I barely made it past season two of Orange is The New Black but at least it’s given me a good working knowledge of the ins and outs of a women’s correctional facility. New arrivals should keep their head down, find a crew and not act whiny, privileged and obnoxious. Sounds like Abby Lee Miller, formerly of Dance Moms and currently of Cell Block 666, did not add “binge watch OITNB” to her pre-prison activities list because she’s totally pulled a Piper. According to Radar, everybody in prison hates her as much as everyone on the outside does.
Then you’re in luck, because here’s a video of a next-level filthy Shia LaBeouf looking like something that crawled out of Leo DiCaprio’s beard after a 12-hour fuck session with Marjory the Trash Heap while interpretive dance cage fighting the offspring of Jackie Rogers Jr. and a dirty pair of gas station nylons for Sia’s new song “Elastic Heart”. Sia says “You’re welcome.”
After dazzling us with her itchy-looking dramatic dumpster dance in the video for “Chandelier“, Sia once again called up Dance Moms star Maddie Ziegler, asked her if she still had that stained beige bodysuit and if she’d be willing to work with a human-sized bedbug, and brought her in to star in the video for “Elastic Heart”. The concept of which is…I’m not sure. Something about Shia LaBeouf being trapped in a giant cage with Maddie Ziegler in a world where there’s no soap and everyone expresses themselves through kicking. Sidenote: I had to get a tetanus shot last Sunday because I accidentally cut off part of my finger with a pair of kitchen scissors, and I don’t exactly know what tetanus is, but I think it’s whatever this video is. This video is tetanus.
And I really hope they recreate this video on Late Night with Seth Meyers like they did with “Chandelier”, because I really want to watch Lena Dunham get into a bonkers flailing-arms dance fight with a half-naked Shia LaBeouf. I’m not sure what that says about me. Actually, that could be a lingering side-effect from the tetanus shot.
THIS IS BEYOND. Beyond!
AMERICAN CITZEN Reese Witherspoon was on foreign soil (Capri, Italy) at an event for a wedding last night and when the band played “I Will Survive,” she busted out some piping hot clapping and hair whipping moves and danced, danced, DANCED like nobody was watching. Except someone was watching and recorded her hot moves on their phone and sold that shit to TMZ.
Laura Jeanne Poon is just like all of us. When the sweet nectar starts flowing through her veins, she surrenders her body to the beat and lets the booze guide her. She was dancing like she was all alone in her kitchen, the kids just fell asleep and Skynyrd just came on the radio as her wine cooler buzz hit its peak. Laura Jeanne should’ve toned it down a little, though. She wasn’t on AMERICAN SOIL and so the Italian police could’ve easily arrested her for killing hos with her moves. I mean:
I think that’s called “the double bend and snap without the bend.” Get it, Laura Jeanne, give them that wristography.
The executives at Lifetime must be patting themselves on the horns this morning, because last night’s episode of Dance Moms won the not-so-coveted pedophile demographic and made Toddlers & Tiaras look like a video tutorial on how to be a good parent. Head monster in charge, Abby Lee Miller, continued to live vicariously through her skinny dance students by putting them in as little clothes as possible to give the illusion that they were naked showgirls. The moms were appalled, but not one of them busted a citizen’s arrest on their own asses for letting this happen. The judges nearly ran to Claire’s to buy pearls for them to clutch, but not one of them cried for Chris Hansen to deliver them from this evil. And Abby Lee Miller sat there, eating while bahahahahaha-ing on the inside at how she’s corrupted another young soul.
Who in the Jon Benet Dance Troupe Hell thinks it’s okay to put “naked,” “on stage” and “10-year-old” together in the same equation. Somebody needs to turn Abby Evil Miller around to look for a zipper on her back, because I’m pretty sure she’s PedoBear wearing a reworked Ursula costume.