Nick Cannon Admits He Mixed Up Some Of The Mother’s Day Cards For The Moms Of His 12 Kids

Mega-sperm carrier Nick Cannon recently assured everyone that he didn’t fumble his past marriage to Mariah Carey, but it looks like he admittedly DID fumble Mother’s Day for at least a few of the six mothers of his 12 children this year. So if there was still any notion that he’s been handling this mass re-population effort he’s perplexingly spearheaded, well, the answer is “definitely not” if his mixing up of the handwritten Mother’s Day cards he attempted to hand out is any indication.

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Heidi Klum Did NOT Win Halloween This Year

Halloween isn’t only the one day of the year when I get in my car and drive through the neighborhood, looking to find a lazy person who just left a bowl of candies out for the kids, so that I can steal it and run off. It’s also the one day of the year when hundreds of sites declare that Heidi Klum Has Won Halloween Yet Again! Heidi Klum won last year when she did herself up like a Julie Masking version of Jessica Rabbit. Heidi won in 2014 when she did herself up as The Fly if The Fly was directed by Lisa Frank. And she won in 2013 when she did herself up as an Upper East Side abuelita. So last night, every blogger probably had their “Heidi Klum Got Another Gold Medal In Halloween-ing!” headlines ready to go, because Heidi Klum never really disappoints. But some were left confused and scared about the future of everything when she showed up to her annual Halloween party in NYC as herself. Heidi Klum came as Heidi Klum in one of Jennifer Lopez’s ugliest leotards, and was surrounded by a bunch of Klum klones. This is the part where we all wake up our inner Tyra Banks and scream at Heidi: “Do you know that all of America was rooting for you and then you come in here treating this like it’s a joke?! I was rooting for you! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU! How dare you!”

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Kat And Mau5 Are Going To Have An Underwater-Themed Wedding

I guess Kat Von D and Deadmau5 are ignoring the health department’s request and not getting married in a quarantine tent while officials in Hazmat suits spray them down with liquid antibiotics. Instead of doing that, Kat and Mau5 are planning on throwing an underwater-themed wedding. This is actually a good idea, because now their guests won’t look too weird when they throw bacteria-killing chlorine bleach at them before hugging them.

Kat Von D tells People that on August 10th, she will become Deadmau5’s future ex-wife during an underwater-themed wedding in front of 200 friends and family in Los Angeles. Kat says that she and Deadmau5 are really into the short story The Call of Cthulhu, about an octopus human, so their wedding will feature all the creatures of the sea. They’re going to have blue and green-colored food and performers dressed as mermaids. Kat also said that her dress is going to look like something the ocean threw up:

“It will have a sleek silhouette and include hints of iridescent teals, blues and deep violet ombré gradients. I didn’t know the dress was supposed to be a surprise.”

Kat and Mau5 both look like something rotten that a fisherman threw back into the ocean after it got caught in his net, so this underwater theme is perfect for them. I can already hear their guests let out an “awwww” when Kat’s crotch crabs come shuffling out in their bridesmaids dresses. I really hope that the front of their invitation has Deadmau5’s octopus sex tattoo on it, because that will set the tone for a day of true romance.

And here’s Kat wearing a zippered camel toe jumpsuit and alien heels to a book signing in NYC last night.

Just…A…Little…Further

Oh football, you disappoint us all. There you were – perfectly poised to pop Jennifer Lopez right in her smug face, something most of us can only dream of, and you just let her stop you?? Just like that?? That’s it football, we are FINISHED forever professionally. You disgust me. I hope someone kicked you hard for that.

So JLo and her son Casper Smart were at something called the Gasolina Celebrity Football Match in Puerto Rico and as much as it pains me to admit it, Jennifer is showing some skill instead of looking like a complete fool. Casper on the other hand can’t help it.

The pictures in the gallery capture truly beautiful moments, such as apocalyptic fart, slow Kojak, and AW MOM. I can’t believe these two are still together. Take notes Demi, the way to keep the way younger man is to make sure he’s a broke ass bitch that can never, ever leave your AmEx black card you. I would suggest that unlike Jennifer though, you find one worth keeping first.

The Douchiest Proposal Ever

Kat Von D and Deadmau5 started rubbing their tattooed genitals together last September and they stopped for a minute in November after she subtly accused him of passing his mau5 dick to another whore, but true love always prevails! Mau5 just couldn’t get enough of licking Jesse James’ dried jizz off of Kat Von D’s stomach, because they got back together and now they’re engaged to be married. Like two 15-year-olds who met on MySpace and live thousands of miles apart, Deadmau5 asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter and tweeted a picture of the ring he’s going to get her:

After Kat Von D printed that picture out and wrapped it around her finger, she typed these words:

And then DeadMau5 kept this public display of pure class going….

I really can’t wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he’s still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there’s that.

via UsWeekly