During a recent appearance on The Graham Norton Show, gay mafia granddaddy Elton John revealed that Eminem gave him and his husband David Furnish diamond cock rings as wedding presents! Rather than being a revealing insight into Eminem’s private life or societal views, this actually just fills me with jealousy. Not one person got me a diamond cock ring when I got married. It wasn’t even a gift at the wedding shower. Am I not worthy of that sort of luxury? Continue reading
67-year-old Elton John and 52-year-old David Furnish have been together for 21 years, which is approximately 3,450 in gay relationship years. I guess they decided that they had a good run and it’s about time they totally fuck it by getting married, because the two became each other’s husband in England today.
Elton and David got into a civil partnership with each other in 2005 and 3 years later, his smug ass told USA Today that he doesn’t need to be married and that if gay people want marriage, that’s fine, but he’s perfectly okay with being in a civil partnership. Well, thinking about all the attention he can get from a wedding probably changed his mind. Right after same-sex marriage became legal in England in March, Elton and David started planning their lavish wedding. The Daily Mail says that Elton and David got married at their estate in Windsor, England this morning. They’ve been posting pictures of the ceremony and reception on Instagram using the cheesy hashtag #ShareTheLove. More like #ShareTheBARF.
The Daily Mail says that Elton and David’s wedding was stuffed full of famous bitches including David Beckham, Posh Beckham, David Walliams, Lara Stone, Elizabeth Hurley, Elizabeth Hurley’s ex-piece Hugh Grant, Lulu and Ed Sheeran. Elton and David’s two sons, 3-year-old Zachary and 23-month-old Elijah, were the ring bearers.
When I first saw the pictures of Elton’s wedding, I thought they were pictures of the wedding rehearsal. It’s so plain and non-opulent for Elton. That table setting looks like the way his table is set for casual breakfast on any given weekday morning. Where are the topless servers passing around crystal goblets full of vintage champagne and canary diamonds while dressed like cherubs? Where are the aerial silk artists who threw silver glitter at the guests from above during the ceremony? I don’t even think Elton wore a special wig. He just wore his regular everyday wig. How dreadful. If Elton John doesn’t get married while wearing a rhinestone-encrusted white silk jumpsuit and a Marie Antoinette wig, did he really get married at all? Please at least tell me that Elton’s main homegirl Rush Limbaugh was the flower girl.
I don’t appreciate getting the stare down first thing in the morning, but I’ll let it pass, because: a) The starer-downer is a pupil of Hogwarts (that’s where his blazer is from, right?) and; b) The starer-downer could definitely beat my ass, so I’ll fall back this time.
The New York Post said last Thursday that another baby gets to nuzzle up in between Sir Elton John’s wrinkly dumpling chichis, but he denied it. The Post said Elton and his husband David Furnish denied it, because they were trying to get a check for the announcement. But apparently, they denied it, because their baby hadn’t been pulled out of their leased baby oven yet. Elton and David’s second son was born via a Las Vegas surrogate last Friday in Los Angeles. Their new baby weighed in at 8lbs 4oz., they named him Elijah Daniel Joseph Furnish-John and when he opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was his 2-year-old brother Zachary Jackson Levi Furnish-John staring him down.
Elton and David gave this paragraph of words to HELLO! last night:
“Both of us have longed to have children, but the reality that we now have two sons is almost unbelievable. The birth of our second son completes our family in a most precious and perfect way. It is difficult to fully express how we are feeling at this time; we are just overwhelmed with happiness and excitement.”
So many bitches give Elton John shit for getting himself a newborn baby when he’s at least 250 years old, but I think it’s a smart move. IN THIS ECONOMY, a family needs to save money when going out to dinner and three out of the four members of Elton’s family get to order off of the discount menu. Elton gets to order from the seniors menu and his two kids get to order from the baby menu. Also, sitting through a graduation ceremony is like not being allowed to close your eyes after getting shot up with morphine. They are boring! But since Elton is going to be 266 when his first son graduates from high school, he’ll get to nap throughout the ceremony and a bitch can’t scold him for it. You have to have a heart made of out Lucifer farts to yell at an old bitch for napping.
But I will give Elton and David the Zachary-approved stare down for once again giving their kid ten names. Does Elijah Daniel Joseph Furnish-John really need a hundred names? They’re not Latin damn. It’s a good thing you don’t have to include your middle initials when initialing HIGHLY IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS, because if you did it would take Elton’s sons eons to get through a credit loan application.