The child support drama/dramamine between Kevin Federline and Britney Spears could soon be coming to an end if Daddy Spears has his way. KFed’s been hitting the court stroll trying to get more cash for the two sons he sired with Brit Brit, but while Brit Brit is having none of it, Daddy Spears has apparently been angling a side deal with KFed to make him go away. Please, Daddy Spears, make him go away!
It’s been 10 years since Daddy Spears used his Velveeta grits-stirring wooden ladle to weave some magic around and save his double deep fried pork rind fritter from further sliding into a messy puddle of tragicness during her mental breakdown. Britney Spears’ dad Jamie Spears became the boss of her life in 2008 after she shaved her head, tried to murder a pap’s SUV with an umbrella and did a barefoot walking tour through all the gas stations in Los Angeles County. Yes, it’s been 10 years. We’re really going to need a “Where Are They Now?”, because I lay awake at night sometimes and think, “For where art thou, Assistant Carla?”
UsWeekly is hearing that Daddy Spears is looking into taking a sledgehammer to his 36-year-old daughter’s shackles and set her free.
Jamie Lynn Spears’ 8-Year-Old Daughter Is Reportedly In Critical Condition After An ATV Accident (UPDATE)
Last night, TMZ delivered eighty-five layers of awfulness when they reported that Maddie Aldridge, the 8-year-old daughter of Brit Brit’s little sister Jamie Lynn Spears, is in a bad, bad way after she was involved in an ATV accident. Maddie was reportedly on a hunting trip yesterday when the ATV she was riding in flipped over into a pond. TMZ’s sources say that Maddie was underwater for several minutes and was unconscious. She was airlifted to a hospital in New Orleans, LA. Jamie Lynn wasn’t with her daughter at the time of the accident. The sources also say that Maddie is in critical, but stable, but condition.
Before Daddy Spears put almost every part of Brit Brit Spears’ life on a leash, shit was not looking good. Brit went completely off the rails, she was in danger of losing custody of the Cheetolings and it was looking like she was going to waste her entire fortune on swap meet wigs and gas station hot dogs. (Side question: Whatever happened to Assistant Carla? I desperately need an Oprah: Where Are They Now? episode devoted to Assistant Carla.) After Brit Brit was put in the hospital on a 5150 in 2007, Daddy Spears went to court to put her entire life under a conservatorship. The conservatorship was granted in January 2008 and it’s been in place ever since. That’s not going to change anytime soon either.
In “This Is Some Brand New Information That Has Deleted My Body’s Supply of SHOCK” news, The Daily Mail says that Daddy Spears is a master puppeteer who controls every single piece of Our Lady of Cheetos’ life including who she goes on romantic Cheesecake Factory dates with.
When Normal Guy Dave was pink-slipped for insubordination (read: reportedly passing his peen to another while dating Brit Brit) a couple of months ago, Daddy Spears immediately channeled the Millionaire Matchmaker and started huntin’ for a new contract boyfriend for his hillbilly moneymaker. Some source tells the literary journal of truthful truths, The Daily Mail, that Brit Brit is one of those can’t be without a man types and her papa je’e’ thinks she’s happiest when she’s got a boyfriend. So Daddy Spears went on the hunt and found 31-year-old producer Charlie Ebersol.
Daddy Spears finally got his shit together and managed to hire a member of Hollywood royalty (we are talking about Susan Saint James here) for the title of Brit Brit Spears’ newest chaperone/boyfriend/doggy bag holder. Just two months after Normal Guy Dave got pink-slipped and took his ass to the back of the unemployment line, Brit Brit has started hanging around Charlie Ebersol, seen above in costume (I fucking hope) at his 30th birthday party 2 years ago. Charlie is the son of big-time TV producer Dick Ebersol and Susan Saint James. I know, Daddy Spears moves fast.
E! News says that Our Lady of Cheetos and this Charlie Ebersol dude met through “friends” and have been dating for only a few weeks. Some source dribbled this out:
“He is the sweetest guy ever and they are very much enjoying getting to know one another. They are both very happy and having fun. It’s just the beginning so no idea if it will become serious but right now they are having a lot of fun together.”
Charlie’s dad conceived Saturday Night Live with Lorne Michaels and he was the head bitch of NBC Sports for a while. I’m assuming everybody learned about Susan Saint James in American history class, so I’m not going to tell you all the stuff she was in. Charlie followed in his father’s producing footsteps and recently produced a non-trashy reality show called The Moment which helped people get a second chance at making their career goals come true. The show was special to Charlie, because he survived a 2004 plane crash that killed his brother Teddy.
Charlie also used to bump nipples with Sophia Bush and Maria Sharapova.
I don’t even know what a member of Hollywood royalty (again I’m saying that because his mom is Susan Fucking Saint James) and a member of hillbilly royalty have to talk about? Probably Breaking Bad. That’s usually what straight people talk about, right? If they don’t, it doesn’t matter. Talk is cheap when you’re one of Brit Brit’s contract pieces. All Charlie has to know how to do is order a Frapp, hold a Cheesecake Factory doggy bag and busy himself while she watches Frozen on her phone in between courses at Buffalo Wild Wings. I hope Daddy Spears signed Charlie to a long-term contract so that he can take Brit Brit home to meet his mom and Susan Saint James can inject some much-needed culture into her by showing her How to Beat the High Co$t of Living.
And here’s Brit Brit looking like she just got a shot of Botox in the mug and nips while leaving VONS yesterday.