The first time I was made aware of James Maslow’s exquisite Stepford Pool Boy face in all its Maybelline glory, I thought “This kid and his beautiful rosy cheek implants are going places”. I didn’t know what place that would be (a believable testimonial in a no!no! commercial, a WeHo Zumba class) but I knew it would be big! Or at least big adjacent. And apparently the producers of Dancing With The Stars (and Star-Type Substitutes) agreed, because James Maslow will be batting dem eyelashes and smizing the shit out of the cha-cha-cha as a contestant on ABC’s Sequins & Spanx Variety Hour.
The complete cast of DWTS was revealed today, and there’s very little to get excited about (beside’s imagining the FACE-BODY-FACE James Maslow will be bringing to the dance floor every week). Because this is ~very~ important information, here’s who will be stuffing themselves into 10 yards of stretch satin every week:
Candace Cameron Bure (D.J. Tanner and submissive housewife)
Charlie White (Olympic gold medalist ice dancer)
Drew Carey (Plinko jockey)
Diana Nyad (Wikipedia tells me she’s a 64-year-old lady who likes to swim)
Cody Simpson (an Australian Bieber-type)
Meryl Davis (Charlie White’s ice dance parter. Really ABC? Two figure skaters?)
Danica McKellar (math genius/Winnie Cooper)
NeNe Leakes (platinum-haired Atlanta glamazon/spirit animal)
Amy Purdy (Paralympic snowboarder)
James Maslow (Gigolo Joe’s more natural-looking younger brother)
Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian from Staw Wars)
Sean Avery (former NHL player)
I may be jumping the gun a bit, but I’m just going to go ahead and recommend that the DWTS interns not buy any green bananas for the 64-year-old swimming enthusiast’s dressing room. If our definition of ‘star’ now includes an oldie who was insane enough to swim from Cuba to Florida, then DWTS producers might also be interested in my friend’s drunk Aunt Pam who got arrested after jumping off a booze cruise and swimming to shore in nothing but a Juicy Couture velour hoodie.
And was Kimmy Gibbler is too busy preparing for a research trip to Mars or rescuing orphans in Romania? Because there’s no way DWTS would purposely overlook her for D.J. Tanner. Everyone knows that when it comes to Full House, why go out for lukewarm cheeseburgers (D.J. Tanner, Uncle Joey, the less-present of Aunt Becky’s twins) when you have steak at home (Kimmy Gibbler, Uncle Jesse).
Finally, memaws everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief and get back to that needlepoint turkey pillow they were working on before the Dancing With the Has-Beens scandal rocked nursing home dining rooms and the window seat with the puzzles (it’s their water cooler). You couldn’t so much as brush your scooter past the TV Guide without Mabel or Stanley piping up to remind you to say a prayer for “that lovely brunette girl from the ballroom show who was fired.”
In case you’re not familiar with the hot goss at Shady Maples Retirement Community: Brooke Burke-Charvet shocked the world on Friday afternoon when she announced that she was unceremoniously given a bankers box and told to pack her desk, all her pageant-ass gowns, and turn in her security badge along with her hosting mic. Neither ABC nor Dancing With the Stars had much to say about giving her the boot, but they said pretty much everything by leaking news of her replacement today. E! Online says that a source has confirmed that Fox Sports reporter Erin Andrews will replace Brooke as Tom Bergeron’s co-host for the 18th season of DWTS. Like Brooke, Erin has also previously competed on the show, which is good, because she’ll be able to tell the difference between the dances (every dance is literally the cha-cha to me).
I don’t know much about this Erin Andrews woman, so I decided to do some research (aka throw her name into the internet and see what kind of information would get burped up). As soon as I started typing Erin Andrews, it auto-corrected to Erin Andrews Annoying Voice, so…we’re already off to a great start. Annoying, you say? How annoying? Annoying enough that I might start hate-watching Dancing With the Stars? However did ABC know I’d need something on Monday nights to replace The Bachelor once it ends. Thanks ABC! Your muffin basket is in the mail.
