Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
Look at those two stunning pastel yellow angels; I bet that’s the first image that greets your eyes when you approach the gates of Heaven.
E! says that human cigarette Lindsay Lohan and the flawless icon of wino glamour who birthed her Dina Lohan are spending some quality mother-daughter bonding time by suing Fox News together. It all started back in February 2014 on an episode of Hannity, where Sean Hannity and some of his Fox pals were discussing the recent drug overdose of Philip Seymour Hoffman, before debating who might be next (stay classy, Fox News). That’s when Hannity panel guest Michelle Fields threw out Lindsay Lohan’s name and saying “Lindsay’s mom is doing cocaine with her.”
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Seen above beaming at the face while looking across the street and seeing a blinking OPEN sign on the bar that she’s going to have a celebratory “first DUI conviction” cocktail at, White Oprah was in court today to plead guilty to what her freckled human ATM has done a million times before: drive while the sweet nectar is flowing through her veins.
Last September, White Oprah finally contributed to her family’s DUI legacy by getting arrested for driving drunk and speeding on Long Island. White Oprah was in court today to answer to the charges and she shocked a nation when she didn’t take a cue from Lindsay Lohan by blaming it on the black kid and she didn’t say to the judge, “Listen, this is obviously just a big misunderstanding that I’m sure we can work out,” while making blow job motions. TMZ says that White Oprah pleaded guilty to DUI and speeding and since it was her inaugural DUI, the judge only gave her 100 hours of community service (“Uh, can this bitch’s community service be to leave our community and never come back?” – the community) and she’ll have to take a DUI class. Her license was revoked, that interlock shit will be put in her car and she’ll have to pay a bunch of fines, so say goodbye to one of your kidneys, little Cody Lohan, because mama’s going to need to sell it on the black market to pay the courts!
What’s really surprising is that the judge didn’t immediately dismiss the case, scream, “PLEASE DON’T HURT MY FAMILY,” and then scurry off to their chambers. Because when you stare into the beady, cloudy eyes of White Oprah’s evil gnome of a lawyer Mark Heller, you see the soul of a charbroiled leprechaun who will nibble on the tips of your fingers when you sleep and cackle outside of your window in the dead of night if you do him wrong. I guess the judge isn’t afraid of a shifty leprechaun gnome who spends his off-time in a toddler-sized tanning bed. Judges are so brave nowadays.
War and Peace
Step the fuck aside.
High school students the world over can rejoice because all copies of The Great Gatsby have been thrown in the trash, and The New York Times Best Seller list is roping off the #1 spot in anticipation for the most dramatic, important novel this side of The Grapes of Wrath after Radar broke the news that Dina Lohan has finished writing a tell-all book:
“To clean up a rumor, Lindsay is not writing a book at this time,” Dina said in an exclusive interview. But, the Lohan matriarch confirmed the she is indeed about to spill family secrets in her own tell-all tome.
“My book is finished!” Dina said.
So how does her 27-year-old daughter Lindsay feel about her mother dishing about the famed and notorious family?
“She is supportive of my book as well as my other three children,” Dina said.
Chapter titles include: Ali Needs To Make More Money, My Favourite Child Is A 2L Bottle Of Vodka, and It’s So Crazy That Everyone Thinks I Look Young Enough To Be Lindsay’s Sister, Right?
Now, historically, a “tell-all” book is a truthful account of real-life events, but we all know that White Oprah sashay-chante’s for the House of Delusion, so the only non-fiction elements in this book will be page numbers. The rest will be an epic story
full of shit full of lies, deception, and heartbreak (and that’s just the chapter on Dina’s fight with the floor lamp she mistook for a bartender). The source material for this book alone makes it worthy of a read, but imagining Dina drunkenly firing every ghost writer hired to help her write this disaster and then trying to write it herself takes me so much higher, I’m nearly reaching Lindsay levels of light-headedness. Get me some smelling salts and a strong cup of coffee; I need to come down before I cross to the other side and book an appointment for some yarn-looking hair extensions and a cheap Long Island spray tan.
