Either Kanye West really is as broke as he says he is or he’s just really really dumb (“Why not both?” said the Old El Paso taco kit girl), because last night he was caught trying to steal something. No, not a loaf of bread for his poor starving family. Kanye was caught trying to steal music editing software. And how did he get caught? By tweeting a screen grab of a bunch of open browser tabs, one of which was for the illegal torrent site The Pirate Bay. In the words of DJ Khaled: Congratulations, you played yourself.
Nicki Minaj, Madge, Kanye, Jay-Z, Chris Martin’s face, Jack White and Beyonce were all on the same stage together and the earth beneath them didn’t collapse from the weight of their massive, throbbing egos. Basement Baby and the rejected children of Destiny were probably under the stage, holding it up to make sure that didn’t happen.
If you went to urgent care last night with a pulled neck muscle, then I’m guessing you pulled that neck muscle from shaking your head back and forth while watching the ridiculously awkward press conference for Tidal, a revolutionary new music streaming service that’s like Spotify except shittier and more expensive. Seen above seconds before they pulled their empty pockets out to show all of us how broke they are, RiRi, Nicki, Madge, DeadMau5, Kanye, Jay-Z and many, many others gathered together
for an Illuminati board meeting at a press conference to announce that they want more of your money. They’re all sick of barely scraping their rent money together from singing on street corners for loose change. So they joined forces to try to take out Spotify and make more cash while doing so.
According to Variety (via HuffPo) Canadian DJ person and Kat Von D’s former partner in fuckery Deadmau5 (government name: Joel Zimmerman) is in deep enchanted shit with Disney after he tried to apply for a U.S. trademark for his signature “dead mouse” logo. According to Deadmau5’s attorney Dina LaPolt, his mouse-eared logo has been trademarked in 30 countries, but when he tried to get it trademarked in the U.S., Disney filed an objection with the Patent and Trademark Office to block his application.
Disney claims Deadmau5’s logo looks too much like their iconic mouse ears and I guess they’re afraid that dumb bitches will get confused when they see it and wonder why Mickey Mouse is playing shitty dance music for MDMA-snorting party skanks in Ibiza now. They also claim that Deadmau5 using a logo similar to theirs could impact business. Because if they teach you anything in business school, it’s that one of the the largest, most powerful corporations in the world could easily go bankrupt if a professional iTunes jockey wore a helmet that looks like their mascot. Continue reading
Kat Von D and DeadMau5’s crotch crabs can return the tuxedos and gowns they rented, because the under-water themed wedding of the year is canceled and is never going to happen. “I am turning inside/out with SHOCK” said every single one of us, because we all thought that they’d last longer than a herp breakout in August. I mean, he proposed on Twitter with a picture of an engagement ring. If that isn’t the sign of true forever love, then I don’t know what is. But sadly, just like Vanilla Gorilla before him, DeadMau5 broke Kat’s heart when he broke his tattooed mouse dick on a side slut’s crotch. Kat said on Twitter today that another fiancé has bit the dust:
Cheating on your loved one is the most hurtful thing one could do. I hate to have to admit, that this relationship is indeed over.
— Kat Von D (@thekatvond) June 26, 2013
Um, well to me, the most hurtful thing one can do is, I don’t know, murder me, serve me iceberg lettuce without blue cheese dressing or play an unforgivable joke on me by telling me that Joan Collins is dead. But that’s just me. Oh well, Kat and DeadMau5’s Powder-on-meth-looking ass will get back together and break up again before she goes on to date some other ho who she’ll get engaged to after five seconds and then break up with after he cheats on her. We’ve all seen the movie and the sequel so we know how this shit is going to play out.
I guess Kat Von D and Deadmau5 are ignoring the health department’s request and not getting married in a quarantine tent while officials in Hazmat suits spray them down with liquid antibiotics. Instead of doing that, Kat and Mau5 are planning on throwing an underwater-themed wedding. This is actually a good idea, because now their guests won’t look too weird when they throw bacteria-killing chlorine bleach at them before hugging them.
Kat Von D tells People that on August 10th, she will become Deadmau5’s future ex-wife during an underwater-themed wedding in front of 200 friends and family in Los Angeles. Kat says that she and Deadmau5 are really into the short story The Call of Cthulhu, about an octopus human, so their wedding will feature all the creatures of the sea. They’re going to have blue and green-colored food and performers dressed as mermaids. Kat also said that her dress is going to look like something the ocean threw up:
“It will have a sleek silhouette and include hints of iridescent teals, blues and deep violet ombré gradients. I didn’t know the dress was supposed to be a surprise.”
Kat and Mau5 both look like something rotten that a fisherman threw back into the ocean after it got caught in his net, so this underwater theme is perfect for them. I can already hear their guests let out an “awwww” when Kat’s crotch crabs come shuffling out in their bridesmaids dresses. I really hope that the front of their invitation has Deadmau5’s octopus sex tattoo on it, because that will set the tone for a day of true romance.
And here’s Kat wearing a zippered camel toe jumpsuit and alien heels to a book signing in NYC last night.
Kat Von D and Deadmau5 started rubbing their tattooed genitals together last September and they stopped for a minute in November after she subtly accused him of passing his mau5 dick to another whore, but true love always prevails! Mau5 just couldn’t get enough of licking Jesse James’ dried jizz off of Kat Von D’s stomach, because they got back together and now they’re engaged to be married. Like two 15-year-olds who met on MySpace and live thousands of miles apart, Deadmau5 asked Kat Von D to be his future ex-wife on Twitter and tweeted a picture of the ring he’s going to get her:
After Kat Von D printed that picture out and wrapped it around her finger, she typed these words:
And then DeadMau5 kept this public display of pure class going….
I really can’t wait for them to get married on Skype, spend their honeymoon by posting stock pictures of tropical places on Instagram and give birth to a Tumblr before getting divorced on Facebook. A true modern day romance. Yes, Kat Von D just got engaged (for like the ten millionth time) to a DJ who regularly wears a mouse head and proposed to her ass on Twitter, but he’s still a major upgrade from Jesse James. So there’s that.