Since we’ve already brought you one traumatic tale of the trials and tribulations of a bright shining A-lister in the universe, I’ll bring you another one.
Mischa Barton was the second one knocked out of the 22nd season of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never-Wases and just like the viewers who watched her attempts at dancing, she screamed out a hallelujah after she was told to jazz walk off the plank. Mischa always looks miserable in the mug, but on DWTS, she really had DMV face (the face you make while waiting at the DMV) and a wet branch has better dancing skills than her. On DWTS, Mischa’s facial expressions were set to “Kristen Stewart taking a shower,” and on the inside she was “Kristen Stewart taking a looong shower.” It was agony for her and she hated every kick ball change.
Last week, Dancing with the Very Loose Definition of Stars found themselves attached to a little post-show drama over Amber Rose’s body. Amber claimed on an episode of Loveline with Amber Rose that after she and her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy performed a salsa to Jennifer Lopez’s “Booty“, she overheard judge Julianne Hough make a crack about feeling “a little uncomfortable.” Amber accused Julianne of body-shaming her XXL ass and thighs. Julianne swore in a statement that she was only shading Amber’s slo-mo moves. Well, one week later, the boot-scooting booty battle has fizzled out with an on-air apology.
Dancing with the Stars judge Julianne Hough wasn’t feeling what Amber Rose was giving earlier this week. Some people may have be swooning when Amber stepped onto the dance floor looking like a third-rate Angelina Jolie impersonator in a Sequin City costume knock-off inspired by Kim Kardashian’s in the “M.I.L.F.$” video. But according to Amber, Julianne wasn’t one of them. Amber thinks Julianne “body-shamed” her, and she recently let everyone know about it.
This may be the first time in maybe forever that Ryan Lochte’s dopey “Jeah, what’s happening?” face is the correct reaction to something. The 23rd season of Dancing with the Sure, Let’s Call Them Stars premiered last night. For the second time in as many months, Ryan Lochte found himself in another messy situation. Except this time, it really wasn’t his fault.
It’s Loin-Girding Time, Because Rick Perry Is Going To Thrust His Crotch On “Dancing With The Stars”
Unfortunately, your eyeballs will not get to take in the sight of Anthony Weiner doing the Samba to Ludacris’ “Sexting” while wearing sequined Jockey chonies, because it looks like the producers of Dancing with the Desperates were unable to work their casting magic and get him at the last minute. Instead, the politician slot has been filled by gay-hating, corn dog deep throating champion Rick Perry, who was the Governor of Texas for a long time and ran for president a couple of times. Chris Christie is weeping on Donald Trump’s Made in China shirt-covered chichis, because he’s the governor with moves like no other.
This morning, ABC burped up the names of famous (and famous-ish-esque) messes who will dance for a check and compete for that mirror ball trophy. As expected, Ryan Lochte’s Damage Control Tour is taking him to DWTS and joining him and Rick Perry will be Amber Rose, Marcia Brady and Vanilla Ice. As a lover of fuckery, I cannot wait for this train wreck to hit my TV screen.
Hot douche hall of famer Maksim Chmerkovskiy and fellow Dancing with the Stars professional dancer Peta Murgatroyd are getting married. They announced that back in December during a show in Miami. They’re also apparently expecting a baby. That was announced on Monday on the set of DWTS, but not by Maksim and Peta. That announcement was provided by DWTS co-host Erin Andrews, and it was broadcast to everyone on set live via her still-on microphone.
According to TMZ, not a whole lot of people knew that Peta was knocked up; some close friends and family members didn’t know. But apparently Erin had some insider information, so she decided to go backstage during rehearsal and congratulate Maksim on successfully stuffing Peta’s pocket. The only problem was that she was hooked up to a mic, and everyone heard. As for how awkward it made things between Erin and Maksim and Peta, the answer is: very. Sources say that Maksim and Peta are pissed, because they wanted to announce it themselves. Then Erin allegedly attempted to fix it by trying to play it off like it was a joke.
As for if Peta is even pregnant or not, multiple sources are whispering to People that she is. Those sources could just be a bunch of people whose baby monitors and car radios accidentally intercepted a signal from the DWTS mic feed. Then again, they could have insider information. Maybe they were members of the DWTS audience who caught Season 22 winner Nyle DiMarco helping his partner Peta clean morning sickness barf off the mirrorball trophy on their way out of the studio last night.
I guess if Erin needs a silver lining, it’s that the only thing more embarrassing than accidentally blowing a pregnant lady’s cover would be if the cast and crew of DWTS heard her congratulating a lady who wasn’t even pregnant. Although that would have definitely made for some way more entertaining listening.
Here’s maybe-future-daddy Maksim making one of my nightmares come true by staging a flash mob at The Grove today.
Pics: ABC, Wenn.com