Category: Dakota Johnson

Taylor Swift Snagged Herself Yet Another Famous Friend

October 14, 2016 / Posted by:

On Wednesday night, Taylor Swift debuted the newest life-size collectible figurines in her famous friends collection, which included Zoe Kravitz, Dakota Johnson, and Suki Waterhouse. She was clearly saving last night to show off her best, most famous new squad member. Taylor and her pretty girl posse went out again in NYC, but this time they were accompanied by special guest Serena Williams. See Demi? Sometimes Taylor doesn’t check the box that says “tall super skinny blonde model” when she applies for new friends.

I wasn’t aware that Serena Williams was in the market to join a new friendship group. The last time I checked, she was still a card-carrying member of Beyonce’s squad. Maybe this is all part of a larger scheme in which Taylor has recruited Serena take down that jealous hater meanie Eugenie Bouchard from the inside. “Hey Serena, you do tennis, right? Listen, I’ve got a job for you…

Taylor auditioned Serena as a friend back in July 2015 by “please welcome to the stage“-ing her at a concert in London during her 1989 Tour. Serena is also friends with Taylor’s second-in-command Karlie Kloss, as well as squad secretary-treasurer Gigi Hadid. Serena seems to have passed Taylor’s initial pre-squad evaluation. It will be interesting to see if she successfully completes Taylor’s squad initiation ritual. I’ve heard it involves a dozen pink cupcakes, a pinch of purebred cat fur, six lawyers, and a blood oath.

Here’s more of Taylor with her squad last night.

Pics: Splash

Taylor Swift Inducted Some New Members Into Her Squad Last Night

October 13, 2016 / Posted by:

Taylor Swift doesn’t currently have a boyfriend in her life, which means she’s got a whole lot more time for her girl squad until the next one comes around. Last night, the most popular slice of Wonder Bread in the bag went to a private Kings of Leon concert in NYC with longtime squad members Lorde, Martha Hunt, Lily Donaldson, and Cara Delevingne. And she also brought out her new recruits.

Continue reading

Here’s The “Fifty Shades Darker” Trailer: Now With Even Less Sexiness And Charisma!

September 13, 2016 / Posted by:

In the first Fifty Shits of Boring movie, Dakota Johnson and pretty wooden post Jamie Dornan had the chemistry of two paper bowls full of overcooked Malt-O-Meal. I figured that the only way Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele could look less like they wanted to fuck each other is if the roles were recast with John Travolta and Kelly Preston. But it looks like the makers of the sequel Fifty Shits Darker somehow managed to make the second movie even less sexier than the first one. Congrats to them!

The trailer for Fifty Shits Darker was released today, and besides every single trick looking like their Ambien just kicked in, this mess looks like it’s part watered down remake of Eyes Wide Shut and part horror movie. There’s a helicopter crash! There’s Kim Basinger coming at Jamie Dornan while thinking to herself, “Fuck my career.” There’s an angry dude coming at Dakota. And there’s a spooky chick who keeps stalking Dakota. The producers should definitely try to re-market this as a horror movie. I mean, I have a feeling that Fifty Shits Darker is going to leave most of the audience screaming. They’ll be screaming at themselves for paying actual money for this crap, and they’ll be screaming at Kim Basinger and Hugh Dancy for needing a check that bad.

IMDB tells me that James Foley, who directed Fifty Shits Darker, also directed Who’s That Girl. The phrase “How the mighty have fallen!” has never been so fitting.

What Kind Of BDSM-Loving Billionaire Would Wear Swim Trunks Like This?

July 12, 2016 / Posted by:

The third and final movie in the Fifty Shades series called Fifty Shits Freed is still shooting, and yesterday wet piece of cardboard Dakota Johnson and chiseled wooden block Jamie Dornan got into their swim chonies to shoot a beach scene in Saint-Jean-Cap-Ferrat, France.

I’ve only read about 25 pages of the first book and I haven’t read the other two, because if I want to put my eyes on dumb raunch and trash, I’d read my own blog posts. So I have no idea if there’s a scene in Fifty Shits Freed where that Christian Grey dude and that Anastasia chick go on a beach vacation and decide to try to fit in with the tourists so she buys a shit-fitting, factory-defective bikini from the J. Crew outlet and he buys swim trunks from L.L. Bean. That would explain what they’re wearing.

Everyone always says that Hollywood is ran by Jewish men and gay men, but the latter is obviously not true. Because Alexander Skarsgard doesn’t wear a crotch flap in The Legend of Tarzan, and Jamie Dornan wears baggy dad trunks in this Fifty Shits wreck. Besides, Christian Grey is a billionaire and everyone knows that when billionaires go to the beach, they wear this (but one made out of actual $100 bills):

budgysmuggler2016

See, this is why the Fifty Shits books and movies can’t be taken seriously. They’re so not realistic!

Pics: Splash, Budgy Smuggler

Dakota Johnson Is Pretty Much Over Those “Fifty Shades” Sex Scenes

April 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Who knew that Dakota Johnson could give such FACE while straddling the upholstered arm of a chair? I don’t know what kind of magic that chair is working between her thighs, but that’s more horny-eyed emotion than she gave in all 125 minutes of Fifty Shades of Grey combined.

Dakota spoke to Chrissie Hynde for Interview magazine. Dakota is currently in Vancouver shooting both Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, because they’ve gotta bang those out fast before Jamie Dornan discovers a loophole in his contract and runs away like Forrest Gump. When Dakota tells Chrissie that she’s in Vancouver to film the Fifty Shades sequels, Chrissie asked: “The one where you have crazy sex scenes?” Yes Chrissie, those movies. Dakota admitted that she was filming a sex scene that day, and apparently pretending to have sex with someone is about as fun as waking up early on a Saturday and cleaning out your crawl space.

Continue reading

Open Post: Hosted By The Chemistry Of A Styrofoam Peanut And Tap Water

March 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Shooting on Fifty Shits Darker, the sequel to the award-winning butt pebble Fifty Shades of Shit (hey, Razzies are more important than Oscars), has started in Vancouver, BC in Canada and it’s nice to see that nothing has really changed from the first movie. That Anastasia Foil chick and Christian Beige still produce about as much heat as a wet match does. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan shot a scene where they kissed in the rain and as his lips were on hers, he probably thought to himself, “Hmmm… What should I have for lunch? This dead fish of a kiss has given me a craving for a lukewarm tuna and stale Wonder Bread sandwich…….” While Dakota thought to herself, “This ice block of a kiss reminds me that I really need to get my housekeeper to defrost my freezer.

Even the kiss between those parking meters in front of them is hotter and has more passion. So yeah, basically those parking meters should replace those two in the next Fifty Shits movie.

Pics: Splash

src="https://c.statcounter.com/922697/0/f674ac4a/1/"
alt="drupal analytics" >