You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.
The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.
The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.
Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.
It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.
And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.
Many years of watching endless Law & Order marathons have taught me a little about the criminal justice system. For example, usually when a person comes at their son’s football coach with a kettlebell and threatens to “fuck him up“, they should also pull their best “Not Guilty” suit out of storage and prepare to see the inside of a courtroom. However, it sounds like Diddy won’t have to worry about doing any of that.
Diddy was charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon, one count of making terrorist threats, and one count of battery for threatening to take out UCLA strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi on Monday afternoon. But TMZ says the UCLA football coaching staff are nervously tugging at their collars and talking about having those charges dropped. According to sources, the coaching staff at UCLA wants to make this messy situation with Diddy disappear like Diddy would with a bad bottle of Cambodian breast milk. They apparently tried to when it first happened, but an intern – who clearly isn’t a Making the Band fan – squealed to the police and that’s how Diddy ended up getting arrested.
Apparently nobody from UCLA wants to see a public trial happen, including UCLA’s head coach Jim Mora. The only problem preventing this shit from getting successfully swept under the rug would be those pesky interns, but TMZ seems to think that if Jim Mora backs away from the charges, his interns will too, and everything will be dropped. And if that doesn’t work, Diddy might want to think about landing a helicopter full of unmarked hundreds onto the field at UCLA with a note encouraging them to get their hush on.
Even Diddy’s son seems okay with making what Diddy did go away. Justin Combs posted a picture of his father and himself to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “I thank God for having a father that’s always there for me.. Love you pops!”
Diddy’s alleged kettlebell rage was all caught on tape, so there’s still a chance the DA could try prosecute without any victims, but law enforcement sources claim that would be difficult. But based on what I know about TV court shows, I’m going to guess Diddy’s lawyers will be working the “My client was clearly just rehearsing a scene for a play about a man who confronts his son’s football coach using a kettlebell” angle.
Seen above looking like a fourth-rate Yellow Pages DMC from Run DMC impersonator sticking out of a giant grizzly bear’s pussy, Diddy was arrested by campus police at UCLA this afternoon after he allegedly went crazy on his son’s football coach and threatened to smash a trick with a kettlebell. If you’re like me and don’t know what a kettlebell is, because you only go to the gym to watch buff guys workout and to use the hot tub, this is what a kettlebell looks like:
TMZ says that the fight went down at the UCLA Athletic Facility today. A source tells TMZ that yesterday, a Strength and Conditioning Coach (Side note: My hair could use a Strength and Conditioning Coach because shit has been brittle and dry lately) screamed at Diddy’s son Justin Combs, who is a defensive back on the team, and rode his ass hard (and not in a sexy way). The coach Sal Alosi allegedly told Justin not to come back until the end of the summer. So Diddy went to UCLA today to have a little talk with Sal Alosi.
A source close to Diddy (Hi Diddly’s publicist!) claims that Sal Alosi refused to see him, but he busted into the office anyway. Sal threatened to call security and shit got serious when Diddy said, “Fine, I’ll call the police.” Sal lost his mind and went after Diddy. Diddy grabbed a kettlebell and held it up, but never hit Sal with it. A UCLA source tells a different story, of course. That source claims that Sal was on the phone when Diddy came into the office. Sal told Diddy to hold on, but the only thing he wanted to hold on to was Sal’s ripped-off head. That source says that Diddy picked up the kettlebell and tried to hit Sal in the head with it.
Diddy was arrested on a charge of assault with a deadly weapon. As of Monday night, Diddy is still in campus jail. (Update: Diddy was transferred to L.A. County jail where he was charged with three counts of assault with a deadly kettlebell, one count of making terrorist threats and one count of battery. He paid the $50,000 bail and was released.)
The entire messy scene is on video, so I’m sure it will show up on TMZ in 3..2….
There’s another layer of fuckery on top of this fuckery enchilada. Sal Alosi used to be a coach for the NY Jets and he was suspended by the NFL in 2010 for purposefully tripping a Miami Dolphins player during a game.
I bet that video looks like a fight on Dance Moms, only bitchier and with more high-pitched screaming. You know what’s hard to believe about this story? I’m having a hard time believing that Diddy actually picked up that kettlebell by himself. I mean, Diddly can’t even hold an umbrella in his delicately manicured hands. Are we sure one of his butlers didn’t pick up the kettlebell for him?
