After being engaged for what felt like forever (2015, truly simpler times), Dave Franco and Alison Brie have gotten married. Dave and Alison seem kind of private, so it’s not like they were going to leap onto the cover of People with a headline screaming “OUR MARRIAGE JOY! 14-picture wedding album inside.” No, instead reps for Dave and Alison simply confirmed that they got married and that’s it.
Dave talked about their future marriage to Entertainment Tonight last June, and he made it seem like neither of them are big on wedding traditions or formality. They’re both sort of goofy people as well, so I really want to believe that Dave showed up to his wedding shirtless and covered in oil, and Alison walked down the aisle in a white lace version of her GLOW leotard.
But what’s really important is the role Dave’s brother James Franco played in the wedding. I’m sure that while Dave and Alison were casually shrugging about their wedding (“Crab puffs? Eh, sure“), James had a 30-point plan of high-art attention-grabbing and spotlight-stealing. Did James slip the wedding officiant a greasy $100 and perform the ceremony in Tommy Wiseau drag? Did James sing a trap version of At Last as a character called Etta James Franco? I’m sure we’ll have all those answers and more at the premiere of James’ next experimental art film, Wedding Cake Fuckers (Yes I Tried to Fuck the Cake).
While the world’s greatest performance artist Shia LaDouche works as telemarketer and calls it art, the world’s second greatest performance artist James Franco graced the streets of Hollywood with his plump chest turnovers and threw a raggedy Conan the Barbarian wig on his head to shoot scenes for his new movie. James Franco is playing Tommy Wiseau, the director of the shit show masterpiece The Room, in The Disaster Artist. James Franco is directing too and it also stars his brother Dave Franco, Ari Graynor, Alison Brie, Hannibal Buress, Kate Upton, Zac Efron, Jacki Weaver and Josh Hutcherson. Oh yeah, Seth Rogen’s in it too, but that pretty much goes without typing, because if those two brofriends go more than 8 hours without seeing each other, they’ll end up shaking in the fetal position on the bathroom floor. Kind of like what happens to me whenever PornHub goes down.
You know, I don’t really get “Tommy Wiseau” from these pictures. To me, James Franco looks more like what you’d get if you put up an ad on Craigslist looking for a bootleg Peter Steele impersonator who will work for 2 beers and shank weed. What I’m saying is that James Franco should get that gutter wig permanently attached to his head, because this is the hottest he’s looked in a while.
James Franco is always giving himself a hand job, self-sucking himself off and tongue boning his own b-hole. I mean that both figuratively and literally (he’s very flexible). So it was inevitable that we’d one day see James Franco getting James Franco off. In an episode of the AOL web series Making A Scene with James Franco, the world of Sex and the City crosses over into the world of Breaking Bad and there’s a fuck scene where James Franco as Walter White gives to James Franco as Carrie Bradshaw from behind. Alicia Silverstone is also in the episode as Charlotte (???).
AOL shit up a sneak peak of the episode and I watched it last night for some reason. The image of James Franco doing James Franco in bad drag is stuck in the deep parts of my brain. So I’m passing this clip on to you in hopes that the images stuck in the deep part of my brain will also be passed to you. It’s kind of like a more terrifying It Follows. James Franco fucking James Franco is at the 1:34 mark.
You’re going to need a palate cleanser after that, so here’s a classic GIF of the other Franco showing Franco how a Franco really fucks a Franco:
My brain is a wet mound of useless information and I usually know whose genitals are currently touching, but either I didn’t know or I forgot that nerd boner-inducer Alison Brie and Dave Franco are a thing. Dave and Alison have apparently been bumping nipples full-time since early 2012 and now she’s going to be James Franco’s sister-in-law. I don’t know how this happened, but it’s happening. E! News has a picture of Alison at the premiere of her new movie Sleeping With Other People and on her hitchin’ finger is an engagement ring. Alison’s rep told E! that it’s true.
I can exclusively report that the Community star and Neighbors funny man are engaged. Brie’s rep confirms the big news.
Brie, 32, and Franco, 30, have reportedly been dating since January 2012. The two have remained tight-lipped about their relationship. In fact, they’re so private that it’s difficult to find photos of the two of them together. In the spring, they both attended the Met Gala, but didn’t walk the carpet separately
They’ve been together for over 3 years, which is 100 years in Hollywood time, so they probably figured that they had a good run and should ruin their relationship by getting married. No, I’m sure they’ll be together forever as long as Alison knows that no matter how hard she tries, she’ll never fuck Dave Franco as good as Dave Franco fucks Dave Franco.
And hopefully during their wedding ceremony, the officiant will make Alison repeat the words, “I promise to love you, cherish you and prune your overgrown Eddie Munster brows with a damn machete.”
The last time I posted about Richard Grieco, he was looking like Johnny Depp if Johnny Depp was bit by a zombie, fell into a vat of boiling oil and spent his days smoking meth off of a tin spoon under the pier at the beach (“So you mean, like Johnny Depp today?” – you). Well, what a difference a year, a bottle of Bonne Bell foundation, a haircut by a speed freak with arthritic hands and some old L.A. Looks gel makes!
Richard Grieco graced the lessers with his presence at last night’s L.A. premiere of 22 Jump Street, because well, the producers promised him a couple of drink tickets and a half-carton of Reds if he showed up. While a bunch of borings showed up being boring, Richard Grieco showed them how sexy is really done. Yes, sexy IS looking like a parched turtle doing its best impersonation of Eddie Munster as a bunch of black crows attack its head. Richard Grieco still has it.
Here’s more of Richard along with pictures of others like Channing Tatum, Dave Franco and Andy Dick. I know, Richard Grieco AND Andy Dick in the same theater together. How didn’t that theater immediately fill with gallons upon gallons of crotch cream?
Wait for it…. Wait for it…. Wait for it…. Or just skip all the kites and strawberries and go straight to the (NSFWish) 1:55 mark. And after all that, I still just want to bead his bushy brows like a friendship pin.