Category: David Beckham

David Beckham Is People’s Sexiest Man Of 2015. Not 2005. 2015.

November 17, 2015 / Posted by:

This pick is straight out of left field if left field was 2005. I’m guessing that David Beckham’s publicist promised People the EXCLUSIVE divorce news if that ever happens and also gave a whole lot of sloppy salad tossings, because this is random for 2015. Yes, it could’ve been a whole lot better (see: Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba or Carrot Top), but it could’ve been a whole lot worse too (see: Blake Shelton, Justin Bieber or Jim Bob Duggar. You know those messes at People thought about that last one for a second.)

Posh’s husband took the Sexiest Man Alive crown off of Thor’s 90s boy band hair  and gave the same pageant ass answer they all give when they’re called sexy and hot. They all say, “Oh me, hot? I’ve always thought I was a dog!” Try to read this in Becks’ signature “British cartoon mouse after inhaling a bunch of helium” voice.

“It’s a huge honor. And I’m very pleased to accept. I never feel that I’m an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don’t ever think of myself that way.”

If you’re still meh-ing over this choice, you obviously didn’t read all the words on that cover. I mean, he vacuums! He’s like a hot tattooed Roomba with abs and a squeakier voice.

I’ll okay with this, but I’ll also say that People once again messed up when picking a cover photo. They just should’ve slapped Becks’ bubble butt on the cover and called it a day.


Pic: Getty


Leave Harper Beckham’s Pacifier Alooooooooooooone, So Says Her Dad

August 11, 2015 / Posted by:

My favorite literary journal of the utmost integrity, The Daily Mail, yanked the pacifier out of Harper Seven Beckham’s 4-year-old mouth the other day when they published new pictures of her with a binky in her mouth. They also asked the question that should keep all of us from going to sleep every single night: “Why does Harper, four, still use a dummy?” “Dummy” is British talk for pacifier.


The Daily Mail spoke to several “experts” who put on their Captain Concern Troll cap and said that in their professional opinion, if Harper keeps using a pacifier, she’ll have teeth like a hockey-playing meth head who chewed on a bunch of rocks, and she could also develop a speech impediment. Their experts say that chirrun should only use a pacifier for a few months and that no 4-year-old should depend on one. Child Protective Services must’ve been closed the past few days, or something, because I didn’t read anything about how all the Beckham children were taken away after CPS learned Posh and David Beckham were committing the worst kind of child abuse by letting their 4-year-old daughter use a pacifier.

Becks jumped on Instagram yesterday and served a Super Sized cup of “Stick A Pacifier In Your Mouth And Shut The Fuck Up” to the Daily Mail and judgy parents who live to judge.

Why do people feel they have the right to criticize a parent about their own children without having any facts ?? Everybody who has children knows that when they aren’t feeling well or have a fever you do what comforts them best and most of the time it’s a pacifier so those who criticize think twice about what you say about other people’s children because actually you have no right to criticize me as a parent …

I’ve said this before, but I sucked on my thumb until the 3rd grade (the jokes, they tell themselves) and my teeth came out all kinds of jacked up. I had teeth like a rabbit on crack. My buck teeth were in a different zip code than my mouth. It only took 2 years of nighttime headgear use and 5 years of braces to straighten that wonky situation out. But I’m sure Harper’s teeth will be fine and even if they’re not, Posh and Becks can easily afford to have all of her teeth replaced with tiny bars of diamonds.

But what if H7 is a tiny raver and she was using that pacifier because she was rolling on E? And the Daily Mail is rudely trying to screw with her roll. Now that’s a real act of child abuse!

Here’s the pacifier defender looking hot while leaving Hole Cycle (typo and it stays) in L.A. yesterday.

Pics:, Splash

There Was A Mini Spice Girls Reunion At David Beckham’s Birthday Party This Weekend

May 4, 2015 / Posted by:

Hot British ball-wrangling DILF David Beckham turned 40 years old this weekend, and decided to celebrate by throwing a huge-ass party in Marrakech, Morocco. A party in Morocco? Sounds like someone’s too good for dinner at the Olive Garden followed by a solitary box of wine in bed, aka how I plan on ringing in my 40th. Not surprisingly, David’s birthday party was full of famous types. But the most important famous types on his guest list were THE SPICE GIRLS!!! Excuse me while 13-year-old me gets very jealous of David Beckham.

Posh Spice Instagrammed a couple pics of four-fifths of the Spice Girls reuniting at David’s party. For those of you wondering why Scary Spice looks a lot like Gabrielle Solis from Desperate Housewives, that’s actually Eva Longoria filling in as Tiny Spice. For some reason, Scary Spice wasn’t there; my not-so-secret hope is that she was too busy dumping her shady scumbag husband’s things on the front lawn and changing the locks to make it.

