Lindsay Lohan recently spoke with Vanity Fair about turning 30 (which happens tomorrow), and she talked about what the next chapter in her life holds. According to Lindsay Lohan, everyone’s favorite actress-turned-sloppy mess-turned-really sloppy mess-turned-future Mrs. Rich Russian Guy is writing a book. The people in charge of handing out Pulitzer Prizes should probably go ahead and start practicing how to engrave the name “LINDSAY DEE MORGAN (whatever her middle name is) LOHAN“, because they’ll be calling her freckled ass to the podium to collect all the awards sometime in the not-so-distant future.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
Look at those two stunning pastel yellow angels; I bet that’s the first image that greets your eyes when you approach the gates of Heaven.
E! says that human cigarette Lindsay Lohan and the flawless icon of wino glamour who birthed her Dina Lohan are spending some quality mother-daughter bonding time by suing Fox News together. It all started back in February 2014 on an episode of Hannity, where Sean Hannity and some of his Fox pals were discussing the recent drug overdose of Philip Seymour Hoffman, before debating who might be next (stay classy, Fox News). That’s when Hannity panel guest Michelle Fields threw out Lindsay Lohan’s name and saying “Lindsay’s mom is doing cocaine with her.”
Leave it t professional polyester life mess Dina Lohan to find a way to make Michael Lohan’s wedding seem even trashier. Oh, White Oprah – how I’ve missed you, you gorgeous wine-scented butter-colored cocker spaniel. On Tuesday, TMZ broke the news that human ball rash Michael Lohan had married former Jon Gosselin humper and current knocked-up drunk muppet Kate Major on a beach in Florida last month. But White Oprah isn’t so sure about the whole thing.
TMZ caught up with The Ghost of Lindsay Lohan Future at LAX yesterday and asked if she knew about her ex-husband getting married (since his own kids sure as hell didn’t), and Dina answers that Michael texted her and told her he didn’t actually get married, adding the 4 words that most accurately define White Oprah: “I’m kind of confused.” That’s when TMZ tells Dina that there are pictures of Michael and Kate’s wedding, to which Dina calls bullshit, saying: “I don’t know, he said he didn’t, but then again…“. And because she’s nicknamed White Oprah for a reason, she ends the conversation by telling TMZ to “Follow the light“. I think she means the light to the fridge. Follow the light, and you’ll always find a chilled box of white wine!
Oh boy, who to believe? The messy lie-telling parent who says they got married or the messy lie-telling parent who says they didn’t? I mean, there’s a 98% chance that White Oprah was three sheets to the wind when they spoke to her in the airport, and she’s probably recalling a text conversation from 4 years ago, but there’s an even greater chance that Lindsay’s attention whore of a father faked the whole thing to get attention. The only way to get the truth is to interrogate Kate Major’s trash rat acrylic nails. Exquisite amateur porn star blowjob nail tips never lie!
Seen above beaming at the face while looking across the street and seeing a blinking OPEN sign on the bar that she’s going to have a celebratory “first DUI conviction” cocktail at, White Oprah was in court today to plead guilty to what her freckled human ATM has done a million times before: drive while the sweet nectar is flowing through her veins.
Last September, White Oprah finally contributed to her family’s DUI legacy by getting arrested for driving drunk and speeding on Long Island. White Oprah was in court today to answer to the charges and she shocked a nation when she didn’t take a cue from Lindsay Lohan by blaming it on the black kid and she didn’t say to the judge, “Listen, this is obviously just a big misunderstanding that I’m sure we can work out,” while making blow job motions. TMZ says that White Oprah pleaded guilty to DUI and speeding and since it was her inaugural DUI, the judge only gave her 100 hours of community service (“Uh, can this bitch’s community service be to leave our community and never come back?” – the community) and she’ll have to take a DUI class. Her license was revoked, that interlock shit will be put in her car and she’ll have to pay a bunch of fines, so say goodbye to one of your kidneys, little Cody Lohan, because mama’s going to need to sell it on the black market to pay the courts!
What’s really surprising is that the judge didn’t immediately dismiss the case, scream, “PLEASE DON’T HURT MY FAMILY,” and then scurry off to their chambers. Because when you stare into the beady, cloudy eyes of White Oprah’s evil gnome of a lawyer Mark Heller, you see the soul of a charbroiled leprechaun who will nibble on the tips of your fingers when you sleep and cackle outside of your window in the dead of night if you do him wrong. I guess the judge isn’t afraid of a shifty leprechaun gnome who spends his off-time in a toddler-sized tanning bed. Judges are so brave nowadays.