This is our final regular episode of the year, because Allison is about to give birth to our third co-host, who is definitely going to outdo us in the jokes and “making sense” department. But before then, we shove our faces deep into a plate of Golden Globes and talk about the nominations including how Ted Danson and Olivia the Dog from Widows were wrongly snubbed. We also talk about the random one-second feud between Jessica Simpson and Natalie Portman, and the cheesecake chaos caused by The Cheesecake Factory. We end by talking shit about Cardi B and Offset’s split, the six french fries serving suggestion from a Harvard professor, Kanye West committing a sin by using his phone during The Cher Show, and my dream of seeing Faye Dunaway as a 30-something Katharine Hepburn. Allison helps us go without a bang by busting out her impeccable “Schnap out of it!” impersonation.
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Paper Magazine’s latest “Break The Internet” issue stars Lindsay Lohan who talked about moving to Dubai to avoid paparazzi (HA!) and her family-friendly Mykonos beach club (HA!!). One thing she didn’t really talk about is the video of her trying to snatch a Syrian refugee child while speaking in a question mark-inducing accent. From there, Allison and I talk about the Battle of Rudolph in the War on Christmas, and Tumblr’s porn ban. We also get into Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas’ big Indian wedding, Madonna subtly accusing Lady Gaga of being a copycat again, and the awful forced hugging at the offices of Ted Baker. We end on an extra extra happy note when Allison reveals some exciting news, and no, the exciting news isn’t that Orbitz (aka the dream drink she’s never had) is making a comeback.
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“Thank God for Meghan Markle” are words that actually escape out of my mouth while Allison and I talk about how Duchess Meghan has pulled some “Alexis Carrington in season 2 of Dynasty” shit by injecting some much-needed drama into the usual boring British royal storylines. Other topics we get into include Leonardo DiCaprio bringing on the end of the world by thinking about getting engaged, the study that claims women sleep better with dogs (actual dogs, not a-hole men), The Rock declaring he’s on Team Pineapple Pizza, Starbucks’ porn ban, and Quentin Tarantino getting married. We end with our advice segment where Allison and I give our thoughts on dilemmas like, “Should I take out my teeth when I blow my man?“, and “Why am I wiping extra after butt sex?”
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Are Dolce & Gabbana the Max Bialystock and Leo Bloom of the fashion world and trying to sink their brand by spewing up racist and business-killing shit? This is a question Allison and I ponder while talking about the latest offensive dingle to trickle out of Stefano Gabbana’s mouth. We also get into Jameela Jamil wishing caca chonies upon laxative tea pushers like Cardi B, Jon Ho from Game of Thrones possibly cheating on his new wife with a Russian model, Lena Dunham’s friendship breakup with Lorde, and Amanda Bynes declaring that she discovered Channing Tatum. As for what we end the show with, I just have three words: panty pyramid scheme. The end.
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Allison declared her undying love for Butterball’s pre-stuffed turkey on our last episode, and that made some people cry, “SALMONELLA!” So we talk about the dos and don’ts of pre-stuffed turkey cooking (because we’re gourmet like that), and millennials supposedly pranking their parents with questions about nuking a turkey. But before we get into turkey crap, Allison and I dip our brains in a boiling vat of smug by covering Bill Maher shitting on adults liking comic books, and then we talk about Jessie J telling everyone to stop comparing her to Jenna Dewan. We also say words about Dolly Parton’s husband taking her to the romance epicenter known as McDonald’s, Mandy Moore’s 12 wedding cakes, and Priyanka Chopra making Star Jones proud.
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This episode starts off with a slow clap for Mariah Carey’s lambs getting Glitter to #1 on the iTunes charts, and once we do that, Allison and I sink down straight into the gutter by giving an embarrassing update (embarrassing because we should’ve seen it coming) on the story of the New Jersey couple who was accused of snatching all the GoFundMe money they raised for a homeless man. We also get into Armie Hammer’s heroic fight against celebrities who post pictures with the deceased, Millennial Monopoly, Jell-O slime, and Prince Charles’ squirrel friends. We end by sharing our favorite Thanksgiving dishes, and since we’re connoisseurs of only the finest gourmet cuisine, expect for us to talk about only the finest of gourmet cuisine.
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