After being broken up for a little over a month, it appears that 18-year-old millionaire lip gloss mogul Kylie Jenner might be letting Tyga work his creeper weasel game on her again. Just like that, the KUWTK writers let out a giant sigh of relief. They’ve finally secured a back-up story line for when viewers lose interest in the Toy Story Live! fight between the factory defect Troll doll and Teen Talk Barbie.
Even though that picture looks like it was shot by Patterson-Gimlin and developed by Mr. Magoo in the trunk of a car, it only took me about 0.3 seconds to spot Selena Gomez. Because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s recognizing people who should love themselves enough not to go to a Justin Bieber concert. Okay sure, that’s technically everyone in the picture above, but in this case, it’s specifically Selena Gomez.
The Screen Actors Guild Awards was last night and as you know big things happened in diversity. (Well, hello #SAGsSoBlack) But as you also know in life, the good comes with the bad. And if you need further proof of the latter statement take a look at the nominees who walked the red carpet. While many actresses effortlessly slayed (I’m looking at you Rachel McAdams.. “And I’m looking at you, Lori Petty!” – Michael), others lost sense of the space-time continuum and common sense, showing up dressed like a Project Runway reject designed their gowns. The latter remark is best applied to actress Alicia Vikander who wore a long-sleeved, sparkly Louis Vuitton dress that bore a striking resemblance to the afghan on Roseanne’s couch. The dress just screams, “We were short on material while sewing this number” with its large patchwork of mismatched colors and unflattering large squares. Instead of shutting down questions, Alicia’s dress incited a lot more. I ask you, “When has gold and blue ever worked as a color combination?”
I’m sure the snooty fashion mavericks at Louis Vuitton convinced her on that wolf ticket of a dress by saying, “Darling! It’s gorgeous on you! What more can you ask for: chic and 70s-inspired? Voila!” And of course, because she’s obligated by contract as the face of Louis Vuitton to wear it, she fell for it. But I don’t blame Alicia because her thought process is technically hazy considering she’s at stage 10 of dickmatization courtesy of her, er, well-equipped boyfriend Michael Fassbender. Yes, she did nab an award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Movie for her performance in The Danish Girl which is lovely. But I’m positive all she was concerned about was running back to her hotel room to get some Fassbender lovin.’ “Who cares about this God-forsaken borrowed dress,” Alicia mumbled to herself, statue clutched in her hand, as the elevator ascended back to her complimentary room. “I’m going to get plowed by the best of them as soon as I enter my room.”
My thoughts exactly, Alicia. My thoughts exactly.
For more of the horror show known as the red carpet, browse the slideshow below for WTF moments from some of your favorite actresses such as Nicole Kidman, Kaley Cuoco, Christina Hendricks, Laverne Cox, Rooney Mara, Kate Mara, January Jones, and many more.
For those of you looking at the potato quality picture above and thinking: “For why is some random dude singing to Selena Gomez and two of the three fairies from Sleeping Beauty in a fancy-ass bar?“, well, you got the Selena Gomez part right, but you missed the spoiled Timbit sitting next to her. Don’t beat yourself up over it; Justin Bieber totally blends into the background when he’s not throwing chairs around.
As you can see from the picture above, dickmatization’s former poster children Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber got together, and no, it wasn’t because Selena found a bunch of footy pajamas at her house and decided to return them to their rightful owner. Justin and Selena were caught hanging out at a hotel bar in Beverly Hills last night. And if that wasn’t enough to make you roll your eyes and reach for your “She don’t love herself” GIFs, then there’s also this little nugget of NO: Justin grabbed a mic and busted out a middle school talent show-sounding version “My Girl” to her. Which looked and sounded a little something like this.
No word on how many people in the bar were rushed to the hospital and treated for cringe-uries caused by second-hand embarrassment, but I’m going to assume the answer is: all of them. Neither Justin nor Selena has commented on whether or not they’re humping on each other again, so who even knows how permanent this shit is.
But he didn’t end the night with Selena, because apparently “My Girl” was short for “My Girl…Until Someone Hotter Comes Along“. Shortly after he made Thomas J. roll over in his grave, Justin Bieber hit up a club with Kylie Jenner. Which…also didn’t last very long, since Kylie left the club with Iggy Azalea’s former piece, ASAP Rocky. Yes, Kim Jr. has been single for all of 0.03 seconds, and already she might have a new man. A man who is a whole year older than Tyga. That sound you just heard was Kris Jenner cackling with glee into her morning bowl of spiders.
The nursery that is growing and raising Madonna’s future boy toys is probably freaking out, because if she’s doing old dudes now, their business is ruined forever!
The greasy nutsack with a face that is Sean Penn has shown up to Madge’s Rebel Fart tour in NYC and Vancouver. And at her Brooklyn show, she told the audience that her ex-husband wrote her a nice note telling her that he finally appreciates her art. Well, either Radar took those little facts and ran them through the FanFiction machine to create this story or Madge’s snatch has really reunited with Sean Penn’s dick.
Radar claims that 26 years after they got divorced, Sean and Madge are fucking again. Sean and Madge apparently stayed at the same hotel in Vancouver and he plans to join her tour through California so he can get him some of her muscled-up coochie as much as possible. The source also says that there’s a chance he could travel with her as she tours Europe.
Insiders told Radar their tour of love will continue this fall, as Penn was booked into the same hotel as the pop queen for her stays in Vancouver on October 16. He’s expected to follow her to Los Angeles for the latest leg of her world tour. And they could even fly together to Europe on October 29, said a source.
If this is true, then when Sean Penn goes to Madonna’s hotel room to rub down low parts with her, he probably wonders why he has to go through a metal detector and why her security pats him down to make sure the bat in his pants isn’t an actual bat and why there’s no chairs in her room. I wonder why? And when is the FDA going to declare Sean Penn’s dick one of the most dangerous and addictive street drugs in the country? Screw heroin, coke and Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Sean Penn’s dick is more addictive and dangerous than all of them. As soon as Sean sticks the tip in, the chick he’s screwing is so dickmatized that she doesn’t realize she’s doing Sean Penn. Where is Nancy Reagan to warn us of the dangers of Sean Penn’s dick?
And here’s Sean going to Freida Pinto’s birthday party in West Hollywood last night. Not you too, Freida! Get into rehab before it’s too late!
According to UsWeekly, Charlize Theron may have woken up from the dickmatized spell she was under and decided that she wants her pussy to go leather free. Some sources tell both UsWeekly and E! News that Charlize dumped fire-roasted, angry leather douchebag Sean Penn after they got back from Cannes last month. No reason was given as to why their love ate shit after being together for a year and a half, but does there really need to be a reason? The reason is: Bitch realized she was going to marry Sean Penn.
But really, I thought Charlize’s cooch was hypnotized in a serious way. They got engaged, she was reportedly going to let him adopt her kid, she dribbled at the mouth about how hot he is and just last month, they were all on each other at The Life Ball. “Stage 1 dickmatization” is when you let a messy dude drive your car and “stage the number is too big to type dickmatization” is when you let a messy dude adopt your child.
Charlize Theron dumping Sean Peen gives hope to all the hos out there whose genitals are sprung on some good dick attached to the wrong dude. There is a cure for dickmatization!