Regardless, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. I especially love that Posh is giving classic Posh face, Sporty and Baby are serving up that backup realness, while Ginger Spice is working “Just casually reaching for my phone and angling my legs so I can make a break for it.” Although I don’t know why she’d want to. David had four birthday cakes at his party!


Awww, that’s pretty cute – each one came from one of his kids. Never have I wanted to have a dozen children so badly in all my life.

Here’s more of the Spice Girls meet-up at David Beckham’s birthday party over the weekend, including a shot of Posh helping David blow out his candles (or is she using him as a human shield from all that cake? I’m not sure).

Pics: Instagram, Daily Mail

The Queen Of The Front Row Made An Appearance Last Night

April 17, 2015 / Posted by:

Sorry, but I’m not referring to Anna Wintour or that roided-up right arm of hers (seriously, she looks like she was cobbled together using the spare parts from a He-Man doll, and I am concerned). I’m talking about Harper Seven Beckham, who dragged her family to something called the Burberry ‘London in Los Angeles’ event last night. I know Harper is barely able to count to 20, but she’s already more sophistimacated than I’ll ever be. People says that during the show, an “insider” tells them Harper used her platform as the unofficial queen of the front row (sorry, Kanye) to school all those déclassé tricks on how to pick your nose like a lady:

“David doted on her the entire time, stroking her hair and chatting back and forth as she pointed things out on the runway. She would even clap along when everyone else did. At one point, she (I assume) told him she needed to pick her nose because he held up his hand to cover her face while she did so, then laughed after she was done and was wiping her nose.”

And here I am blowing mine, farmer-style, into a used McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper. Harper Seven should really consider pestering her mommy to invest some of her Spice World residual checks in a finishing school, because some of us could greatly benefit from her mentorship.

Sadly, there are no pictures of Harper and her family arriving at that Burberry event last night, but here’s everyone else. I want to say it was some kind of fancy British fashion event, but that would be a lie, because the fanciest British person I’m aware of, Hyacinth Bucket, was not in attendance. Instead, we have Naomi Campbell, Cara Della Reese, Ryan Seacrest, and a very pregnant Jaime “Not That Ja’mie King” King.

Pics: Instagram, Splash,

“Um, Yeah, I Know. I Put Up With This Shit Every Day.”

March 13, 2015 / Posted by:

At the gala dinner for Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London last night, photographers put on protection masks and braced themselves when Posh Beckham sashayed onto the black carpet, because trick was posing so damn hard that they were afraid she’d snap in two sending bones flying everywhere.

While looking like a strung out, half-drowned alley cat who hasn’t slept in months and just took some E, Posh busted out her usual sexy face poses while David Beckham just shrugged on the inside and went with it, because by now he’s used to her working it like a last year Barbizon student on graduation day. Hos always throw shit at Posh for posing like a seductive corpse, but I, for one, appreciate that shit. So many of those famous messes just stand there and smile, and at least Posh is giving us a HAHAHA-inducing show by posing for HER LIFE while her chichi balls scream from being suffocated. Or should I say, “posing for HER DEATH,” since she looks like a zombie on Ambien styled by Tim Burton.

Here’s a million more pictures from last night including FKA Twigs looking like a glorious exploding Lisa Frank Bird of Paradise in a sea of funeral lingerie (see: Kate Moss) and butchered ostriches (see: Naomi Campbell).


Meanwhile At The Victoria Beckham Show….

February 15, 2015 / Posted by:

3-year-old Harper Seven Beckham sat in the front row with her daddy and brothers at her mom’s New York Fashion Week show today (click here if you care what the clothes look like), and unlike North West, she didn’t scream in pain, because she’s used to this boring fashion shit and she’s a little older. The first time Harper the Seventh sat next to the devil that is Anna Wintour at her mom’s fashion show, the Death Eaters declared it a tragic moment in history, because she actually smiled at an innocent soul. There are places down in Hell that still haven’t thawed out from Anna Wintour showing kindness to another human being. Well, the Death Eaters don’t have to be ashamed of Anna today, because she didn’t fall for Harper’s “adorable innocent child” act this time! Anna Wintour is crossing her arms and thinking to herself, “Don’t do it, Anna, or Kunty Karl will never stop cackling.” 

There should be a new Fashion Week rule. If you want to bring your kid, you have to sit them next to Anna Wintour, because whenever she’s next to a child she looks about as comfortable as Mama June sitting next to a healthy salad bar. Children at fashion shows will be Anna Wintour’s demise! Harper Seven won the last round by making Anna Wintour smile and she won this round too by throwing a “How long have you been working the same look, honey?” look.

Here’s more of Harper Seven looking seven layers of bored at her mom’s show and also looking more stylish than everyone while strolling through JFK the other day.

