This morning, the first full-length trailer for Fifty Shades of Grey (aka the Walmart version of Secretary) was supposed to premiere on the Today show, but it was deemed “too hot for morning TV” and all the horny mommies were told that if they wanted to see the hot hardcore action, they’d have to disable the Net Nanny and watch it online. There must be a bunch of busted thermometers at NBC, because nothing about this trailer is “too hot” for the Today show. Kathie Lee Gifford has had on-air hot flashes that were hotter than this lukewarm trailer.
Literally the “hottest” scene was when Dakota Johnson appeared wearing a wool cardigan and I thought “Damn, if it’s warm enough in that office for every other bitch to go sleeveless, Dakota Johnson must be hot as fuck.” Other than that, I have a hard time remembering the rest of what happened in the trailer, because it was boooorrrinnng and I fell asleep. I actually had to throw on some Lana Del Rey to wake my ass up. The trailer is 2 and a half minutes long, and most of that time is dedicated to Beyoncé moaning “Crazy in Love” like a narcoleptic zombie and Jamie Dornan looking like he just woke up from a botched lobotomy.
Meanwhile, a million middle-aged pussies just exploded fire like an active volcano from all the XXX hotness.
And here’s the star of the hottest, raunchiest, nastiest mainstream porno of all time looking like Fifty Shades of Prairie Hipster with her boyfriend in New York City yesterday.
“Duh” – that outfit.
I’m the last person who should be judging movies (the fact that my favorite film – YES I SAID FILM – is Bio Dome tells you something about how few cylinders are firing at any given time in my brain) but even I know that without full-frontal dong-shots, Fifty Shades of Grey is bound to be a boring mess. And according to an interview with Vanity Fair (via Us Weekly) it looks like my hopes of Dakota Johnson coming to the rescue by embracing this goofy trash and camping it up are crushed, because even her character, Anastasia Steele, is putting her to sleep, too:
“[I did] a lot of getting into the character’s head — Ana’s headspace — kind of before she meets Christian,” Johnson explained to the magazine. “So it’s a lot of reading, which I love. But she’s an English major, so that’s kind of boring.”
Why oh why couldn’t E. L. James have written Anastasia Steele as a melodramatic, glue-sniffing, washed-up model from the 90s?? Unless they’re re-writing part of the script to include a wisecracking robot with a penchant for butt jokes, nothing can save this movie. Regardless, at least Dakota someone will pay to watch it:
Johnson, like Fifty Shades fans, can’t wait for the premiere — and to see who will attend. “I wonder if it will be, like, 40-year-old moms, which I am cool with,” she said. “I love moms.”
That’s nice, but know who won’t love the thousands of 40-year-old Fifty Shades moms? The poor souls assigned to clean up the red carpet after the premiere. Mark my words: that carpet will be so flood-damaged, FEMA will be called in with every 10 gallon capacity wet/dry vacuum cleaner in the country and an industrial-sized vat of Febreze.
Sorry, I couldn’t even type that shit with a straight face. If the pictures that keep surfacing of Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson on the set of 50 Shades of Gray are any indication, the mommy porn brigade is going to be sorely disappointed when they leave the theatre drier than a nun’s snatch after watching these two wet noodles hump on each other.
Who can buy Jamie and Dakota as a couple with so much animal magnetism they can’t keep their hands off each other? Those two face-sucking amateurs from Virgin Diaries could have been cast and been more believable. Hell, I have more sexual chemistry with this Egg McMuffin I’m eating, but who wouldn’t? McMuffins have natural sex appeal. If that look on Jamie’s face is supposed to be indicative of how much smolder the die-hards have to look forward to, they’d better keep those fantasies of Matt Bomer or Ian Somerhalder alive and well in their spank banks. I’ve given better looks of longing to the dessert tray at restaurants and seen more believable eye sex between a hobo and a bottle of hooch.
50 Shades of Grey fans will need to dig out their supply of pantyliners left over from their Magic Mike viewing days to sop up the glaze from their sticky biscuits because The Daily Mail is reporting the film’s producers will be releasing two versions of the film , one of which will be NC-17.
‘What we’re kind of hearing from the fans is they want it dirty… they want it as close as possible [to the book],‘ said producer Dana Brunetti, who has been listening to the demands of the book’s female followers on Twitter.
‘We do not want this film to be seen as mommy porn – we want to keep it elevated but also give the fans what they want,‘ Brunetti told review site Collider.com.
Horny bitches from the Internet have spoken and they are ruthless! It’s not enough to drag your man to a movie where he’ll be hiding a hate boner the entire time and just wants to get laid at the end of the night. You have to elevate the embarrassment factor to put it right up there with running into his boss while leaving the adult movie store with a copy of How Stella Got Her Tube Packed.
