On the sequins-covered 35 car pile-up that is Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, contestants did a dance inspired by a memorable year in their life. Obviously we know that the MOST memorable time in Elizabeth Berkley’s life was the time she made cinema’s answer to the Bible, SHOWGIRLS, but she’s still in denial and hopefully a therapist will help her see the light soon. So she said that next to having her son, doing Saved By The Bell was the most memorable time in her life, so she paid tribute to that time by recreating the legendary caffeine pill meltdown.
YAASS! You know, Jessie Spano and the humanized Ukrainian Chick-O-Stick Val Chmerkovskiy really brought something new to “I’m So Excited” and made me realize what the original scene was missing. The “I’m So Excited” scene from Saved By The Bell would’ve won several honorary Emmys if Zack Morris did the entire scene without a shirt on…like Val did!
Since Elizabeth Berkley is paying tribute to important moments in her career. I fully expect her to recreate the flopping dolphin scene from Showgirls. I will never be able to look her in the face again if she doesn’t.
And here’s my second favorite dance of the night. Leah Remini said that this past year has been the most memorable year in her life, because she’s made a big change by deciding that she’s not going to be told what to do anymore. (Translation: Bitch quit Scientology.) Leah played a puppet who breaks free from her puppeteer.
What a mess. I love it. But I would’ve loved it more if Tony Dovolani wore an alien mask. And John Travolta doesn’t know whether to hiss at this or kiss it all over. On one hand, Leah is calling out Scientology. On the other hand, John Travolta can’t say no to an on-stage costume change and jazz hands. So conflicted!
The 750th season of Dancing with No Stars (And A-Listers Like Valerie Harper, Nomi Malone And Bill Nye) premiered last night and I’m already writing in to Congress, the Supreme Court and Betty White (since she is the supreme decision maker of America) to ask them to disqualify a few of those whores for unfair practices!
Amber Riley from Glee and Corbin Bleu from High School Musical got the highest scores of the night, which is surprising to absolutely no one since they’ve both danced professionally before. They tried to play it off by spitting out some shit like, “I haven’t taken a dance class in years! I’ve been focusing on my singing! I miss dancing! I’ve never danced with a partner before! I barely know what dancing is!,” but please. Those lying, cheating whores. Yes, Elizabeth Berkley tied with Corbin for the second highest score of the night and she’s one of the most skilled dancers in the world (see: practically ever scene in Showgirls), but anybody who’s been in Showgirls can do no wrong, so I’ll let her slide.
Anyway, even though Amber Riley was 3 points away from a perfect score and should probably be declared the winner so we can be spared from watching the rest of the season, Bill Nye was the star of the night. Because he’s Bill Nye the Science Guy, he just had to dance to a song with the word “science” in it. Bill and his partner Tyne Stecklein did the Cha-cha-cha to “Weird Science.” He looked like a half-paralyzed grandpa turtle on extra-strength ludes trying to crawl to a piece of wet lettuce. What I’m trying to say is that his dance was amazing and all the votes should go to Bill.
VOTE FOR BILL!
Bill Nye’s performance is the only performance you need, but click here if you really need to see the others.
The cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens is usually a mound of sad, desperate sludge at the bottom of a whatevercomesafterZ-list cesspool, but this season’s cast is more like a piece of fungus stuck to rock at the bottom of a whatevercomes-afterZ-list cesspool and that’s because bright shining A-list stars like Bill Nye, Elizabeth Berkley and Valerie Harper are in it.
On Good Morning America today, ABC announced the cast of national treasures (see: Bill, Nomi Malone and Rhoda) and has-beens (see: pretty much everybody else) who will dance for a check and relevancy on the new season of DWTS. TMZ leaked some of the cast list a couple of weeks ago, but they didn’t name Bill Nye. Bill Nye’s partner is Tyne Stecklein and I hope that the only song they dance to is the BILL! BILL! BILL! chant. I also hope that after every dance, he explains the scientific benefits that said dance brings to my body. Bill Nye is dancing in the name of science!
But as much as I want to see that Dollar Tree Mirror Ball trophy next to Bill’s Honorary Doctor of Science degree on a shelf in his office, Elizabeth Berkley’s got this. Elizabeth was in the greatest dance movie of all time, Showgirls, and she’s a former member of the highly-esteemed dance troupe Hot Sundae:
And Elizabeth better pay homage to Nomi Malone by doing the “dying dolphin flop” at least once.
Here’s the rest of the cast and it goes without saying, but ABC really fucked up by not including Twerking Minnie Mouse in this mess.
