I know it’s redundant of me to even ask, because we all know that Sue Ellen Mischke from Seinfeld has, is, and forever will always work the bra-under-a-blazer look the best. But Amber Rose is coming in a very close second. We all know that Amber Rose has a habit of bringing ten tons of jaw-dropping eleganza to the MTV VMAs. Sometimes she goes straight-up stripper, other times she keeps it a little more demure. This year she went tasteful and sophisticated with just a hint of “Oh, these?”
It’s just like that old saying, you know? The couple who wears giant matching diamond rings together, stays together after a cellphone fight in Beverly Hills (that’s a saying, right?). Two weeks ago, Diddy and Cassie reminded everyone they were still together by getting into a messy breakup fight in a car that ended with him stealing her cellphone and her mom calling the police. It sounded like the “U” in Cassie’s “Me & U” was no longer Diddy. However, some sources were saying that nobody was planning a “Congratulations, your crotch is free!” party for Cassie or Diddy just yet, because they breakup a lot and it usually doesn’t last. Looks like the sources were right on that one.
It’s been so long since I’ve heard anything about Diddy and his sexy life partner Cassie, that I just assumed they weren’t together anymore. I figured Cassie had moved on to another millionaire with only one name (probably Snoopy), while Diddy had made the next logical relationship step for a crazy rich guy: a $2.5 million high-tech robot from Japan called the miWife. As it turns out, they were still very much together. Well, at least until Wednesday night they were.
You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.
The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.
The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.
Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.
It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.
And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.
Many years of watching endless Law & Order marathons have taught me a little about the criminal justice system. For example, usually when a person comes at their son’s football coach with a kettlebell and threatens to “fuck him up“, they should also pull their best “Not Guilty” suit out of storage and prepare to see the inside of a courtroom. However, it sounds like Diddy won’t have to worry about doing any of that.
Diddy was charged with three counts of assault with a deadly weapon, one count of making terrorist threats, and one count of battery for threatening to take out UCLA strength and conditioning coach Sal Alosi on Monday afternoon. But TMZ says the UCLA football coaching staff are nervously tugging at their collars and talking about having those charges dropped. According to sources, the coaching staff at UCLA wants to make this messy situation with Diddy disappear like Diddy would with a bad bottle of Cambodian breast milk. They apparently tried to when it first happened, but an intern – who clearly isn’t a Making the Band fan – squealed to the police and that’s how Diddy ended up getting arrested.
Apparently nobody from UCLA wants to see a public trial happen, including UCLA’s head coach Jim Mora. The only problem preventing this shit from getting successfully swept under the rug would be those pesky interns, but TMZ seems to think that if Jim Mora backs away from the charges, his interns will too, and everything will be dropped. And if that doesn’t work, Diddy might want to think about landing a helicopter full of unmarked hundreds onto the field at UCLA with a note encouraging them to get their hush on.
Even Diddy’s son seems okay with making what Diddy did go away. Justin Combs posted a picture of his father and himself to Instagram yesterday with the caption: “I thank God for having a father that’s always there for me.. Love you pops!”
Diddy’s alleged kettlebell rage was all caught on tape, so there’s still a chance the DA could try prosecute without any victims, but law enforcement sources claim that would be difficult. But based on what I know about TV court shows, I’m going to guess Diddy’s lawyers will be working the “My client was clearly just rehearsing a scene for a play about a man who confronts his son’s football coach using a kettlebell” angle.
Seen above looking like a fourth-rate Yellow Pages DMC from Run DMC impersonator sticking out of a giant grizzly bear’s pussy, Diddy was arrested by campus police at UCLA this afternoon after he allegedly went crazy on his son’s football coach and threatened to smash a trick with a kettlebell. If you’re like me and don’t know what a kettlebell is, because you only go to the gym to watch buff guys workout and to use the hot tub, this is what a kettlebell looks like:
TMZ says that the fight went down at the UCLA Athletic Facility today. A source tells TMZ that yesterday, a Strength and Conditioning Coach (Side note: My hair could use a Strength and Conditioning Coach because shit has been brittle and dry lately) screamed at Diddy’s son Justin Combs, who is a defensive back on the team, and rode his ass hard (and not in a sexy way). The coach Sal Alosi allegedly told Justin not to come back until the end of the summer. So Diddy went to UCLA today to have a little talk with Sal Alosi.
A source close to Diddy (Hi Diddly’s publicist!) claims that Sal Alosi refused to see him, but he busted into the office anyway. Sal threatened to call security and shit got serious when Diddy said, “Fine, I’ll call the police.” Sal lost his mind and went after Diddy. Diddy grabbed a kettlebell and held it up, but never hit Sal with it. A UCLA source tells a different story, of course. That source claims that Sal was on the phone when Diddy came into the office. Sal told Diddy to hold on, but the only thing he wanted to hold on to was Sal’s ripped-off head. That source says that Diddy picked up the kettlebell and tried to hit Sal in the head with it.
Diddy was arrested on a charge of assault with a deadly weapon. As of Monday night, Diddy is still in campus jail. (Update: Diddy was transferred to L.A. County jail where he was charged with three counts of assault with a deadly kettlebell, one count of making terrorist threats and one count of battery. He paid the $50,000 bail and was released.)
The entire messy scene is on video, so I’m sure it will show up on TMZ in 3..2….
There’s another layer of fuckery on top of this fuckery enchilada. Sal Alosi used to be a coach for the NY Jets and he was suspended by the NFL in 2010 for purposefully tripping a Miami Dolphins player during a game.
I bet that video looks like a fight on Dance Moms, only bitchier and with more high-pitched screaming. You know what’s hard to believe about this story? I’m having a hard time believing that Diddy actually picked up that kettlebell by himself. I mean, Diddly can’t even hold an umbrella in his delicately manicured hands. Are we sure one of his butlers didn’t pick up the kettlebell for him?