Well, I guess Michael Douglas could never forgive Catherine Zeta-Jones’ chocha for giving him throat cancer.
There’s been rumors that Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones’ marriage of 13 years is over, and now the voice of the publicist, People, says that they’ve pressed pause on their relationship. Michael and CZJ haven’t been photographed together in months and they’ve been taking separate vacations. Michael is currently sunning his nipples on a yacht in Sardinia while CZJ is at home in New York with their kids.
The source tells People that during the past few years, their marriage has gone through some serious shit and they just need to breathe a little. They’ve gone through his battle with throat cancer, her treatment for bipolar disorder, his son getting thrown in prison for selling meth and her performance at the Tonys. Their marriage is over it and just needs to sip a wine spritzer while lying on a lounger in the backyard away from everyone.
Michael and CZJ haven’t filed for legal separation yet and the source says there’s a chance they’ll get back together.
But for now, Michael Douglas is on a yacht somewhere drowning his sorrows in Matt Damon’s nalgas while dressed like Liberace (he can’t let go) and CZJ is sitting on faces all over Manhattan to prove that she doesn’t have the NutraSweet of cooches.
Dame Helen Mirren floated into the premiere of Red 2 at the Village Theater in L.A. last night and everyone asked themselves, “Why does it look like Dame Helen Mirren is gliding on a sky cloud of angel farts?” (Side note: I know, that’s a dumb question for them to ask themselves since clouds ARE angel farts.) Their question was answered when Helen Mirren pulled up her homely green sack of a dress and showed off her exquisite lucite heel. It’s a good thing that the angels are always hovered around Shauna Sand, because they caught her when she fell back. LUCITE SHOTS FIRED!
This isn’t the first time that Helen Mirren has let the Empress of Lucite know that her throne is in danger. Helen used to wear exquisite lucite heels all the time and she told Jay Leno a couple of years ago that they were her secret weapon of elegance.
“I used to buy [stripper shoes] on Hollywood Blvd. $39, they cost me. I always used to wear them to red carpet events when I was nominated for things, because they give you an immediate seven inches. You’re on the red carpet and there’s Nicole Kidman, who’s like up here, Christine Lahti’s up here and you’re this little midget running around in between them. So I had to have my secret weapon and now everyone’s got them.”
Yeah, whatever. Helen Mirren can pretend she’s a lucite heel vanguard, but can she wear them while walking on sand? That’s the true test of a lucite empress. (Cut to Helen Mirren walking across the Pacific Ocean in lucite heels) DAMN HER!
Filling his throat with cigarette smoke and downing gallons of booze is not what led to Michael Douglas getting cancer of the froat, so says Michael Douglas. During an interview with The Guardian, Michael Douglas was asked if he cursed booze and cigarettes after he was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. MD doesn’t blame fags and the sweet nectar, because he says drinking and smoking for decades isn’t what gave him throat cancer, munching snatch did. MD says that some coochie needs to come with a warning label, because cunnilingus nearly killed him (that’s some Deadliest Snatch shit). MD explained it like this:
“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”
MD was a major whore for many years, so who knows if CZJ is the one with a killer pussy. MD went on to joke that while making mouth love to vagina gave him throat cancer, it also cured his throat cancer.
“I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”
Now some tricks are totally going to use the “I don’t want to get cancer!” excuse to get out of going down. Well, you can tell them that if they get cancer from eating coochie, they can cure themselves by continuing to eat that coochie. Dr. Michael Douglas said so!
And while reading about the dangers of getting cancer from oral, I also learned that you can get cancer (via HPV) from sucking dick too. WHY?!!!!!!!!
Catherine Zeta-Jones’ rep said in a statement to everyone last night that she has gone off to a mental health treatment facility for a little bipolar disorder maintenance. CZJ has been open about her bipolar II disorder and in 2011 she went off to a rehab facility for 30 days, because she was about lose it. (“Thee, I thold you all women are moody!” – mood expert Drew Barrymore) CZJ’s rep Cece Yorke (that’s a hot name) released this statement of words to the media:
“Catherine has proactively checked into a health care facility. Previously Catherine has said that she is committed to periodic care in order to manage her health in an optimum manner.”
A friends of CZJ’s tells People that she didn’t have a breakdown or anything. CJZ’s 30-day rehab stay was already planned and she’s there so that doctors can monitor her medication. The friend went on to say, “This was just a good time to do it. She is in between projects. This has always been part of the plan. She would manage her health. She is vigilant about it.”
Let’s say CZJ checked in over the weekend, that means she’ll be out at the end of May. Behind the Candelabra airs on May 26th on HBO. I see what CZJ is really doing. CZJ is just trying to avoid the images of a Liberace wig slowly falling off of Michael Douglas’ head as he pounds Matt Damon from behind. I don’t blame her.
Here’s CZJ and Michael Douglas at the 40th Annual Chaplin Award Gala in NYC last week.
Before Catherine Zeta-Jones scared the children by working the Oscar stage like a wigged, horny banshee on the loose during “All That Jazz,” she put dozens of hos to shame when she sashayed down the red carpet like RuPaul, Michelle Visage and Santino Rice were sitting at a table in front of her. CZJ looked like Miss Philippines in the final round of Miss Transgender Universe 2013 and I’m pretty sure her dress was made out of the gold parts from a dozen Wonder Woman costumes.
After Michael Douglas and CZJ talked to Ryan Seacrest on the red carpet, that Frogger-looking motherfucker with Sears Portrait Studio hair snubbed her ass. Oh that was just Seacrest’s jealousy showing, because he’s just mad that CZJ can steal all of his men with just the wink of an eye. I don’t even care that CZJ’s face is completely brand new, she was still the epitome of drag eleganza last night.
And my other favorite looks of the night came from Charlize Theron and Jane Fonda. Unless your name is Shauna Sand, Angelyne or Harald Gloockler, I don’t like calling you perfect, but Charlize Theron looked pretty perfect last night. Charlize must have a birth make shaped like Donald Trump’s head on her inner thigh and one of her nipples must be way fatter than the other, because something has to be wrong with her ass. Also, I just want to get drunk with Jane Fonda and watch her pick up men in the piano bar of a business hotel.
If the first Cock of Ages trailer made you heave in your mouth, then the full Rock of Ages trailer will make fully vomit in your mouth. (Tip: Make sure a baby bird and/or Alicia Silverstone’s kid isn’t nearby when you do it.) This mess is like a remake of Burlesque for the Nascar set. I can’t with who ever told Mary J. Blige this was a good move for her. I can’t with all those discount Halloween store wigs. I can’t with them auto-tuning Tommy Girl’s singing voice so much that he sounds like Rosie the Robot queefing into a vocoder. The only thing I’m can-ing at is how TG is whipping his weave and sashaying in 6-inch heels like there’s only one ticket left to the Interior Illusions Lounge and he’s gonna get it.