This morning, ABC announced the names of the bright shiny has-beens who will pop their pussies for their 16th minute on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. I only squinted my eyes (like Giggy above) and whispered out a “Harpo, who dis woman?” when I read the names Victor Ortiz and Jacoby Jones (the sports dudes, of course). I recognized 9 out of the 11 names. That’s not bad. But then again my brain is a pop culture trash heap covered with seagull shit and if the new cast of DWTS was full of sitcom stars from the 80s, I’d recognize every single name on there. So let’s see how your ass does. Here’s the entire cast with their partners and count the number of question marks your brain gives birth to while reading this list. GO!
Victor Ortiz (professional boxer ) and newcomer Lindsay Arnold
Kellie Pickler (calamari expert) and real-life twirling Ken Doll Derek Hough
Wynonna Judd (country beauty) and Tony Dovolani
Ingo Rademacher (Jax from General Hospital) and Kym Johnson
Zendaya Coleman (Disney girl) and Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Andy Dick (MESS with a capital MESS) and Sharna Burgess
Lisa Vanderpump (Giggy’s mom) with newcomer Gleb Savchenko
Aly Raisman (Olympic gymnast) with Mark Ballas
Dorothy Hamill (hair icon) with Tristan MacManus
D.L. Hughley (comedian) with Mop Head
Jacoby Jones (NFL player) with Karina Smirnoff
Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Anna Trebunskaya, Chelsie Hightower and Louis Van Amstel are all out this season and Maks is acting like he’s never coming back. I hope this means that Maks is going to quit ballroom dancing to focus on his true calling, gay porn.
There’s only two reasons to watch the new season of Dancing with the Whos. The first reason is to see what Giggy is wearing. The second reason is to see Andy Dick being a mess. I will be severely disappointed in Andy if he doesn’t piss on the floor and flash a dude in the front row during his first dance. I also hope he shows up as Kathy Griffin’s twin Daphne Aguilera at least once.
Years from now, Gia Lopez’s therapist will pull out this picture to remind her of the moment that put the first scar on her childhood and she’ll slap herself in the face for not yanking a ho when she had the chance.
To sell his line of man chonies that look like lady chonies, Mario Lopez (aka forever AC Slater to me) made his new wife tweet a picture of him putting a star on top of their skinny ass Christmas tree. NO FATTIES in AC Slater’s house! That goes for the Christmas trees too.
It’s one thing to make your toddler daughter hold the stepladder for you, but it’s another to make her do it while you’re wearing panties that make your ass look extra hungry. It looks like it’s going to chomp on anything in its way.
On December 26th, John Travolta will gladly do Gia Lopez a favor and hold that ladder while AC Slater takes the star down. Yes, John will wear a mistletoe hat and yes his tongue will go down AC Slater’s chimney at one point or another. I think you might like it, AC Slater!
I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.
But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.
But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.
That picture might look familiar to you, because it’s exactly what you see every Christmas when your nana drinks too much spiked cider, goes wild, jumps on the coffee table and lifts up her lace slip to freak dance to “Holly Jolly Christmas.”
For her very last Twilight premiere, Kristen Stewart gave the Twihards the gift of her butt cakes by wearing granny panties and a see-through dress. Kristen Stewart is supposedly a miserable spotlight hater who would rather take a shower than get her picture taken, so wearing a dress that makes everyone look at her nalgas and crotch area was a good move! Nothing says “DON’T LOOK AT ME, I HATE ATTENTION” like wearing a see-through dress, right? But sarcasm aside, this is the hottest KStew has looked in a long time. She looks like an Appalachian Rita Hayworth. I bet that when the designer asked for his dress back at the end of the night, KStew burped up a nacho crumb and said, “Ah smoked it!”
Oh yeah, Robert Pattinson was also there in a green Christmas suit, but who cares about him. The bigger story here is that the last ever Twatlight premiere happened in Los Angeles and the Twihards didn’t go crazy. Did the LAPD shoot them all with tranquilizer darts beforehand? Some of these crazy bitches camped out for almost a week to see RPattz’s face close up and so they should be losing their minds. Los Angeles should be under an ocean of panty pudding, tears and blood from the Twihards slitting their wrists since they have no reason to go on anymore! Oh, Twihards, I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you.
The #1 enemy of the buttfuck people, Xtina, teased us buttfuck people by showing us the butt that we will never be able to fuck…. unless we’ve got about 12 hours of free time, a tow truck and two plastic tubs of petroleum jelly since that’s what it’ll take to get her out of those tight ass jeans. Xtina doesn’t wear panties, so I don’t even want to think about the chaffing that’s occurring with every step.