And – DUH – Radar, of course Lindsay isn’t writing a book about her life just yet; she’s still trying to get clearance from Christina Crawford to use the title Mommie Drunkest.
(Pic via Splash)
Seen here after murdering whatever was left of her career and dignity (or maybe it was one of those heavy, heavy flow days), Lindsay Lohan is supposedly scooting her freckled labia jerky all over the 18-year-old son of Liam Neeson and the late Natasha Richardson. In a semi-dark room somewhere, a light bulb flickers as Liam Neeson ties up his 18-year-old son and tells him that it’s either this or sell him off to the human traffickers he saved Maggie Grace from in Taken.
Page Six says that 27-year-old LiLo has taken a break tainting 19-year-old twink model Liam Dean and is now getting with Michael Neeson. Michael and LiLo partied together at a party last week and last Friday night, they were seen going into the ladies bathroom together at a club called Finale in Manhattan. Some source dribbled this out:
“Lindsay seems to have this thing for younger men at the moment. They were together at a house party of one of Lindsay’s stylist friends before Thanksgiving, and were together at Finale on Friday. Lindsay was seen leading him into the women’s bathroom, hand-in-hand. The odd thing was that Dean was with them all night, even though Lindsay had been seeing him, too.”
Liam’s rep denied it and LiLo’s rep (yes, she still has one of those) says that they’re just friends. Of course Liam’s rep denied it. The rep probably called Liam up, told him about the story and took Liam’s crying, bawling, screaming about where did he go wrong as a parent and wall punching as a denial.
When an 18-year-old dude goes into a club bathroom with Lindsay Lohan, one of three things is going down:
1. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat.
2. They’re going to snort lines off of a toilet seat and then bone until the dude’s will to survive overrides the burning sensation on his dick tip.
3. They’re going to read to each other from The Poetry of Emily Dickinson while sipping from a flask full of lukewarm chamomile tea. Hey, bitch has shocked us before, she can shock us again.
It’s probably the first or second one, which is why parents really need to talk to their white teenage sons about the dangers of Lindsay Lohan. Doing one harmless line with LiLo in a club bathroom could lead to doing several lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to always doing lines with LiLo in a club bathroom, which could lead to spending time at her house on the holidays, which could lead to White Oprah barfing on his face while giving him a drunken lap dance to “Santa Baby” on Christmas morning. That sounds terrifying enough to be the plot for Taken 3.
(Pic via Tyler Shields)
Jimmy hats off to all of you whores and slores who wrote Santa a letter this year asking for a take-no-shit judge in Dina Lohan’s DWI case because according to TMZ, he has ordered her to undergo a full psych evaluation before returning to court on January 7.
Dina’s attorney, Mark Heller (who gives me serious shades of a miniature Rock Biter from The Neverending Story) told the judge that she is sober following her September arrest where she blew a .20, but he wasn’t buying it. I don’t know, maybe he has a little thing called THE INTERNET and already knows Dina is so full of shit that’s the reason her eyes are brown.
Mark blamed the DWI on the pressures of the paparazzi following Dina. Who knew it was so hard being one half of the asshole parentage of a washed up child actor that it would keep someone from calling a cab, instead making them slide across the hood of their car (using stank ass cooch secretions as lube) like some kind of boozed up Bo Duke and driving off in a cloud of fumes that could knock a buzzard of a shit wagon?
You know during the evaluation, the psychologist will hold up random inkblots and all Dina will see is herself as a Rockette, Ali on the cover of Vogue, a six pack of Bartles & Jaymes wine coolers and Lindsay holding an Oscar in the first four. In the fifth, she’ll see Michael face down in a ditch wearing a mesh shirt (DO NOT if you just ate or are about to). Dina won’t even need to come up with anything off the cuff about how wonderful her family is- she can just regurgitate all the bullshit from the video TMZ has of Mark talking up Gin Cleaver.
Because we’re living in a not right and totally unjust society where it’s actually illegal to turn your car into a death machine by driving while plastered and the cops won’t always let you go if you give them a sloppy handy in the back of their car, White Oprah was charged with a DWI over a week ago and she was in court on Long Island today to answer to those charges. And she brought along my favorite character from Lindsay Lohan’s happy fun time court days: MARK HELLER!
