Former frosted-tipped douche fashion vanguard and current panty model David Beckham appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday night to talk about being a delicate-voiced DILF or something, and Jimmy Kimmel made a sarcastic joke about how he’s really let himself go since retiring from soccer in 2013. However, what Jimmy didn’t know is that his joke about being a fat would hit a little too close to home.
David confessed that after he recently took a bath with his 3-year-old daughter Harper Seven Eight Nine Beckham, she looked at her grotesque lardass of a father and hissed: “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t like you, you’re so chubby.” Yeah, are we sure it wasn’t actually Victoria Beckham throwing her voice while hiding behind a toothbrush? “Oooh, Daddy, it looks like you’ve gained 1/16th of a stone, you hideous slob. No more lemon and water smoothies for you, tubby.” Or maybe she was just delivering a subtle message from Auntie Anna Wintour. “Harper, I’ll put your mommy and daddy on the cover of American VOGUE, but daddy needs to lose a couple pounds first, capiche?”
You can hear the story of Harper fat-shaming her naked father at the 0:24 mark:
He also went on to talk about how he’s basically an Uber driver now that he’s retired. That’s probably why Harper read his ass in the bath – she was just getting him back for the terrible service she received the last time he drove her to nursery school. That’s what you get for forgetting to offer your passenger a bottle of water, David!
Here’s Harper’s so chubby daddy on his way into Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.
In a new documentary about Manchester United’s Class of ’92, David Beckham admits that when he joined the team at the age of 16, his teammates hazed him by making him jack off on a picture of a former playing while they all jeered at his ass. Becks says that the picture he squirted his dick sauce on was a picture of Manchester United legend Clayton Blackmore who looked like this:
I’ll wait here while you do yourself to that picture, because I know those curly bangs, that stache and those overgrown eyebrows (I think they’re growing onto his eyelids) are doing things to you and making your body self-lubricate itself.
According to Metro, Becks describes his hazing ritual like this (Tip: Don’t read it in his Minnie Mouse voice unless you want to make your nipples deflate):
“Everyone had an initiation that you had to go through on the youth team, that was one of the most uncomfortable ones! The fact that I had to look at Clayton Blackmore’s calendar and do certain things, while looking at Clayton Blackmore… I mean it was embarrassing to talk about! I was embarrassed when I was saying it on camera let alone talking about it more. But it’s something that we all had to go through. It was definitely something I wouldn’t like to go through again!”
Finally, after all these years, Posh Beckham now knows why Becks always wants to tape an 8X10 glossy of Clayton Blackmore onto her face before they do sex.
When it comes to fucked-up hazing rituals, this one is pretty tame. I mean, who hasn’t fapped on a picture in front of a bunch of dudes?Kanye does that all the time (except the picture is of himself). But you know, I’ve had this dream before, except Becks was a lot older and a picture of Clayton Blackmore was replaced with Cristiano Ronaldo’s greasy charbroiled ass cheeks.
And I don’t know why Becks is acting all embarrassed about this shit. It’s not like that was the only time he ever squeezed his peen on a picture. He used to hang around Tom Cruise a lot and was “flirting” with Scientology. Jacking it on a picture of L. Ron Hubbard is a Scientologist’s version of praying.
Anna Wintour might never be able to show her ghoul face in the House of the Death Eaters again, because she shamed them all on Saturday when her frozen bitch face cracked and let out a small smile while spending time with Harper Seven Beckham. The evil bitch queen is actually smiling at the young, innocent maiden? This is like something out of the weirdest Brothers Grimm fairy tale.
Harper Seven and her DILF of a daddy David Beckham sat front row at Posh Beckham’s NYFW show on Saturday, and next to them was Anna Wintour who actually seemed to be charmed by a child. That smile Anna’s throwing isn’t even a condescending “awwww, bless her for wearing a dress that totally gives her body the wrong silhouette” smile or a “she MIGHT be able to get catalog work if she loses 10 pounds” smile. That seems like an actual genuine smile. When Anna Wintour cracks a smile and the mound of frozen souls in her chest feels warmth, the walls of Hell come crashing down. Lucifer doesn’t know what to think anymore.
I see what Posh did here. Posh is getting back at that bitch Anna for never putting her on the cover of Vogue by melting her black heart. Well played, Posh.
Here’s more of Harper killing Anna with her innocence and also some pictures of Posh with her family at Balthazar after the show.
Once the bald Shih Tzu whose hair was used to make a wig for John Travolta stops shivering, it should be grateful that it has the ability to grow hair and can help Scientology’s sexiest pin-up (sorry, Kirstie Alley) take his glamour and beauty to the next level. With ten jars of Bonne Bell foundation smeared across his face and half of the Westminster Dog Show on top of his head, John Travolta graced the opening of Breitling’s flagship store in London with his presence. David Beckham was also there, but as Nancy Pelosi would say, “Who cares?” John Travolta’s wig > Becks
I’ve always made fun of John Travolta’s busted down, tragic wigs and hairpieces, but I can’t make fun of this one. Not since the Red Sea has there been such a glorious part and those fake dandruff balls (or maybe those are dried cum flakes) add an authentic touch. We also have to give him a standing ovation for that under-chin goatee. If you turn your head upside down and look at his chin, it kind of looks like a fat Shar Pei wearing an oversized yarmulke made of hair. That under-chin fur patch isn’t only a beauty statement, it’s also highly functional. Do you know how many taints and nutsacks were exfoliated with that thing? There’s a lot of smooth taints out there and they owe it all to John Travolta’s loofah patch.
