I don’t know if this makes cucumbers happy or sad, but I do know that now it’s safe for Joshua Jackson’s friends and family to eat cucumbers at his house again. Maybe.
Many relationships in Hollywood last about as long as a bag of Hostess Donnettes in my kitchen cabinet (read: 14.5 seconds), so 40-year-old Diane Kruger and 38-year-old Joshua Jackson truly slaughtered and butchered the odds by staying together for 10 years. But after a decade, they have decided that they are done with looking at each other’s face and rubbing fuck parts on the regular. Your late-90s self can open up those legs and celebrate, because Pacey is single!
Both Diane and Joshua’s rep gave this generic statement to People:
“Diane Kruger and Josh Jackson have decided to separate and remain friends.”
Diane and Joshua owns houses together in NYC, Paris and Vancouver so they’ll have to split that shit up.
This news may bring a “duh” out of your brain if you still remember last December, when Diane supposedly straddled and sucked on the face of Norman Reedus at a bar in NYC while Joshua was in the Philippines. Denials were made, and a couple of months later, Diane and Joshua posed together at the opening night of his Off-Broadway play.
THE PLOT THICKENS (not really), because Diane and Norman Reedus were photographed together (2nd row, last picture) at a birthday party in Tuscany earlier this month, and she was also papped with Pacey last Friday.
Releasing this news when the tabloids and everyone else has their noses straight up into the greasy bowels of that Taylor v. Kimye shit is a smart move. So if Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx want to confirm that they’ve been married for a year, now is the time. And if John Travolta wants to announce that he quit Scientology and is now living with his wigmaker boyfriend, now is a good time for that too. Everyone would be like, “John Travolta came out? Who cares! Taylor Swift just tweeted a winking emoji. We need to write a 1,800 word article on that!”
Here’s Joshua and his mom in L.A. over a week ago, and Diane in NYC a few days ago.
The GLAAD Media Awards were on Saturday, and as you can see, Robert De Niro got to take home an award. For those of you wondering “Does the G in GLAAD stand for geriatric straights?“, they were actually recognizing Robert De Niro with the Excellence in Media Award for a documentary he produced about his father, Robert De Niro Sr. (who was gay) called Remembering the Artist. De Niro got to pick who presented him with his award, so he picked America’s cool best friend from summer camp Jennifer Lawrence. I guess Jinx the Cat was busy?
Now That Peter O’Toole Has Been Dead For A Little While, Diane Kruger Can Finally Talk Shit About Him
The phrase “never speak ill of the dead” doesn’t exist in Diane Kruger’s brain, and in fact, she thinks the best time to talk ill about a person is when that person is dead.
One of Diane Kruger’s big breaks was the movie Troy, where she played Helen of Troy next to Brad Pitt, Eric Bana, Orlando Bloom, Rose Byrne, Sean Bean and the Werther’s Originals-covered thorn in her asshole Peter O’Toole, who died in 2013. While promoting their movie Sky, Diane Kruger and Norman Reedus did a bit for Buzzfeed where they interviewed each other, and he asked her who was the meanest actor she’s ever worked with. Diane mouth farted up the late Peter O’Toole’s name, and throughout the interview, Norman brought up Peter a couple more times and she told us how she really feels.
Last December, the NYDN started the rumor that Norman Reedus and Diane Kruger were dry humping each other at a bar in NYC while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was on vacation in the Philippines. Reps spits out the usual denials, Joshua’s dad laughed about it to Radar and Pacey and Diane proved that their love was alive by posing at some event together two months later. Well, Norman’s hipster Lenny from Laverne & Shirley-looking ass and Diane Kruger were together again at a screening for their movie Sky in NYC last night. Joshua Jackson is also in the movie, but he wasn’t there last night.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!!!
If I don’t look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they’re well aware of those rumors and don’t want anyone to think that they’re really doing ass-to-ass with a cucumber. If I do look at these pictures through a scandal filter, I see two greasy messes awkwardly posing next to each other because they have done it but don’t want to look like they’ve done it. Norman and Diane also look like irresponsible chaperones at a Florida high school prom who just got caught getting into some sweaty, meth-fueled fuck times on the floor of the gym bathroom. But then again, they always kind of look like that.
Here’s more pictures of Norman and Diane last night as well as pictures of them at TIFF last September. In the pictures from last night, Diane is wearing an outfit that looks a lot like the outfit my best friend at the time wore to our 8th grade spring dance in the 90s. The teachers said that the top part was too risqué so they made her wear a t-shirt over it. Basically, she looked a billion times more glamorous than Diane.
Pics: AP, Splash
A couple of months ago, there was a rumor that Diane Kruger’s mouth got itself a piece of Norman Reedus’ tongue at a bar in NYC while her man of 9 years Joshua Jackson was vacationing in the Philippines. People claim they saw Diane straddle Norman and practically dry hump him. There could’ve been many explanations for that. Maybe Diane and Pacey are the Will and Jada of cable actors and have an open relationship? Maybe Norman was choking on a piece of a fried cheese stick and Diane only knows how to give the Heimlich maneuver with her thighs? Maybe Diane really was wrongly passing her poon behind Joshua’s back? Who knows, but sources denied Diane got on Norman like that and said there’s nothing going on between them. Joshua’s dad also laughed it off.
Well, even though Diane Kruger looked like the undead last night, her love with Pacey is totally alive. Pacey is currently starring in the off-Broadway play Smart People and Diane came out for the opening night looking like a vampire maître d’ with the flu (“Um no, that’s slutty power lesbian.” – Jennifer Lawrence). So there you go. Totally together. And now here I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror and say to myself, “Really?” Because I’ve never had it for Pacey but seeing him looking like a hungover, overworked and frazzled accountant on April 14th did things to me. I’d let him work on my Schedule B. Let’s just pretend that made sense.
Charli XCX, who you may remember as the Tai to Iggy Azalea’s Cher, has been slowly inching her way into the Red Carpet Fuckery Hall of Fame for a while now. She’s slithered onto the red carpet looking like sloppy n’ slutty Morticia Addams. She showed up to last year’s Grammys looking like a rode-hard put-away-wrecked Super Star Ken doll.
And last night she proved she still really really wants a permanent spot in the Most Committed wing by sashaying onto the red carpet of the amfAR New York Gala looking like a picture of your messiest cousin from her first wedding in 1992 right before she threw a glass of wine in the groom’s face during a slow-dance to “Secret Lovers.”