Category: Dickmatized

Okay, So Nicki Minaj Didn’t Meet Her Registered Sex Offender Boo While Handing Out Free Turkeys For Thanksgiving 

December 11, 2018 / Posted by:

On Twitter, a rumor sprouted that Nicki Minaj met her latest man Kenneth Petty, who went to prison for attempted rape and shooting a man, while handing out free turkeys in Queens. But TMZ claims that while Nicki may currently be serving Kenny Petty some BPA-filled plastic turkey (read: her ass), she’s never given him a free turkey. They apparently first got together 20 years ago when Nicki was 16 and he was 20. That means Nicki started farting up hearts for him right after he got out of prison after serving a 4 year sentence for pulling a knife on a 16-year-old girl and trying to rape her. It’s nice to know that Nicki has always had impeccable taste in men.

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Ariana Grande Got Another Pete Davidson Tattoo

July 14, 2018 / Posted by:

Page Six reports that Ariana Grande has been spotted with her sixth and newest Pete Davisdon tattoo since the couple hooked up two months and began their nauseating TMI and tattoo crime spree. How do we know that Ariana’s new tattoo is a direct homage to her fiancee? It’s his 10 inch dick curling around her face. No, but it is his second most defining characteristic, and that’s the word “Pete” on her marrying finger. Continue reading

After Dating For Approximately Four Seconds, Ariana Grande And Pete Davidson Are Engaged

June 11, 2018 / Posted by:

In case you haven’t been following the most enduring love story of this generation and beyond, let me give you a quick timeline of 24-year-old Ariana Grande Latte and 24-year-old Pete Davidson’s blossoming love:

May 10, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana and the Nickelodeon Eminem named Mac Miller broke up.

May 19, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was mumble moaning while humping on Pete Davidson from Saturday Night Live.

May 22, 2018 – It was reported that Ariana was so dickmatized by Pete and he was so coochmatized by her that they got matching tattoos.

June 1, 2018 – Their relationship had already gotten to that phase where she burped up vomit-inducing dingles of cheese like, “I thought you into my life.”

June 3, 2018 – Pete definitely got two tattoos in honor of his girlfriend of three seconds.

June 4, 2018 – Ariana and Pete joked about procreating.

June 11, 2018 – THEY’RE ENGAGED!!!!!

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Kylie Jenner And Tyga Are Reportedly “Hanging Out” Again

June 24, 2016 / Posted by:

After being broken up for a little over a month, it appears that 18-year-old millionaire lip gloss mogul Kylie Jenner might be letting Tyga work his creeper weasel game on her again. Just like that, the KUWTK writers let out a giant sigh of relief. They’ve finally secured a back-up story line for when viewers lose interest in the Toy Story Live! fight between the factory defect Troll doll and Teen Talk Barbie.

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Justin Bieber And Selena Gomez’s On-Again/Off-Again Relationship Might Be On-Again

March 24, 2016 / Posted by:

Even though that picture looks like it was shot by Patterson-Gimlin and developed by Mr. Magoo in the trunk of a car, it only took me about 0.3 seconds to spot Selena Gomez. Because if there’s anything I’m good at, it’s recognizing people who should love themselves enough not to go to a Justin Bieber concert. Okay sure, that’s technically everyone in the picture above, but in this case, it’s specifically Selena Gomez.

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Alicia Vikander Channels The Ugly Afghan On Roseanne’s Couch

January 31, 2016 / Posted by:

The Screen Actors Guild Awards was last night and as you know big things happened in diversity. (Well, hello #SAGsSoBlack) But as you also know in life, the good comes with the bad. And if you need further proof of the latter statement take a look at the nominees who walked the red carpet. While many actresses effortlessly slayed (I’m looking at you Rachel McAdams.. And I’m looking at you, Lori Petty!” – Michael), others lost sense of the space-time continuum and common sense, showing up dressed like a Project Runway reject designed their gowns. The latter remark is best applied to actress Alicia Vikander who wore a long-sleeved, sparkly Louis Vuitton dress that bore a striking resemblance to the afghan on Roseanne’s couch. The dress just screams, “We were short on material while sewing this number” with its large patchwork of mismatched colors and unflattering large squares. Instead of shutting down questions, Alicia’s dress incited a lot more. I ask you, “When has gold and blue ever worked as a color combination?”

I’m sure the snooty fashion mavericks at Louis Vuitton convinced her on that wolf ticket of a dress by saying, “Darling! It’s gorgeous on you! What more can you ask for: chic and 70s-inspired? Voila!” And of course, because she’s obligated by contract as the face of Louis Vuitton to wear it, she fell for it. But I don’t blame Alicia because her thought process is technically hazy considering she’s at stage 10 of dickmatization courtesy of her, er, well-equipped boyfriend Michael Fassbender. Yes, she did nab an award for Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Movie for her performance in The Danish Girl which is lovely. But I’m positive all she was concerned about was running back to her hotel room to get some Fassbender lovin.’ “Who cares about this God-forsaken borrowed dress,” Alicia mumbled to herself, statue clutched in her hand, as the elevator ascended back to her complimentary room. “I’m going to get plowed by the best of them as soon as I enter my room.”

My thoughts exactly, Alicia. My thoughts exactly.

For more of the horror show known as the red carpet, browse the slideshow below for WTF moments from some of your favorite actresses such as Nicole Kidman, Kaley Cuoco, Christina Hendricks, Laverne Cox, Rooney Mara, Kate Mara, January Jones, and many more.

Pics: Wenn.com

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