This episode starts off with a slow clap for Mariah Carey’s lambs getting Glitter to #1 on the iTunes charts, and once we do that, Allison and I sink down straight into the gutter by giving an embarrassing update (embarrassing because we should’ve seen it coming) on the story of the New Jersey couple who was accused of snatching all the GoFundMe money they raised for a homeless man. We also get into Armie Hammer’s heroic fight against celebrities who post pictures with the deceased, Millennial Monopoly, Jell-O slime, and Prince Charles’ squirrel friends. We end by sharing our favorite Thanksgiving dishes, and since we’re connoisseurs of only the finest gourmet cuisine, expect for us to talk about only the finest of gourmet cuisine.
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The American listeners who went hunting in supermarket aisles for Primo Pizza Squeeze and came up empty deserve an apology from me, so this episode starts off with that. Once I try to right that wrong, Allison and I talk about Victoria’s secret hatred of putting transgender and plus-size models in her fashion shows, Alicia Silverstone’s vegan super child, and Michael C. Hall’s fluid sexuality. We also talk about scat parties at Taco Bell, Duchess Meghan’s new diva reputation by the tabloids, Jaden Smith declaring Tyler The Creator his boyfriend, and Chris Pine’s peen… because we can never get enough of that, obviously.
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Tyler Henry and The Long Island Medium don’t have to quit the psychic game just yet, because Allison and I wrongly predicted who People would pick as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018. Once we weep about that (and slobber at the mouth over Idris Elba getting the title), we talk about the latest in the Brangelina custody saga, the refined and expensive tastes of JK Rowling’s ex-assistant, and we discuss if chamomile is tea or not. Thank you for that, Benedict Cumberbatch! Other highly important topics we get into are: Chris Pine’s peen in Outlaw King, Satan suing Netflix, and Duchess Meghan taking her baby on the subway. We end by using Oprah’s annual Favorite Things list to talk about some of our favorite things. Warning: The words “prostate massager” and “pizza squeeze” are used in the same segment.
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The beginning of this episode’s theme is EYES! I talk about my ongoing eye drama, and then Allison and I talk about Pete Davidson, whose ex-fiancee got pissed over a website saying he has butthole eyes, getting into trouble for making jokes about a Republican congressional candidate who lost his eye during battle. From there, we talk about Rebel Wilson overusing the block feature on Twitter after declaring herself the first plus-size actress to star in a rom-com, and THE QUEEN inviting Duchess Meghan’s mom to spend Christmas with the royal family. We quickly burp up out thoughts on the Spice Girls reunion and Frankie Grande’s throuple before guessing who People will name as their Sexiest Man Alive 2018. By the time this episode comes out, you’ll already know who People’s Sexiest Man is, but if Allison or I guess it right, just call us SLYCIC!
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And by “messy time of year,” we of course mean Halloween. Allison and I talk about our Halloween costumes from the past, like her Yoko OnoYouDidnt get-up and my No Ass Mariah costume. We also get into The Onion-like story of Lena Dunham writing a movie about a Syrian refugee, Josh Duhamel needing to grow a sense of humor, the ongoing saga of Sofia Vergara and Nick Loeb’s frozen embryos, 50 Cent and Ja Rule’s middle school playground beef. We end this episode by diving back into Halloween and reading some scary and ridiculous stories you all sent in. Two things I learned are to never live in a 19th century farmhouse, and if I ever meet Lisa Marie Fucking Presley, only talk about Elvis to her.
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After I take off my tinfoil hat (or “aluminum foil hat” as my dumbass calls it) about the lottery being rigged, Allison and I get neck deep in the blackface messiness that Megyn Kelly created for herself. Once we cleanse ourselves, we talk about how Jennifer Garner’s new boyfriend might be a robot, and we learn that we chose the wrong path in life. We should’ve been a TV actress with a zillion endorsement deals named Sofia Vergara. Then we quickly talk about how many women John Mayer has humped on and who was the biggest ho on the set of Grease. We end our show by asking you to use your ears to try to the guess the voices of two legendary sopranos and one newly found soprano songbird… or songdonkey in this case.
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