Warning: Do not stare at that picture too long. DMX is so damn fertile that if you keep your eyes on that pic long enough, you may find yourself squirting out the latest member of his ever-growing child army, and no, you won’t get a child support check out of it
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 kids and that might be it for them. But it looks like DMX’s weapon of mass procreation isn’t done shooting raw nuts at ovaries just yet and he may beat Jim Bob and Michelle’s record. 45-year-old DMX became somebody’s father for the 15th time (that he knows of) last Friday after his girlfriend Desiree Lindstrom gave birth to her first child and his latest in NYC. TMZ says that DMX and Desiree named their son Exodus Simmons (or as DMX is going to call him, “Um, which one are you again?“).
Whoever holds the record for the most mug shots taken (Lindsay?) better be prepared to lose their title, because DMX added another mug shot to his 8-foot-tall pile. “DMX got arrested” is the new “water is wet.”
PIX-11 in NYC says that DMX (born name: Earl Simmons) was on his way to perform in a concert at Radio City Music Hall when the cops got his ass for “several outstanding issues.” DMX owes $400,000 in child support, so Erie County Family court issued a warrant for his arrest. The city of White Plains also issued an arrest warrant on his ass for bail jumping and the city of Yonkers has accused him of being an “aggravated unlicensed motor vehicle operator.” On top of all of that, Newark, NJ filed a complaint against DMX for his possible involvement in a gas station robbery on April 5th. In other words, every damn city in the tri-state area has DMX’s name on a warrant list.
Because DMX was busy getting arrested, he wasn’t able to perform at Radio City. The show, which featured a bunch of rappers, went on without him. DMX later bailed out.
I get that the cops had to arrest DMX’s beyond messy ass since he has a warrant in practically every county, but shouldn’t they have waited until AFTER the show? Since DMX owes three shit loads in child support, they should’ve waited until he did the job and got the check before bringing him in along with the money he just made. How is he supposed to make a dent in that child support balance if they arrest him before he gets that paycheck? And DMX really needs to get it all the way together before he once again ends up nibbling green bologna sandwiches in a desert tent while wearing pink jail clothes. Believe it or not, that’s not a euphemism.
Back when we were still all obsessed with The Weakest Link and Darva Conger’s elegant noodle-hair, I remember watching Screech from Saved By the Bell fight Horshack from Welcome Back, Kotter on Celebrity Boxing and thinking “I feel like I should like this, but my better judgement is telling me this is complete trash.” Then Tonya Harding came on and my brain was like “How much more proof do you need, bitch??” Regardless, people watched it and liked it and who am I to judge someone’s happiness?
With that being said, I feel no guilt crawling up on my high horse and judging the following. TMZ is confirming that after much speculation, George Zimmerman will fight DMX in a type of sadistic, crackhead Hunger Games-style boxing match:
Celebrity boxing promoter Damon Feldman tells us, DMX was selected out of 15,000 applicants, all of whom wanted a piece of Zimmerman in the ring after he issued the open challenge to fight anyone willing to take him. But no one wanted to beat Zimmerman’s ass more than DMX. DMX promised to massacre Zimmerman in the ring if he got the chance. To be exact, he said, “I am going to beat the living f**k out him … I am breaking every rule in boxing to make sure I f**k him right up.” He then said he’d literally piss on George’s face.
This is just really very terrific. Someone should advise DMX that stepping in to a boxing ring doesn’t magically absolve you from being charged with manslaughter in the event you beat your opponent to death. However, that doesn’t mean he should leave his kevlar at home (he is fighting George Zimmerman, after all).
I think my biggest question regarding this whole mess is FOR WHY?? Why do we need a televised boxing match between these two idiots? TV should be used for good, not evil. I have a better solution: direct these two to the nearest 7-11 parking lot, give DMX a roll of pennies and a large can of Monster Rehab, and George Zimmerman a cup of scalding hot nacho cheese sauce, have someone stir the pot by telling DMX that George Zimmerman was talking shit about him on Facebook, and see who still has their earrings by the time the cops are called. And also tell me which 7-11, because I never miss a good hoodrat fight.
A room service attendant and guests at a hotel in Detroit witnessed what I’m sure hundreds have already witnessed: DMX naked sprinting through the hallways. This is probably a daily thing for his ass. When DMX isn’t posing for his 1,987,648th mug shot, he’s making his dick slap all over the police by running naked through a hotel hallway.
TMZ somehow got a hold of footage from a security camera of DMX taking his chonies off before making the wind sweep across his b-hole by participating in a crackhead marathon for one. DMX told TMZ that he just felt like running around the hallways with nothing but his house arrest anklet and socks on. But DMX’s rep told VIBE that it was a dare:
“DMX was a Detroit hotel with his DJ (DJ NonStop) and his road manager (Montana) before his performance with Eve and Lil Kim on August 31st. X and the team were killing time at the hotel before the concert and dared each other to streak in the hallway. No one was aware that security cameras were rolling and it was just a playful dare between friends.”
1. This might be the sanest thing that DMX has done in a long time.
2. Since DMX isn’t too scared to take a dare, DJ NonStop and Montana should dare him to not get arrested for 48 hours.
3. I’d still hit it. Well, that’s a big blur.