Pics: Splash, AP, Getty

David Beckham Is A Fatso, According To 3-Year-Old Harper Beckham

January 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Former frosted-tipped douche fashion vanguard and current panty model David Beckham appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday night to talk about being a delicate-voiced DILF or something, and Jimmy Kimmel made a sarcastic joke about how he’s really let himself go since retiring from soccer in 2013. However, what Jimmy didn’t know is that his joke about being a fat would hit a little too close to home.

David confessed that after he recently took a bath with his 3-year-old daughter Harper Seven Eight Nine Beckham, she looked at her grotesque lardass of a father and hissed: “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t like you, you’re so chubby.” Yeah, are we sure it wasn’t actually Victoria Beckham throwing her voice while hiding behind a toothbrush? “Oooh, Daddy, it looks like you’ve gained 1/16th of a stone, you hideous slob. No more lemon and water smoothies for you, tubby.” Or maybe she was just delivering a subtle message from Auntie Anna Wintour. “Harper, I’ll put your mommy and daddy on the cover of American VOGUE, but daddy needs to lose a couple pounds first, capiche?

You can hear the story of Harper fat-shaming her naked father at the 0:24 mark:

He also went on to talk about how he’s basically an Uber driver now that he’s retired. That’s probably why Harper read his ass in the bath – she was just getting him back for the terrible service she received the last time he drove her to nursery school. That’s what you get for forgetting to offer your passenger a bottle of water, David!

Here’s Harper’s so chubby daddy on his way into Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:

Pics:, Splash

The Thirst In Her Eyes: The Kendall Jenner Edition

December 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.

You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:


That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.

Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).

Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”

Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.

And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.

Pics: Getty, Splash,

The Time David Beckham Jacked Off In Front Of His Teammates During A Hazing Ritual

November 29, 2013 / Posted by:

In a new documentary about Manchester United’s Class of ’92, David Beckham admits that when he joined the team at the age of 16, his teammates hazed him by making him jack off on a picture of a former playing while they all jeered at his ass. Becks says that the picture he squirted his dick sauce on was a picture of Manchester United legend Clayton Blackmore who looked like this:


I’ll wait here while you do yourself to that picture, because I know those curly bangs, that stache and those overgrown eyebrows (I think they’re growing onto his eyelids) are doing things to you and making your body self-lubricate itself.

According to Metro, Becks describes his hazing ritual like this (Tip: Don’t read it in his Minnie Mouse voice unless you want to make your nipples deflate):

“Everyone had an initiation that you had to go through on the youth team, that was one of the most uncomfortable ones! The fact that I had to look at Clayton Blackmore’s calendar and do certain things, while looking at Clayton Blackmore… I mean it was embarrassing to talk about! I was embarrassed when I was saying it on camera let alone talking about it more. But it’s something that we all had to go through. It was definitely something I wouldn’t like to go through again!”

Finally, after all these years, Posh Beckham now knows why Becks always wants to tape an 8X10 glossy of Clayton Blackmore onto her face before they do sex.

When it comes to fucked-up hazing rituals, this one is pretty tame. I mean, who hasn’t fapped on a picture in front of a bunch of dudes?Kanye does that all the time (except the picture is of himself). But you  know, I’ve had this dream before, except Becks was a lot older and a picture of Clayton Blackmore was replaced with Cristiano Ronaldo’s greasy charbroiled ass cheeks.

And I don’t know why Becks is acting all embarrassed about this shit. It’s not like that was the only time he ever squeezed his peen on a picture. He used to hang around Tom Cruise a lot and was “flirting” with Scientology. Jacking it on a picture of L. Ron Hubbard is a Scientologist’s version of praying.



The Hell Is Going On Here: Harper Seven Made Anna Wintour Smile

September 9, 2013 / Posted by:

Anna Wintour might never be able to show her ghoul face in the House of the Death Eaters again, because she shamed them all on Saturday when her frozen bitch face cracked and let out a small smile while spending time with Harper Seven Beckham. The evil bitch queen is actually smiling at the young, innocent maiden? This is like something out of the weirdest Brothers Grimm fairy tale.

Harper Seven and her DILF of a daddy David Beckham sat front row at Posh Beckham’s NYFW show on Saturday, and next to them was Anna Wintour who actually seemed to be charmed by a child. That smile Anna’s throwing isn’t even a condescending “awwww, bless her for wearing a dress that totally gives her body the wrong silhouette” smile or a “she MIGHT be able to get catalog work if she loses 10 pounds” smile. That seems like an actual genuine smile. When Anna Wintour cracks a smile and the mound of frozen souls in her chest feels warmth, the walls of Hell come crashing down. Lucifer doesn’t know what to think anymore.

I see what Posh did here. Posh is getting back at that bitch Anna for never putting her on the cover of Vogue by melting her black heart. Well played, Posh.

Here’s more of Harper killing Anna with her innocence and also some pictures of Posh with her family at Balthazar after the show.

Pics: Splash, Instagram, Instagram

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