Dita Von Teese’s Beauty Tip Of The Day: Pluck Your Nipple Hairs

Dita Von Teese can’t physically grow body hair since all of her follicles died years ago when she had her skin replaced with layers of porcelain, but she’s still out there telling you what you should do with your body hair. Dita has a beauty book coming out and she talked a little about it with Into The Gloss (via HuffPo). Dita’s beauty book will include tips on beauty crap you shouldn’t do around your dude and she also recommends keeping your nipples as smooth as your pussy:

“My beauty book is going to be totally different from what’s out there. I’m going to tell you that you have to pluck the nipple hairs off your nipples before a date—I’m here to tell you that.”

Excuse you, Heather Sweet. You don’t HAVE to pluck a nipple hair off before a date. Sometimes nipple hairs come in handy. What if you and your piece just had a romantic steak dinner? What if he got meat chunks stuck between his teeth and needed to get that crap out? If you have a long nipple hair, he can use it to floss the shit out of his teeth and he can give you a quick tingle by licking your nipple knob at the same time. The same goes for b-hole hairs. Nipple hairs lead to fun AND they’re fully functional. A nipple hair is nature’s floss.

Dusty Scenes From Coachella

It’s that time of year again when celebwhores from every list gather in the desert of California and hipster-ize themselves by rolling around in a bin at the Salvation Army and filling their pores with Patchouli! It’s Coachella! It felt only fitting to let Tara Reid, who puts the hell in Coachella, lead the way of hos who look like they just fell out of the ass of an Urban Outfitters.

Only Tara the Terrible would wear Lucifer’s footwear of choice in 1 million degree weather. You just know the inside of her UGGs are coated with a thick, gooey toe-smegma that is made of whiskey that secretes out of her foot pores and coke dust from an 8-ball she stashed in there years ago. At the end of the night when all the food trucks are closed, Tara can smear that UGGs butter on a piece of cardboard and get drunk high all over again! Actually, Tara might be a genius for that. This is the only time in history I approve of UGGs.

Anyway, here’s who joined Tara in sweating their pits off while sucking the nuts of a coco. In order: Penn Badgley with the gay son from Desperate Housewives, RDJ!!!!, Vanessa Hudgens (who needs to know that we already have one Lisa Bonet), Tara, Jack Osbourne, Alessandra Ambrosio with her dude, Nick Simmons, Dita Von Teese, Usher, Danny DeVito, Ashley Greene with that dude from Kings of Leon, The Hoff with his latest leased piece, Kellan Lutz, Paul McCartney, ASkars with Kate Bosworth, Tony Hawk and Bud Bundy.

Lenny Kravitz Left His Struttin’ Boots At Home

A little over a week ago, Lenny Kravitz turned SoHo into StrutHo when he stepped out in leather wedge boots that set fire to the cobblestones which caused a cloud of fabuousness to envelope the neighborhood. Basically, Lenny Kravitz was dressed like an elite member of Grace Jones’ national army, but at the Lanvin show today his look was straight up off of SamRo’s bedroom floor. Nonetheless, it’s still a “wrassle up some pussy” outfit.

And just when I was about to once again give Dita Von Teese another award for excellence for eyebrow-ing at the highest degree, I come across this “hit the brakes” beauty:

While Dita’s brows scream in your eyes and cover your retinas with black dust, this beauty’s brows softly whisper into them. It’s as if a centaur gently scooted across her brow area. Okay, okay, Dita still wins, but this goddess is a close second.

Here’s more of Lenny, Dita and Janet Jackson with her billionaire piece at the Lanvin show in Paris today.

Kat Von D’s Face Is Different

At last night’s Art of Elyslum’s charity gala in Los Angeles, Kat Von D crawled onto the red carpet looking like a mini-mall plastic surgeon gave her the “Prostitution Whore Special” in the face. Seriously, if you put a merkin over forehead, squint eyes and then flip your table, your computer will end up on the floor. But before it does, you’ll briefly see Danielle from the Real Housewives of New Jersey staring back at you instead of Kat Von D.

Kat’s eyebrows look like they fell in love with her hairline at first sight and are heading north to be with it. Bitch has “I Can Haz” face.

Here’s more hos who put on their artfag face last night including: MiserAlba, Rachel Bilson, Kate Bosworth, Brenda Walsh, FrankenLiza, one of those Olsen trolls, Sookeh with Beeehl, Katy Perry with Russell Brand, Dita Von Teese and Tater Head.

The Hoff Takes Coachella!

When I first heard Amy Wino was going to shower her meth loogies all over Coachella, I was more than willing to fry my ass lips off to get a glimpse of her heroin shake. Then it was announced that America wouldn’t let her in, so I put my coochie cutters away. And look at everything I missed!

I mean, I could have witnessed The Hoff doing gross mouth things with some kind of creature who may still have a nutsack dangling down below. Also, I could have marveled at Kate Bosworth attempting to eat a piece of pizza, but not quite getting it. Methinks the skinny bitch forgot how to swallow. Even Reese Witherspoon and her main homegirl were there drinking out of coconuts! Well, I think just Reese was. Jakey knew it was kind of cliche for him to be sucking milky liquid out of a long tube.

But for those of us that didn’t go, it’s a good fucking thing, because that skankwhoreuglytrampbitchcunt Wonky McValtrex was there to put the HELL in Coachella. Those poor fools who were within a 2-mile radius of Wonky engaging in illegal acts (i.e. tongue fucking her dildo boyfriend) better take a trip down to the free clinic before their pores start leaking toxic pussy fluids.

Here’s more celebwhores at Coachella yesterday including Kristin Cavawhogivesafuck, Tara Reid, Evan Rachel Wood’s doppelganger and the ghost of Kurt Cobain.

Marilyn Manson Wants Dita Von Teese Back

The goth tequila worm nobody wants to swallow has been calling the original Dita Von Teese on the phone to try and get her baby powder-covered ass on his face again. Marilyn must have gotten tired from trying to clone her a million times, so he just figured he should go back to the first.

However, Dita is not interested, because she’s too busy putting some frequent-flier miles on her vag. Dita said, “He’s been in touch a little. The apologies come, and he was like, ‘I made a big mistake’. And I’m like, ‘Yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead and say what you need to say to feel better and to sleep at night.’ Right now I’ve got three (men). They’re all in different parts of the world… That’s my biggest sin – juggling men.”

Marilyn, stick your limp lechees into a tub of Crisco and forget about Dita, because she doesn’t want it. She had the dick, it was sour, the after-taste is finally gone and now she’s moving the fuck on.

And I really must stand up and perform the dick-slappy dance in Dita’s honor. This bitch is doing it right. She’s taking that pussy international! Eff Marilyn and fuck an Asian, French, Middle Eastern, African, Australian, English, Swedish, South American, Russian and Antarctican dude instead.

Source