Category: Dakota Johnson

A Lot Of People Went To See “Fifty Shades Darker” Despite It Being Terrible

February 12, 2017 / Posted by:

Part two of the BDSM for boring people Fifty Shades epic, Fifty Shades Darker, premiered this weekend. Inexplicably, it’s a hit and Deadline is reporting that it’s going to open at #2 at the box office, right behind The Lego Batman Movie. In fact, they’re saying it’s “the fourth-biggest opening ever for an R-rated film, behind the first offering, Deadpool and The Matrix Revolutions.” Box Office Mojo estimates that it will make close to $50 million this weekend alone.

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Open Post: Hosted By A Constipated Jamie Dornan And A Disco Laura Ingalls Wilder

February 9, 2017 / Posted by:

Fifty Shits Darker comes out this week, so Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson are on their latest “Pretend Like We Sort Of Kind Of Like Each Other” press tour.

Jamie and Dakota were in Madrid yesterday where he looked like he’s trying to hold in the internal screams that are aching to burst out of him. (But doesn’t he always look like that?) And Dakota and her stylist pulled a good move. They decided that the best way to temporarily distract everyone from the turd fumes wafting off of Fifty Shades is to wear the loudest dress possible.

This Gucci dress is something Evan Rachel Wood’s character would wear if HBO did a crossover episode between Westworld and Vinyl (RIP). If Loretta Lynn and a rival had a showdown at sunset and their weapons of choice were hot glue guns and sequins, this is what Loretta would look like after losing. That dress is all ruffles and all “spoiled 5-year-old girl from the 1970s.” What I’m trying to say is that Nicole Kidman is probably going to pick up her phone and delete her stylist’s number. How could Nicole’s stylist let Dakota get a hold of this dress first?!

And I hated that ruffle bukkake of a dress until I saw the back:

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This may be a secret message. Dakota Johnson hates Jamie Dornan so much, it’s like flames, flames, flaaaames on the back of her back.

And here’s more of Jamie looking fifty shades of ecstatic while posing with Dakota at the Madrid premiere yesterday, and also at the London premiere tonight.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

It’s Time For Vanity Fair’s Annual “Bored Actors Lying Around In Fancy Clothes” Issue

January 26, 2017 / Posted by:

On last year’s cover of Vanity Fair’s Hollywood Issue were the likes of Jane Fonda, Viola Davis and Cate Blanchett looking like you at the DMV when the number in your hand says “198” and they just called number “10.” Their faces told a story and that story was, “I am bored but I also want to fuck a bitch up.” And for this year’s cover, Vanity Fair did what they’ve done a million times before: they gave us bored pretty youngins’ in $10,000 gowns.

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Taylor Swift Snagged Herself Yet Another Famous Friend

October 14, 2016 / Posted by:

On Wednesday night, Taylor Swift debuted the newest life-size collectible figurines in her famous friends collection, which included Zoe Kravitz, Dakota Johnson, and Suki Waterhouse. She was clearly saving last night to show off her best, most famous new squad member. Taylor and her pretty girl posse went out again in NYC, but this time they were accompanied by special guest Serena Williams. See Demi? Sometimes Taylor doesn’t check the box that says “tall super skinny blonde model” when she applies for new friends.

I wasn’t aware that Serena Williams was in the market to join a new friendship group. The last time I checked, she was still a card-carrying member of Beyonce’s squad. Maybe this is all part of a larger scheme in which Taylor has recruited Serena take down that jealous hater meanie Eugenie Bouchard from the inside. “Hey Serena, you do tennis, right? Listen, I’ve got a job for you…

Taylor auditioned Serena as a friend back in July 2015 by “please welcome to the stage“-ing her at a concert in London during her 1989 Tour. Serena is also friends with Taylor’s second-in-command Karlie Kloss, as well as squad secretary-treasurer Gigi Hadid. Serena seems to have passed Taylor’s initial pre-squad evaluation. It will be interesting to see if she successfully completes Taylor’s squad initiation ritual. I’ve heard it involves a dozen pink cupcakes, a pinch of purebred cat fur, six lawyers, and a blood oath.

Here’s more of Taylor with her squad last night.

Pics: Splash

Taylor Swift Inducted Some New Members Into Her Squad Last Night

October 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift doesn’t currently have a boyfriend in her life, which means she’s got a whole lot more time for her girl squad until the next one comes around. Last night, the most popular slice of Wonder Bread in the bag went to a private Kings of Leon concert in NYC with longtime squad members Lorde, Martha Hunt, Lily Donaldson, and Cara Delevingne. And she also brought out her new recruits.

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Here’s The “Fifty Shades Darker” Trailer: Now With Even Less Sexiness And Charisma!

September 13, 2016 / Posted by:

In the first Fifty Shits of Boring movie, Dakota Johnson and pretty wooden post Jamie Dornan had the chemistry of two paper bowls full of overcooked Malt-O-Meal. I figured that the only way Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele could look less like they wanted to fuck each other is if the roles were recast with John Travolta and Kelly Preston. But it looks like the makers of the sequel Fifty Shits Darker somehow managed to make the second movie even less sexier than the first one. Congrats to them!

The trailer for Fifty Shits Darker was released today, and besides every single trick looking like their Ambien just kicked in, this mess looks like it’s part watered down remake of Eyes Wide Shut and part horror movie. There’s a helicopter crash! There’s Kim Basinger coming at Jamie Dornan while thinking to herself, “Fuck my career.” There’s an angry dude coming at Dakota. And there’s a spooky chick who keeps stalking Dakota. The producers should definitely try to re-market this as a horror movie. I mean, I have a feeling that Fifty Shits Darker is going to leave most of the audience screaming. They’ll be screaming at themselves for paying actual money for this crap, and they’ll be screaming at Kim Basinger and Hugh Dancy for needing a check that bad.

IMDB tells me that James Foley, who directed Fifty Shits Darker, also directed Who’s That Girl. The phrase “How the mighty have fallen!” has never been so fitting.

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