40th anniversary show that I’m still pissed off included zero appearances by the greatest SNL character ever, Toonces, but whatever, music’s version of Shia LaBeouf Kanye West opened his performance in the most Kanye way possible: by lying on the floor in some kind of white light box while looking like Blade’s fancy fashion brother in a pair of colored contacts and a gold grill in his mouth.
Kanye, or “Candy West” if you’re Christopher Walken, performed “Jesus Walks” (which I am surprised that egotistical trick hasn’t changed to “Yeezus Walks” by now), “Only One”, and “Wolves”, which he was joined on the floor by rapper Vic Mensa and Sia, who were also dressed like Derelicte by Kanye West by Mugatu. The whole thing was a mess; it was like a 1st year college performance art piece in association with an expired bottle of NyQuil and the NYC sanitation department. Somewhere in a cocktail lounge in Atlantic City and a cocktail lounge up in Heaven, The Sweeney Sisters are like “We got bumped for this? RUDE.”
And as if that wasn’t enough attention, he also got a shout out by his former partner in Hurricane Katrina awkwardness Mike Myers and the surprisingly still hot Dana Carvey during a Wayne’s World sketch. Live, from New York, it’s Kanye West! ….and some other people. And if you really want a side of the dry heaves with your morning coffee, I’ve included two up-close pictures of Kanye and his come-to-life Real Doll Kim Kardashian wearing those busted mall contact lenses after the cut.