Miley Cyrus Performed With A Big Dick Last Night

No, she didn’t sing a duet with her daddy. I went ahead and pixelated that whole picture and not because of her plastic chichis or dinosaur dick strap-on. I pixelated it, because I wanted to protect your eyes from the sight of her exposing the top of her pantyhose. That’s definitely the most offensive and tackiest part of her ensemble.

The cracked out hillbilly chipmunk’s Dead Petz tour left a glittery butt skid mark of fuckery in Chicago last night when Miley Cyrus performed while looking like something that fell out of a Lisa Frank porn. When Miley and The Flaming Lips announced their tour, Wayne Coyne said that she wanted to do the show while everyone, even the audience, was asshole-out naked and covered in milk. Someone on that tour with at least half a working brain cell must have figured out that milk + a bunch of naked high messes = a giant cereal bowl of diseased nightmares.

So instead of doing that, Miley dick slapped us all in the face with ten loads of OHSOEDGY by doing herself up like a slutty pear-shaped baby stripper and whatever the hell she’s supposed to be in the picture above. She looks like a rejected member of Jem and the Holograms who had to pay her bills by working as a dominatrix at a sex club that caters to men who really want to be ass fucked with an alien peen strap-on. Just like that, Tom Cruise wrote the name “Miley Cyrus” next to the number one on the list of possible brides. Miley is also giving me “white acid trip 80s Tina Turner starring in a community theater production of Exit to Eden the Musical.”

This is what happens when a 90s baby really, really wishes they lived through the 80s.

And after seeing this picture of Miley as a giant stick of butter, I’m waiting for them to announce that the entire tour has been cancelled, because she has gone missing.

I’m sure footage from a surveillance camera outside of the theater will show Paula Deen wobbling out of the stage door with a pantyhose-covered foot dangling from her twat.

Pics: Splash

Kid Rock Says He Doesn’t Have Insane Clown Posse’s Glass Dildo, So Stop Asking

Two weeks ago, human TruckNutz Kid Rock received a subpoena in his mail box (which is probably shaped like a stripper wearing a Budweiser bikini) asking him to relinquish the glass dildo he received from former Insane Clown Posse employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond so it can be used as evidence in the harassment lawsuit between ICP and their former publicist. The subpoena stated that Kid Rock had 14 days to say his tearful goodbyes and hand over the glass dildo to a court of law. However, its been 14 days and still no sign of the missing glass dildo. Why? Because according to Kid Rock, there is no glass dildo (at least at his house), and he’s pissed off that his good name was ever dragged into this mess.

Kid Rock didn’t have a dildo to return, but he still wanted ICP’s lawyers to get fucked, so he took to his website and wrote two beautifully eloquent letters titled “All Parties Involved in This ICP Glass Dildo Case Can Shove One Up Their Ass: Kid Rock Responds”. They’re both long and hard (like a glass dildo), so I’ve hidden them after the cut.

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Kid Rock’s Glass Dildo Has Been Subpoenaed In The Insane Clown Posse Harassment Lawsuit

I was thinking about photoshopping a glass dildo into Kid Rock’s grimy paw, but then I realized I’ve already filled my quota of nightmares by making you picture Justin Bieber blue steel-ing it in a pair of tighty-whiteys.

Rolling Stone says that human dirty needle Kid Rock received a subpoena telling him to hand over his glass dildo after it was declared evidence in a lawsuit involving human wet garbage, the Insane Clown Posse. The subpoena states that former ICP employee “Dirty Dan” Diamond (I do not want to know how he got the nickname “Dirty Dan”) tried to give a glass dildo to former ICP publicist Andrea Pellegrini after learning that she was single. Andrea, who is suing the Insane Jagoff Posse for harassment and emotional distress, claims she didn’t want to be “Dirty Dans” slutty Cinderella, so she returned the glass dildo to sender. “Dirty Dan” claims to have then passed the unwanted glass dildo on to Kid Rock. I’m not sure why he gave it to Kid Rock, but I assume it’s because he hated him (nothing says “go fuck yourself” like giving someone a re-gifted dildo).

Kid Rock has 14 days to produce the glass dildo in court, and if he doesn’t…I dunno, maybe they’ll send a SWAT team to his house with a pack of highly-trained dildo-sniffing dogs or something. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually feel bad for Kid Rock; 14 days isn’t a lot of time to say your goodbyes to a beloved sex toy. Imagine if you received a letter in the mail that says you must surrender your favorite vibrator or butt plug or anal beads?? That would be heartbreaking! I’m getting all Not Without My Daughter just thinking about it. I bet that right now, Kid Rock is smuggling his dirty scum-crusted glass dildo in a hidden compartment in his suitcase as he boards a train bound for Canada. “Don’t worry, little fella. I promise, they’ll NEVER tear us apart!”

Don’t Ever Take Zac Efron’s Picture When He’s Standing Near A Bunch Of Dildos

Or is the plural of dildo “Kardashians”? I’m not sure.

Anyway, a paparazzo was strolling by the window of the Fantasy World sex shop in the West Village the other day when something shiny, plastic and beautiful caught his eye. The paparazzo looked into the window and saw the most pretty and special dildo he’s ever seen in his life and it was surrounded by a bunch of homely dildos. And as the paparazzo’s body twitched while thinking about all the places he’d like to take that pretty, pretty dildo, the pretty, pretty dildo blinked! It wasn’t a dildo. It was just the most beautiful Disney princess of all-time Zac Efron! So the paparazzo pulled out his camera and started taking pictures of Zac standing next to a menagerie of plastic dicks (click here to see the picture, that glowing blue one looks like its begging Zac to kiss it gently). The New York Post says that when Zac realized the pap was taking pictures of him in a garden of toy dicks, he ran after the pap. A witness type said this to the Post:

“Zac was begging the guy to delete the pictures. He kept telling him that he has so many young fans and he didn’t want them to see it.”

The pap refused, so Zac’s spokeswhores quickly put out a statement saying that he was at the sex store to film a scene for his new movie. So Zac Efron was shooting a scene with a bunch of dildos as his co-stars (wouldn’t be the first time, see: High School Musical) and I’m guessing that scene is going to be in the movie, but yet he’s begging a paparazzo to delete a picture of him with a bunch of dildos? That makes sense! But whatever, Zac shouldn’t be so dramatic. It’s not like his little, innocent fans haven’t seen him with a bunch of dildos before (again, see: High School Musical). And we should all be impressed, because Zac was able to chase after that pap while a butt plug he was trying on was firmly stuck up his culo.