Category: Dakota Johnson

Dakota Johnson Is Pretty Much Over Those “Fifty Shades” Sex Scenes

April 26, 2016 / Posted by:

Who knew that Dakota Johnson could give such FACE while straddling the upholstered arm of a chair? I don’t know what kind of magic that chair is working between her thighs, but that’s more horny-eyed emotion than she gave in all 125 minutes of Fifty Shades of Grey combined.

Dakota spoke to Chrissie Hynde for Interview magazine. Dakota is currently in Vancouver shooting both Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, because they’ve gotta bang those out fast before Jamie Dornan discovers a loophole in his contract and runs away like Forrest Gump. When Dakota tells Chrissie that she’s in Vancouver to film the Fifty Shades sequels, Chrissie asked: “The one where you have crazy sex scenes?” Yes Chrissie, those movies. Dakota admitted that she was filming a sex scene that day, and apparently pretending to have sex with someone is about as fun as waking up early on a Saturday and cleaning out your crawl space.

Open Post: Hosted By The Chemistry Of A Styrofoam Peanut And Tap Water

March 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Shooting on Fifty Shits Darker, the sequel to the award-winning butt pebble Fifty Shades of Shit (hey, Razzies are more important than Oscars), has started in Vancouver, BC in Canada and it’s nice to see that nothing has really changed from the first movie. That Anastasia Foil chick and Christian Beige still produce about as much heat as a wet match does. Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan shot a scene where they kissed in the rain and as his lips were on hers, he probably thought to himself, “Hmmm… What should I have for lunch? This dead fish of a kiss has given me a craving for a lukewarm tuna and stale Wonder Bread sandwich…….” While Dakota thought to herself, “This ice block of a kiss reminds me that I really need to get my housekeeper to defrost my freezer.

Even the kiss between those parking meters in front of them is hotter and has more passion. So yeah, basically those parking meters should replace those two in the next Fifty Shits movie.

Pics: Splash

I See Kanye West Is Designing Red Carpet Gowns Now

February 15, 2016 / Posted by:

Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.

I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.

Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.

Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.

Pics: Wenn.com

You Kan Always Kount On Kim Kardashian To Bring Plenty Of Klass And Sophistikation To An Event

November 8, 2015 / Posted by:

Looks like we can add another ensemble to Tim Gunn’sDon’t Wear This” list of vulgar fashion atrocities.

The fifth annual LACMA Art+Film gala was held last night, and Kim Kardashian was there, which makes total sense, because Kim got her start in film. No, it’s because she’s a high klass lady who goes to high klass film galas. Also because Kris Jenner would go absolutely apeshit if she found out her top money maker passed up an opportunity to get dressed up in her “LOOK AT ME” finest and serve up some half-asleep FACE for the cameras.

We all know that Kim Kardashian has a severe allergy to good taste, so it’s really no surprise that she would show up to the LACMA gala in a cheap-looking Leg Avenue body stocking with her tits out. I mean, she had to do something to get some attention; she went a whole 24 hours without all eyes on her, thanks to her mother selfishly stealing the spotlight with her million-dollar  Great Mediocre Gatsby birthday party yesterday. So really, it’s more of a shock that she didn’t double-down and try to make up for lost attention by showing up totally nude while her intern (Kylie Jenner) followed closely behind, spritzing her plastic parts with Crisco.

Here’s more of Kim looking like a Living Dead Doll of a knocked-up zombie stripper at the LACMA Art+Film gala last night, as well all the other famous types who were there, like Reese Witherspoon, Goopy Paltrow, and Jared Leto, who is still working the malnourished methhead Joker look, I see.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Dakota Johnson’s Parents Still Haven’t Seen Her In Fifty Shades Of Grey

September 19, 2015 / Posted by:

Honey, it’s not that daddy doesn’t approve. It’s just that he’s not mentally strong enough to watch you recite such terrible dialogue.

The human version of a beige turtleneck, Dakota Johnson, made an appearance on Ellen yesterday to talk about Black Mass, but of course the conversation turned to Fifty Shades of Grey. Fifty Shades Shittier isn’t scheduled to be released until 2017, and already we’re talking about it. THANKS, ELLEN. But they also talked about the first Fifty Shades movie, because why not. So even though the first Fifty Shades made almost $600 million, Dakota would like you to know that $0 came from the wallets belonging to her parents, Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson.

Ellen: “Has your dad seen the movie?

Dakota: “Nuh-uh.

Ellen: “Has your mom seen it?

Dakota: “No.

Ellen: “So nobody wants to see that movie.

