Recently, my little brother accused me and my people of “always trying to make everybody gay.” Instead of my usual retort (“Don’t think I don’t know what went down at your frat house when you were in college, dude.”), I answered with the truth – “Just the sexy people!” There’s a very simple reason why the gays keep trying to make Hugh Jackman like dick. Here it is. Hugh knows this and has been gently rebuffing gay rumors for years now. In a recent interview (via Metro News), he laughed them off again. But this time – he revealed his theory on why everybody thinks he’s downlow stepping out on the missus.
During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:
Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.
“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.
“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges
I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.
During an interview with Australian Women’s Weekly (via Daily Mail), Hugh Jackman’s exquisite tree-ripened pawpaw of a wife Deborra-Lee Furness admitted that after almost two decades of people coming up to her and telling her she’s so lucky to be married to the current Vice President of the International DILF Society (the President is Paul Rudd), she’d like everyone to cut the bullshit and stop saying she’s lucky. Deborra-Lee isn’t lucky! There’s only one lucky, and she cry-cry-cries in her lonely heart. But for real, Hugh Jackman’s normal-looking wife wants you to stop acting like she won the damn lottery:
“That to me is a putdown. (It is) like you suggesting I won the chook raffle. I think we create our own destiny.”
I had no idea what the hell a chook raffle was (I figured it had something to do with drawing for a wallaby) but as it turns out, it’s where people raffle off chicken meat in a pub. WHAT EVEN??? Beer and the chance to win a bunch of chicken meat? Australia truly is a magical place.
But back to Deborra-Lee. I know she thinks people are saying “You are lucky”, but I think what they really mean is “You are lucky.” As in, we’re all insanely jealous that Deborra-Lee Furness gets to wake up every morning spooning one of Wolverine’s biceps and fall asleep every night staring deep into his beautiful Bloomin’ Onion eyes as he sings her a medley of Broadway show tunes. People aren’t saying she’s lucky in a Michael Bluth “Her?” way. They’re saying in the most literal sense of the word; as in, if a proctologist took a look up Deborra-Lee Furness’ ass, he’d find a horse shoe, a rabbit’s foot, several four-leaf clovers, and a goddamn leprechaun.
Tonight is the gay World Series (the title of gay Super Bowl belongs to the Oscars) known as the Tonys and if you really want to end up needing a liver transplant in a bad way, then watch the Tonys and take a shot every time someone makes an Adele Dazeem joke. Your liver will melt, liquefy and dribble out of your piss slit before the second hour is over. Hugh JackMeOff is hosting the Tonys tonight and he sashayed onto the red carpet with his stunning beard. The beard on his face looked okay too (You can GONG me for that one, I deserve it).
Hugh Jackman obviously spent some time getting his eyes Wet ‘N Wild beautiful for the Tonys, but he should’ve stepped away from the mascara and eyeliner for a second to help out his wife Deborra-Lee Furness, because she looks like Magnolia Crawford did her makeup. She looks like the wax figure of a drag queen Kate Gosselin and that is not a good thing. Maybe it’s her way of paying homage to Kinky Boots and the Lion King?
But whatever, I guess no matter how Deborra-Lee did her makeup, she still wouldn’t be able to compete with Hugh Jackman’s gorgeous bunny eyes.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
You know it’s a special occasion when John Travolta pulls out his favorite wig. Since John Travolta is always hijacking the iPod in the Scientology’s bath house to play Rodgers & Hammerstein’s greatest hits, the producers of the Oscars asked him to introduce the tribute to movie musicals last night. Everybody’s talking about how John Travolta can’t pronounce Les Miserables (Note: Please, he mispronounced that shit on purpose to make himself look straighter), but everybody should be talking about the glorious beast on his head. Yes, every Papillon is throwing a shank eye at Travolta since he stole their signature hairstyle, but they have to admit that his center part is immaculate. I’m sure Moses himself parted Travolta’s wig. I’m not talking about Moses from the bible, I’m talking about Moses the resident wig master at the Scientology beauty salon.
Travolta didn’t only work a stunning lace front, but he also worked a hot velcro patch on his chin. When you tea bag Travolta, you can exfoliate your taint on his hot velcro patch at the same time.
Here’s a few more pictures of Travolta with Kelly Preston last night and since we’re on the subject of lush beards, let’s pay tribute to some of the best ones last night. In order: Travolta with Kelly Preston, George Clooney with Stacy Keibler, Hugh Jackmeoff with Deborra-Lee Furness, Justin Theroux with Jennifer Aniston, Jean Dujardin and Ben Affleck with Jennifer Garner.
Well, there’s a headline that makes you wish you kept a fluffy kitten in your bottom desk drawer so you have something adorable to hug when you’re feeling emotions.
Lifetime panty creamer Hugh Jackman was on Katie Couric’s show (via UsWeekly) yesterday and the entire episode wasn’t full of him singing show tunes while wearing wet swim trunks. Katie’s producers have got to do better. Instead of doing the one-man Les Miserables while only wearing panties, Hugh got serious with Katie and told her why he and his wife Deborra Lee-Furness never had biological children. Hugh says that they tried many times, but after trying IVF and suffering through several miscarriages, they decided to adopt. The greatest Australia next to Brynne Gordon (she counts!) said this:
“To be clear, Deb and I always wanted to adopt. So that was always in our plan. We didn’t know where in the process that would happen but biologically obviously we tried and it was not happening for us and it is a difficult time. We did IVF and Deb had a couple of miscarriages. I’ll never forget it the miscarriage thing — it happens to one in three pregnancies, but it’s very very rarely talked about. It’s almost secretive, so I hope Deb doesn’t mind me bringing it up now. It’s a good thing to talk about it. It’s more common, and it is tough. There’s a grieving that you have to go through.
Many of you are parents, you guys know you can’t prepare for that moment. Nothing can prepare you. You can’t even explain how incredible it is and that avalanche of emotion that comes and how it opens up your heart, how it frustrates you, how it angers you, how everything is just all the sudden how alive you are as a parent.”
There’s been blind items that pretty much suggest that Hugh and Deborra are the sane version of John Travolta and Kelly Preston. They love each other, are wonderful parents and every now and again he passes his peen to man ass. I’m going to need to see HD video (preferably with a soothing soundtrack) of this or see it with my own brown eye before I can confirm it as true fact. In the meantime, here’s some pictures from September of Hugh JackMeOff’s nipples.