When the headline “David Beckham Emails Hacked” passed my eyes this weekend, I figured that the folder titled “DICK!!!!!” on my desktop would get a new addition. But the alleged hacking of David Beckham’s emails didn’t gift us with a picture of his dick, but it did paint him as a giant dick. And of course, Minnie Mouse’s voice twin is denying it all.
This pick is straight out of left field if left field was 2005. I’m guessing that David Beckham’s publicist promised People the EXCLUSIVE divorce news if that ever happens and also gave a whole lot of sloppy salad tossings, because this is random for 2015. Yes, it could’ve been a whole lot better (see: Prince Hot Ginge, Idris Elba or Carrot Top), but it could’ve been a whole lot worse too (see: Blake Shelton, Justin Bieber or Jim Bob Duggar. You know those messes at People thought about that last one for a second.)
Posh’s husband took the Sexiest Man Alive crown off of Thor’s 90s boy band hair and gave the same pageant ass answer they all give when they’re called sexy and hot. They all say, “Oh me, hot? I’ve always thought I was a dog!” Try to read this in Becks’ signature “British cartoon mouse after inhaling a bunch of helium” voice.
“It’s a huge honor. And I’m very pleased to accept. I never feel that I’m an attractive, sexy person. I mean I like to wear nice clothes and nice suits and look and feel good, but I don’t ever think of myself that way.”
If you’re still meh-ing over this choice, you obviously didn’t read all the words on that cover. I mean, he vacuums! He’s like a hot tattooed Roomba with abs and a squeakier voice.
I’ll okay with this, but I’ll also say that People once again messed up when picking a cover photo. They just should’ve slapped Becks’ bubble butt on the cover and called it a day.
My favorite literary journal of the utmost integrity, The Daily Mail, yanked the pacifier out of Harper Seven Beckham’s 4-year-old mouth the other day when they published new pictures of her with a binky in her mouth. They also asked the question that should keep all of us from going to sleep every single night: “Why does Harper, four, still use a dummy?” “Dummy” is British talk for pacifier.
The Daily Mail spoke to several “experts” who put on their Captain Concern Troll cap and said that in their professional opinion, if Harper keeps using a pacifier, she’ll have teeth like a hockey-playing meth head who chewed on a bunch of rocks, and she could also develop a speech impediment. Their experts say that chirrun should only use a pacifier for a few months and that no 4-year-old should depend on one. Child Protective Services must’ve been closed the past few days, or something, because I didn’t read anything about how all the Beckham children were taken away after CPS learned Posh and David Beckham were committing the worst kind of child abuse by letting their 4-year-old daughter use a pacifier.
Becks jumped on Instagram yesterday and served a Super Sized cup of “Stick A Pacifier In Your Mouth And Shut The Fuck Up” to the Daily Mail and judgy parents who live to judge.
Why do people feel they have the right to criticize a parent about their own children without having any facts ?? Everybody who has children knows that when they aren’t feeling well or have a fever you do what comforts them best and most of the time it’s a pacifier so those who criticize think twice about what you say about other people’s children because actually you have no right to criticize me as a parent …
I’ve said this before, but I sucked on my thumb until the 3rd grade (the jokes, they tell themselves) and my teeth came out all kinds of jacked up. I had teeth like a rabbit on crack. My buck teeth were in a different zip code than my mouth. It only took 2 years of nighttime headgear use and 5 years of braces to straighten that wonky situation out. But I’m sure Harper’s teeth will be fine and even if they’re not, Posh and Becks can easily afford to have all of her teeth replaced with tiny bars of diamonds.
But what if H7 is a tiny raver and she was using that pacifier because she was rolling on E? And the Daily Mail is rudely trying to screw with her roll. Now that’s a real act of child abuse!
Here’s the pacifier defender looking hot while leaving Hole Cycle (typo and it stays) in L.A. yesterday.
