Everybody Calm Down: Chris Brown Bought That Monkey For Himself

All you bleeding heart monkey lovers out there who were ready to crucify Chris Brown for buying a baby monkey for his kid can kindly extinguish your torches. It turns out Chris didn’t buy his daughter a pet monkey after all. He bought it for himself. Quick, somebody get a lighter, we’ve got to light all these torches back up again!

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Darwin The Ikea Monkey Is Living In An Animal Sanctuary Now

Anna Wintour has made the children’s faux shearling coat a staple of her winter wardrobe and every French couture designer will use it as an inspiration for their next collection and it’s all because Darwin the monkey wore one during his fame-making appearance at an Ikea in Toronto over the weekend. Darwin became an instant fashion icon when he escaped out of his owner’s car in an Ikea parking lot on Sunday. Ikea should’ve hired Darwin to be their official door greeter, but they didn’t. Animal Services took him instead. Some people were worried that Darwin would be sold to the Kardashians and fed to Khloe (Yes, she’s a cannibal. That’s how EVIL she is.), but Animal Services sent him to live at the Story Book Farm Primate Sanctuary instead.

The Globe and Mail says that Canadians aren’t allowed to own Darwin’s species, because they’ve been known to carry a type of herpes that is extremely dangerous to humans. Obviously, we don’t have that same law in the US (see: The Kardashians). After Animal Services checked Darwin out and declared him healthy, they sent his 7-month-old ass to the primate sanctuary. Darwin’s owner Yasmin Nakhuda isn’t happy about this and she’s afraid he’s going to freak out without her. Yasmin and Darwin did everything together including showering and she thinks he might gets the serious monkey sads if they stay apart. Yasmin went on to say this:

“How do we know what he needs unless he’s given the right to choose? I think he should be given the right to choose. If he chooses something else than me, that’s fine. For me, it has never been about me, it has always been about him. He is more than a handful: needs to be baby bottle fed night time and needs at least three diaper changes a day. He has to be with me all the time which means he goes with me to the office, sleeps with me, eats with me, showers with me, goes shopping with me.”

Yasmin dressed Darwin up in toddler clothes, locked him in her car while she went out shopping and I didn’t think she was completely crazy until she said that he showers with her. Monkeys have been known to bite off human faces when they get spooked, so she’s crazy for putting her bare crotch that close to a monkey’s face. One small move and RIP, there goes your sex life right into a monkey’s stomach. I don’t think anybody wants to have to write on their Grindr profile: “I can’t cum anymore since my monkey friend tore my fuck parts off, but send me a naked pic anyway!“

And here’s another reason why Darwin is probably in a better place. Yasmin made him wear overalls. OVERALLS!

Does she think he’s Justin Bieber or some shit?