Obviously nothing can ever top the legendary sequinned charisma of Lil’ Kim’s purple nipple cover at the 1999 MTV VMA’s, but that’s not nearly a good enough excuse for people not to try. An iconic look is like rolling dice; you might wear something that ends up in one of those Best Looks of ALL TIME galleries for the rest of the internet’s existence, or you might be just wearing clothing. Cardi B could have shocked eyes by showing up in big hair, a dramatic cape, and no pants, but – yawn – been there, done that. Instead, Cardi B made her first red carpet appearance since giving birth last month in a purple gown by Nicolas Jebran and a pussycat wig. Cardi is giving me eccentric Beverly Hills housewife at a charity gala trying to steal the spotlight from her rival Bitsy Saint Claire. Wait a second – rich, attention-getting, short dark hair, daughter’s name spelled with an unnecessary K? Kris Jenner must be so flattered right now.
Who would have thought any of us would have something in common with Nicki Minaj besides a big butt and general disdain for Mariah Carey (guilty)? Nicki is easily annoyed by her fellow humans. Just like us! She’s especially annoyed by some of her male peers in the rap game. On Barbie Dreams, a track off her new album Queen, she pisses on Drake. And DJ Khaled. And her ex Meek Mill. And Young Thug (hopefully for that name). Some of it makes sense. DJ Khaled thinks it’s unmanly to go down on a lady so he’s a tool. And we’re all sick of the “In My Feelings” dance and it’s all Drake’s fault. Hate away, Nicki! Nicki spoke to Apple Beats 1 (via Variety) an hour before her new album dropped and revealed why she packed so much shade into one song.
The Bronx is in the house! Or rather, The Bronx is in the Chateau! Bronx natives Cardi B and Jennifer Lopez have teamed up on a track called “Dinero” and they brought DJ Khaled along for the ride. Here’s the very shiny video directed by Joseph Khan. It’s packed full of tongue-in-cheek product placements which I didn’t really catch until the third viewing. Was it worth repeated viewings? No, it was not.
Man, DJ Khaled about as useful as tits on a boar, which, now that I think about it, is unkindly apt here. Although, it might be kind of fun to hire him for a day to announce my entrance every time I walk into a room. He’s very good at letting you know who people are. But that Robert De Niro pun was unforgivable. Go suck a clit, DJ Khaled!
What I like most about this video is how shiny it is. I love shiny things. I would legit rock one of those sequences jerseys JLo is wearing at the end. I feel like Elizabeth Taylor would enjoy watching this video if she were allowed to wear headphones and listen to Rachmaninoff instead. If I could, I would bedazzle the shit out of everything in sight too. But I wouldn’t bedazzle an elephant. That was wrong. Also, I kept expecting DJ Khaled to run into that set up and yell “Coolio! What!”, “Gangsters’ Paradise, yeah!”, followed by “Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! What!… the hell have I done?”.
The Billboard Music Awards were last night and if the red carpet is any indication, it lived up to it’s name because most stars looked as bored as can be. With very few exceptions, most of the night’s looks were uninspired and devoid of whimsy. Nick Jonas (above) looks like he just showed up for his shift at Applebees and still needs to go get his flair from his locker and take a quick shot at the bar before getting started. He’ll be with you in a minute, ok?
Thanks to an unearthed interview from 2014, everyone sent their thoughts and prayers to the poon of DJ Khaled’s wife Nicole Tuck (although, would you want DJ Khaled’s mouth on your poon?) after he said that he doesn’t lick the cooch. Because according to DJ Khaled, men are kings and kings get serviced, they don’t do any servicing. And you know DJ Dick Fart doesn’t do the gentlemanly thing of lifting his FUPA before his wife goes down on him, and you also know that he screams DJ KHAAAAAAAAAALED while she’s doing it.
Evan Rachel Wood, Smash Mouth, and even the dictionary dragged DJ Khaled. The Rock also got into the subject and made it clear that he licks the box like a mic at a WWE match.
A DJ Khaled radio interview from 2014 has surfaced in which he proclaims himself “the king” of his relationship and felt it necessary to offer his opinion on orally pleasuring women. The king doesn’t do that! But his girlfriend at the time (who is now his wife) had damn well better! Khaled’s missus Nicole Tuck hopefully texts him the link to her Amazon wishlist before going down on him because that’s an unfair situation and there should be a march or protest about this.