Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”
Finally, Hollywood has given us what we’ve all been waiting for: a movie about rich white ladies reading Fifty Shades of Grey. If only Smell-O-Vision existed for real, movie theaters would be filled with the scent of fancy perfume and Metamucil-infused panty pudding.
The final cinematic dingle in the Fifty Shits series came out last month, but the diarrhea-dripping words of E.L. James are continuing to terrorize us thanks to a movie that surprisingly enough, didn’t come from the mind of Nancy Meyers. Bill Holderman directed and co-wrote Book Club, which is about rich white ladies who live in Ethan Allen showrooms, exclusively wear St. John and whose lives get “spiced up” from reading Fifty Shades of Grey. It stars Jane Fonda, a ginger Raquel Welch wig (see: Jane Fonda’s head), Diane Keaton, Candice Bergen and Mary Steenburgen as the rich white ladies. Also in it are fine bottle of Cuban wine Andy Garcia, Craig T. Nelson, Anastasia Steele’s dad Don Johnson, Richard Dreyfuss, Ed Begley Jr., Wallace Shawn and Alicia Silverstone.
Give Murphy Brown the Oscar now, because she deserves it for looking like she’s actually interested in reading that mess.
For those of you who have the sads over Sex and the City 3 not happening, then I just need to tell you that you’re crazy and a masochist. I also need to tell you that Book Club is the Sex and the City 3 movie you never knew existed. Diane Keaton IS Carrie Bradshaw, Candice Bergen IS Miranda Hobbes, Mary Steenburgen IS Charlotte York, and Jane Fonda IS Samantha Jones.
And not only will Candice win the Oscar for this, but so will the special effects artists for CGI’ing Jane Fonda’s face circa the 197os onto current day Jane Fonda.
During the past few weeks, it’s been looking like the #MeToo movement pushed Hollywood to slowly turn on the untouchable turtle turd Woody Allen. Dylan Farrow, who has long accused Woody of molesting her when she was a child (he denies it), has been getting louder and louder about the alleged abuse and has called out several actors and actresses who support Time’s Up but yet have worked with Woody and haven’t denounced him yet. Many have turned on Woody, like Mira Sorvino, Greta Gerwig, Colin Firth, Timothée Chalamet, Rebecca Hall and maybe even Kate Winslet. But the cheering section of Team Woody isn’t just tumbleweeds, moth balls and spiderwebs.
Diane Keaton, 71, is at that old lady-pleasant sort of “Fucks? What are those?” stage of life. She’ll wear three Johnny Depp’s-worth of accessories with an outfit and she’s loving it. Then again, she’s been at that stage since Annie Hall, right?
Diane appeared on Graham Norton’s funfest and spoke on how much she enjoys making out with her co-stars in movies. She sees it as the perfect relationship. “You don’t have to pay the price,” she says. She must have dated some winners.
Things got a little more whimsical when she offered to make out with the audience and then began kissing everyone on stage. She kissed Graham. She kissed Kevin Bacon (they sort of really went for it and wow, get some, Di!). And then she kissed Hollywood cipher (where is she from, who does she date, why is she in every movie now) Jessica Chastain. That was a friendly little peck, but she did compare her to a daughter and kept telling her she needed to behave, which was slightly creepy.
You be the judge.
Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton And Bette Midler Are Reuniting For A Movie That Isn’t A Sequel To “The First Wives Club”
Goldie Hawn, Diane Keaton and Bette Midler said hell no to a sequel to the highly quotable classic The First Wives Club, because even though it made millions upon million of dollars and was a success, the studio’s offer was trash. They were offered the same deal they got for the first movie. So a First Wives Club sequel never happened (but you know those evil demons of Hollywood are planning to do a reboot starring Jennifer Lawrence, Emma Stone and Amy Schumer). But Deadline says that the three are reuniting for a Netflix movie. Since Netflix is in the reuniting mood, can they please reunite the cast of 9 to 5 by putting Dolly Parton on Grace & Frankie?!
Deadline says that Goldie, Diane and Bette will star in a movie called Divanation, which is also the name of Mariah Carey’s city on Sim City Build-It. The three of them will play the member of a once-popular girl group who had a messy split and are forced to reunite after 30 years of not seeing each other’s faces. Producers are currently looking for a director and the second draft is being written right now.
I know the plot doesn’t really fit and they’re too old, but I still hope that Divanation is a Wilson Phillips biopic starring Goldie as Chynna Phillips, Diane Keaton as Wendy Wilson and Bette Midler as Carnie Wilson.
And the only way Divanation could get any better is if the producers get Elizabeth Berkley to recreate the Oscar-worthy performance she gave as Victor Garber’s underage trophy piece (yeah, she played 16, it’s make believe) in First Wives Club.