Finally, a story about a famous person and their spawn that doesn’t involve a custody fight or pulling the curtain back on their absentee ways. This one is actually nice. Back in October, we found out that David Arquette was going to be a daddy for the third time. Yesterday, David announced on Instagram that his wife Christina Arquette spent International Women’s Day doing an extremely woman-ish thing, which was giving birth to a baby.
David Arquette might give off the laid-back goofus vibe of a dude who always forgets to wear condoms and keeps knocking up randoms, like “Whoopsies! Looks like I’m someone’s pop again!“. But 45-year-old David only has two kids, and very soon he’ll have three. David announced on Instagram last night that his wife Christina Arquette is pregnant with their second child. David and Christina already have a 2-year-old son named Charlie West, and Charlie is getting a little brother.
David’s new baby will also have a half-sister; David’s 12-year-old daughter Coco, who we all probably know he made with Courteney Cox. It’s probably best that David didn’t announce his wife’s new baby in the current most-popular celebrity baby announcement way, because it would be wrong wrong wrong to let Charlie kiss a Clearblue test stick.
I can already feel Michael K’s soul cringing at David’s use of the term “over the moon” to describe how excited he is that his wife is knocked up again. But I’m more focused on the fact that this means David will now have two kids under the age of three. And it’s not like he can escape by going to work at his bar. No matter where he goes, he’ll be dealing with crying messes. Tears, tantrums, and barf around bedtime at home. Tears, tantrums, and barf around last call at the bar. At least the people throwing tantrums at his house will be cute.
It’s kind of cute, and sad at the same time, that all the famous types at the Emmys last weekend thought that they were bringing HIGH FASHION to Hollywood just because they were wearing millions of dollars worth of diamonds and designer gowns that cost three times as much as a black market kidney. If they had the creativity and sense of style of Bai Ling, they’d know that you only need three things to look like the portrait of a refined lady: $1.99 a yard lace from JoAnn Fabrics and two fake road signs from Party City. You know you’re a genuine fashion vanguard and not a wannabe when you say, “clearance section Party City and JoAnn Fabrics scrap bin,” after a reporter asks you who you’re wearing. Bai knows how to work that road sign skirt too, because with one false move, everybody would’ve gotten a peek of her 2nd Street Tunnel.
The modern-day Coco Chanel wore a homemade lace key bra (it’s the key to the
city titties!) and that Hollywood freeway sign skirt thing to the premiere of The Key at the Arclight in Hollywood last night. Bai Ling isn’t only a fashion genius, but she’s also a marketing genius too, because she was a walking elegant billboard for her own movie. Bai Ling does it all. What an inspiration.
And Now For The Time A Messy David Arquette Tried To Fight Justin Bieber During His 21st Birthday Party
On Saturday night, juvenile delinquent Pizza Party Kevin doll Justin Bieber celebrated turning 21 years old, and even though he’s a big boy now, he did have a clown at his birthday party, and Page Six says that clown was David Arquette. Shortly after Justin filmed his Comedy Central roast, he flew to Las Vegas to celebrate his birthday at the Omnia club with his nearest and douchiest, one of which was Omnia co-owner David Arquette, who got next-level messy and tried to fight him.
According to a party guest, it all went down at the afterparty in Justin’s hotel suite when a “pretty messed up” David was heard talking shit about Justin Bieber behind his back. Maybe David got confused and thought they were still at the roast? Anyway, when Justin heard that David was saying not-nice words about him, he and a friend kicked him out. Somehow that crafty cravat-wearing weasel got back in and bum-rushed the birthday boy in an attempt to take him down. There was a bit of a scuffle before David Arquette was finally thrown out for good.
There is so much about this dramatic situation that I don’t understand. Why the hell was 43-year-old David Arquette at Justin Bieber’s 21st birthday party? I know he sort of owns the club, but still – if that isn’t the definition of “I make poor life choices“, then I don’t know what is. Also, why would he follow Justin Bieber to the afterparty if he hated him so much? I’ll never understand that. One time this trick came to my birthday party and told me “You know, I didn’t even want to come” and I was like “This isn’t a hostage situation with cake, bitch, you can leave anytime you want.”
David, I know the siren song of free booze and pizza is strong, but sometimes it just isn’t worth it! Here’s David just before he went HAM on the red carpet at Justin Bieber’s birthday party:
The bartenders at Bootsy Bellows better set aside a couple cases of celebratory booze tonight for David Arquette (“So, just like every other night?” – the bartenders at Bootsy Bellows), because UsWeekly says that a rep for David Arquette (Coco Arquette working hard for that allowance money) has confirmed that David’s girlfriend and aspiring Leighton Meester stand-in Christina McLarty gave birth to their son on Monday night. The source says that baby is healthy and they’ve named him Charlie West Arquette.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but aside from the various forms of Jaden/Kaiden/Aiden, Charlie seems to be a pretty popular name, right? It’s not bad, I just assumed that the brain responsible for convincing David to get a giant Wonder Woman tattoo might also be fried enough to convince him to name his baby son something hilariously regrettable, like Puppetmaster or Fireball or [siren sound].
But Charlie is good, and it’s even better when you put it together with the name of his big sister and get Coco and Charlie. Coco and Charlie sounds like a Disney Channel show about a quirky sister and brother duo who run a pet sitting business out of an abandoned Airstream with help from the ghost of their wise-cracking Grandpa. I can just picture them now, standing back-to-back with their arms crossed, rolling their eyes at the ghost hovering above them, like ”That’s our Grandpa!’
The above picture is what it would look like if Drop Dead Fred and Lizzie smoked a whole lot of blue meth. Moving on…
Multiple sources (aka David’s spokeswhore, David’s spokeswhore’s assistant and David’s spokeswhore’s intern) tell People that David Arquette and his on-and-off girlfriend of 2 years
oil slick Leighton Meester Christina McLarty are going to be parents to a newborn in a few months. David kind of let this news slip last week on Howard Stern when he drunkenly called his 9-year-old daughter with Courteney Cox his “first child.”
When People asked David’s spokeswhore to comment on this, his spokeswhore said, “You dumb shits! I just told you about this! Oh wait, that was from an ‘inside source.’ Um. I do not comment on David’s personal life. Goodbye.”
At first, I kind of sort of said, “Poor kid,” to myself since the current state of David’s life is set to MESS (but isn’t it always?) and the kid will one day learn that its mother was once married to douche rash Joe Francis, but their kid will be fine. I say that after reading about Charlie and Brooke’s A+++ parenting skills.