After whoring out The Voice with Adam Levine and Blake Shelton on Extra at The Grove last night, Xtina’s full-time escort (insert his name here, don’t make me Google it) escorted her to dinner. Xtina once again wore an outfit that a WWF wrestler wore first and better in the 80s, but I do love what she’s done to her weave. I’m only saying that, because the side of her hair looks like a pan dulce. You are doing it right when your hair looks like something found in the bakery section of Supermercado Gigante.
Delicioso! And you know when she got drunk at the end the night, she tried to eat the side of her head and looked like a puppy chasing its own tail.
If it’s morning time for you and the liquid caffeine you inject directly into your forehead vein hasn’t hit your brain yet, the picture Sofia Vergara posted on Whosay last night might look all sorts of things like two uncooked corn dogs waiting to go into the fryer or an eclipse as seen through a slit in a Las Vegas showgirl’s costume. But it’s a picture of Sofia Vergara’s ass crack refusing to be ignored.
Twenty minutes before Modern Family won their 1,579,773th trophy at last night’s Modern Family Appreciation Ceremony, Sofia Vergara’s butt cakes busted her zipper right open. You might think that Sofia’s nalgas are a couple of fame whores and just wanted to get their pictures taken, because her chichis were getting all the attention, but I think it was doing what we all did. It blew out a gust of hot air, because Modern Family kept winning EVERYTHING.
They were winning so much that I’m sure when they got backstage, Publishers Clearing House gave them a check for $1 million, the California Lottery people congratulated them for having the winning ticket even though they didn’t buy any tickets and then ASkars gave each of them a vial of his own Swedish baby batter before saying, “Please have my child.”
Modern Family won Outstanding Comedy Series for the third year in a row, Julie Bowen won Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Comedy Series for the second year in a row and Eric Stonestreet won Outstanding Support Actor in a Comedy Series. But the winningest ho in that cast is Jesse Tyler Ferguson who gets to go home and comb and condition his piece’s luscious grizzly brows every night.
Hans Solo’s long lost daughter and gold medal-winning soccer player Hope Solo has an autobiography out called Solo: A Memoir of Hope and in it she writes about how during rehearsals for Dancing with the Has-Beens, her partner Maksim Douchekovskiy regularly busted some Fifty Shades of Grey shit on her ass by slapping her around. Anybody who watches Dancing For Relevancy knows that Maks is a grade A asshole and a come-to-life Axe Body Spray bottle who sometimes handles his partners like they’re made of Beanie Baby sand and Toaster Strudel frosting packets (I’m talking about Kirstie Alley).
UsWeekly has the piece in question from Hope’s book and she claims that Maks slappity slap slap slapped her hard in the face (and other parts) to get her to do the right moves:
“He manhandled me in rehearsals from the start, pushing me, whacking my stomach, bending my arms roughly. I thought that was just how it went — how dancers worked with each other. But it kept getting worse. One day, Maks was trying to put me in a certain position and hit my stomach so hard with his open palm that I had a red handprint there for the rest of the day.”
Hope says that she never told the producers about how Maks Riverdanced on her face with his hands, because she didn’t want to screw up his career and she felt the tabloids would flip it and call her a whiny diva bitch. That’s Hope’s side and Maks, of course, is farting out the opposite.
Maks is saying that Hope is SoLOW (it’s Friday, leave me alone for that one) for manufacturing fake scandalousness to sell her book. Maks doesn’t understand why Hope would just make shit up, because they’ve stayed friendly since the show ended and she even invited him to see Team USA play at the Olympics. Maks tweeted this message yesterday and it’s pretty obvious that he’s talking about Hope:
Always hated hypocrites and liars…but when someone is both AND an opportunist, I just feel bad for them. Can’t win at someone’s expense…
Who to believe?! Let’s roll that not-so-beautiful bean footage. Skip to around the 1:15 mark to watch Maks getting a little rough with Hope before having a twat bag hissy fit and storming out of the room. The gay Ken Doll angel Derek Hough flies in to soothe Hope.
This is why Abby Lee Miller from Dance Moms needs to be on Dancing with the Never-Wases and this is why Masks needs to be her partner. The minute Maks raises a hand to her, she’ll pour Arby’s horsey sauce on his wrist, bite it off and force him to continue dancing with her. “(“I’ll just hold the stump, bitch! Stop crying! Be professional!” – Abby Lee Miller) And she won’t even let Maks take a break to call bionic arm maker Sun Jifa with his other hand .