Like many of you, I too watched that footage from the set of A Dog’s Purpose and thought, “the Trump administration is making movies now?”
The film was poorly reviewed, and Dennis Quaid briefly considered returning to the arms of Meg Ryan for solace (I’m not sure he could recognize her to find her), and everybody wants to use robot dogs on film sets from now on. Or cats (I kid!). It turns out that what we were all watching wasn’t what we thought it was.
At least the American Humane Association thinks so.
A quick minute after TMZ posted gross footage of a trainer forcing Hercules the German shepherd into churning water on the set of A Dog’s Purpose, the movie’s director Lasse Hallström and one of its stars Josh Gad called the clip “disturbing.” One of the movie’s other stars, Dennis Quaid, is also disturbed but in a different way. Dennis Quaid is disturbed that a low-down dirty scammer would edit and manipulate behind-the-scenes footage for a stack of money. Basically, Dennis thinks that anybody who believes dog abuse is happening in that clip got GOT!
Dennis Quaid must have been absent the day that Professor Ryan Gosling taught the class how to correctly pronounce Saoirse Ronan’s name. (I watched that lesson and my brain still wants to pronounce her name as Saw-Or-See.) Randy Quaid’s brother, Angela Bassett, Not Gina Rodriguez and Chloe Grace Moretz all got up at the hour of the ungodly this morning to announce the Golden Globe nominations. When it was Dennis’ turn at the podium, he had his own Dick Poop moment while dribbling out the nominations for Best Actress in a ~dramatic~ movie. By the way, “Dick Poop Moment” sounds like the sequel to Sinead O’Connor’s piece about “the difficult brown.”
DQ must be a graduate of John Travolta’s School of Pronunciation, because when he got to Saoirse Ronan’s name, this came out of his mouth:
Sheesha Ronan! Dude hacked up Saoirse’s first name and he gave me the hungries while doing so. Because when you say “Sheesha Ronan” really fast, it sounds like you’re saying chicharrones.
Great, now thanks to Dennis Quaid’s sloppy mouth, I’m going to be hungry this entire awards season. Every time I see Saoirse Ronan, I’m going to picture her as a giant, delicious pork rind.
In a development that’s a surprise to absolutely no one (except for maybe my mom who falls for everything and still asks me when the 9 to 5 sequel called 10 to 6 is coming out even though I already told her that was an April Fool’s post), that video of Dennis Quaid going full asshole cunt on the set of something has turned out to be a STUNT QUEEN hoax. There’s a plot twist, though. The video did not come from the pranking mind of Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel said on his show last night that he had nothing to do with the Quaid quake video. Normally Jimmy’s words hold about as much weight as Lindsay Lohan saying, “I’m really going to try not to fuck up this time. I promise,” but he was telling the truth this one time. Funny or Die claimed this shit.
Dennis Quaid’s choreographed meltdown video was basically a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch about the making of a trailer for a Funny or Die sketch. META! In the skit, Dennis yells at actual horseshit, a dude in a true-to-life sized Hammaconda costume, a bunch of pussies with a staring problem and a real baby. I’d appreciate this video a lot more if Dennis Quaid was topless, because you know his nips swell like a hot clit when he screams.
And now that we know that, when are we going to find out that Randy Quaid’s sex tape was a viral marketing ad for vomiting medication?
Last night, the Internet asked “Is Dennis Quaid back on the bad shit?!” when a video of his b-hole spitting out hot steam as he yelled at someone on a set made the rounds. The video magically appeared last night and it shows Dennis losing his mind, freaking out and screaming at everyone. Maybe he just watched that video of his brother Randy Quaid tongue boning Evi Quaid’s twat box, because I had the same reaction after watching that torture device for the eyes. Dennis goes all David O. Russell and calls a dude “a dopey dick,” says that he’s got a bunch of pussies staring at him (Side note: I totally pictured this staring back at him when he said that) and he hates on a fucking baby. It’s always the fucking babies. It was probably the fake baby from American Sniper, because I’m sure that fake baby is a real egotistical asshole now that it’s been in a hit movie.
If you can’t watch the video, I’ve thrown up a transcript of all the fuck words that flew out of Dennis Quaid’s anger hole. But you should really try to watch the video if you want to feel the tips of your nips get hard while watching him go off. Who knew that watching Dennis Quaid curse a ho out would do things to me?
“What the fuck? Keep going. I AM ACTING HERE and this dickhead wanders onto my set. I can’t even get a line out until Dopey the Dick starts whispering in your ear and you’re not even watching anymore. Don’t fucking ‘Dennis’ me! I AM DOING MY JOB HERE! I AM A PRO! This is the most unprofessional set I have EVER been on. This is horeshit! I’ve got these zombies over here I’ve got to look at. I’ve got a bunch of pussies staring at me and this FUCKING BABY. This is garbage! Blow me.”
And here’s the video:
Because everything on the Internet is fake and cannot be trusted, people put up a magnifying glass to this video almost immediately. A Redditor claimed that he works on Jimmy Kimmel Live and said this video is a 100% prank from the mind of Jimmy Kimmel. Other Redditors tried to find out what Dennis Quaid is filming right now and they came up empty. Shooting in portrait mode is an authentic touch, but Dennis’ rant is a little too perfect and it feels like an ABC Family reboot of Christian Bale’s legendary “WE’RE FUCKING DONE PROFESSIONALLY” meltdown. Also, when Dennis calls someone a “Dopey Dick,” nobody in that room laughs their tonsils out. That’s a natural reaction to Dennis Quaid calling anybody a “Dopey Dick,” so that’s suspect. But what’s really suspect is that when Dennis says, “blow me,” at the end, not one ho says, “Okay, yeah, I volunteer as tribute.” That doesn’t make any sense! Because when Dennis says, “blow me,” you take that as an invitation and immediately put on your dick-sucking bib.