The Beliebers probably think that they are the champions of causing chaos whenever they’re in the presence of their Canadian Fetus Jesus, but new challengers have arrived and snatched the title away from them. Thousands of people showed up to Shanghai University to see David Beckham in a demonstration match with the school’s soccer team and when the gate to the stadium opened, they went crazy and trampled all over each other. I guess nobody told them that the year is not 2002 and Becks showed up fully clothed.
They lost it like they were in the audience of Oprah’s Favorite Things and Oprah announced that her favorite things are Jon Hamm’s Hammaconda, Prince Hot Ginge’s pubes, a case of Jell-O 1-2-3, a vial full of Alexis Carrington’s bathwater and the lost final episode of Footballers Wives. If they were wearing KKK hoodies, I’d guess that it was a Klan meeting and Paula Deen was just announced as the special guest speaker. It’s like they’re doing a dramatization of the entire Internet seconds after everyone found out that Kim and Kanye really did name their baby North West.
In North Korea today, Kim Jong-un is showing this clip to his people to teach them how to greet him from now on. If someone isn’t almost getting trampled to death while saying “hello” to him, it’s not good enough.
The Telegraph says that several people were injured and 5 people had to go to the hospital. 5 people going to the hospital over trying to see Becks in the year 2013 is a sad thing, but something good did come out of it. Somebody did lose their Crocs during all of the insanity (at the 0:59 mark). Whenever a pair of Crocs gets abandoned on the street and is destined to live the rest of its life as a toilet for pigeons, the world is an inch closer to becoming a better place.
Well, I guess Tommy Girl got the Beckhams in the divorce, because here he is spending time with them and his son Connor at the Kings game in L.A. last night. As Posh Beckham tried to keep herself from heaving up pieces of her charred black soul while sitting around hot dogs, polyblend shirts and beer burps, Tommy Girl and the secret-boyfriend-in-his-head David Beckham played with Harper the 7th.
Tommy’s telekinesis powers failed him last night, because he wasn’t able to use his mind to move the KissCam camera onto him and Becks. The camera landed on Becks and Harper Seven instead.
I know, I almost awwww’d myself into a coma.
And as I type this, Tommy’s full-time Photoshoppers are erasing everybody but him, Becks and Harper from this picture and adding Suri, so he can have the perfect family portrait to hang in his closet!
David Beckham announced today that he is retiring from handling balls, professionally, and his bulge may never grace a field again. 38-year-old (which is CRUSTY ANCIENT OLD in sports years) said in a statement today that once his season with Paris Saint-Germain is over, he’s going to devote all of his time to selling his used jockstraps on eBay.
“[I am] thankful to PSG for giving me the opportunity to continue but I feel now is the right time to finish my career, playing at the highest level. If you had told me as a young boy I would have played for and won trophies with my boyhood club Manchester United, proudly captained and played for my country over one hundred times and lined up for some of the biggest clubs in the world, I would have told you it was a fantasy. I’m fortunate to have realized those dreams.
To this day, one of my proudest achievements is captaining my country. I knew every time I wore the Three Lions shirt, I was not only following in a long line of great players, I was also representing every fan that cared passionately about their country. I’m honored to represent England both on and off the pitch. … I want to thank all my teammates, the great managers that I had the pleasure of learning from. I also want to thank the fans who have all supported me and given me the strength to succeed.”
Becks may be retired, but the memory of his soccer field nipples, soccer field bulge and soccer field acts of homoeroticism will forever live on Google Images (and in a folder I keep on my desktop).
Here’s David Beckham hugging on a little girl whose voice is probably deeper than his. (Although, that’s not saying much since the high-pitched bark that comes out of my chihuahua’s yap hole is deeper than Beck’s voice.) Becks held onto Harper Seven as he walked out of a store in Paris today and he’s making the same face I make when I hug my vaporizer. It’s a look of true love.
Becks doesn’t really hug Posh anymore, because every time he does, the warm human affection causes her icicle bones to melt and all that’s left of her is a puddle of liquefied misery, oversized sunglasses and a Louis Vuitton butt stick. Then Becks has to get an ice sculptor to refreeze her and put her back together again. It really ruins the moment.
So whenever Becks gets to be all warm with another human he gets so happy that it looks like his internal organs are turning into heart-shaped mylar balloons. Squeeeee!
I don’t know where I’ve been, because I have never noticed David Beckham’s beautiful bubble bottom butt before. It’s glorious. Is he wearing push-up panties, because his ass is so high that it looks like it’s worshiping God. No wonder Becks’ former stalker Tommy Girl wanted to surgically attach his tongue to Becks’ anus lips. He wanted to wake up in dat ass for the rest of his days and I can’t blame him. I want to lay my head on that ass. I want to eat Thin Mints off that ass. I want to miniaturize myself and jump on it like I’m in a Sleepy’s commercial. I want to stay miniaturized and twirl around on his butt cheeks while singing, “the hiiiiiiiiiills are alive.”
Screw that football shit, with nalgas like that, he should be the captain of the Twerk Team. It’s a damn shame that Posh Beckham won’t munch on his ass, because she thinks butt has too many calories in it. When he wiggles it and convinces her to lick it, she probably pours a little Sensa on it before she eats. How dreadful and a waste of some good Honey Baked ham ass.
Here’s pictures of Becks’ nearly busting the back seams of his pants at a stadium in Bejing yesterday and also pictures of him signing autographs at an event for his H&M bodywear line in Berlin.