Hot British ball-wrangling DILF David Beckham turned 40 years old this weekend, and decided to celebrate by throwing a huge-ass party in Marrakech, Morocco. A party in Morocco? Sounds like someone’s too good for dinner at the Olive Garden followed by a solitary box of wine in bed, aka how I plan on ringing in my 40th. Not surprisingly, David’s birthday party was full of famous types. But the most important famous types on his guest list were THE SPICE GIRLS!!! Excuse me while 13-year-old me gets very jealous of David Beckham.
Posh Spice Instagrammed a couple pics of four-fifths of the Spice Girls reuniting at David’s party. For those of you wondering why Scary Spice looks a lot like Gabrielle Solis from Desperate Housewives, that’s actually Eva Longoria filling in as Tiny Spice. For some reason, Scary Spice wasn’t there; my not-so-secret hope is that she was too busy dumping her shady scumbag husband’s things on the front lawn and changing the locks to make it.
Regardless, 4 out of 5 ain’t bad. I especially love that Posh is giving classic Posh face, Sporty and Baby are serving up that backup realness, while Ginger Spice is working “Just casually reaching for my phone and angling my legs so I can make a break for it.” Although I don’t know why she’d want to. David had four birthday cakes at his party!
Awww, that’s pretty cute – each one came from one of his kids. Never have I wanted to have a dozen children so badly in all my life.
Here’s more of the Spice Girls meet-up at David Beckham’s birthday party over the weekend, including a shot of Posh helping David blow out his candles (or is she using him as a human shield from all that cake? I’m not sure).
Pics: Instagram, Daily Mail
Sorry, but I’m not referring to Anna Wintour or that roided-up right arm of hers (seriously, she looks like she was cobbled together using the spare parts from a He-Man doll, and I am concerned). I’m talking about Harper Seven Beckham, who dragged her family to something called the Burberry ‘London in Los Angeles’ event last night. I know Harper is barely able to count to 20, but she’s already more sophistimacated than I’ll ever be. People says that during the show, an “insider” tells them Harper used her platform as the unofficial queen of the front row (sorry, Kanye) to school all those déclassé tricks on how to pick your nose like a lady:
“David doted on her the entire time, stroking her hair and chatting back and forth as she pointed things out on the runway. She would even clap along when everyone else did. At one point, she (I assume) told him she needed to pick her nose because he held up his hand to cover her face while she did so, then laughed after she was done and was wiping her nose.”
And here I am blowing mine, farmer-style, into a used McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper. Harper Seven should really consider pestering her mommy to invest some of her Spice World residual checks in a finishing school, because some of us could greatly benefit from her mentorship.
Sadly, there are no pictures of Harper and her family arriving at that Burberry event last night, but here’s everyone else. I want to say it was some kind of fancy British fashion event, but that would be a lie, because the fanciest British person I’m aware of, Hyacinth Bucket, was not in attendance. Instead, we have Naomi Campbell, Cara Della Reese, Ryan Seacrest, and a very pregnant Jaime “Not That Ja’mie King” King.
At the gala dinner for Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty at the Victoria & Albert Museum in London last night, photographers put on protection masks and braced themselves when Posh Beckham sashayed onto the black carpet, because trick was posing so damn hard that they were afraid she’d snap in two sending bones flying everywhere.
While looking like a strung out, half-drowned alley cat who hasn’t slept in months and just took some E, Posh busted out her usual sexy face poses while David Beckham just shrugged on the inside and went with it, because by now he’s used to her working it like a last year Barbizon student on graduation day. Hos always throw shit at Posh for posing like a seductive corpse, but I, for one, appreciate that shit. So many of those famous messes just stand there and smile, and at least Posh is giving us a HAHAHA-inducing show by posing for HER LIFE while her chichi balls scream from being suffocated. Or should I say, “posing for HER DEATH,” since she looks like a zombie on Ambien styled by Tim Burton.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night including FKA Twigs looking like a glorious exploding Lisa Frank Bird of Paradise in a sea of funeral lingerie (see: Kate Moss) and butchered ostriches (see: Naomi Campbell).