Dakota: “Uh-uh, nobody in my family.

Dakota then stopped herself before she could blurt out: “I mean, even I don’t want to see myself in Fifty Shades of Grey. Really – I’d do anything to get out of this mess. I really hope my agent is listening right now.

Melanie’s kid also talked about how it’s not just her parents who are giving her the “No thank you” treatment. According to Dakota, newly single Dakota Johnson can’t get a date because of Fifty Shades. Fifty Shades of Grey: Blocking cocks since…whenever that shit was released.

Ellen: “Do you notice a difference in guys approaching you or not approaching you?

Dakota: “You mean, like, when they run away from me? I don’t know. I guess that, if those are the only two options, I guess that they’re scared of me…I guess they either love me or they’re running for the hills. I guess they’re running for the hills.

I actually think Dakota’s lack of dick probably has less to do with Fifty Shades and more to do with the fact that her mother is living silicone legend Melanie Griffith. It would be far too tempting to show up at Dakota’s house for your first date, see Melanie sunning her gorgeousness out by the pool, and run as fast as you can past the blandness that is Dakota and into the arms of the sexy angel behind her.

Here’s more of Dakota with her sunset-colored dad at dinner last night.

Pics: Splash

Work It, Girl! Pose Till Your Damn Face Falls Off!

September 5, 2015 / Posted by:

One half of Australia’s most notorious Yorkie-smuggling syndicate, Amber Heard, is currently at the Venice Film Festival to promote that movie where Eddie Redmayne looks like Miss Hathaway after a mall makeover (aka The Danish Girl). Technically Amber is only contractually obligated to stand and look alive during the photocall for The Danish Girl, but she served up two tons of FACE instead. Amber may be a get-money-bitch gold digger, but she’s also clearly all about giving you your money’s worth. She’s like “Here’s two on point eyebrows, on the house.

I watched the trailer for The Danish Girl, and to the best of my knowledge, Amber is only in that shit for a quick second. But by the look on her face above, Amber is THE STAR! Although to be fair, I’m pretty sure she made the same face while walking the red carpet for Magic Mike XXL, and we all know Joe Manganiello busting a load of H2O was the star of that movie.

Once Amber was done at the photocall for The Danish Girl, she returned her so serious thespian face to her wall of looks and grabbed her vodka-drowsy stripper-turned-mob girlfriend face for the premiere of Black Mass.

72nd Venice Film Festival - Celebrity Sightings

Meanwhile, Amber’s husband Johnny Depp chose to coordinate with Amber by retiring his human head lice look for the night. I’m sure the 10lbs of chunky silver hobo rings that live on Johnny’s hands appreciated the much-needed time off.

Here’s more of Amber serving up face for days at the photocall for The Danish Girl, as well as way more of Johnny and Amber looking like secondary cast members from a touring production of Tony n’ Tina’s Wedding at the Black Mass premiere. Bonus: Dakota Johnson in some kind of pink nightgown thing.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Behold, The Olsen Twins Surveying Their Kingdom

May 5, 2015 / Posted by:

I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:

So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.

I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.

The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.

Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.

And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).

Pics: Splash/INF, Wenn.com

This Is Going To End Well For All Of Us: E.L. James’ Husband Is Writing The Script For Fifty Shades Darker

April 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Somewhere in the basement at Universal Studios is a red room where E.L. James ties down the executives and as she flogs their nalgas, electrocutes their nipples and squeeze their nuts while wearing a spiked rubber glove, she whispers dirty, disgusting shit in their ears like, “You WILL hire my husband to write the next Fifty Shades movie. Say, ‘Yes, mistress.’” E.L. James has made Universal her slave bitch. E.L. James already got director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel to jump from that shit ship by demanding more creative control and now she’s getting it.

E.L. James supposedly wanted to write the script for the Fifty Shades sequel Fifty Shades Darker herself, but Universal hasn’t completely gone crazy, so they’re not letting her do that. But Universal has agreed to let her husband, author Niall Leonard, write the screenplay, which means she’s probably going to write that shit. Niall has written for several British TV shows and is the author of the Crusher series of books. The Hollywood Reporter says that Niall did some work on the screenplay for Fifty Shades of Grey but didn’t get any credit. Fifty Shades producer Michael De Luca spit up this generic statement to THR:

“Niall is an outstanding writer in his own right, with multiple established credits, and we are lucky to have him join Team Fifty.”

