The House of Mouse is cranking up Take That today and crooning out “Rule The World” because it can apparently buy and sell us all. Its deal to buy a healthy chunk of 21st Century Fox means Mickey And Minnie will be EVERYWHERE!
CNBC says Disney is reaching a deal to acquire Fox’s television production and studio assets. While I’m sure Minnie Mouse and Donald Duck could do a better job than any of those hyenas on Fox News, the deal will apparently leave the news and sports assets still under Rupert Murdoch’s control. Whew! How else would he pay for Jerry Hall’s highlights?! Comcast is also in talks to buy off the Fox assets, but apparently the Disney negotiations are way further along. Thank God. Comcast can barely work my Internet, so how in HAIL are they going to run something else?
The deal would basically give Disney channels like National Geographic Channel, as well as regional sports networks, movie studios and stakes in Hulu and Sky. The value of those assets is estimated to be north of $60 billion. What’s left for Rupert? The Fox broadcast network, Fox Sports, and the news and business news divisions. I’m a little shocked he’d want to hold onto Sean Hannity like that, but Disney was apparently only offering one of those giant turkey legs from Disney World in exchange for him. Allegedly.
Ever since The Beauty And The Beast live-action remake shocked everyone by not being a flaming bag of poo, everyone has been tossing around live-action remakes of Disney movies. Lin Manuel-Miranda is supposedly strapping on a scuba tank to bring The Little Mermaid to life, Will Smith signed on to be the genie in the Aladdin remake, and the White House daily press briefing gives us a glimpse as to how Pinocchio is going! But what’s that buzzing you hear coming from the Serengeti? Yup, the Beyhive is taking over Pride Rock. Continue reading
We learned last year that Disney’s live-action Aladdin movie would be “nontraditional” and directed by Guy Ritchie. Well, it’s not going to stray that far away from tradition; there will still be a genie in a lamp, and Deadline says that genie might be played by Will Smith. An all-knowing cosmic human-like magical creature? Are we sure they want Will and not Jaden?
Deadline has been told that Will Smith is currently in talks to play the genie, whose name is simply Genie, like Cher or Madonna. Will had also been in talks to appear in the live-action Dumbo movie, but he never ended up signing on. He may not sign on to Aladdin either. It’s scheduled to shoot for a long six months, and Deadline thinks that could possibly be a deal breaker for Will. Oh, I’m sure it will be fine. Just as long as he has a strong internet connection so he can convince the crew he’s having twice-daily FaceTime sex on his iPad with Jada Pinkett Smith.
The original Genie was voiced to perfection by Robin Williams, and anyone who takes that role should be prepared to hear “Okay, but he’s no Robin” at least six hundred times. But I think Will is a great choice. When I was a kid, I thought Genie always looked like a cross between a Smurf and Uncle Phil from Fresh Prince. Since the real Uncle Phil is up in Heaven with Robin, they might as well get the next closest thing.
Pics: Disney, Wenn.com
Don’t worry, Timon and Pumbaa; I also don’t know how to feel about this news.
For the past couple of years, Mickey Mouse has been reaching into the Disney cartoon vault, blowing the dust off the first VHS his hand touched, and going “Sure, let’s make a live-action version of this.” Disney almost has more live-action adaptations made or in-production than they do dalmatians at this point. We last left off at a live-action adaptation of The Little Mermaid. Today, Variety is reporting that Disney has announced that their next animated feature-turned-possible live-action mess will be 1994’s The Lion King.
The Walt Disney Company has a long and storied history of unintentional rudeness. Like the priest’s cartoon boner in The Little Mermaid, or the stars spelling out S-E-X in The Lion King, or the fact that Donald walks around without any pants like a damn duck pervert. The accidental rudeness extends to their theme parks as well. There’s a ride at Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Orlando, FL called the Rock N’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.. It’s a roller coaster starring Aerosmith, and it features Steven Tyler throwing up what looks like an obscene hand gesture. Well, those pearl-clutching prudes at Disney finally caught wind about Steven’s unintentionally filthy hand, and now it’s gone forever. And Steven Tyler is angry that they had the audacity to do so.
Disney has done two live-action Alice in Wonderland movies, a live-action Maleficent movie, a live-action Cinderella movie, a live-action The Jungle Book movie, and their live-action Beauty and the Beast movie comes out next year. They’re also working on live-action movies about Tinker Bell, Mulan, Aladdin and Cruella de Vil, as well as sequels to Maleficent and The Jungle Book. They’re running out of live-action movies to do and it’s only a matter of time before they stuff Andy Serkis into a Simba costume for their live-action version of The Lion King. But before they do that, they’re going to explore the possiblity of live-actioning The Little Mermaid. And by “explore” I mean try to come up with ways to femme-up Michael Phelps so he can play Ariel since he’s the only human fish who can do the swimming scenes.
Deadline says that because The Jungle Book has made $860 million worldwide so far, the head bitches at Disney are looking to do even more live-action movies of their animated classics. Disney execs were reportedly pitched a “new take” on The Little Mermaid and they’re talking to major producers about whether or not they should move forward with that idea. Um, don’t those executives know that we’ve already seen a “new take” on The Little Mermaid. It’s called fucking Splash.
Universal is working on their own Little Mermaid movie starring Chloe Grace Moretz.
If Disney goes through with a live-action Little Mermaid movie, the underwater scenes are going to be so CGI’d that it’s going to look about as real as a Kim Kartrashian Instagram picture. Shit, it’ll probably look less life-like than the animated movie it’s based on. But I am all for it if they cast Jon Hamm in the iconic role of the horny priest:
And this goes without typing, but here are old pictures of my choice for Ariel posing with Ana Braga:
Pics: Disney, Wenn.com