Back when David Letterman and Jay Leno ruled late night television, Jay probably got the bigger names because the bigger names were all a bunch of soft-ass bitches who couldn’t take the heat. Jay would stroke their arm, tell them how pretty they were, and that he thought Gigli was an Oscar contender. Dave was a big asshole, and it’s a miracle his booking team could land a guest by the end of his 6000+ episode run.
No, this is not a picture of Dumbledore after he faked his death and ran away to the Caribbean because he was truly sick of all that Hogwarts drama. It’s also not a picture of a shrunken Randy Quaid shooting Vermont Public Access’ version of The Biggest Loser. It’s 68-year-old David Letterman using his millions to live that lavish retired life. David Letterman spent decades in a nipple-suffocating suit (I think he even wore it to bed), so he has freed himself of that Men’s Warehouse cocoon and is living it up in St. Barts.
Now, if I was a multi-multi-millionaire retiree like David Letterman, I’d be spending all of my days lounging on a pile of naked Prince Hot Ginge impersonators while smoking the finest of the finest good shit out of a Baccarat dick bong as Stacey Q and Martika performed Showgirls: The Musical live in front of me. But for some reason, David Letterman chose to go to St. Barts with his wife Regina Lasko. Weird, but it’s his millions and his life!
Letterman is also giving me “Santa Claus if Santa Claus was in the witness protection program” vibes and I’m into that, so yeah, I’d put on a butt-less elf onesie and hit it hard.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
After filming his last appearance on the Late Show with David Letterman last night, no-fucks-given legend Bill Murray had a GHOSTBUSTER DOWN moment on the set of MSNBC’s The Last Word with Lawrence O’Donnell. Bill was apparently next-level hammered and when he went to sit down, that chair wanted no part of it and tossed his drunk ass. If you want to see Bill Murray doing an impression of what Michael K and I would look like while returning to the “Dlisted office” after 3-for-1 lunch drinks at Señor Sloppys, here it is.
Damn, if that isn’t the definition of too drunk. Even that messy bitch Slimer is like “Gurd god, gurt it togurther!” For those of you wondering if maybe he wasn’t actually ripped to shit and his fall was just the result of being old or mixing back pills with boner pills, no no – he was as drunk as your drunkest uncle after discovering a jug of homemade red wine in the basement at Christmas.
But back to Bill on Letterman. Bill Murray has been a regular guest on the Late Show for years, so David Letterman asked him to be his last guest ever. So he did what any good guest would do: he jumped out of a cake. Well, jumped is a little bit of an overstatement; it was really more of a cream-covered fall.
“Bitch stole my look!” screamed Kanye West.
David Letterman hands his desk over to Stephen Colbert on May 20th, so it’s not a surprise that some of his famous friends have been stopping by The Late Show to say so long, farewell (no one has sung that song yet, but I sure as hell hope if anyone does decide to do it, it’s Courtney Love after crushing a handful of Ambien into a box of wine). Last night, Tina Fey dropped by to say goodbye to David Letterman, and she did it by dropping her dress.
The Miss April of Taylor Swift’s Ladies of My Shit List wall calendar joked that she’d never get dressed up in a fancy dress for any other night-time talk show host, then proceeded to explain that it takes a lot of hard-working underwear to look as sucked in and tight as she does and that nobody else is worth rearranging her internal organs for. That’s when Tina got Dave to unzip her, she kicked off her dress, and busted out some custom shapewear.
The upper half of me was living for Tina Fey’s fuck-it-all attitude, but the bottom half of me was letting out a silent scream at that double-wrapped Spanx job. One pair of Spanx is a challenge, but Spanx AND a bodysuit?!? That’s the definition of playing life on expert level. My ass, hips, thighs, crack, gut, pussy, and back rolls salute yours, Tina. I can’t imagine how she got out of that contraption. My guess is that it was removed using a pair of trauma shears. That, or she’s still in them and praying for death to collect what’s left of her body.
James Franco was on Letterman last night and the subject of that half-naked selfie of him looking like a greased up, bloated hen trying to push the gas out of his stomach was brought up. That selfie looked like it took as much effort as a butt scratch, but James Franco, being the thoughtful artist he is, tells Letterman that he meant to look like a gross weirdster who wipes his peen and precum all over the faucet in a unisex gas station bathroom and then hides in the bushes to see who goes in. James Franco meant to look creepy. Uh huh.
Franco says that out of all the things he posts on Instagram for his 2 million followers, the selfies get the most likes and the topless selfies get the most most likes, so he’s giving the people what they want. But since Franco is a true ~artiste~, he wasn’t going to give the people a regular old hot pin-up piece selfie. Taking inspiration from Brit Brit’s shaving head meltdown, Franco gave the people what they wanted, but brought the fug while doing so. Oh, Franco, we’re just all too simple to fully understand all the complex layers that make up your selfie art.
“Like that Britney Spears shaved head moment, where it’s sort of like, ‘All right, you want me? Here you can have me, but I am going to be really ugly.’ You know what I mean?”
Franco went on to fart about how his greasy, bloated, hungover selfies are only meant for his followers and fun-killing bloggers have to ruin it all by posting ’em. Those bitchy bloggers really do ruin everything. Franco said that if you don’t want to see his nipples, don’t follow him. I think what he meant to say was, if you don’t want to see his nipples, don’t go on the Internet, because he is the Internet. And by “people” I’m guessing James Franco means his followers. So can his 2 million followers do us, the other people, a favor by wanting things like naked selfies of ASkars, naked selfies of Prince Hot Ginge, naked selfies of Idris Elba and the secret recipe for Jello-O 1-2-3?
Here’s Franco explaining his oiled-up uncooked chicken selfie to Letterman last night:
And here’s Franco outside of Letterman, signing autographs while secretly hunting the crowd for teen ass: