And Now For The Time A Messy David Arquette Tried To Fight Justin Bieber During His 21st Birthday Party

On Saturday night, juvenile delinquent Pizza Party Kevin doll Justin Bieber celebrated turning 21 years old, and even though he’s a big boy now, he did have a clown at his birthday party, and Page Six says that clown was David Arquette. Shortly after Justin filmed his Comedy Central roast, he flew to Las Vegas to celebrate his birthday at the Omnia club with his nearest and douchiest, one of which was Omnia co-owner David Arquette, who got next-level messy and tried to fight him.

According to a party guest,  it all went down at the afterparty in Justin’s hotel suite when a “pretty messed up” David was heard talking shit about Justin Bieber behind his back. Maybe David got confused and thought they were still at the roast? Anyway, when Justin heard that David was saying not-nice words about him, he and a friend kicked him out. Somehow that crafty cravat-wearing weasel got back in and bum-rushed the birthday boy in an attempt to take him down. There was a bit of a scuffle before David Arquette was finally thrown out for good.

There is so much about this dramatic situation that I don’t understand. Why the hell was 43-year-old David Arquette at Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday party? I know he sort of owns the club, but still – if that isn’t the definition of “I make poor life choices“, then I don’t know what is. Also, why would he follow Justin Bieber to the afterparty if he hated him so much? I’ll never understand that. One time this trick came to my birthday party and told me “You know, I didn’t even want to come” and I was like “This isn’t a hostage situation with cake, bitch, you can leave anytime you want.”

David, I know the siren song of free booze and pizza is strong, but sometimes it just isn’t worth it! Here’s David just before he went HAM on the red carpet at Justin Bieber’s birthday party:

Pics: Splash

David Arquette Is Somebody’s Father For The Second Time

The bartenders at Bootsy Bellows better set aside a couple cases of celebratory booze tonight for David Arquette (“So, just like every other night?” – the bartenders at Bootsy Bellows), because UsWeekly says that a rep for David Arquette (Coco Arquette working hard for that allowance money) has confirmed that David’s girlfriend and aspiring Leighton Meester stand-in Christina McLarty gave birth to their son on Monday night. The source says that baby is healthy and they’ve named him Charlie West Arquette.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but aside from the various forms of Jaden/Kaiden/Aiden, Charlie seems to be a pretty popular name, right? It’s not bad, I just assumed that the brain responsible for convincing David to get a giant Wonder Woman tattoo might also be fried enough to convince him to name his baby son something hilariously regrettable, like Puppetmaster or Fireball or [siren sound].

But Charlie is good, and it’s even better when you put it together with the name of his big sister and get Coco and Charlie. Coco and Charlie sounds like a Disney Channel show about a quirky sister and brother duo who run a pet sitting business out of an abandoned Airstream with help from the ghost of their wise-cracking Grandpa. I can just picture them now, standing back-to-back with their arms crossed, rolling their eyes at the ghost hovering above them,  like ”That’s our Grandpa!’

Pic: Splash

David Arquette Is Going To Be Somebody’s Father Again

The above picture is what it would look like if Drop Dead Fred and Lizzie smoked a whole lot of blue meth. Moving on…

Multiple sources (aka David’s spokeswhore, David’s spokeswhore’s assistant and David’s spokeswhore’s intern) tell People that David Arquette and his on-and-off girlfriend of 2 years oil slick Leighton Meester Christina McLarty are going to be parents to a newborn in a few months. David kind of let this news slip last week on Howard Stern when he drunkenly called his 9-year-old daughter with Courteney Cox his “first child.”

When People asked David’s spokeswhore to comment on this, his spokeswhore said, “You dumb shits! I just told you about this! Oh wait, that was from an ‘inside source.’ Um. I do not comment on David’s personal life. Goodbye.”

At first, I kind of sort of said, “Poor kid,” to myself since the current state of David’s life is set to MESS (but isn’t it always?) and the kid will one day learn that its mother was once married to douche rash Joe Francis, but their kid will be fine. I say that after reading about Charlie and Brooke’s A+++ parenting skills.

Kelly Osbourne Dressed Up As a Satin Glide Tampon For Halloween

And one soaked in vodka, if the glazed look in her eyes and the two-man-lift it took to get her off the curb is any indication. I know, I know, I’m gross. But not as gross as what I came across when I was fact checking types of tampons. DO NOT CLICK IT unless you’re in a safe place to throw up or a glutton for punishment. I’m also going to need a head start if you want to come after me because I’m a natural gimp and trip a lot.

Kelly partied at Bootsy Bellows last night dressed as Carrie after a hard week of butting her giant, bargain basement Mrs. Slocombe head against Lady Gaga’s collection of various ‘roided out craft projects and hating on cake. Who the fuck hates on cake? Satan himself could send Dina Lohan to my door with a Fudgie the Whale cake, for which she had to Rockette kick a motherfucker in the face at Carvel and I’d be digging into that shit before I could tell White Oprah to get off my lawn.

Also pictured are  David Arquette, Carmen Electra and her tits, Joanna Krupa (delicately squatting in the gutter like all angelic beings), Shenae Grimes with her husband Josh Beech, and party host Adam Lambert.

(Pics via SplashNews)

Would You Hit It?

Here’s David Arquette on the Detroit set of his new movie Orion wearing almost the same slut-blocking chain harness that LeAnn Rimes makes Eddie Cibrian wear under his clothes whenever he leaves the house without her. David tweeted this picture and thanked his trainer for putting muscles and veins on his body and helping him make his thighs look like two whole turkeys stuffed with loaves of bread.

Marjory the Trash Heap just dragged this picture straight into the fap file on her desktop. You know every hoarder is fapping to this too. This is what it would look like if the Folsom Street Fair took place in the middle of a Junkyard War for some reason.

Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about David Arquette looking like this. Yes, I’d hit it on a broken toilet in the middle of a junkyard, but I’d feel really weird about it afterward.

via E! 

The Devil Is Fapping Tonight!

If this doesn’t give you a reason to feed your Labor Day hangover with a morning office cocktail made of Wite-Out, stamp blotter water and the juice of a fermented crab apple left in back of the refrigerator by one of your co-workers, then I don’t know what will. ABC poured equal parts Photoshop and sequins into fuckery’s asshole and stood back as it shat out these messy promo pictures from the new season of Dancing for Relevancy. These pictures are even more awkward and uncomfortable than the pictures from Tommy Girl and Stepford Katie’s wedding. There’s more tension in these pictures than there would be at a joint prom between the KKK and the NAACP.

And the whipped dollop of mess on top of all of this is NANCY GRACE! You didn’t know your retinas could go flaccid until you laid eyes on Nancy Grace sticking her chichis out and wearing the indescribable hose my abuelita bought from Sanborns in Tijuana. (Seriously, you could use those hos to muzzle a hyena and they would not tear.) Bitch looks like Chris Griffin in low-budget drag to play the lead role in a community theater production of Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Hopefully, this image makes Casey Anthony chloroform herself. Or it could make Casey Anthony try to duct tape those giant baby heads on Nancy’s chest. Either way, it’s a win for the rest of us.

Here’s the rest of this mess of a cast in order: Our Girl Nancy (with Tristan MacManus), Carson Kressley (with Anna Trebunskaya), Chaz Bono (with Brooke Hogan), Chynna Phillips (with a stick of pure cheese), David Arquette (with Kym “Siamese Cat” Johnson), Elisabetta Canalis (with Val Chmerkovskiy), Hope Solo (with Maksim Chmerkovskiy), J.R. Martinez (with Karina Smirnoff Ice), Kristin Cavallari (with Mark Ballas), Rob Kardashian (with Mop Head), Metta World Peace (with some one-legged trick) and Ricki Lake (with Derek Hough).