I didn’t read the books, only a few excerpts, and I would be more interested in seeing an off-off-off Broadway production of the exploits of Reginald’s quivering member over a laundromat than 50 Shades of Shit. Since I’m their target demographic, I’ll just turn in my jeans with the 14″ zipper and my minivan to go sit in the corner with Charlie Hunnam while Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson bring to life such scintillating storytelling as “My tongue swirls around the end. He’s my very own Christian Grey-flavored popsicle. I suck harder and harder … Hmm … My inner goddess is doing the merengue with some salsa moves.” It’s probably pretty safe to say a Christian Grey-flavored popsicle tastes a lot like “I’ve never had a dick in my mouth“.
Here are some pics of Jamie and Dakota on set filming a scene that looks boring as hell for something that’s supposed to get an NC-17 rating. Apparently the horny mom crowd didn’t petition hard enough for this to turn into a scene where Christian teabags Ana at an outdoor cafe.
To prove that the big-screen Fifty Shades of Grey movie hasn’t completely fallen apart and will move to Lifetime where it will star Doug Savant and Crystal Bernard (I wish), Universal dressed Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson as their characters for a photo spread in Entertainment Weekly. These pictures look like low-budget, badly-produced stock photos for a story about a rapey-eyed, controlling creeper who buys all of his ties from the Donald Trump Collection at Macy’s and the mentally-stunted woman girl who is contractually obligated to love him. They nailed it! I know, these pictures look like stills for a community theater production of Fifty Shades of Glib: The Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Story.
EW also interviewed Jamie and Don Johnson’s daughter and they both showed off their talents for lying their asses off:
Jamie on getting the role after Charlie Hunnam checked out: “There was a slight fear. But beyond anything else, I was really fucking excited.”
Don Johnson’s daughter on how she’s getting her body sex scene ready: “Obviously, I want to look good naked. I totally understand now why people exercise, because it kind of fucking feels awesome.”
Jamie on how a movie based on a story about sex needs to have sex in it: “I grew up in a very liberal place. I’m not saying we had a playroom, but I’m not shocked by [the sex in the book]. It’s essential to tell the story. I can’t believe films that don’t invoke the sexual side of it. So it works for me.”
Fifty Shades was supposed to come out in the summer, but they moved it to Valentine’s Day 2015. They don’t want to compete with World Cup. Ha. So now we know that on February 13, 2015, the Guinness World Record for the most divorce papers filed by middle-aged men on the same day will be made. Middle-aged husbands will rather divorce their wives than be dragged to this shitty mess on Valentine’s Day.
The good news is that Charlie Hunnam realized that he’s not quite ready to drown his career in extra chunky mom jizz and fifty shades of shit. The bad news is that we’re not going to see the six pack on Charlie Hunnam’s ass cheeks clench as he whips Melanie Griffith’s daughter. Universal Pictures and Focus Features announced today that they’re going to have to find another Christian Grey, because Charlie Hunnam has dropped an I QUIT THIS BITCH on their asses, and they’re all blowing a bull’s fart in our eyes by blaming on it good old-fashioned “scheduling conflicts.”
“The filmmakers of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and Charlie Hunnam have agreed to find another male lead given Hunnam’s immersive TV schedule which is not allowing him time to adequately prepare for the role of Christian Grey.”
More like, “Charlie Hunnam finally got around to reading the book.”
The truth is, Charlie Hunnam wasn’t right for that shit anyway. Now the powers-that-be in that future Razzie record breaker can do what’s right and cast my only choice for Christian Grey: Richard Simmons!
After what felt like years of whores saying that everyone from Ian Somerhalder to Matt Boner to Kermit the Frog (I was rooting for Kermit, obviously) got the role of Christian Grey in that soon-to-be cinematic piece of shit Fifty Shades of Grey, Universal finally announced that horny moms will whip their crotches with Red Vines to Charlie Hunnam when that mess of a movie comes out next year. 33-year-old Charlie Hunnam of Sons of Anarchy, Queer as Folk and Pacific Rimmer will pull a tampon out of Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith’s 23-year-old daughter Dakota Johnson. Universal queefed out this statement to Deadline today:
Charlie Hunnam will star as Christian Grey, the lead male character in Universal Pictures and Focus Features’ highly anticipated film adaptation of “Fifty Shades of Grey,” it was announced today. He joins Dakota Johnson, who will star opposite him as Anastasia Steele. The film, which will be released by Focus Features on August 1, 2014 in North America, is being directed by Sam Taylor-Johnson and produced by Michael De Luca and Dana Brunetti alongside E L James, the author of the #1 bestselling book on which the film is based. The screenplay is by Kelly Marcel. The announcement about Mr. Hunnam’s casting in Fifty Shades of Grey was made today by Ms. James.
That statement should’ve read: After a long and exhaustive search, we finally found an actor who will gladly collect a pile of money to ruin his career.
I really can’t wait for this shit, because it’s going to be a beautiful disaster and they should just give them all the Razzies now. It’s going to make Exit to Eden look like a documentary on the BDSM lifestyle. The one good thing about Charlie Hunnam being cast as Christian Grey is that his bare ass will probably get a lot of screen time. So there’s that!