I still haven’t watched Fifty Squirts of Brown, because everybody I know who has seen it has told me that it’s not the campy shit nugget of a masterpiece I was hoping for. But it looks like Fifty Shades Darker is going to deliver what Fifty Shades of Grey failed to. We all know what’s going to happen next. E.L. James will be announced as director of this turd and then she’ll be announced as production designer, costume designer, soundtrack supervisor, sex choreographer, etc…. etc… Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson will eventually check out of that train wreck and E.L. James and Niall Leonard will be announced as their replacements! Please do this, Universal. Please let Fifty Shades Darker be the cinematic dingle it was meant to be.

And here’s some riveting pictures of Dakota with an inanimate object that has more personality than her on the set of How To Be Single in NYC the other day.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Dakota Johnson And Jamie Dornan Want A 7-Figure Raise For The Fifty Shades Sequel

March 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Fifty Shades of Shit has already made roughly $1.9 zillion dollars, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan are sniffing around for a raise. According to The Hollywood Reporter, Dakota and Jamie both received $250,000 plus box office bonuses for the first film, and now they’re trying to negotiate something in the 7-figure range for Fifty Shades Shittier and Fifty Shits Freed (aka the second and third films). A source claims they never received any backend compensation on the first film, adding that it was “a very basic franchise starter deal.”

THR says an insider tells them they’ll probably borrow from Jennifer Lawrence’s Hunger Games negotiations and ask for something in the millions. JLaw was paid $500,000 for Hunger Games and $10 million for Catching Fire, which means Dakota and Jamie could seriously get that money. They’re still six months away from salary negotiations, though, so maybe they shouldn’t buy a fleet of single-use disposable private jets just yet.

Normally when a famous actor type gets a case of the greedies and starts demanding more cash, I’m inclined to push out a chair using the power generated by my eye rolls so they can have a seat. But in this case, I urge Jamie and Dakota to go after as much money as possible. Sleeping on a giant pile of money is the only thing that won’t keep them up all night thinking about how they agreed to star in such a terrible movie franchise. Get it, you two! Get as much of that horny mommy cash as you can!

Here’s future millionaire Dakota Johnson and a friend looking like two extras from the set of Girls who got fired for trying to sniff Adam’s hair walking around New York yesterday:

Pics: Splash

In “Who Is Leonardo DiCatchAHo Boning Today?” News…..

February 25, 2015 / Posted by:

About five minutes ago, Leonardo DiCaprio was supposedly holding a birthday candle between his hairy ass cheeks for his piece-of-the-moment RiRi to blow out. Well, if you believe Life & Style (which you TOTALLY should), he has pressed pause on doing RiRi to hit on the human form of a Katie Holmes yawn.

A source (Hi, Dakota Johnson’s publicist) tells Life & Style that at the after-party for Saturday Night Live’s 40th anniversary at The Plaza Hotel, Leonardo pretty much ignored RiRi and went after Dakota Johnson. I guess he just really had a craving for room-temperature tap water served in a soggy Dixie cup. The source went on to say that the Ghost of Jack Nicholson’s past wrapped his arm around Dakota and as she breathed in the aroma of rotten milk wafting off of his beard, he took her celebrity watching. The source dribbled out this stream of fanfiction that was probably written by E.J. James during her off time.

“He put his arm around Dakota and led her into the grand ballroom. He told her, ‘Let’s go look at all the celebrities.’ Dakota looked like she was trying to play it cool, but you could tell she was thrilled to have his attention. Out of everyone he socialized with, Leo seemed to be the happiest when he was with Dakota. As they walked away, Leo took the lead and guided her through the crowd, and a small smile spread across her face.”

But what happened next?! I need to know what happens next in Fifty Shades of Dick Cheese! The best line is “Let’s go look at all the celebrities.” I bet Leo grabbed her hand and led her to the petting area where they played with Andy Samberg’s ears and gently stroked Zach Galifianakis’ beard. After that, they bought some popcorn, sat on a bench and fed celebrities. It was fun and games until Miley Cyrus got overly excited and twerked on Dakota’s face. Who the hell says, “Let’s go look at all the celebrities“? I don’t think Leonardo DiCaprio would use that as a pick-up line. All he has to say is, “Hello, I am Leonardo DiCaprio, let’s make sex.

If this is true, then it really is a sad day for the Victoria’s Secret Angels. First we learn that they’re flying away from Victoria’s cheap ass, because they’re not getting paid as many millions as they used to. And now we learn that the biggest Angels collector has probably moved on to pop stars and bland actresses. How the mighty Angels have fallen!

Here’s some thrilling pictures of Dakota getting coffee and walking through JFK yesterday.

Pics: Splash

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