Ariana Grande has a tour that’s starting next month. And what do you know? She just so happened to promote it this weekend with a couple pictures of her wearing a sparkly ring on that finger. Someone’s a graduate of Subtlety’s Finest School of PR Stunts.
If you have a cat, you may have been wondering why your pussy spent a piece of yesterday bowing down to the broomstick you keep in the corner in your kitchen. That was your cat’s way of paying homage to the American Cat Lady Queen and yodeling broomstick Taylor Swift on the 27th anniversary of her birth.
Taylor turned 27 yesterday and while her squad covered her with air kisses on social media (because they’re contractually obligated to) and companies like Rent-A-Famous-Boyfriend gave thanks to the existence of their most loyal client, her ex-piece John Mayer probably shit on her. And according to blind items, not in the way he usually likes to shit on a chick.
And one second after Jabba the Trump stuck out his finger to say, “I’m with stupider,” Kanye’s hungry, hungry booty hole latched onto that thing before completely swallowing up that charred dildo in a baggy suit. If only….
TMZ says that Kanye West is back on his meds after allegedly having a mental breakdown, and last night he flew to NYC with his medical team and Pimp Mama Kris’ leased piece Corey Gamble to interview psychiatrists that can help him whenever he’s on the East Coast. Well, the meds are clearly sugar pills provided by Dr. PMK, because this morning, he met with a level 10 attention whore whose throbbing and pus-stuffed ego maaaaaaay be bigger than his. Giving Donald Trump a compliment gives me the wet shits, but I have to slow clap for him for creating a building that’s strong enough to hold in those two Mars-sized egos.
2005: “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.” – Kanye West
2016: “Kanye West doesn’t care about black people.” – 2005 Kanye about 2016 Kanye
Back in the simpler times of 2015 when some of us were still innocent and naive and didn’t think that a dried-up butt plug dingle could actually become our overlord, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian took a selfie with Hillary Clinton at a fundraiser given by Justin Bieber’s manager Scooter Braun. But while Kim continued to burp up her support for HRC and Black Lives Matter, Kanye has gone the opposite way. Kanye sharted up a post-election endorsement for Donald Trump and told black people to stop focusing on racism in this country. Hmm… Could it have something to do with the fact that headlines like, “Kanye Shits On Trump And Supports BLM,” wouldn’t get nearly as much attention as headlines like, “Kanye Loves Trump And Wants Black People To Stop Crying About Racism”? No, I’m sure it doesn’t. Kanye is sooooo not a living and breathing clickbait headline who spews out shit just to get his name trending on Twitter. Never!
No, I do not follow Justin Bieber on Instagram. Every time I go to his page, a cloud of maple-scented smegma hits my nostrils and I’m allergic to that, so that screen shot came from a friend who follows him on IG. Yeah, that’s it.
As everyone was busy watching the Battle of Royal Assholes between Taylor Swift and Kanye West, poor, widdle Justin Bieber sat in the corner all by his lonesome, feeling about as unwanted as a coochie at an all-gay orgy. So, the Biebs figured that since everyone’s eyes are on Taylor and Kanye bumping throbbing egos, he should squirm his way in if he wants some attention. Believe it or not, but Kanye and Kim Kartrashian’s side is now 3000% douchier, because the needy and bratty Tender Tears doll has pledged his allegiance to them.
Early this morning, the Biebs posted that picture on Instagram of him FaceTiming with Taylor’s arch rival Kanye West, and he threw in the caption, “Taylor swift what up“.
Never mind that the Biebs look like a bookworm’s badass brother who don’t read no books cause books r 4 nurrdz, that caption is just sad… It reads like that little chickenhawk is puffing up his chest at Taylor. I know that Taylor weighs about as much as an ant’s burp bubble, but she could easily end the Biebs and make his cry to Usher by flicking his forehead or by making Selena Gomez call him and say, “Justin, I love you and I miss you, let’s get back together…….. SIKE!” Maybe the Biebs will finally realize that he ain’t about that life while crying into Kanye’s lap after Selena puts an owwie on his toddler heart.
If you didn’t know who Claudia Jordan was, you learned who she was yesterday when she made WORLDWIDE HEADLINES for confirming that Jamie Foxx and Katie Holmes are bumping nipples. Claudia (who was in The Real Housewives of Atlanta was Briefcase Model #1 on Deal or No Deal) is friends with Jamie, and on the Allegedly podcast yesterday, she earned a dozen thirst points by saying that he’s very happy with Katie Holmes. But somebody (read: Suri) must have gotten to Claudia and told her to fix it, because now she’s backpedalling so hard that she’s probably developed six-packs on her calves.
After Claudia said that Jamie and Katie are very happy, she told Entertainment Tonight that she had no idea what she was talking about. If there was video footage of Claudia on the Allegedly podcast, you’d clearly see her spreading her ass cheeks open in front of a mic to let her b-hole do the talking, because that info about Jamie and Katie has as much weight as a fart. Claudia told ET that she has no idea if FoxHol is real, she’s never seem them together, Jamie has never told her that they’re together and she “misspoke.” The clip is actually kind of funny, because Claudia keeps repeating herself and wants to nail it into our brains that she knows nothing about FoxHol. If you looked into her head, you’d see her brain jizzing from a camera being on her, but you’d also see her praying that Jamie Foxx doesn’t kick her out of his entourage.
Or maybe it wasn’t Jamie or Katie who got to Claudia. Maybe just maybe Katie has some weird agreement with Tom Cruise and Scientology to not let her relationships go public. Maybe it was Tommy who got to Claudia. I mean, Claudia does look like she’s trying not to laugh while remembering the moment when Little Lord Tommy got in her face and threatened her while standing on a stack of phone books on an apple box.
And since I brought up Claudia’s ass, here it is in an old bikini photo shoot a few years ago: