Before fallen butter queen Paula Deen was kicked off of Dancing with the Has-Beens last night, she made retinas shrivel up one last time when she recreated Madonna’s 1990 MTV VMAs performance of “Vogue.” Whoever came up with this idea obviously hates humanity in a major way, because nobody asked for this and nobody wanted it.
Vogueing was created by the black and latin gay men and transgender women of the Harlem ballroom scene and now here’s Paula Deen of all messes trying to do it while done up in Marie AnTWATnette drag. I say “trying,” because that’s not Vogueing at all. She looks more like a mummy on Ambien doing the Macarena. You’d think that Paula was performing it in the middle of an NAACP meeting, because she was the opposite of comfortable. This definitely made Madge roll in her coffin this morning. Yes, she was in a coffin. She’s a vampire! Where else is she supposed to sleep?
My thoughts go out to the two boy dancers who got a face full of Paula Deen’s butterball bosoms. Right after this performance, their faces jumped off of their heads and are now running all over Los Angeles while looking for a pool of bleach to soak in.
A weird thing happened on Dancing with the Has-Beens and Never Wases last night. Gary Busey’s partner Anna Trebunskaya showed up and actually performed. I figured that the only moving she’d be doing is rocking back and forth in a padded room after every one of her nerves split from trying to teach Gary Busey how to do the Cha Cha Cha. But Anna must have the patience and nerves of Terrence Howard’s hostage wife, because her sanity has survived rehearsal with Gary Busey and they both laid down a thousand sweet moves during last night’s season premiere.
At the end of the night, The Teeth and Anna were grouped up with the bottom barrel bitches (Paula Deen, Kim Zolciak, Chaka Khan and Victor Espinosa), because they only got a total score of 15 from the judges. The judges are obviously too mainstream and are judging based on stupid shit like technique and skills instead of judging based on charisma, uniqueness, nerve and talent. Gary became the winner of my heart when he took the floor and danced like a drunk grizzly bear meets Herman Munster on Ambien. (Steven Seagal must be giving Gary dance lessons on the side). Click to the 1:53 mark to get into the hot moves that Gary served up (and stay for the post-dance Buseyisms he gifted us with. All the good shit in the world couldn’t turn Jaden Smith into the profound philosopher that Gary Busey is):
And if you care, here’s the Butter Empress Paula Deen dancing the QuickStep. She’s as stiff as the clit boner she gets while watching The Birth of a Nation.
If you stayed to hear Paula say, “I had white underwear when I started, but it probably ain’t white no more,” you probably aren’t sitting in front of your screen anymore, because you’re dry heaving into a trash can. I’m surprised that Paula stopped there and didn’t say, “The back part of my panties are as brown as my cook and the front part are as yallaw as my manny-curr-est!”
Dancing with the WHOs? announced the cast for its 21st season this morning and yes, this wreck is still on and yes, it’ll be on forever, because there will always be has-beens, fame whores and never-wases who will gladly take a check in exchange for busting out the Viennese Waltz while wearing tons of fucking sequins. The good and surprising news is that the producers didn’t cast a Duggar or Ben Affleck’s nanny or catfisher extraordinaire Rachel Dolezal (although that mess is going to be busy making the most out of being knocked up). The bad news is that Paula Deen is in the cast. Actually, I shouldn’t say that’s “bad news,” because I’m sure she’ll win back the hearts of America when she dances the Jive to Al Jolson’s “Mammy” while her partner is done up like a giant butter stick.
The entire cast is below and I think my brain squirted out a “scratching head emoji” only five times!
Andy Grammer (Wikipedia tells me he’s a singer) is paired with Allison Holker
Alexa Vega (the little girl from Spy Kids) is paired with Mark Ballas
Bindi Irwin (Australia’s sweetheart when Queen Gina isn’t available to do her sweetheart duties) is paired with Derek Hough
Chaka Khan is paired with Keo Motsepe
Paula Deen is paired with Louis Van Amstel
Hayes Grier (a Vine and YouTube “star“) is paired with Emma Slater
Nick Carter is with Sharna Burgess
Carlos Pena (the little girl from Spy Kids’ husband) is paired with Witney Carson
Gary Busey is paired with Anna Trebunskaya
Alek Skarlatos (the French train hero) is paired with Lindsay Arnold
Victor Espinoza (the jockey best known for riding American Pharoah who should’ve been cast instead) is paired with Karina Smirnoff
Tamar Braxton (living Muppet and Toni Braxton’s sister) is paired with Val Chermovskiy
Kim Zolciak (The WIG from Bravo) is paired with Tony Dovolani
I may have to start watching this shit again. But I’ll only watch it until Gary Busey, who announced that he’s in the cast while riding a horse and dressed like a cowboy, is kicked out, which will probably be the first week since America has never understood and appreciated real organic dance talent like this:
And Gary’s partner Anna Trebunskaya better pre-book her trip to rehab now, because she’s going to need to dry out from all the booze, Valium, Xanax, morphine and Tension Tamer tea she’ll have to take to deal with his ass.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
It’s that time again. It’s time to play “How Many Names From The ‘Dancing For A Check’ Cast List Make Your Brain Shit Up A Question Mark?”
The Dancing with the Has-Beens season 20 cast was announced this morning, and you know, for the first time in a long time they are living up to the name Dancing with the Stars. I mean, both Suzanne Somers and Patti LaBelle are in the cast and their bright shining top tier A-list status is enough to elevate the Z-listers up to a low E. The new season doesn’t start until March 16th, so that gives Suzanne and Patti plenty of time to fake an injury during rehearsals to get out of this mess.
Every time a new cast is announced, I only read the names and count how many times I have to get my fingers to take me to Google to see who these bitches are. I only did that three times while reading this cast list. Either they’re getting bigger “stars” (HA!) or I don’t know how to do simple multiplication anymore, because that memory was replaced by knowing who the fuck Charlotte McKinney is. Definitely the latter. Here’s the list of the gigantic superstars (see: Suzanne and Patti), has-beens and never-wases who will dance for a check (or relevancy) next month:
Noah Galloway (partnered with Sharna Burgess), an army vet who lost part of his arm and leg while fighting in Iraq.
Robert Herjavec (partnered with Kym Johnson), a shark from Shark Tank.
Patti LaBelle (partnered with Artem Chigvintsev), legend and arch rival of Aretha Franklin.
Nastia Liukin (partnered with Derek Hough), Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast known to me as Nasty Nastia.
Riker Lynch (partnered with Allison Holker), someone who was on Glee for a handful of episodes.
Charlotte McKinney (partnered with Keo Motsepe), someone who ate a cheeseburger without her top on in a Carl’s Jr. commercial. I did not have to Google her name and this should really concern me.
RedFoo (partnered with Emma Slater), Sideshow Bob’s annoying cousin and ear assaulter from LMFAO.
Michael Sam (partnered Peta Murgatroyd), first openly gay player drafted into the NFL.
Willow Shields (partnered Mark Ballas), Katniss’ little sister in The Hunger Games movies.
Suzanne Somers (partnered with Tony Dovolani), star of She’s The Sheriff and the face of the Three Way Poncho!
Rumer Willis (partnered with Valentin Chmerkovskiy), someone who is known for being pulled out of Demi Moore’s cooch.
I haven’t seen this mess in a while, but I may watch it this season, because I really want to see Len Goodman almost get decapitated by the flying heel that Patti LaBelle will kick off to do the Samba.
I agree, that title was misleading. It should have said “DANCE LEGEND CARLTON BANKS AND EXQUISITE FRAGGLE PRINCESS BETSEY JOHNSON as well as who cares it doesn’t matter Will Be On Dancing With The Stars”, but that felt a little long.
The cast of the 19th season (oh my god, 19 seasons, what are we doing with our lives) of ABC’s Dancing With The Stars was announced on GMA this morning by Tom Bergeron, and I hope the Emmy Awards committee was watching, because Tom gave the performance of a lifetime. Not once did he break character and ask “Who?” or “Wait, WHO???” when announcing the thirteen has-beens and never-wases picked by ABC. Seriously, give him all the Emmys next year; the man is a high-level thespian.
So who are the thirteen “stars” who have agreed to participate in this mess? No, really, who are they – I have no fucking idea. NO! That was a cheap shot; at least 4 or 5 of these people are legit celebrities (or at least celebrity-adjacent).
At the end of last night’s season premiere of Dancing with the Has-Beens and Whos, the Jimmy MacElroy-looking ass ice dancer who is used to working with a partner and has dance training was at the top of the leaderboard, of course, and the 76-year-old pepaw who’s got arthritis of the back and has had two hip-replacement surgeries was lying at the bottom of the bottom. Those DWTS judges continue to be pepaw-phobic trash!
We already know that either Charlie White or the come-to-life Megara Meryl Davis will win that low-rent disco ball trophy, because that mess is rigged. But the most entertaining performance of the night (and probably the entire season) came from Billy Dee Williams and his partner Emma Slater who paid homage to Star Wars with help from R2-D2, stormtroopers and Ewoks (aka Kardashians in their natural form). Billy Dee moved like me after pulling my back out from jogging around the block, and a frozen Han Solo would’ve bust out more dance moves than he did. But what Billy Dee lacked in dance skills, he made up for in YAASSS!
Billy Dee is 76, his body has been through some shit and him being on DWTS is keeping IcyHot in business. Billy Dee for the win. I just wish that at the end of that performance, Billy Dee pulled out a light saber and used it to disintegrate that raggedy possum nest on Carrie Ann Inaba’s head. The world is an unfair place, so Billy Dee will be kicked off in the next two weeks, but at least we’ll have that glorious performance. I wish I had a can of Colt 45 so I could toast to that.
And here’s my second favorite performance of the night, which came from NeNe Leakes. Bitch served up “amateur night at a Bullwinkle-themed strip club” glamour. I really hope that NeNe stays till the end and I hope Tony Dovolani remains her partner, because I really want to see him try to lift her. I can already hear his spine weeping over the sheer fear of it all.
But NeNe does owe me a new TV screen. Because I cracked mine after I threw an apple at her goofy, hungry horse smile.
The first time I was made aware of James Maslow’s exquisite Stepford Pool Boy face in all its Maybelline glory, I thought “This kid and his beautiful rosy cheek implants are going places”. I didn’t know what place that would be (a believable testimonial in a no!no! commercial, a WeHo Zumba class) but I knew it would be big! Or at least big adjacent. And apparently the producers of Dancing With The Stars (and Star-Type Substitutes) agreed, because James Maslow will be batting dem eyelashes and smizing the shit out of the cha-cha-cha as a contestant on ABC’s Sequins & Spanx Variety Hour.
The complete cast of DWTS was revealed today, and there’s very little to get excited about (beside’s imagining the FACE-BODY-FACE James Maslow will be bringing to the dance floor every week). Because this is ~very~ important information, here’s who will be stuffing themselves into 10 yards of stretch satin every week:
Candace Cameron Bure (D.J. Tanner and submissive housewife)
Charlie White (Olympic gold medalist ice dancer)
Drew Carey (Plinko jockey)
Diana Nyad (Wikipedia tells me she’s a 64-year-old lady who likes to swim)
Cody Simpson (an Australian Bieber-type)
Meryl Davis (Charlie White’s ice dance parter. Really ABC? Two figure skaters?)
Danica McKellar (math genius/Winnie Cooper)
NeNe Leakes (platinum-haired Atlanta glamazon/spirit animal)
Amy Purdy (Paralympic snowboarder)
James Maslow (Gigolo Joe’s more natural-looking younger brother)
Billy Dee Williams (Lando Calrissian from Staw Wars)
Sean Avery (former NHL player)
I may be jumping the gun a bit, but I’m just going to go ahead and recommend that the DWTS interns not buy any green bananas for the 64-year-old swimming enthusiast’s dressing room. If our definition of ‘star’ now includes an oldie who was insane enough to swim from Cuba to Florida, then DWTS producers might also be interested in my friend’s drunk Aunt Pam who got arrested after jumping off a booze cruise and swimming to shore in nothing but a Juicy Couture velour hoodie.
And was Kimmy Gibbler is too busy preparing for a research trip to Mars or rescuing orphans in Romania? Because there’s no way DWTS would purposely overlook her for D.J. Tanner. Everyone knows that when it comes to Full House, why go out for lukewarm cheeseburgers (D.J. Tanner, Uncle Joey, the less-present of Aunt Becky’s twins) when you have steak at home (Kimmy Gibbler, Uncle Jesse).
Finally, memaws everywhere can breathe a sigh of relief and get back to that needlepoint turkey pillow they were working on before the Dancing With the Has-Beens scandal rocked nursing home dining rooms and the window seat with the puzzles (it’s their water cooler). You couldn’t so much as brush your scooter past the TV Guide without Mabel or Stanley piping up to remind you to say a prayer for “that lovely brunette girl from the ballroom show who was fired.”
In case you’re not familiar with the hot goss at Shady Maples Retirement Community: Brooke Burke-Charvet shocked the world on Friday afternoon when she announced that she was unceremoniously given a bankers box and told to pack her desk, all her pageant-ass gowns, and turn in her security badge along with her hosting mic. Neither ABC nor Dancing With the Stars had much to say about giving her the boot, but they said pretty much everything by leaking news of her replacement today. E! Online says that a source has confirmed that Fox Sports reporter Erin Andrews will replace Brooke as Tom Bergeron’s co-host for the 18th season of DWTS. Like Brooke, Erin has also previously competed on the show, which is good, because she’ll be able to tell the difference between the dances (every dance is literally the cha-cha to me).
I don’t know much about this Erin Andrews woman, so I decided to do some research (aka throw her name into the internet and see what kind of information would get burped up). As soon as I started typing Erin Andrews, it auto-corrected to Erin Andrews Annoying Voice, so…we’re already off to a great start. Annoying, you say? How annoying? Annoying enough that I might start hate-watching Dancing With the Stars? However did ABC know I’d need something on Monday nights to replace The Bachelor once it ends. Thanks ABC! Your muffin basket is in the mail.
If you have an oldie in your life who lives for Dancing With The Stars, I suggest you drop what you’re doing (your hangover nap will have to wait, goddamnit!) and get yourself over to their nursing home with a bag of Werthers and an Engelbert Humperdinck album, because they’re going to need some consoling after hearing the news that DWTS co-host Brooke Burke-Charvet has been fired. Call now and tell Memaw to put the kettle on so that a cup of hot water with a small lemon slice will be ready when you arrive.
In a statement released to E! Online, Brooke says that she can finally replace Nancy Grace’s nipple on the shelf where she stores surprises she never asked for, because her pink slip wasn’t really something she saw coming:
“I have enjoyed seven seasons co-hosting DWTS but understand the need for change considering the position of the show at this juncture. I’ve always been one to embrace change and looking forward to pursuing opportunities I previously wasn’t able to entertain because of contractual obligations to the show. I’ve seen my fair share of shocking eliminations in the ballroom but this one takes the cake.”
Brooke Burke-Charvet now joins Lisa Canning, Samantha Harris, and Drew Lachey in an old abandoned dance studio nicknamed “Tom Bergeron’s Cast-Off Hoes Clubhouse.” Currently, there’s no word on who will replace Brooke, but if your Memaw asks, just tell her you’re sure it will be someone like that nice girl with such a lovely figure she likes from TV.
Both ABC and DWTS haven’t said why Brooke was given the boot, so until they release a statement, I’m going to play it safe and assume she was stealing staplers and pens from the office supply cabinet. Brooke, how could you! I know it’s tempting, but stapler-theft is never worth losing your job over!
I don’t know what’s gotten into him, but sometime last night, God gave up torturing us by freezing our asses in snow or making the closest store to my house run out of Cool Ranch Ds (THANKS, ASSHOLE), and decided to channel his inner Oprah and mercifully start granting prayer requests like it was the goddamn Favorite Things episode of our lives. All of our prayers are coming true, people! First Tantrum Toddler gets arrested for a DUI, and now there’s a possibility that my BRUCIE might be joining the 18th Season of Dancing With The Stars! God’s in a good mood and he’s granting all our wishes, so if you’ve ever wanted bigger titties or for the earth to open up and swallow Kris Jenner back into the 7th Layer of Hell, now’s the time!
I’ll be getting out my nicest scented pink note paper and a fresh glitter gel pen to write God a very sincere Thank You note today, because Us Weekly is reporting that the second-most talented Kardashian (second only to Khole, who is able to crush cans with her She-Hulk snatch) Bruce Jenner is in talks to appear on your Nana’s favorite show to fall asleep to:
“He’s dying to do it,” an insider tells Us. “The show is close to locking him in.”
Jenner has stepped into the ballroom before — as an audience member. The star previously cheered on stepdaughter Kim Kardashian, as she took 11th place in Season 7 with professional dancer Mark Ballas. Kim’s younger brother, Rob Kardashian, followed in her footsteps when he joined Season 13 of the dancing competition in 2011. He and Cheryl Burke were eliminated in week 10.
“He would have fun with it,” Rob told Us.
Have fun with it? Rob, you fucking sock-hawking dummy, he’d DOMINATE that competition with his raw sex appeal and sensuality. Can you imagine Bruce gracefully waltzing across the floor to Endless Love as his beautiful freedom-tail shimmers against the sequins on his costume? Uh oh. I knew I shouldn’t have pictured Bruce grinding against Cheryl Burke so soon after scrolling through those hot pictures of Joe Exotic. I’m going to need a change of pants, a million towels, whatever they used to soak up the Iowa River flood (probably sawdust?) and a moment to catch my breath.
(Pic via Splash)