In Case You Missed It, Here’s Jamie Foxx Delivering Some Raw Emotion While Yodeling Out The National Anthem
I didn’t watch that Merriweather vs. La Pequeña fight last night, because if I want to watch two sweaty dudes hug all sweet-like and give each other blows to the face, I’ll log into Sean Cody. Besides, if there’s a fight in a ring and none of the beauties from GLOW are involved, I’m not interested. But apparently everyone watched that mess (the fight even fucked with Robert Downey Jr.’s money) and from what I read, the consensus is that the fight was about as exciting and riveting as watching two sleepy toddlers on Ritalin play with a half-broken boxing ring toy. Apparently, the best part happened before the fight when Katie Holmes’ maybe fuck buddy opened his mouth and made the bald eagle cry with his version of The Star-Spangled Banner. Shit had more ups, downs and surprises than the actual fight.
While Mary J. Blige, Beyonce and Mimi sat in the audience, Jamie and an organ player took our ears all sorts of places. Of course, some hating bitches on Twitter said that Jamie should be arrested for butchering the National Anthem and said that his runs made them want to run away. But I, for one, loved it, especially the last super messy 10 seconds.
I didn’t even watch that stupid fight and can say that Jamie Foxx’s performance was more thrilling. You didn’t know who was going to win: Jamie Foxx’s vocal cords or those high notes? And that random “hallelujah” at the end probably made a thousand haters say “hallelujah” too, because they were glad it was finally over.
And here’s some famous hos who were at last night’s Jamie Foxx Does The National Anthem Show (featuring that fight).
I’ll give you three guesses as to where this dramatic mess took place. Oh fuck it, it happened at Art Basel in Miami (as if I really needed to even say it). So the past couple of days haven’t been so great for the soft-spoken snuggle prince of Canada. On Saturday, he found himself in the middle of a high school internet fight between Chris Brown and Karrueche Tran after he was accused of going on “dates” with Karrueche while Chris was locked up in jail. And then on Sunday – well, technically Monday, since this all went down at 4am (4am? WTF? Who parties at 4am when you could be sleeping?), Drake found his face on the receiving end of P. Diddy’s fist in the middle of a club.
It’s not exactly clear what started the fight, but there are two theories. According to the NY Daily News, Drake said something to Diddy’s girlfriend Cassie. Some sources say he was flirting, while other say he said something rude. Regardless, Diddy stepped in and whooped Wheelchair Jimmy. But according to Page Six, the fight had nothing to do with Cassie; sources claim that Drake and Diddy were arguing over the rights to a song and that’s when Diddy popped Drake in face.
Either way, it ended with Drake dislocating his shoulder and being taken to the hospital. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to light a new candle in my Drake shrine (aka a pile of Tim Horton’s timbits on a Degrassi Panthers jersey) and pray that Diddy didn’t mess up his beautiful unfrozen caveman face. I don’t care if he was hitting on Cassie or not, Diddy – you better not have fucked up Drake’s moneymaker!
And if Drake can learn anything from this weekend, it’s that he needs to close his gentle hugging arms to taken women.
If you’re sitting there thinking “I’m sorry, but when did these two rub down-lows?“, then we’re both in the same boat, because I sure as hell don’t remember Cameron Diaz and P. Diddy being a couple. Then again, I spent most of the mid-2000s pickling my brain with Dr. Pepper and cheap red wine (I called it a “Medical Malpractice”), so I might have just forgotten. But according to Us Weekly, Cammy and Diddy did do the dirty d a couple times back in the day, and now Diddy gets sad when he thinks about it.
A source claims that Diddy was at dinner with some friends and they started talking about Cammy and her new boyfriend, human dirty lip ring Benji Madden. That’s when Diddy got all misty-eyed and said:
“If I could turn back time, things would be different! She’s the sexiest girl in the world.”
I want to feel bad for Sad Diddy, but all I can think of after hearing Diddy say “If I could turn back time” is Diddy working the hell out of a full-body fishnet onesie for a bunch of rowdy sailors on a battleship, and it’s making me far too happy.
I don’t blame Diddy for wishing he was still with Cameron, because that bitch seems like all sorts of fun. But you can’t tame a carefree slut like Cammy D; to do so would be like clipping a slutty sparrow’s wings. Besides, even if he was able to get back together with Cameron, it wouldn’t last long. Cameron needs to fulfill her destiny as a shamelessly horny Miami cougar. You need to set her free, Diddy – the 24-year-old pool boys of the future are depending on it!