At least temporarily while she’s in the United States talking to other Americans.
I’m sure the busted Euro-purr Lindsay Lohan puts on when she’s out of the country will return the second her plane crosses the 30th meridian west. “Hello, flight attendant? May I bother you for some (crosses line) of zee…how you say, wah-toor? Wahtoor wiss…uh…how you say, slice of ze lemon?”
If Lindsay Lohan didn’t scrub her Instagram page clean and was still posting it, I would say that we should all prepare to see pics from her “mystery trip” in the Middle East, because her mom’s got serious, serious bills to pay and Dina Lohan can’t pay them herself. Are you crazy? When White Oprah even thinks of the word “job,” she breaks out into invisible hives and the only cure is a refreshing Long Island Iced tea from T.G.I. Friday’s.
Lindsay Lohan recently spoke with Vanity Fair about turning 30 (which happens tomorrow), and she talked about what the next chapter in her life holds. According to Lindsay Lohan, everyone’s favorite actress-turned-sloppy mess-turned-really sloppy mess-turned-future Mrs. Rich Russian Guy is writing a book. The people in charge of handing out Pulitzer Prizes should probably go ahead and start practicing how to engrave the name “LINDSAY DEE MORGAN (whatever her middle name is) LOHAN“, because they’ll be calling her freckled ass to the podium to collect all the awards sometime in the not-so-distant future.
Yesterday, Lindsay Lohan got everyone talking about Lindsay Lohan in the year 2016 by probably leaking the news that she got engaged before getting her spokeswhore to deny it because she wanted to create a mysterious story arc for the tabloids. I see that LiLo took a course in whoring from Pimp Mama Kris on that MasterClass site, whose ads are always dirtying up my Facebook feed.
TMZ was the first to fart up the news that LiLo’s 22-year-old Russian piece of around 5 months, Egor Tarabasov, proposed to her over the weekend, and she said yes. But a quick second later, LiLo’s rep crop dusted the Internet by farting up the same denial statement to everyone. Her rep said that the rumors were not true. But the fame whore plot thins! While sandwiched between two tanning booth-roasted pieces of hot trash at the Duran Duran show in NYC last night, LiLo made sure that the photographers got a shot her wearing a ring on her weddin’ finger. Since you most likely don’t notice the ring in that picture, because you’re too busy making a, “Chichis so saggy that in a few years they’ll probably line up with those nipple tassels,” joke in your head, here’s a close-up of it:
The only real rings I own are of the cock variety, so I’m no expert, but to me, that looks like a green apple Jolly Rancher framed by a bunch of aluminum foil balls. In other words, it’s the most perfect and opulent engagement ring I’ve ever seen. Egor was also at the Duran Duran show last night, so either they’re really engaged, or he’s a shameless stunt puller like her, or she also took a hypnotism class on that MasterClass site and hypnotized him into proposing to her. I’m tempted to go with the latter, because I bet LiLo also used her hypnotism skills to hypnotize Duran Duran into letting her perform with them AGAIN.
On another sort-of different note, LiLo’s look last night was very “rode hard middle-aged divorced trophy wife who is trolling for her next husband at a Casino in Reno, NV” and that IS the look.
Alternate title: Just another Thursday night at the Lohan-Major house. Seen above in her most recent post-fight selfie, Kate Major and her husband of 5 months Michael Lohan are at it again, and by it, I of course mean being next-level life messes. Don’t worry, I’ll wait while you wipe the look of fake shock off your face.
TMZ says that on Thursday night, Kate Major proved that she’s coming for Lindsay Lohan’s crown as Messiest Lohan (“Here, you can have it – I tried to pawn it last week, but they told me vodka labels wrapped around American Spirit boxes was worthless” said Lindsay over Skype from an internet cafe in London) by getting drunk and pulling some Street Fighter moves on Michael. Michael claims Kate came home drunk last night and they started fighting, which turned into brawling, which turned into Kate whipping out her legendary acrylic porn star blow job nail tips and scratching him up like a cat on a new couch.
Look at those two stunning pastel yellow angels; I bet that’s the first image that greets your eyes when you approach the gates of Heaven.
E! says that human cigarette Lindsay Lohan and the flawless icon of wino glamour who birthed her Dina Lohan are spending some quality mother-daughter bonding time by suing Fox News together. It all started back in February 2014 on an episode of Hannity, where Sean Hannity and some of his Fox pals were discussing the recent drug overdose of Philip Seymour Hoffman, before debating who might be next (stay classy, Fox News). That’s when Hannity panel guest Michelle Fields threw out Lindsay Lohan’s name and saying “Lindsay’s mom is doing cocaine with her.”