If you have an oldie in your life who lives for Dancing With The Stars, I suggest you drop what you’re doing (your hangover nap will have to wait, goddamnit!) and get yourself over to their nursing home with a bag of Werthers and an Engelbert Humperdinck album, because they’re going to need some consoling after hearing the news that DWTS co-host Brooke Burke-Charvet has been fired. Call now and tell Memaw to put the kettle on so that a cup of hot water with a small lemon slice will be ready when you arrive.
In a statement released to E! Online, Brooke says that she can finally replace Nancy Grace’s nipple on the shelf where she stores surprises she never asked for, because her pink slip wasn’t really something she saw coming:
“I have enjoyed seven seasons co-hosting DWTS but understand the need for change considering the position of the show at this juncture. I’ve always been one to embrace change and looking forward to pursuing opportunities I previously wasn’t able to entertain because of contractual obligations to the show. I’ve seen my fair share of shocking eliminations in the ballroom but this one takes the cake.”
Brooke Burke-Charvet now joins Lisa Canning, Samantha Harris, and Drew Lachey in an old abandoned dance studio nicknamed “Tom Bergeron’s Cast-Off Hoes Clubhouse.” Currently, there’s no word on who will replace Brooke, but if your Memaw asks, just tell her you’re sure it will be someone like that nice girl with such a lovely figure she likes from TV.
Both ABC and DWTS haven’t said why Brooke was given the boot, so until they release a statement, I’m going to play it safe and assume she was stealing staplers and pens from the office supply cabinet. Brooke, how could you! I know it’s tempting, but stapler-theft is never worth losing your job over!
I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but sometime last night, God gave up torturing us by freezing our asses in snow or making the closest store to my house run out of Cool Ranch Ds (THANKS, ASSHOLE), and decided to channel his inner Oprah and mercifully start granting prayer requests like it was the goddamn Favorite Things episode of our lives. All of our prayers are coming true, people! First Tantrum Toddler gets arrested for a DUI, and now there’s a possibility that my BRUCIE might be joining the 18th Season of Dancing With The Stars! God’s in a good mood and he’s granting all our wishes, so if you’ve ever wanted bigger titties or for the earth to open up and swallow Kris Jenner back into the 7th Layer of Hell, now’s the time!
I’ll be getting out my nicest scented pink note paper and a fresh glitter gel pen to write God a very sincere Thank You note today, because Us Weekly is reporting that the second-most talented Kardashian (second only to Khole, who is able to crush cans with her She-Hulk snatch) Bruce Jenner is in talks to appear on your Nana’s favorite show to fall asleep to:
“He’s dying to do it,” an insider tells Us. “The show is close to locking him in.”
Jenner has stepped into the ballroom before — as an audience member. The star previously cheered on stepdaughter Kim Kardashian, as she took 11th place in Season 7 with professional dancer Mark Ballas. Kim’s younger brother, Rob Kardashian, followed in her footsteps when he joined Season 13 of the dancing competition in 2011. He and Cheryl Burke were eliminated in week 10.
“He would have fun with it,” Rob told Us.
Have fun with it? Rob, you fucking sock-hawking dummy, he’d DOMINATE that competition with his raw sex appeal and sensuality. Can you imagine Bruce gracefully waltzing across the floor to Endless Love as his beautiful freedom-tail shimmers against the sequins on his costume? Uh oh. I knew I shouldn’t have pictured Bruce grinding against Cheryl Burke so soon after scrolling through those hot pictures of Joe Exotic. I’m going to need a change of pants, a million towels, whatever they used to soak up the Iowa River flood (probably sawdust?) and a moment to catch my breath.
(Pic via Splash)
On the sequins-covered 35 car pile-up that is Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, contestants did a dance inspired by a memorable year in their life. Obviously we know that the MOST memorable time in Elizabeth Berkley’s life was the time she made cinema’s answer to the Bible, SHOWGIRLS, but she’s still in denial and hopefully a therapist will help her see the light soon. So she said that next to having her son, doing Saved By The Bell was the most memorable time in her life, so she paid tribute to that time by recreating the legendary caffeine pill meltdown.
YAASS! You know, Jessie Spano and the humanized Ukrainian Chick-O-Stick Val Chmerkovskiy really brought something new to “I’m So Excited” and made me realize what the original scene was missing. The “I’m So Excited” scene from Saved By The Bell would’ve won several honorary Emmys if Zack Morris did the entire scene without a shirt on…like Val did!
Since Elizabeth Berkley is paying tribute to important moments in her career. I fully expect her to recreate the flopping dolphin scene from Showgirls. I will never be able to look her in the face again if she doesn’t.
And here’s my second favorite dance of the night. Leah Remini said that this past year has been the most memorable year in her life, because she’s made a big change by deciding that she’s not going to be told what to do anymore. (Translation: Bitch quit Scientology.) Leah played a puppet who breaks free from her puppeteer.
What a mess. I love it. But I would’ve loved it more if Tony Dovolani wore an alien mask. And John Travolta doesn’t know whether to hiss at this or kiss it all over. On one hand, Leah is calling out Scientology. On the other hand, John Travolta can’t say no to an on-stage costume change and jazz hands. So conflicted!
The 750th season of Dancing with No Stars (And A-Listers Like Valerie Harper, Nomi Malone And Bill Nye) premiered last night and I’m already writing in to Congress, the Supreme Court and Betty White (since she is the supreme decision maker of America) to ask them to disqualify a few of those whores for unfair practices!
Amber Riley from Glee and Corbin Bleu from High School Musical got the highest scores of the night, which is surprising to absolutely no one since they’ve both danced professionally before. They tried to play it off by spitting out some shit like, “I haven’t taken a dance class in years! I’ve been focusing on my singing! I miss dancing! I’ve never danced with a partner before! I barely know what dancing is!,” but please. Those lying, cheating whores. Yes, Elizabeth Berkley tied with Corbin for the second highest score of the night and she’s one of the most skilled dancers in the world (see: practically ever scene in Showgirls), but anybody who’s been in Showgirls can do no wrong, so I’ll let her slide.
Anyway, even though Amber Riley was 3 points away from a perfect score and should probably be declared the winner so we can be spared from watching the rest of the season, Bill Nye was the star of the night. Because he’s Bill Nye the Science Guy, he just had to dance to a song with the word “science” in it. Bill and his partner Tyne Stecklein did the Cha-cha-cha to “Weird Science.” He looked like a half-paralyzed grandpa turtle on extra-strength ludes trying to crawl to a piece of wet lettuce. What I’m trying to say is that his dance was amazing and all the votes should go to Bill.
VOTE FOR BILL!
Bill Nye’s performance is the only performance you need, but click here if you really need to see the others.
The cast of Dancing with the Has-Beens is usually a mound of sad, desperate sludge at the bottom of a whatevercomesafterZ-list cesspool, but this season’s cast is more like a piece of fungus stuck to rock at the bottom of a whatevercomes-afterZ-list cesspool and that’s because bright shining A-list stars like Bill Nye, Elizabeth Berkley and Valerie Harper are in it.
On Good Morning America today, ABC announced the cast of national treasures (see: Bill, Nomi Malone and Rhoda) and has-beens (see: pretty much everybody else) who will dance for a check and relevancy on the new season of DWTS. TMZ leaked some of the cast list a couple of weeks ago, but they didn’t name Bill Nye. Bill Nye’s partner is Tyne Stecklein and I hope that the only song they dance to is the BILL! BILL! BILL! chant. I also hope that after every dance, he explains the scientific benefits that said dance brings to my body. Bill Nye is dancing in the name of science!
But as much as I want to see that Dollar Tree Mirror Ball trophy next to Bill’s Honorary Doctor of Science degree on a shelf in his office, Elizabeth Berkley’s got this. Elizabeth was in the greatest dance movie of all time, Showgirls, and she’s a former member of the highly-esteemed dance troupe Hot Sundae:
And Elizabeth better pay homage to Nomi Malone by doing the “dying dolphin flop” at least once.
Here’s the rest of the cast and it goes without saying, but ABC really fucked up by not including Twerking Minnie Mouse in this mess.
This morning, ABC announced the names of the bright shiny has-beens who will pop their pussies for their 16th minute on the new season of Dancing with the Stars. I only squinted my eyes (like Giggy above) and whispered out a “Harpo, who dis woman?” when I read the names Victor Ortiz and Jacoby Jones (the sports dudes, of course). I recognized 9 out of the 11 names. That’s not bad. But then again my brain is a pop culture trash heap covered with seagull shit and if the new cast of DWTS was full of sitcom stars from the 80s, I’d recognize every single name on there. So let’s see how your ass does. Here’s the entire cast with their partners and count the number of question marks your brain gives birth to while reading this list. GO!
Victor Ortiz (professional boxer ) and newcomer Lindsay Arnold
Kellie Pickler (calamari expert) and real-life twirling Ken Doll Derek Hough
Wynonna Judd (country beauty) and Tony Dovolani
Ingo Rademacher (Jax from General Hospital) and Kym Johnson
Zendaya Coleman (Disney girl) and Valentin Chmerkovskiy
Andy Dick (MESS with a capital MESS) and Sharna Burgess
Lisa Vanderpump (Giggy’s mom) with newcomer Gleb Savchenko
Aly Raisman (Olympic gymnast) with Mark Ballas
Dorothy Hamill (hair icon) with Tristan MacManus
D.L. Hughley (comedian) with Mop Head
Jacoby Jones (NFL player) with Karina Smirnoff
Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Anna Trebunskaya, Chelsie Hightower and Louis Van Amstel are all out this season and Maks is acting like he’s never coming back. I hope this means that Maks is going to quit ballroom dancing to focus on his true calling, gay porn.
There’s only two reasons to watch the new season of Dancing with the Whos. The first reason is to see what Giggy is wearing. The second reason is to see Andy Dick being a mess. I will be severely disappointed in Andy if he doesn’t piss on the floor and flash a dude in the front row during his first dance. I also hope he shows up as Kathy Griffin’s twin Daphne Aguilera at least once.
Years from now, Gia Lopez’s therapist will pull out this picture to remind her of the moment that put the first scar on her childhood and she’ll slap herself in the face for not yanking a ho when she had the chance.
To sell his line of man chonies that look like lady chonies, Mario Lopez (aka forever AC Slater to me) made his new wife tweet a picture of him putting a star on top of their skinny ass Christmas tree. NO FATTIES in AC Slater’s house! That goes for the Christmas trees too.
It’s one thing to make your toddler daughter hold the stepladder for you, but it’s another to make her do it while you’re wearing panties that make your ass look extra hungry. It looks like it’s going to chomp on anything in its way.
On December 26th, John Travolta will gladly do Gia Lopez a favor and hold that ladder while AC Slater takes the star down. Yes, John will wear a mistletoe hat and yes his tongue will go down AC Slater’s chimney at one point or another. I think you might like it, AC Slater!
I lied. I thought the Hollywood premiere of Twatlight: Breaking Hymen – Number Two was going to be the last one, but I was wrong. Our international nightmare continues and it has spread to the UK. Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner were all in London tonight to make the British Twihards scream until their cherries popped out of their mouths.
But you know, just like the American Twihards, the British ones have disappointed me. This is the last time they can bring the crazy hard and they’re not. They should be getting pregnant from the excitement before giving birth to a sticky toffee panty pudding baby right there on the red carpet. Instead, they’re just like “eh” in the face. They look like KStew while getting her box munched in a Mini Cooper. What does it say when even the hardcore crazies are tired of being crazy? Where was Nutty Madam when they needed her most? She could’ve inspired them to lose whatever is left of their minds right there on the ground. Whatever… At least Kristen Stewart came to party. KStew really wanted us to see her ass cakes at the Hollywood premiere and she kept that theme going at the London premiere. Butt party alert.
But bitch is going way too far with all the lace and sequins. Who in the hell does she think she is? Walter Mercado? Kristen Stewart needs to take off Walter Mercado’s favorite funeral jumpsuit and give it back to him, because it’s not working on her. Nor will it ever.