The annual Cannes amfAR Gala for AIDS research was held last night, and it’s an event that truly brings out the best attempts in fashion. This is what Nicki Minaj looked like, and I love it all. The Morticia Addams hair paired with the un-dead boudoir eleganza from Roberto Cavalli and the ten pounds of diamonds makes her look like Vampira’s money-hungry hustler sister Scampira. Watch out, rich dudes – she’ll suck the life out of you and your bank account!
Well, if we’re going to talk about the medieval turd that is the latest King Arthur movie, we may as well do it in between looking at Charlie Hunnam’s nipples.
Guy Ritchie’s King Arthur: Legend of the Sword had a production budget of $175 million. That doesn’t include the money that was spent to pimp it out, and it also doesn’t include the bottles of Valium that Warner Bros. publicists swallowed down every time Charlie Hunnam said dumb shit in an interview. King Arthur opened this past weekend and more people wanted to pay to see Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn looking like Johnny Depp-levels of stanky than see Charlie Hunnam in leather. It bombed bad, and based on the reviews, it made some say, “Maybe that dried dingle wasn’t THAT bad,” while thinking about the King Arthur movie with Clive Owen and Keira Knightley.
When the headline “David Beckham Emails Hacked” passed my eyes this weekend, I figured that the folder titled “DICK!!!!!” on my desktop would get a new addition. But the alleged hacking of David Beckham’s emails didn’t gift us with a picture of his dick, but it did paint him as a giant dick. And of course, Minnie Mouse’s voice twin is denying it all.
This pick is straight out of left field if left field was 2005. I’m guessing that David Beckham’s publicist promised People the EXCLUSIVE divorce news if that ever happens and also gave a whole lot of sloppy salad tossings, because this is random for 2015. Yes, it could’ve been a whole lot better (see: Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba or Carrot Top), but it could’ve been a whole lot worse too (see: Blake Shelton, Justin Bieber or Jim Bob Duggar. You know those messes at People thought about that last one for a second.)
Posh’s husband took the Sexiest Man Alive crown off of Thor’s 90s boy band hair and gave the same pageant ass answer they all give when they’re called sexy and hot. They all say, “Oh me, hot? I’ve always thought I was a dog!” Try to read this in Becks’ signature “British cartoon mouse after inhaling a bunch of helium” voice.
“It’s a huge honor. And I’m very pleased to accept. I never feel that I’m an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don’t ever think of myself that way.”
If you’re still meh-ing over this choice, you obviously didn’t read all the words on that cover. I mean, he vacuums! He’s like a hot tattooed Roomba with abs and a squeakier voice.
I’ll okay with this, but I’ll also say that People once again messed up when picking a cover photo. They just should’ve slapped Becks’ bubble butt on the cover and called it a day.
My favorite literary journal of the utmost integrity, The Daily Mail, yanked the pacifier out of Harper Seven Beckham’s 4-year-old mouth the other day when they published new pictures of her with a binky in her mouth. They also asked the question that should keep all of us from going to sleep every single night: “Why does Harper, four, still use a dummy?” “Dummy” is British talk for pacifier.
The Daily Mail spoke to several “experts” who put on their Captain Concern Troll cap and said that in their professional opinion, if Harper keeps using a pacifier, she’ll have teeth like a hockey-playing meth head who chewed on a bunch of rocks, and she could also develop a speech impediment. Their experts say that chirrun should only use a pacifier for a few months and that no 4-year-old should depend on one. Child Protective Services must’ve been closed the past few days, or something, because I didn’t read anything about how all the Beckham children were taken away after CPS learned Posh and David Beckham were committing the worst kind of child abuse by letting their 4-year-old daughter use a pacifier.
Becks jumped on Instagram yesterday and served a Super Sized cup of “Stick A Pacifier In Your Mouth And Shut The Fuck Up” to the Daily Mail and judgy parents who live to judge.
Why do people feel they have the right to criticize a parent about their own children without having any facts ?? Everybody who has children knows that when they aren’t feeling well or have a fever you do what comforts them best and most of the time it’s a pacifier so those who criticize think twice about what you say about other people’s children because actually you have no right to criticize me as a parent …
I’ve said this before, but I sucked on my thumb until the 3rd grade (the jokes, they tell themselves) and my teeth came out all kinds of jacked up. I had teeth like a rabbit on crack. My buck teeth were in a different zip code than my mouth. It only took 2 years of nighttime headgear use and 5 years of braces to straighten that wonky situation out. But I’m sure Harper’s teeth will be fine and even if they’re not, Posh and Becks can easily afford to have all of her teeth replaced with tiny bars of diamonds.
But what if H7 is a tiny raver and she was using that pacifier because she was rolling on E? And the Daily Mail is rudely trying to screw with her roll. Now that’s a real act of child abuse!
Here’s the pacifier defender looking hot while leaving Hole Cycle (typo and it stays) in L.A. yesterday.
Hot British ball-wrangling DILF David Beckham turned 40 years old this weekend, and decided to celebrate by throwing a huge-ass party in Marrakech, Morocco. A party in Morocco? Sounds like someone’s too good for dinner at the Olive Garden followed by a solitary box of wine in bed, aka how I plan on ringing in my 40th. Not surprisingly, David’s birthday party was full of famous types. But the most important famous types on his guest list were THE SPICE GIRLS!!! Excuse me while 13-year-old me gets very jealous of David Beckham.
Posh Spice Instagrammed a couple pics of four-fifths of the Spice Girls reuniting at David’s party. For those of you wondering why Scary Spice looks a lot like Gabrielle Solis from Desperate Housewives, that’s actually Eva Longoria filling in as Tiny Spice. For some reason, Scary Spice wasn’t there; my not-so-secret hope is that she was too busy dumping her shady scumbag husband’s things on the front lawn and changing the locks to make it.
Regardless, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. I especially love that Posh is giving classic Posh face, Sporty and Baby are serving up that backup realness, while Ginger Spice is working “Just casually reaching for my phone and angling my legs so I can make a break for it.” Although I don’t know why she’d want to. David had four birthday cakes at his party!
Awww, that’s pretty cute – each one came from one of his kids. Never have I wanted to have a dozen children so badly in all my life.
Here’s more of the Spice Girls meet-up at David Beckham’s birthday party over the weekend, including a shot of Posh helping David blow out his candles (or is she using him as a human shield from all that cake? I’m not sure).
Pics: Instagram, Daily Mail