This may be the first time in maybe forever that Ryan Lochte’s dopey “Jeah, what’s happening?” face is the correct reaction to something. The 23rd season of Dancing with the Sure, Let’s Call Them Stars premiered last night. For the second time in as many months, Ryan Lochte found himself in another messy situation. Except this time, it really wasn’t his fault.
It’s Loin-Girding Time, Because Rick Perry Is Going To Thrust His Crotch On “Dancing With The Stars”
Unfortunately, your eyeballs will not get to take in the sight of Anthony Weiner doing the Samba to Ludacris’ “Sexting” while wearing sequined Jockey chonies, because it looks like the producers of Dancing with the Desperates were unable to work their casting magic and get him at the last minute. Instead, the politician slot has been filled by gay-hating, corn dog deep throating champion Rick Perry, who was the Governor of Texas for a long time and ran for president a couple of times. Chris Christie is weeping on Donald Trump’s Made in China shirt-covered chichis, because he’s the governor with moves like no other.
This morning, ABC burped up the names of famous (and famous-ish-esque) messes who will dance for a check and compete for that mirror ball trophy. As expected, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour is taking him to DWTS and joining him and Rick Perry will be Amber Rose, Marcia Brady and Vanilla Ice. As a lover of fuckery, I cannot wait for this train wreck to hit my TV screen.
Hot douche hall of famer Maksim Chmerkovskiy and fellow Dancing with the Stars professional dancer Peta Murgatroyd are getting married. They announced that back in December during a show in Miami. They’re also apparently expecting a baby. That was announced on Monday on the set of DWTS, but not by Maksim and Peta. That announcement was provided by DWTS co-host Erin Andrews, and it was broadcast to everyone on set live via her still-on microphone.
According to TMZ, not a whole lot of people knew that Peta was knocked up; some close friends and family members didn’t know. But apparently Erin had some insider information, so she decided to go backstage during rehearsal and congratulate Maksim on successfully stuffing Peta’s pocket. The only problem was that she was hooked up to a mic, and everyone heard. As for how awkward it made things between Erin and Maksim and Peta, the answer is: very. Sources say that Maksim and Peta are pissed, because they wanted to announce it themselves. Then Erin allegedly attempted to fix it by trying to play it off like it was a joke.
As for if Peta is even pregnant or not, multiple sources are whispering to People that she is. Those sources could just be a bunch of people whose baby monitors and car radios accidentally intercepted a signal from the DWTS mic feed. Then again, they could have insider information. Maybe they were members of the DWTS audience who caught Season 22 winner Nyle DiMarco helping his partner Peta clean morning sickness barf off the mirrorball trophy on their way out of the studio last night.
I guess if Erin needs a silver lining, it’s that the only thing more embarrassing than accidentally blowing a pregnant lady’s cover would be if the cast and crew of DWTS heard her congratulating a lady who wasn’t even pregnant. Although that would have definitely made for some way more entertaining listening.
Here’s maybe-future-daddy Maksim making one of my nightmares come true by staging a flash mob at The Grove today.
Pics: ABC, Wenn.com
The Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases cast was announced this morning, which means it’s that time when our heads barf up a stream of questions marks while reading the names of the bright shining A-listers who will bust out a lukewarm mambo for a check. ABC already announced that next season’s cast includes Ginger Zee (which sounds like the name of my second favorite malt liquor of the 90s) of Good Morning America, topless selfie adonis Geraldo Rivera, Donald Trump’s second trophy wife Marla Maples and Stephanie Tanner (born name: Jodie Lee Ann Sweetin) who is seen above with a new face courtesy of Photoshop. ABC announced the rest of the cast today and they also confirmed that Mischa Barton can finally pay her car note, because bitch is finally getting a check!
Compared to past seasons, the season 22 cast of DWTS is like the goddamn Oscars to me. I recognized most of the names. My brain activated the “Google that bitch, you dumbfuck” switch only 3 times and they were all sports people. That maaaaay be a record. Let’s see how you do:
Before fallen butter queen Paula Deen was kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, she made retinas shrivel up one last time when she recreated Madonna’s 1990 MTV VMAs performance of “Vogue.” Whoever came up with this idea obviously hates humanity in a major way, because nobody asked for this and nobody wanted it.
Vogueing was created by the black and latin gay men and transgender women of the Harlem ballroom scene and now here’s Paula Deen of all messes trying to do it while done up in Marie AnTWATnette drag. I say “trying,” because that’s not Vogueing at all. She looks more like a mummy on Ambien doing the Macarena. You’d think that Paula was performing it in the middle of an NAACP meeting, because she was the opposite of comfortable. This definitely made Madge roll in her coffin this morning. Yes, she was in a coffin. She’s a vampire! Where else is she supposed to sleep?
My thoughts go out to the two boy dancers who got a face full of Paula Deen’s butterball bosoms. Right after this performance, their faces jumped off of their heads and are now running all over Los Angeles while looking for a pool of bleach to soak in.
A weird thing happened on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never Wases last night. Gary Busey’s partner Anna Trebunskaya showed up and actually performed. I figured that the only moving she’d be doing is rocking back and forth in a padded room after every one of her nerves split from trying to teach Gary Busey how to do the Cha Cha Cha. But Anna must have the patience and nerves of Terrence Howard’s hostage wife, because her sanity has survived rehearsal with Gary Busey and they both laid down a thousand sweet moves during last night’s season premiere.
At the end of the night, The Teeth and Anna were grouped up with the bottom barrel bitches (Paula Deen, Kim Zolciak, Chaka Khan and Victor Espinosa), because they only got a total score of 15 from the judges. The judges are obviously too mainstream and are judging based on stupid shit like technique and skills instead of judging based on charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Gary became the winner of my heart when he took the floor and danced like a drunk grizzly bear meets Herman Munster on Ambien. (Steven Seagal must be giving Gary dance lessons on the side). Click to the 1:53 mark to get into the hot moves that Gary served up (and stay for the post-dance Buseyisms he gifted us with. All the good shit in the world couldn’t turn Jaden Smith into the profound philosopher that Gary Busey is):
And if you care, here’s the Butter Empress Paula Deen dancing the QuickStep. She’s as stiff as the clit boner she gets while watching The Birth of a Nation.
If you stayed to hear Paula say, “I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more,” you probably aren’t sitting in front of your screen anymore, because you’re dry heaving into a trash can. I’m surprised that Paula stopped there and didn’t say, “The back part of my panties are as brown as my cook and the front part are as yallaw as my manny-curr-est!”