White Oprah’s checking account is about as empty as her head, but good thing for her, Mark Heller is the kind of shady bridge troll who works for the toe nails of children and she has a few children who can grow those, so it’s a win/win for everyone! Mark and White Oprah played it extremely subtle by showing up to court in a chauffeured Rolls Royce. White Oprah pleaded not guilty, because Lohans are allergic to taking responsibility for their shit and because Mark Heller thinks that the judge may fall for the “it was a black kid in a White Oprah costume” defense.
TMZ says that White Oprah was released back into civilization without bail, but the court took her drivers license away.
I’m sure White Oprah will be vindicated! Mark Heller will successfully argue that yes, White Oprah blew a 0.20 on the Breathalyzer, but her blood alcohol level is always twice the legal limit. Bitch was born with a 0.20 blood alcohol level. She’s just always drunk. And besides, what judge will rule against a fancy lawyer who looks like a miniaturized Henry Wrinkler-on-the-barbie and carries a really fancy Louis Vuitton briefcase. You know a ho is serious when he’s carrying a Louis Vuitton briefcase. Fun fact: Mark’s Louis Vuitton briefcase is actually a regular-sized wallet and they put a handle on it especially for him. Bitch has got it like that.
And yes, I’m squeeing thinking of all the cute, little legal documents he’s got in that little briefcase.
The other Oprah might soon smell the scent of pussy farts, three-day-old barf, rancid dick cheese, crack smoke, 99 Cent Store self-tanner and whiskey wafting out of her Montecito guest house, and she’ll figure that Dr. Phil just crashed at her pad without asking again. But it won’t be Dr. Phil. It’ll be White Oprah, because she’ll soon need somewhere to squat now that the bank is threatening to take her Chateau de Delusion AGAIN!
For the second time in a year, the bank has started proceedings to snatch away White Oprah’s $1.3 million home on Long Island. TMZ says that after not paying her mortgage again, JP Morgan Chase Bank filed a lawsuit to foreclose on her house. White Oprah and foreclosure go together like Michael Lohan and mesh shirts, so she’s been through this a few times before and always finds a way to get out of it. LiLo gave White Oprah $40,000 last year to save her house.
Chase really needs to cut a bitch a break. White Oprah can’t pay her mortgage, because she spends all her money on gin. What do they want her to do? Go thirsty? White Oprah will get out of this. The bitch always does. She’ll
steal borrow another $40,000 from LiLo or she’ll sell The Curious Case of Ali Lohan to a sheik with a zombie fetish.
Since the inside walls of that house have seen some dark-sided and terrifying shit (see: Michael Lohan naked), White Oprah should lease it out to FX so they can use it for the fourth season of American
With her tit hanging out like a miserable blobfish trying to escape, Lindsay Lohan went to visit the other tit in her life, her mom, today on Long Island. No, LiLo wasn’t there to welcome DUIna Lohan into the DUI Club. Radar says that LiLo isn’t surprised that White Oprah got a DUI and has been distancing herself from her mess of a mother. A source who definitely isn’t Michael Lohan (it’s probably Michael Lohan) said this:
“Lindsay wasn’t surprised that her mom got popped for a DUI. It was only a matter of time, according to Lindsay. Since being released from rehab, Lindsay has had limited contact with her mother because Dina can be a bad influence on her daughter’s sobriety. Dina will say she is the last person that has a problem with booze, but she does. Lindsay loves her mom, but she is putting herself first, and her recovery, which is a very good thing.”
When Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re a bad influence, fuck….
You won’t find one ho who is surprised that White Oprah got a DUI, but I was surprised that it was her first DUI! How can that be? Is that even possible? Here I was thinking that White Oprah and Michael Lohan would gather their children around, open up their photo album and show off all their mug shots from over the years.
Now that LiLo is supposedly sober and done with fucking up, White Oprah can be the one who stars in TMZ live feeds from the court room. Who knew that White Oprah was a late bloomer?