Bun In The Too Easy Bake Oven

Rachel Uchitel, one of the chicks who’s famous for doing down and dirty Ambien-induced ho shit with Tiger Woods, is pregnant and this time she thinks she knows who the father is! Or at least that’s what she’s telling her husband. TMZ reports that Rachel’s developing crotch fruit should be ripe for the picking sometime in April. They did maths and came up with the date from Rachel’s tweet with this pic and “Expecting big things for 2012… Five down, Four months to go.” She married Matt Hahn, the only man on Earth who’s never heard the old saying that you can’t make a ho a housewife, in a secret ceremony in October. I wonder if the bride wore white? Hey, cum stains are white, so. Pristine.

So if the baby is due in April, and they of course saved sex for their wedding night (aaahahahhaha), this miraculous bebeh will only take 7 months to fully cook! Fast, just like momma. Someone should tell Matt that butt secks does not result in babies. No, on second thought don’t, and let him love the little bundle of joy when he comes out with a lovely tan, looks suspiciously like the pool boy and has a propensity for speaking Spanish.

Congrats to the happy couple! And little one, hold out for a c-section. You don’t want to slide down that.

Take That, Lauren Pope!

Kate Middleton was shoved to the side and a new fashion icon of Britain was declared last night when TOWIE’s Lauren Pope floated onto the red carpet at the Breaking Dawn premiere like a pristine panty-less goddess riding the satin crimson wave to sophistication. Lauren Pope became my new religion and I was ready to pray to her tonight while only wearing two pillow cases cinched together with a sweatpants drawstring, but then I came across a ginger flower that bloomed in the German section of the Garden of Stunt Queens. Everything has changed!

Meet actor type Peer Kusmagk and his girlfriend Isabella Recke (wreck is right). Don’t ask me, I don’t know who they are. Even if somebody tried to explain them to me using penis puppets (you know how my brain perks up at penis puppets), I still wouldn’t know who these two are. But it doesn’t matter. Everything I need to know about Peer and Isabella they eloquently communicated to me at some event in Berlin last night.

The two photographers there got up close and personal with Isabella’s freckled and moly nalgitas every time she or Peer parted her sheer black curtains. You might be thinking that Isabella would’ve saved herself some time if she just left that dress on her bedroom floor and came to the party wearing only those black chonies. But that would’ve been tacky and that’s something Isabella is not. A certain seductive mystique filled the air when Isabella exposed her ass cheeks the same way a patient lifts up his hospital gown right before getting a suppository from a nurse. This is performance art!! (It was also performance fart when Isabella flexed her ass cheeks a little too much.)

It was a long search, but finally the German Phoebe Price has been found!

The Delicate Queens Of Leon

Caleb Followill, the lead singer of Kings of Leon, issued an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” during a show in Dallas, TX last night and pigeon shit was not to blame this time.

Caleb’s skin is a fragile layer of daisy petals that wilts in the heat and so he couldn’t take it. TMZ reports that Caleb stopped in the middle of the show, told the audience that it was way too hot for him and said he was going backstage to vomit and drink a beer. While KoL’s fans stood in the dead heat, precious Caleb was carried off to his all-white dressing room where slaves hand fed him Evian ice cubes and fanned him with swan feathers while spritzing his face with 60º Perrier from a crystal bottle. “My rider says that you must spray my face with 60º Perrier and my face is telling me that Perrier is at least 66º! I hate you! You’re fucking fired! Ugh. And now I’m hot again. You there, put on those panda uterus skin gloves and massage my temples with some chilled creme de la blended diamonds. What did I say about making eye contact?! I hate my life. Those children in Ethiopia have no idea how good they have it!” – Caleb, last night

The audience waited, but Caleb never came back out. Two of his bandmates did and announced that the rest of the show was canceled. They told the audience, “Hate Caleb, not us.”

Tonight’s show in Houston was also postponed. Caleb’s brother and bandmate, Jared Followill, threw a little shade when he wrote this on Twitter:

Dallas, I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am. There are internal sicknesses & problems that have needed to be addressed. No words.

I love our fans so much. I know you guys aren’t stupid. I can’t lie. There are problems in our band bigger than not drinking enough Gatorade.

What he’s trying to say is that KoL fans should synchronize their watches for the inevitable “Caleb is in rehab due to exhaustion” announcement.

And I’m sure Jared got Caleb back for ditching the show by slipping a pea under the stack of mattresses he sleeps on every night.