It sometimes feels as though there are two schools of dressing when it comes to the couture of the Cannes Film Festival. One, wear only enough fabric not to get arrested for breaking a public indecency law. Or two, wear so much fabric, people will think you recently invested in a discount textile company. Diane Kruger showed up to Cannes wearing a whole lot of fabric, but according to Page Six, it’s because she might be trying to cover up a baby bump.
The Met Gala isn’t a human and isn’t even alive, and yet, that bitch is still getting more action than me.
The theme for the Met’s costume exhibit is Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and Catholic Imagination, but the dress code for the Gala was “Sunday best.” Now, my Sunday best is a faded black Dollywood t-shirt and some Fruit of the Loom sweat shorts covered with chicharron crumbs, wine splatters and lube drops from snacking, boozing and watching porn on my couch. But I guess “Sunday best” to famous rich hos is a crown that weighs more than their head and all of the fabric found in the “Perfect For Granny’s Living Room Curtains” section at Hobby Lobby.
Over the weekend, Uma Thurman accused Quentin Tarantino of doing several unpleasant things to her while filming Kill Bill and Kill Bill 2, including chocking and spitting on her, and pressuring her to do a car stunt scene, which ended in a crash that messed up her back and knees. Diane Kruger’s name was brought up in articles covering Uma’s story, as Quentin admitted in a 2009 Parade interview that he choked her while filming Inglourious Basterds because Christoph Waltz didn’t want to do it. Diane responded and would like you to know she’s Team Quentin.
Hollywood decided to wear black at the Golden Globes last Sunday night in silent protest of the industry’s sexual assault problem. But four days later, most Hollywood people at the Critics’ Choice Awards went with color.
Kate Bosworth didn’t wear color, but she did wear a mess. Kate is wearing a dress by Brock Collection, but if I hadn’t been told who made her dress, I’d assume she went into a formal event showroom on a particularly dry day, collected too much static electricity while trying on a bridal gown with her socks on, and accidentally left the store with a child’s christening gown that was stuck to her. The best part is that the fun didn’t end when Kate turned around.
In my experience, the Germans I have known are direct, practical and speak better English than me. German actress Diane Kruger displayed all those qualities in a recent Vulture interview where she talked about the end of the road for her 10 year long relationship with Joshua Jackson. Diane’s got a German language movie coming out where she plays a woman “whose Turkish husband and son are killed in a neo-Nazi terrorist attack” called In The Fade. While filming that movie both her Oma and her stepfather died and she broke up with Joshua.
The strange thing was that everyone wasn’t told to go home as soon as this feathery vision of dusty pink gluh-moore whipped his boa train on the carpet. Why even bother going on with the 2017 CFDA Awards when it was already shut down by an exquisite bejeweled pink ostrich? I’m sure that is a question that fashion professors will ponder with their students for years to come.