Thanks to the fact that the temperature in L.A. was about as hot as a newly-released fart lingering in the Heat Miser’s chonies, everybody who went to the Emmys yesterday probably made squishy sounds when they walked because of the pools of sweat jelly that formed on their crotch areas. Well, those pools of sweat jelly were definitely washed away by a wave of crotch cream when Adrien Brody sashayed onto the carpet looking like sex double-wrapped in smarmy and dipped in Brut.
Adrien and his signature douche pucker were at the Emmys, because he was nominated for Houdini and also because kissing history-making actresses at award shows is his thing. As I said earlier, Olivia Culpo nearly fainted on the red carpet, and she claims the heat did her in. But I bet she really got the faints when Adrien Brody flipped his glorious mane as he walked on by. Adrian looked like the kind of high-priced gigolo who takes his old lady clients to the opera, fingers them in the box (that line has two meanings) and makes them smell his fingers afterward. Swooooooon.
Here’s a million pictures of some of the dudes (including Damian Lewis, Joe ManJello and David Oyelowo) at the Emmys, but who cares about any of them. The only thing your eyes need is Adrien Brody giving you “stache-free Yanni in a fun house mirror” hotness.
Here’s Helena Bonham Carter, she of the Can Do No Wrongs, at A Night of Reggae for Save The Children UK at The Roundhouse in London last night. Yeah, as soon as I saw the word “reggae” her look mad complete sense, because at first I thought she was at an event called A Night Of Coked Up Gothic Zombies Who Will Scare The Blood Out Of You.
Like I said in my first sentence, Helena Bonham Carter can do absolutely no wrong and if she wants to look like a greasy creature of the undead who’s got a serious case of the coke grinds and hasn’t been able to shit out the brains she’s eaten for days, let her! Who cares if she looks like a box of crayons that melted on a gothic porcelain doll? She’s HBC! She can do whatever she wants. Although, she really should pay for the private therapy of the children who saw her like this and are now scarred.
Following Sir Ian McKellan’s response to Damian’s interview with The Guardian in which he said he looked into his career’s crystal ball when he was in his 20’s and worried about only seeing himself playing Gandalf the Gay, Damian issued an apology (via the NYDN).
“I am hugely embarrassed that comments of mine have been linked in a negative way to Sir Ian McKellen,” Lewis said, in a statement obtained by the Daily News.
In his statement, Lewis said that he has “always been, and continue to be, an enormous fan and admirer” of McKellen.
“My comment in The Guardian was a sound bite I’ve been giving since 1999 — it was a generic analogy that was never intended to demean or describe anyone else’s career,” he said. “I have contacted Sir Ian McKellen and have given him my sincerest apologies.”
Come on, Damian. “Fruity wizard” sounds a little personal and also kind of like a glorious breakfast cereal waiting to happen, as long as they don’t fuck up and make the wizard staffs and hats look like dicks and used condoms. You get a 3 out of 10 on the backpedal scale and Sir Ian wins this round of Wizard vs. Lemme Look You Up On IMDB Real Quick.
Damian should take some time for personal reflection and to brush up on his acting skills to ensure the longevity of a career he would be lucky to have last as long and be as distinguished as Sir Ian’s. I hear Claire Danes is holding a seminar on how to make a career out of ugly crying in her trailer between Homeland scenes.
Way back in October, Damian Lewis (the ginger from Homeland) gave an interview with The Guardian wherein he got his palm tree on and threw some shade at Ian McKellen by saying he used to worry his career would go the way of Gandalf. In case you don’t remember, it went a little something like this:
“The idea that I would be one of these slightly over-the-top, fruity actors who would have an illustrious career on stage, but wouldn’t start getting any kind of film work until I was 50 and then start playing wizards.”
According to The Guardian, Ian McKellen finally got around to responding to Damian’s comments in a recent interview, and guess what? Magneto is too busy being a hot old piece and having fun hang-outs with Patrick Stewart to give two hobbits about what the ginger from Homeland thinks of his career:
McKellen was forthright in his response but, like Lewis, declined to name names. “I wouldn’t like to have been one of those actors who hit stardom quite early on and expected it to continue and was stuck doing scripts that I didn’t particularly like just to keep the income up,” he told the Radio Times.
“I’ve always wanted to get better as an actor. And I have got better. You’ve only got to see my early work to see that.”
McKellen, who described Lewis’s remarks as “fair comment”, said: “No one needs to feel sorry for me or Michael Gambon [who played Professor Dumbledore in the Harry Potter movies] or anyone else who has fallen victim to success.”
You need a bag of frozen peas for that burn?
I love how Sir Ian took 2 months to basically say “Take a seat, young one”. Isn’t it great when some new-to-it actor wins an award, then acts like they wrote the book on ACTING? We’ll see what Damian has to say in 15 years when he’s begging his agent to get him an audition for The Hobbit, Part 9 (“Hahahaha…No” – Ian McKellen, 2028). And while Ian’s reply was an advance-study in catty, but it would have been perfection if he’d put on the glasses and read a bitch instead.