The Real Star Of The Trailer For “Murder On The Orient Express” Is Kenneth Branagh’s Magnificent Silver Stache And Pussy Patch
Poirot purists (Poirists?) are screaming blasphemy today, because the trailer for the new Murder on the Orient Express movie is out and Kenneth Branagh’s ridiculous Poirot look is all wrong. While I love Kenneth Branagh’s grey Wilford Brimley-on-roids mustache and the porn star grandma’s crotch patch on his chin, many don’t. Some Agatha Christie fans don’t want a Poirot not named David Suchet, let alone a Poirot who looks like a shapeshifting human who is about 5% into shapeshifting into a fluffy grey cat. I guess some can’t appreciate a stache that looks like two streams of hairy snot coming out of a nose.
Daisy Ridley, aka Rey from Star Wars: The Force Awakens, recently learned the hard way that it doesn’t take much for people to turn on you and give you with the same dirty looks usually reserved for pictures of Jar Jar Binks. She also learned that being famous means not getting too attached to your Instagram account, because there might be a chance that you’ll need to ditch it on the side of the internet’s metaphorical highway one day.
Despite the fact that there are tons of truly great video games that totally deserve a messy film adaptation (I’m looking at you, Shaq Fu), the lazies in Hollywood have decided to reboot the Tomb Raider franchise. And according to Daisy Ridley (aka Rey from Star Wars: The Force Awakens), it might star Daisy Ridley as Lara Croft. I guess OctoMom was busy?
Daisy hinted to The Hollywood Reporter at the Empire Awards in London on Sunday that she’s had “conversations” about playing Lara Croft. Daisy can’t confirm that she’s taking over Angelina Jolie’s old job, because no one has technically offered her the role. According to THR, there isn’t even a script yet. But Daisy says she she’s waiting for someone to call her up and offer it to her. It doesn’t matter that she’s currently filming Star Wars 8 right now; Daisy says she’s available.
Apparently she’s not the only one who really wants to see Daisy Ridley in a pair of khaki booty shorts and an ass-length braid. Daisy’s Star Wars co-star John Boyega tells THR that he texted Daisy after playing Tomb Raider and told her that she should be the next Lara Croft.
I hope Daisy has a good insurance policy, because the boners of a million fanboys just imploded at the possibility of nerd goddess Lara Croft being played by the hot chick from the Star Wars reboot. She hasn’t even been offered the role yet! That’s just reckless. The only way she could be more reckless is if she started a rumor that she’s replacing Ben Affleck in a gender-reversal reboot of Batman. Here’s more of the maybe future Lara Croft at the Empire Awards in London yesterday.
When I saw Alicia Vikander (now Academy Award Winner Alicia Vikander) stroll down the red carpet last night, it gave me a massive nostalgia high. A lot of people probably did, thanks to Alicia’s Beauty and the Beast realness. But gazing upon that pale yellow poofy Louis Vuitton dress instantly whooshed me back to memories of playing a game called Beautiful Lady in my childhood bedroom. The rules of Beautiful Lady were simple: look like a beautiful lady. Usually I would play it safe and throw on a Dress n’ Dazzle 3-in-1 Glamour Gown and my exquisite Burger King ThunderCats ring. But if I wanted to look extra beautiful, I’d pull the fitted sheet off my bed and make a stunning ballgown.
I liked to use the fitted sheet because it was far more glamorous and show-stopping than the flat sheet. It puffed out at the bottom, and as everyone knew in the 80s, puffy = instant sophistication. It was dead easy – I’d just wrap it around my waist and fasten it with a banana clip. Then I’d throw on my “wig” (a pair of black nylons) and wait for the flattery to roll in. Alicia clearly knows that Beautiful Lady is always the look, because she made sure to pair her bedsheet dress with flat-on-top/long-in-the-back hair too. Although I don’t think her jewelry came from Burger King. If I had to guess, it’s probably some cheap crap from Harry Winston or something.
Alicia wasn’t the only one who was giving me flashbacks to my homemade fashion years. Kate Winslet also took me for a walk down memory lane.
Dude in the back whose thinking, “Should I fap to this or not?“, is all of us.
Now that we’ve gotten the attention whores of the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere out of the way, here’s the people who were contractually obligated to be there since they’re in the damn thing. You know, I’d much rather see pictures of Oscar Isaac and John Boyega 69 in the middle of a Stormtrooper circle jerk. But when the universe gives you pictures of the Guatemalan hot piece dry topping the spawn of Jar Jar Binks and Goofy (aka Adam Driver aka Adam from Girls) while checking his tits for lumps, you take them and you don’t complain.
But the real star of last night’s red carpet was Carrie Fisher. Carrie Fisher left the real star of her family, Gary Fisher, at home, because he’s probably exhausted from her dragging him around for the press tour and she didn’t want him to die of boredom while watching that shit. During the live stream of the premiere, Carrie, her daughter Billie Lourd and Oscar Isaac took turns interviewing each other and it was messier than her outfit.
I wasn’t planning on seeing Star Whores, but if you tell me that there’s a long scene where General Leia destroys the enemy by making their brains combust while interviewing them, I’ll get in line now.
The look Oscar Isaac is giving while reaching for Daisy Ridley’s hand is the exact same look I give while reaching for the maple dip in a Tim Hortons donut box.
During a Twitter Q&A to promote a little independent film that will barely break even (sarcasm level: 8 billion) called Star Wars: The Force Awakens, future millionaires Daisy Ridley and Oscar Isaac were asked if they would consider singing a duet together. As if a Star Wars Q&A wasn’t dampening the Internet’s panties enough, they went ahead and did it. Daisy and Oscar sang the beginning of “Baby It’s Cold Outside“, which I’m assuming they chose because it’s a royalty-free Christmas classic and they didn’t have any extra cash in the Star Wars marketing budget to pay Silk for the rights to “Freak Me.” That’s got to be it.
— Star Wars (@starwars) December 5, 2015
I saw Inside Llewyn Davis, so I already knew that Oscar Isaac could sing. But what I didn’t know is that he could go full-Bublé. And I didn’t hate it! Wait a minute – maybe this is Disney’s way of subtly teasing a remake of the disaster that is the Star Wars Holiday Special. Normally this would be where I shout “Disney ruins EVERYTHING!!!“, but now that I think of it, a remake wouldn’t be such a bad thing.